


To Be Great

by Thirteen_Winter_Vixens



Series: The forging of greatness. [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Dark Past, Drama, Emotional Baggage, Eventual Romance, F/M, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Past secrets, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Acceptance, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-03-31 07:19:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 124,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3969213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thirteen_Winter_Vixens/pseuds/Thirteen_Winter_Vixens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise. Jim's finally at a place he's happy in and he can't believe it's actually real. He's got friends, real friends and a career he's proud of. He's come a long way from where he's been. But now that his bond is broken,The Crucible is out of control and his real, true friends are starting to ask questions he can't give answers to, he's finding the pressure heightening to a whole other level. Jim knows a person can't outrun their past, and his past is slowly creeping upon him, Mitch, Adalyn and Tevik himself, are always just beyond the horizon. Jim's just wondering when it's all going to explode, because if he knows one thing, he knows that when he's happy that's when the world falls apart. Final part of series. Sequel to The Academy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Calm before the Storm

Spock breathed deeply and opened his eyes. In exactly six point seven seconds Nyota opened her eyes and stretched. Looking over at him, she smiled, slowly sat up and said, “Good morning, Spock.” Spock used to the unnecessary greeting, replied in kind. He stood up from his meditative position as she made her way to the bathroom. He was just pulling on his over shirt when the door opened, Spock spoke as she resumed her morning routine, “We will be arriving at Calyster Nahnbi in two point two three hours. Have you decided on beaming down with us?” Nyota stuck her head out of the bathroom, toothbrush in hand, to reply back at him, “Yes, I have a better understanding of Calnaen slang than Lieutenant Travis does. How do you think the Calnaen people are going to react?" Spock would have frowned had he been more human, instead, he walked towards the open door to look at his mate in the mirror. Nyota, he noticed, as she started on her make-up, looked worried. His reply was almost emotionless with only a hint of underlying concern that he could not hide. “The Calnaen's are a peaceful people, the fact that they wish to join the Federation is evidence that they wish to involve their planet in peacekeeping efforts between galaxies. Terra will also benefit greatly from the trade treaties that we have ”

Nyota smiled but it didn't lighten her eyes as usual. Spock pushed down his concern, he silently stepped closer so that he was directly behind her, reaching for her hands as she went to put her hair in it's usual updo. She paused as his fingers gently glided over her wrists and slowly he lowered them so that their hands rested on the vanity. The familiar tingle sent shivers down his spine and he focused on repressing his primal urges in this situation. “You are worried that this might end up like Tavah Nine and that the hail to join the federation is a trap.” That mission had been one month ago, only the second mission since the ship had been repaired once again, and they had almost lost their lives, as it was, Jim and Lieutenant Marcus had blown up the holding cells they had been kept in, luckily, allowing their escape. But that had been after Spock had been tortured. Spock had put it behind him, the beings of Tavah Nine did not know much about Vulcan anatomy and the hour long session had not been too devastating an encounter. Indeed, the captain had been more affected than he had been.

Nyota turned around and showed her worry plainly on her face. “Just promise me you won't jump into anything. Even for Kirk.” Spock's brow shot up in well concealed confusion. She sighed, continuing, “I just worry because one of these days his ridiculous plans might not work and you'll be in the thick of it.” “As I am the first officer I-” She cut him off effectively by putting her index finger to his lips and said, “Just be careful.” Then she leaned in for a kiss. When they parted a second later he replied, “I shall do my best to remain unharmed, although I cannot guarantee for certain that such a outcome is absolute.” She smiled at him, a genuine smile and Spock's allowed himself to relax slightly. He left the bathroom but not before saying, “Nyota...” He hesitated, he knew the request was illogical but he found himself thinking of his elder self, known to others as Ambassador Saros an identity made after one of their ancestors. He decided even if it were an illogical request, only his intended would be aware of it, therefore the small weakness would not be known to everyone aboard. She turned to him, still clad in only her undergarments due to the high temperature in his quarters, her fingers in her hair, “Would you leave your hair down today?”

Nyota stilled and Spock made sure his expression and stance gave nothing away. With a grin she let her her hands fall once more, and her black hair reached down to her mid back. “Sure thing Spock.” He could tell by the familiar look in her expression that he had said something pleasing and now would be rewarded very intimately. He pushed down slight annoyance at his internal clock and after a rather breathless kiss, he regretfully pushed her away. He explained, “We are going to be late for our shift if we do not hurry.” Nyota nodded and went to the wardrobe to get changed. Spock made his way to the thermostat and lowered the heat to a more adequate level for her, he shivered slightly as the room cooled. Once Nyota was dressed, they made their way to the bridge four point five minutes later.

Jim was sitting in the captain's chair, turning it in slow circles. He nodded at them and Spock calculated from the skin tone and dark circles under his eyes that Jim had only slept two point three hours last night, from his previous calculations that meant their captain had only slept eleven point five-four hours in one complete week. This was not productive. Spock found himself pushing down frustration and worry regularly when it came to the captain. It came as second nature to do so then. “Yes, Spock?” Jim said cheerfully. His eyes were awake and alert. Spock felt a brush of fascination against his conscious as he stepped up beside the chair. “Captain, I want to volunteer my services for leading the crew today to Calyster Nahnbi. I can arrange the meetings for tomorrow when you can beam down to meet us.” Over the course of his speech Jim's eyes slowly narrowed and he asked calmly, if a bit, suspiciously, “Why, Spock, would I allow you to lead the crew when I am perfectly capable of doing so myself?” Spock tilted his head subconsciously, alert to the captain's lowered, if quiet, tone. He replied calmly, “Captain, you are not perfectly capable, I detect that you are forty-two percent at normal functioning levels. It would be preferable to have you fully rested, the Calnaen people will be insulted if you fall asleep during negotiations.”

Jim closed his eyes, opened them and glanced about the room. Spock ignored the looks and the quiet rush as they quickly pretended to start working once more. This was routine aboard the enterprise, he seemed to be the only one capable of confronting the captain, besides Doctor McCoy. What happened next was not routine and entirely unexpected. Jim's PADD pinged, notifying him to a incoming message, Spock raised a brow at Jim, usually the captain kept his alerts on silent. Now his PADD sounded off three more pings. Jim closed his eyes once more and Spock felt satisfaction at seeing the exhaustion on Jim's face. Spock had made the correct decision; with James Kirk involved, one never knew if they were making a terrible or great one. He was the most unpredictable man Spock had ever met. He did not wish to do the calculations of ever meeting someone of Jim's like.

Suddenly, Jim jumped up energetically and Spock took a small step backwards. “All right then, Sulu make sure you keep it up on warp five, Uhura, I want you to personally go through every report of these people, lets not get ourselves into trouble so soon in the day.” Jim pushed the comm unit on his chair and said, “Scotty? How's the engines working?” “All's fine down here, sir.” Scotty sounded cheerful Spock noted and the comm ended with, “Oi, get the bloody hell off there Keenser! How many times do I have to-!” Jim glanced at him, smiling and nodded. “I will see all of you tomorrow morning. Oh-eight hundred hours. Send me a progress report this evening though, and do send my apologies to them.” Another five pings sounded from Jim's comm and he scolded, looking no longer tired but impatient and angry.

“Spock,” James called over his shoulder as he walked to the turbolift, “I'll be in conference room three, if you need me.” Spoke opened his mouth to state, sleep would be more necessary, when James said, “No Spock, I'm not seventy, I don't need to take a nap. What I do need is-” Jim grabbed his comm, looking as if he were about to either throw it across the room or crush it in his palms, “to take care of some reports. I'll be in conference room three.”

The moment the doors shut, Sulu asked, “So, who wants to bet that was Admiral Brooks. That man _hates_ Kirk.” The next minute was spent debating and putting wagers on just which Admiral would give Jim so many reports that it made him look as if he were about to hit something. Spock felt his lips twitch at the regular banter. Putting an end to it by requesting more professional conversations, everyone nodded, still smiling and got back to work. He, himself, checked his PADD for any workload. He learned his miscalculation after the Nibiru incident and Jim and himself now made sure they did all reports together. Three nights a week they spent at least an hour going over every official document that had to be submitted or as Jim had said, 'anything that could be hacked on their files'. It was only after the first week that he began admiring Jim's attention to detail. The captain was well aware of almost everything that was happening on his ship.

A year ago, Spock would not have seen such devotion in his captain, it was only now that he knew, it had not been because it wasn't there, but because Spock himself did not allow himself to get close enough to to witness the true character of his friend. Curious, he did not have any reports, nor anything new from the admirals. Making a mental note to check on Jim later, he finished his work on the science labs and waited for Sulu to announce they were close.

* * *

 

Jim sighed, feeling tired and frustrated, his smugness dying quickly. The comm ended and he could finally relax for a few moments. He hated what Lexi had said. He hated the fact that he was beginning to suspect it was true. Looking at his PADD before him, it opened to several different reports. He was going to have to give somewhere. He sighed, looking at the clock, and got to work. It was only when the door opened and Spock walked into the room that Jim looked back up. Startled, he said, “What are you doing here?” Spock's brows came together in confusion and concern. Jim, amused, smiled as Spock said, “It is now twenty hundred hours. Have you been filing all this time?”

Jim blinked, surprised, it was eight o'clock, he'd been at this for eleven hours. He groaned, leaned back and stretched, sighing as he heard several pops down his spine, he hadn't know how tense he was. “Yeah, I had a lot to do.” He replied, shutting off his PADD as Spock came closer. Jim stood and tried not to see Spock's expression change as he stated, “I have not received any reports from the Admirals. May I enquire the subject of your work?” Jim tried not to find it particularly touching that Spock was worried about him. “It's a personal matter Spock.” Jim clapped him on the shoulder and together they left the room, Jim carrying his PADD with him. Without speaking they made their way to Jim's quarters. It had become a routine the past ten months that Jim and Spock spend at least three hours a week merely hanging out which sometimes included paperwork and sometimes didn't. Spock had not understood the term but Jim had used the 'I'm sick and need entertainment' excuse for the duration of his hospital stay and then the month of rehab after that. When Jim had finally been let go from the care centre, he spent those hours with Spock on board the Enterprise once again making sure the refit was going as planned.

Now as Jim moved his queen back a space, a drink in one hand, an empty plate of pasta on his desk, he finally relaxed that day. Spock looked his usual almost-stoically content self as he moved in for the kill. Jim smiled a little, enjoying the peace they had finally and slowly found themselves in. Once Spock checkmated him for the billionth time, Jim got up and grabbed the Odyssey from his bookshelf. “Thanks for letting me borrow this, I would have been bored off my ass the last shuttle tune-up. I know they're rare.” Spock raised a brow at his language and Jim smiled back at him. “I am grateful that you found the book interesting, literature from your world can be...” Jim grinned and replied, “Illogical at times?” He sat back down as Spock fingered the book and Spock said slowly, “Confusing but not unpleasant at times.” Jim nodded, saying, “I do appreciate the classics, I never really read them when I was young, only in my twenties did I really explore history. But I have to say, if someone gave me a book on, say...Hemingway or Dickens vs the writings of the X'athan Five of the last century, now I would totally pick the X'athan.”

Spock didn't look surprised and he replied, “The X'anthan survivors, as I understand, were extremely meticulous and masterful of their arts, I do not doubt that for those who can admire the provocative nature of the testimonies published would choose as you do. Tell me, what is that you find interesting about their documents?” This is how it always started. They talked for more than three hours until Spock put down his empty tea cup and said, “Nyota is expecting me. If you excuse me.” Jim nodded, smiling and replied, “You know I'm kinda getting bored of this."

Spock immediately stilled. "Not the hanging out," Jim continued quickly as Spock turned to him. "The chess games. I think we've played enough times to know each other's strategies." Spock raised a brow and replied, "That would require you having a logical strategy." Jim chuckled and nodded. Spock again spoke up, not so tense. "What do you suggest?" Jim didn't really know, he just knew it had to be amazingly crafty. "I'm not sure, but I'll think of something both of us should like.  I'll see you in the morning.” Spock raised his head in agreement and left quietly.

Jim knew his body needed sleep, he knew he was being irresponsible. He let out a breath out slowly and moved to his PADD. He felt guilty for a few moments but Spock picked up, even though it was in the middle of the night on New Vulcan. The older Vulcan looked alert and unsurprised. At seeing that Jim was okay, he relaxed slight. “Jim, it's good to see you again. How are you feeling?” Jim rolled his eyes. That was what Spock asked every time he saw him. “Headache, nothing too bad.” Jim almost smiled at Spock's worry. “We should meet soon, when are you next planet-side?” Just the question to make Jim get angry. Their beautiful, amazingly awesome five year mission was delayed. A fact of which passed more than favourably back home. Everyone was tense, looking at the Klingons, the Romulans, the fact that New Vulcan was still trying to settle in, now they were trying to control inner power shifts and council control, a fact that was not public. What was public, was the fact that Admiral Marcus was involved in over one hundred thousand lives being taken not even a year ago. Everyone was tensely and quietly investigating each other. San Francisco was still rebuilding.

Jim answered a little tightly, “I'll be back on Earth in three weeks. We have a week were we're parading around for a bit.”

Spock raised his brow and Jim could see the amusement plainly on his face. “Are you not enjoying the lighter work load?” He snorted and quickly replied, “I'm not enjoying being captain of the fleet's Flagship, reduced to being a transport ship and running stupid errands.” Spock nodded and then replied with, “I do think this is beneficial to all the crew staff that you are relieved every few months. You've had a challenging two years and it is understandable that Star Fleet wishes it's Flagship to be near headquarters. It is a logical move.” Jim sighed, unable to disagree. He changed subjects, “How are Sarek and yourself?” Spock's brows lowered and he replied, “Sarek has agreed to travel between New Vulcan and the various cooperating planets in which we are in the process of signing treaties.” Jim nodded and it clicked rather quickly. “He doesn't want to stay on New Vulcan.” Jim didn't voice it as a question, and Spock replied calmly, “I believe he finds the house to be too quiet.”

Jim looked around his own neat quarters, the only things that were his was his personal PADD, a shelf of nicknacks that the crew had given him as get well gifts and his clothes. “I understand. And you?” Spock brightened a bit as he said, “I am doing well. My project on the Hetrix theory involving the gravitational shift of New Vulcan's sister planet T'Neith is producing calculations none of us had expected.” Jim grinned and said eagerly, “You have to tell me now.”

Jim only ended up saying goodbye when Spock forced him to after he stifled a yawn. It was now midnight and he had to get up at six in the morning. Spock looked worried and angry with himself as he replied, “I have kept you up long enough. I will leave you to rest.” Jim was about to argue, their conversation on the construction of New Vulcan's (what sounded like amazing) new temple holding the last of the artifacts of Old Vulcan being cut short. Spock spoke before he could however, “Jim,” Spock spoke sternly, “You cannot lead your crew if you do not first take care of your own well being. Sleep.” Jim smiled slightly at the order.

“Is that a command, Commander?”

That made Spock's eyes lighten and he let himself smile. Jim was always astonished at the outward facial cues, usually he picked up his first officer's emotion through his eyes or body stance but sometimes Spock went utterly blank and Jim couldn't decode anything. “Yes.” Jim laughed and nodded, saying, “I see you in three weeks outside B.P. Cafe. And Spock,” Spock looked curious at Jim's hesitant tone, “I'll need another treatment.” Once more he watched the older Vulcan frown and he said, “How is it?” Jim replied as he usually did, “Seven.”

Spock raised a doubtful brow and Jim nodded once more and said, “Goodnight Spock.”

“Goodnight Jim.”

Jim got changed into some cotton pants and a t shirt. He laid in bed, his headache coming back now that he wasn't distracted. He wished the ship hummed like the antique ones, he wished the floors cricked or that he heard pings from the pipes in the walls. As it was, he laid there, and he couldn't sleep because the silence was just too loud.

* * *

 

Jim was so thankful he had amazing, well-trained and competent staff. Spock and Uhura had made excellent progress the day before and Jim merely had to give his apologies to the Calnaen ambassador for his absence. Luckily, they spoke rough standard and he was able to catch on to a few words after the long six hours of debate. It was times like these that he wished he wasn't a captain. Jim was the only one who could sign off on treaties on his ship. Spock could give him suggestions and when he was acting captain, he had the authority to make those decisions but otherwise, it fell on him. The Calnaen's wanted too much from them, their fleet was still in process of being rebuilt as well as having the majority of their members now being under the age of fifty-five, the youngest median age in the past century. Although half their fleet had been safe during both attacks of the past two years, they were still at least forty percent short of what they needed for intergalactic protection and exchange. It was one of the many logical reasons for Jim and his crew to be flying to all the allies of Terra, updating treaties, making sure everyone was happy and not going to upset the balance they had finally settled into.

As it was, six hours into it, Jim sighed heavily and said, “Star Fleet cannot guarantee that large of a quantity of Hetrolite. Besides, the fact that we cannot produce that much directly, the Andorian's would have to also be apart of these negotiations since it would be them that would produce at least sixty percent of the product that you are looking for.” Jim was getting stressed and it was slowing becoming noticeable. Spock gave him a glance and Jim swallowed and tried to think quickly before Ambassador Culac pulled out. The older blue man wasn't looking very charmed anymore.

Jim spoke as his mind raced. “We can guarantee six shipments annually, no more. As for future markets, we can produce nine shipments of Hyment, silicone and patrolite.” Spock quickly looked at him and Jim spoke with more confidence. “Ambassador Culac, I can personally guarantee you that while we are not able to give you the finished product, I can have five researchers of Star Fleet come here for three to six weeks to teach you how to produce Hetrolite. This also opens up opportunities for you to trade not only with your neighbours; the Tellarite, but also gives closer ties to them as well. As I understand they are in a current argument with the Andorians.”

Cullac smiled and replied, “When are they not arguing about something? I daresay one Ambassador merely complimented another's wife and it was blown out of proportion. So, you believe that the Andorian's would allow us to make the Hetrolite that they are so proud of?” Jim didn't stop to think about it. He had known a few of them throughout his life, most had been criminals but he inwardly shrugged. Jim knew they were proud people, and he also knew that though the Calnaen people would make the exact same product as them, the Andorians would automatically see it as inferior, their allies wouldn't buy from Calnaen's merely out of loyalty but Tellarites would as well as the neighbouring star system. Enough planets to raise up the Calnaen's stagnate market. Jim nodded and said simply, “Yes.”

It took another hour before Jim signed the piece of paper and held his finger to the screen on his PADD. The ambassador followed suit looking quite happy himself. He grinned at Jim and said cheerfully, “It has been lovely meeting you Captain and I do hope we can contribute for years to come in the Federation of Peace.” Jim smiled and was lead out into the very busy and happy streets. These people had waited the past forty-five years for a stable council. They had worked incredibly hard to get into the Federation once they saw the benefits of their neighbours and had waited twenty years until they were sure of their own leaders. Spock, Jim, Uhura and Carol were all present to meet the council and were shown an excellent evening of food and parades. Jim tired not to let his headache distract him too much.

* * *

 

Spock watched Jim sit ungracefully into the chair, without complaint. He knew instantly that Jim was exhausted and so did Doctor McCoy for the man didn't say anything. Spock raised his brow and Jim smiled at him, saying, “That turned out better than I expected.” Spock had been surprised and then proud of Jim's compromise to the Calnaen people. “I do believe that is due to your negotiation tactics, Captian.” Jim laughed and merely gave Bones a look as he scanned his body. “Are you telling me I was awesome, Spock?” Spock pushed down his own amusement, the banter between them now more natural to him. “No. I am merely stating a fact, were it not for your unconventional solutions I doubt the treaty would have been signed today. I also believe the council would have been dismantled due to their failure to join the Federation.” “And what a shame that would have been, they're the first council I've seen that works so harmoniously and transparently. I-Ow! Bones!” Jim winced as Doctor McCoy stuck a hypo in his neck.

“That should make your headache go away.” Jim rubbed his neck and Spock made himself relax. “You could have given me some warning.” “I did, you just weren't paying attention, Captain Awesome.” Jim rolled his eyes in a movement that meant annoyance although Spock believed that he did so 'teasingly'. “So, good news.” Spock listened carefully and gave Jim a look to get him to quiet. Jim turned to look at the doctor as well. “Your blood's finally stable and no, you're not going to be superman.” Spock frowned at 'superman' as he did not know that term. But he had to speak up, “Was I correct in hearing that the Captain's blood is only now stable, doctor?” Jim winced and didn't look at him and McCoy turned to look at both of them before sighing loudly.

“You didn't tell the hobogoblin?” Jim scolded McCoy while Spock ignored McCoy's nickname for him. Before, he would have found offence in such terms but it held no heat behind it and Spock knew the doctor did respect him if, even if they disagreed on several issues. What was more important, was Jim's physical well-being as well as his secrecy. Spock felt the emotions of worry first and then something akin to hurt. He stepped forward and Jim glanced at him as Bones said, “We knew if it was posted, Star Fleet would have grounded Jim and he is making a better recovery with me here.” Spock raised a brow, both disbelieving and angry. “It would have been prudent to to not only make myself aware but also follow protocol on such matters Doctor McCoy. The very fact that you held this information-”

“Spock.”

Spock was cut off and he watched as Jim winced at his gaze, although he was outwardly calm. Somehow, Jim always saw through him. “Spock, it's not what you think. I am physically good. I went through rehab and am fine in that department. I'm not going to pass out in the middle of a mission, which I know you thought off.” Spock had thought of several scenarios, each one making him angrier, but he stayed silent, letting Jim explain to him why he would keep this secret when they had already gone through the consequences of such actions. “So,” Jim looked hesitant at his silence and Spock felt a moment of satisfactory from it before he quickly pushed it down, he looked at McCoy to save him but McCoy merely gave him a look that Spock could not deceiver. Jim, however, had no such problem and looked back to him and said, “I have Lannect's Syndrome. It's the cause of all my allergies and as you know, in the few cases of those that contract the disease and actually survive, it get's into the DNA of the person. I happened to get it when I was two years old. It's always been there for me, I have a mild case, don't look like that, but that's also another reason why I will always choose Bones here to be my doctor. He's researched it the past four years and knows me better than anyone.”

Spock did not know how to comprehend this. It seemed for the third time in his life, he was left blank. Lannect's Syndrome, he had read about it in the Vulcan Science Academy, it was one of the few diseases that could affect Vulcans, and since Spock himself was a hybrid, he had a double chance of getting the disease. But it was rare, held inside the plant genes of five known planets. It was highly contagious. Most of the people who contracted the disease had picked the flowers as gifts unknowingly or breathed in the pollen. It was one of the most deadly diseases as well as incurable.

“It is in your DNA.” Spock said slowly. He knew why Jim hadn't offered this information to Star Fleet. At any moment, Jim may have an acute attack on his immune system, coughing, fever, unconsciousness and even organ failure in worse situations. Jim, seeing something in him said, “It's really a mild form Spock. I've only ever had seven episodes in my entire life. Most were when I was a kid and two were induced by...well by bad conditions and I was already unconscious when I had it.” Spock took a deep breath and said, “Khan's blood did not cure the disease.” He did not form it as a question, Jim's DNA had not changed in and off it's self. Spock had been thorough in his attentive when Jim was in recovery. He did not search for this. McCoy answered him anyway, “No it didn't. We gave Jim Khan's plasma and it did react with his blood. But it didn't take it away.” McCoy didn't say anything else and Spock grew even more nervous.

“What is it doctor?” McCoy looked at Jim and Jim looked intensely focused. “Just say it, Bones.”

“I believe that the structure changes in your DNA, that is different by the way, is going to affect your disease. I think it moved from mild to slightly moderate in the changes.” Jim let his head fall back, making a thump against the wall. Spock, once more took in a deep breath. “Doctor, how often could Jim be affected by this?” McCoy looked tired as he said, frustratingly, “I don't know, that's the problem. Damn, I have to wait for more data, years maybe. We need to know how often he is getting them and then get an average throughout each year. But that's just it, Lannect's is unpredictable, I think he'll get more infections then what he was getting so we're going to have to make sure he's healed from any open wounds almost immediately.”

Statistically Spock calculated that was at a four point zero eight chance with Jim involved. Spock nodded and declared, “Very well. We will follow protocol from tomorrow onward.” Jim quickly turned to look at him, saying frustratedly, “First off, don't talk like I'm not in the room. Second, what?” Spock tried to convey all the seriousness he felt, without being able to show it, as he said, “I will lead any landing party as Star Fleet protocol that needs a commanding officer. I will also be first to greet any ambassador in which seeks an alliance with Star Fleet first and when deemed safe and unlikely for those people to surprise us in an attack as the Tavlean people had shown us, I will comm you to join us.” He knew his logic was not computing for Jim for his mouth was wide open and he was staring at Spock with what had to be utter disbelief.

“So, I don't get to investigate any new worlds or people. I don't go onto any new planet without careful research by you, and for that matter, I'm supposed to what, do paperwork while all my crew gets to explore and learn?” Spock prepared him for another debate with his captain. For such a great man, Jim clearly had no grasp on logic or common sense, on keeping himself safe. “As you are aware of Regulations, section twelve, paragraph four states that in the event of away missions only one commanding officer may be present of oversee-”

“scientific research, diplomatic missions and any and all reasons for landing. Should there be more than one supervising officer they should have justification for more senior officers be present and report such missions in their logs. I know the regulation, Spock.” Spock nodded and said, “A regulation we have broken multiple times since our placement upon this ship. I can see the logic of actions in the matter of Khan and Nero. But since then, you have not thought of your position upon this ship and how bringing harm upon your person would affect the safety of those on board.”

"Spock, I died, I pretty sure I thought of it.” Spock held back wince at such a blatant comment. He had to push down multiple emotions without examining them. “I am not going to be stuck on this ship, acting like an invalid. I'm not dying. I will take into consideration your suggestions for seeking help, I will try my best to be more careful and alert of any new potential dangers to my person. But I am going down there and if you feel like accompanying me on these away-missions and endangering the lives of both senior officers on this ship, well, I won't report you to headquarters.”

"Jim,” Spock tried arguing once more, McCoy was not speaking, he was sitting back in his chair glancing between each of them. Jim did not allow him to continue. “Spock, we're done with this conversation. I did not sign up to Star Fleet to stay in my room. I'm not five, in fact at five I hated my bedroom. Bones,” Jim turned to McCoy relaxing slightly in his chair, “anything else I need to know about?”

“Your structural changes in your DNA is not going to affect you. I'll have to do more check-up unfortunately but other than monitoring your syndrome, that's it.” Jim nodded and smiled. “Okay then. I'm going to bed.” Jim got up and stopped in front of him. “I do appreciate your advice Spock, and your worry, but I made this choice four years ago and I had this back then. I am capable of looking after myself.” Jim slapped him on the shoulder and Spock, his shields not wholly up, felt exhaustion and nervousness as well as...joy? Jim walked out not waiting for the two of them. Spock was about to follow when Doctor McCoy spoke up quietly. “Spock.”

Spock turned back to see worry etched in the doctor's expression. He immediately had to stop himself from tensing. It had to do with Jim and Spock knew it instinctively. “I'll get right to it.” Spock could not help but say, “That would be most logical.” McCoy snorted and said, “Jim's DNA didn't change but the way the strands move, open and close, did. They twisted.” McCoy got up and showed him the samples underneath a scanner. Indeed, being familiar with blood cells, Spock saw it was indeed human but the structure of helix had morphed into being curled tightly, he watched as McCoy added a substance to the sample and watched as it unfurled much more than what a human blood cell would do. “What does this mean?” Spock did not look up but McCoy said lightly, “Not anything you're thinking. In fact, I think it's excellent.” He did look up at that.

“This is something unique to genetically enhanced species and well...Caitians.” Spock frowned, he did not know much about the race, but it did have one thing in common with those of genetic splicing. “He will heal faster.” McCoy nodded. “The only unknown is whether Lannect's will react favourably to that or not. It'll help with tissue regrowth. I can name five poisons that will have no affect on him, three plants that can kill most species and I know if his Lannect's doesn't hate it, he'll also be immune to.” Spock was confused, this was good news. “Why would you keep this from Jim?” McCoy looked at him disbelieving, replying, “This is Jim Kirk we're talking about. He jumps into danger without thinking now, imagine him knowing he's going to heal twice as fast naturally from any wound he's going to get.” Spock had to concede to McCoy's point. That would not be something he would divulge to his Captain. “Very well, is that all doctor?” McCoy nodded and said, “Don't tell him. I just wanted you to know.” He nodded once more.

Walking back to his quarters he knew he would need some meditation tonight. He did not like the fact that Jim had kept important information from him, nor did he like the fact that he was now keeping something from Jim. They had come to an easy friendship now and Spock tributed that all they've been through together, as well as the fact that they now confided in each other. It did not sit well with him that he had been wrong in that assumption. When he neared his quarters Spock lifted his head. Jim was waiting for him, looking both tired and hesitant.

“Jim?” Jim ducked his head down before lifting it back up. “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry. You've been there a lot for me the past couple of months, I guess I just didn't want to worry you. And let's face it, if I told you before that I had Lannect's you'd have contacted headquarters and I'd be grounded for the rest of my career.” Jim smiled and Spock allowed himself to relax slightly. He would have done just that, not only for Jim's well-being but also the crew. It did worry him that he had not considered to take that action now.

“Jim, I believe us to work harmoniously together when we are transparent in our work, do we not?” Jim nodded and Spock continued, “I wish you to be aware that I would... appreciate such honesty in our friendship as well.” The smile Jim graced him was wide and it lit up his eyes, he knew he had said something right to the man. “Are you telling me that I could talk to you about anything?” Now Spock could point out the amusement in Jim's expression. Spock replied truthfully, “Yes.” Jim chuckled and slapped him on his shoulder. “Thanks, Spock.” Jim turned to go to his door and Spock stopped him before he stepped in. “Jim?”

He turned to look at him and Spock said, “I expect you to have at least six hours of sleep tonight. I will cover the first two hours of your shift on the bridge if you happen to sleep to a healthy length of eight hours.” Before Jim could decide whether or not to smile or talk back to him, Spock said, “Goodnight.” As he walked into his room he heard Jim say goodnight back, it left him with a feeling of amusement.

Nyota was waiting up for him, she turned from watching the intergalactic news station and smiled. “I wish every diplomatic mission went like it did today. How's Kirk?” Spock started to change into his meditation robes and replied, “The captain is now free from his regular check-ins with Doctor McCoy. I also agree with your statement, today went...” Spock searched for a word and turned to Nyota, “smoothly.” She grinned at him. Spock held out his hand and took pleasure in the intimacy of touching his intended's hand.

“Did you manage to gather enough information on the Calnaen's language?” She nodded and was about to answer before being distracted by the holo. Spock too looked at it seeing the Andorian woman announcing an attack on the planet H'athi, it wasn't part of the Federation but had always been a peaceful planet. “It's the Crucible.” Nyota said quietly. And indeed there was the large ship being seen in the footage. He watched as the recording showed four other vessels being destroyed. Spock had to tamper down a sickening feeling as well as memories of other ships being blasted apart. Nyota turned it off before he could request she do so. “Let's not talk about them tonight, okay?” Spock nodded in response and moved to kiss Nyota. She leaned into him and asked, “Will you be sleeping tonight?” Spock shook his head, “I do not require it for three more nights. I will, however, meditate. You should rest.” Nyota nodded, sliding down into bed and curled up, looking as content as he felt in that moment. 

It took a few more moments for him to make himself move and leave the warmth of his bed.


	2. Secretive Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO very sorry for being so late in updating! I had many things go wrong all at once and now am happy to say I'll post a couple chapters at a time! I hope your not all angry at me! Sorry! Also, with so much writing I did end up making an error on the last chapter Spock Prime did change his name and it's Saros not Solak, my bad.

“You may open your eyes now.”

“I know. I just don't want to.” Jim smiled and could feel Spock's- Saros's – responding one as well. He opened his eyes to see the older man's warm ones trained on him. Jim couldn't help but yawn then and Saros raised a brow. “You should sleep.” “We've barely talked at all. You just got here.” Saros turned his head to glance at Jim's clock and then back to him, looking smug. Saros and he had come back to his place at three in the afternoon, it was now nine in the evening. “Damn.”

“How do you feel?” Jim, still reeling from the long meditation meld, finally took notice of his mind. He felt tired, exhausted, but for the first time in three months his headache was gone. Jim knew it would come back, it always did, but the next few days he'd cherish for having such a painless mind. He felt light, he felt...truly good. “I'm great.” Jim ended it with another yawn and that did it for Saros. He stood and helped Jim to stand, luckily, he had learned from the first couple of melds and had laid down on his back. Jim didn't know how Saros lasted so long in a sitting position without going numb in his legs. “Come, you will need to eat something before you retire for the night.”

Jim followed Saros who was now comfortable around his place. He watched as the older Vulcan made himself at home, went into the fridge and gathered the few groceries they had gotten together that afternoon. “What do you have in mind?” Jim asked as Saros grabbed a skillet. “You mentioned earlier you had a craving for something Asian, I think a simple, light, stir fry will help.” Jim hummed and asked, “Do you want me to help cut?” Spock nodded and said, “That would be helpful.” They ate a vegetable stir fry along with quick, handmade dumplings that Spock- Saros- made with a more Vulcan twist. Jim was trying to argue for a third helping but Saros was replying, “If you eat any more you will upset your stomach. I do believe now would be a good time to retire.”

Jim settled in bed, mostly flopping down. The moment he stretched out, his whole body ached to sleep. He hummed and closed his eyes. Without even looking he knew that Spock had raised a brow. Jim smiled, sat up and quickly tore off his shirt, throwing it across the room. “I'm not getting used to calling you Saros and it's been two years. I'm telling you, I just can't do it. You're just Spock to me. Other Spock. Older Spock. Alternate Spock. Freaking. Stubborn. Spock. ” Jim flopped back down and Spock gave out a little sigh. “As I have told you on countless occasions, only a select few know of my true identity. I do not wish for you to make a lapse when speaking in public and have a reporter be near by, or worse, a civilian. Only the few top Admirals know as well as the Vulcan Council. It is for the best.” Jim nodded once more without opening his heavy eyes. He could feel Spock staring down at him and he grinned, not being able to resist, he said cockily, “Like what you see?” He opened his eyes to see Spock pinching the bridge of his nose.

Jim chuckled at the sight. “You need to undress. I will get you suitable replacements.” Jim rolled his eyes and said out loud, “Six-two-two, temperature control rise twenty-five percent.” Spock gave him light breathable pyjama pants (newly bought) and he took off his robes finally. Jim moved over as Spock laid down next to him. He shrugged out of his pants and changed, used to the routine over the last couple months. “You will need to rest at least six point two hours to be sufficiently rested from our meld. Do you wish me to interfere if you have a nightmare again?” Jim frowned, thinking about it, he turned onto his side and waited for Spock to curl into him. “Last time you did that, I was in a fog for the next two days afterwards. Just let me have it, if I do. You're going to stay here though, right?” Jim turned his head, now fighting sleep. Spock nodded and turned himself to his side-table. Jim saw a PADD as well as a bowl of grapes and a glass of water. He smiled and turned around again. The slight coolness of Spock's body pressed against his back, gave him relief from the scorching hot inside his apartment.

“Night Spock.”

“Good Night, Jim.”

He was, Jim thought, becoming way too used to relying on this.

* * *

 

Jim was running late. Spock had made the most amazing crepes that morning and he only noticed the time after the Vulcan told him to quickly shower. Running into headquarters, he saw Spock-his own timeline Spock- waiting for him by the elevators. Jim grinned, seeing the stoic man giving him the look. “What?” Jim asked with a smile. “Why is it that every time we are on planet you somehow always run at least ten point seven minutes late, without fault? You are usually the one who is the most punctual when on duty, is this common for most humans or merely an exception to yourself?”

Jim snorted and they got into the lift as two ensigns got out. “Pretty sure I'm not the only one. I like to enjoy myself on my time off Spock. You need to start doing that.” Spock gave him a rather pointed look, with the brow raised that said, 'frustrated'. “Enjoying yourself does not require being late for scheduled appointments, Jim.” Jim gave him a bright smile as they walked into the Admirals floor. “Spock, one day I'm going to teach you the meaning of the word enjoyment. You will run late.” Jim shut up as they neared Admiral Tanner and both stood to attention.

The Admiral got right into business. “Good day gentlemen. I hope your well." Without waiting for a response she continued. "As both of you are aware, the Fleet is under extreme stress both from the Romulan and Klingon threats as well as the recent events of the Crucible. Staying inside Federation space is not only wise but at this point, necessary. I know that this situation does not agree with some of you,” Kristin's gaze hovered over to him and Jim tried not to look to annoyed at that jab, “but remember protecting our alliances and trying to merge other, more familiar planets into our Federation is at the top of our priority list. We are trusting the Fleet's flagship to be always at the highest level of professionalism and respect.” Both Jim and Spock nodded and Tanner did the same. “I called you here to tell you in person that your five year mission has been postponed, officially, indefinitely.”

“Indefinitely?” Jim couldn't help but break out, angrily shocked. “What does that mean? A year? Two? Are we looking down the road into twenty years from now?”

“Captain Kirk, please refrain from speaking out of turn. Indefinitely means indefinitely, I'm sure Commander Spock would be able to tell you the definition of the word.” “I do not believe Captain Kirk would need to be informed-” “It was sarcasm Spock.” Jim replied tiredly to see Spock glance at him and nod. Though Jim took some form of comfort to see the Vulcan looking as annoyed as him. They had both looked forward to at least having the mission in their sights. Jim had thought this was just going to be a couple month stint.

Dammit!

“Right now we need The Enterprise to carry twelve loads of metolite and hyper-gathline to New Vulcan and Andoria. Once you reach the later, in two weeks time, we will contact you for your next shipment. I believe Ambassador Det'ri will be needed to be transported to Star Base Three. Any questions?”

“Just one.” Jim said, trying to ignore the fuzziness of his mind and concentrate on this. “We're going to be reduced to a simple transport vessel?” Tanner took awhile to speak and when she did she was calm, her lips twitched in an amused way. “The Enterprise will be the first ones to employ in new treaties. You will see new planets, Mr. Kirk, have no worries about that. For the meantime, enjoy the peace and calmness. For the next little while, you are going to be transporting and you'll also have more leisure time. I do believe your crew will enjoy themselves. I know how hard you make them all work but I assume you are aware not all of them are as consumed by it. I suggest you rest before we endure anymore chaos.”

Spock tilted his head in the way that Jim knew he was curious about something. “Do you mean to say, the Admirals are purposely giving The Enterprise a lighter workload due to our rather extreme missions in the past?” Tanner lifted a brow and she replied, “I think you've deserved a little break although your presence near the Federation and Earth has it's benefits, security being one of them. Do you not agree?” Spock didn't hesitate as he replied quickly, “You are mistaken in thinking that our crew is somehow weak or needing of this break, as you call it. Our team is some of the brightest, hardest working members of Star Fleet and they all thrive on their studies, to stop our missions and to keep us so confined will only increase emotional tension as well as a decrease of performance as they grow accustomed to routine. I have found in my research that our crew all benefit from the unexpected in space, it is, for some of them, the reason why they joined into field work. I would highly recommend that you give The Enterprise more away missions, even if they are only a few and while you say inside of Federation space, perhaps we can compromise on the light-years from which we travel. I can provide a list of planets both on the verge of joining and those that we may be able to persuade with frequent visitations. Some, however, are not within Federation space.”

Tanner looked over at him and Jim was grinning. At times like this, he absolutely loves Spock. The man was nothing but amazing, he managed to sound obedient, helpful and damn condescending all in the same breath. And then he had to speak again and Jim sighed. “Although, I do concede to your point on security of both The Enterprise as well as Terra, it is logical for Star Fleet to keep us so close.” Tanner nodded and said, “I'm going to give it to you straight. You two are the leaders of our best ship. She's been customized to perfection with the highest quality of weaponry and defensive capabilities. That's for a reason. The Crucible has long been a thorn in the Federation's side. But we haven't given them too much attention, we all know pirate ships exists, we all know of the risks in going into space. But this ship is something else, we know almost nothing about the crew except that they are highly skilled and not only in their fields. The Captain, a dark-haired man who is said to extremely violent and unpredictable is a master computer engineer, strategist and an expert in at least three martial arts. He killed four Romulans in less than fifteen minutes without using phasers.”

That got Spock's attention and Jim tensed as Tanner turned on the recording. “This is extremely rare, it is one of only two recordings we managed to dig up on the ship. The only reason we were able to is because the feed travels directly to Star fleet headquarters. We were in a training phase with the planets security.” _Weak move_ , Jim thought, _not looking for something like tha_ t. He watched as the camera picked up a team of four, as the the heist went perfectly, timed amazingly and he felt impressed at the cohesion of the team. Then the fight broke out, unexpected, and Jim watched as two of the humans one man-the other being Drex, she had grown up a lot since he last saw her and she shot one of the Romulan's. Mitch was the one that Jim kept his eyes on, he was fast, stronger than Jim had ever seen him and his reflexes were amazing. Jim watched the recording five times, as Spock spoke to Tanner about what they had to do.

Finally, he was satisfied that he wasn't imagining it. Jim knew paranoia, he knew the utter fear of telepathy. He still felt scared of Spock sometimes, even though he knew logically Spock would never dig into his mind. It was the thought that he could that made him shift every now and then. Mitch, however, didn't have an amazing hundred-and-some year old Vulcan helping. He hadn't shared every one of his memories and not get kicked back down. He didn't know awe or fascination or even calmness. And Jim knew, without any idea how, he knew Mitch had been tortured more than once over the years they'd been separated. Once more he felt his gut turn, it had been this way since The Crucible started making news and all those memories came back up. He hated them, he hated who he used to be, and he really hated how good Mitch fought and how he killed four Romulans who were the first to fully convert to the ways of Surak since the ending of Vulcan. He also hated the single moment when that a part of him liked the fight.

Jim sighed again and looked up. Tanner had been eyeing him carefully and he saw a glimpse of respect. “Thank you for taking this seriously Captain. I know you're not a man to sit back when there's so much you could learn about the galaxy around you. You're dismissed.” Jim got up and started to walk to the door, feeling as if he were in a haze. “Captain,” Jim turned back and Admiral Tanner continued, “Is there anything you have to say about the recording? You viewed it for a long time.” Jim glanced at a patient Spock and shook his head. “Whoever he is, he's gonna be a challenge.” She took a moment but nodded and then said, “Mr. Spock, I will make a note of your recommendations.”

* * *

 

“So that's good right? I mean ve'll still get missions.” Pavel said just before he took a large bite of his burger. Spock refrained from taking a deep breath and replied, “It seems as if the Admiral might be lenient in the future.” Nyota nodded and said, “I don't think the crew will mind. We've been worked hard over the past two and a half years. Everyone was thinking about saying goodbye to their families this time around so it's nice knowing we're going to see them this year.” As Spock only had his father and counterpart as family, and his counterpart was a unclassified area in his mind, he knew saying goodbye to his father for the next five years would be difficult. However, unlike humans they were logical beings and signing into Star Fleet did not qualify one to having a set schedule, he had known this, as did every member of Star Fleet. Spock gathered this was a human term of knowing something and experiencing it were different.

“I'm glad we get more free time. The past couple of months have been mission after mission. And Jim is insanely paranoid about our capabilities.” Carol said and Spock felt himself grow alert to the name of the missing member of their table. “I do not believe Jim is being, as you say 'paranoid', it is logical, after the fighting we have been through and with current attacks happening, that he is closely monitoring our weapon systems for our safety.” Carol smirked and said, “Not paranoid?”, in a tone he did not register. Spock tilted his head as she dug into her large purse and pulled out her PADD. “Do you take that with you everywhere?” Leonard asked and she quickly replied with, “How many hypo's do you have on you, Mr Doctor?” She smiled as Leonard slumped down though he was smiling. “As you know Spock and Monty, Jim asked the science and engineering department to update their...well mostly everything over the last five months.” Spock raised a brow at her tone, this one slightly arrogant and slightly...teasingly. She glanced at Spock and smiled, he relaxed slightly but was still sceptical. “Aye, he had me working for eight weeks with barely any sleep. It's was bloody horrible.” “It really was.” Montgomery and Keenser said and they all refused to reply. Everyone knew that Jim did not make either males stay past any regulated time.

“Here.” Carol passed the PADD directly to Spock, even though others around the table were very much interested. Spock was aware of most of Jim's projects, most currently on the current strengthening of their shields and new technologies from Sana Kor to protect their transporter rooms and shuttles. This, however, were multiple programs, over ninety percent of them were hidden and locked. Out of curiosity, Spock pushed away his salad and soup and pressed on a code. He typed for over ten minutes as Carol explained many of the systems tweaks to Montgomery who looked more and more shocked. Ten minutes later, Spock had revealed seven layers and he knew their were at least thirty-seven more. It would take him over an hour to unlock one simple overwrite on their missile command. He exited and scrolled down the list, there was footage of Jim working both in the science labs (when Spock was on shift or he had retired) and in the engineering room at all hours.

“I'm going to kill him.” Montgomery said, looking at the codes from over his shoulder. He pointed and said loudly, “That one there is something to do with my transporter beam. And that one's an override for shuttle launches. What the bloody devil is that man doing to my ship?” Montgomery sat down and before Spock could reply, that the ship was not in Montgomery's personal possessions, Carol spoke again, “Like I said, Jim is going through a personal paranoid problem. I think the Admiralty has him all twisted up, we all might like to sit back on Earth every few months but I think Jim actually likes running for his life every week.” Everyone settled down at that statement and although Spock wanted to deny that idea as illogical due to the sole purpose of wanting to live, he shared a glance with Leonard who shook his head.

Spock passed Carol back her PADD and he took a bite of his salad. Sulu, who had finished his rather strong smelling chicken entrée, asked, “Who wants desert?” Montgomery and Nyota (both finished as well) swiped the table and selected the desert menu and Nyota read the list out loud for everyone.

“What do you feel like doing later?” Nyota asked as everyone settled down to continue eating their deserts five minutes later. Leonard was discussing a theatre production to Carol and Pavel. Keenser was going to see his brother off planet for the next week and Montgomery was going with him having promised to do so a few weeks prior. Sulu, while wanting to go to a fencing competition was looking over at Leonard who was still speaking. “I thought of going to the exhibit on Gath'lei'an physics. They are showing a rare demonstration in the Memorial Hall. Professor Heth and Doctor J'luq will both be attending. It is the last time they will both appear in the same conference. J'luq is retiring from public life.” Spock was excited for the conference, it was the newest insight to a recently discovered planet and their laws of being were completely different from other registered planets. Nyota frowned and he continued, “You do not have to come if you do not find the notion enjoyable.” She smiled and informed him, “No, I'll come. I want to do something will you today. Are you sure you don't want to come with me tomorrow?” He nodded, Spock had planned this lunch as something between just the two of them, but Nyota had met up with the 'gang' earlier and had invited them along unintentionally making Spock cancel their lunch he had planed as a surprise since Nyota usually favoured them. This would be the only day they had to spend together since she was leaving for Africa tomorrow morning.

Spock replied factually, “As Jim requires me to be available for maintenance and any unplanned emergencies, I cannot make it to Africa this trip. Although, do tell your aunt Sanna that I am grateful for the spices she gifted us.” Nyota smiled but before she could comment, they both glanced at the cafe door opening.

Surprised Spock was the first to see their captain standing by the door allowing his eyes to adjust from the brightness outside. He was surprised at Jim's choice in clothes as it was a tailored look with a very expensive looking suit. Leonard snorted and said, “Told you so.” Spock silently thought that was a reference to the beginning of this lunch. He had asked if Jim would be joining, and Leonard had replied they would not see much of their friend for the duration of their stay. As Spock had gotten curious and worried, Leonard had made a hidden sexual reference. This must be Jim going on what some referred to as a 'date'. Just as Spock wondered if it were true or that perhaps, he was making an assumption, Jim caught sight of their table and grinned. He looked healthy and Spock noted that he was not wheezing. He felt constantly on edge as he unconsciously surveyed Jim's well-being.

“What are all of you doing here?” Jim asked as he approached their table. Leonard snorted, though he stood up and hugged Jim. Spock still did not understand their relationship banter. “Maybe if you checked your damn comm, you'd see we invited you but luckily didn't wait to start eating.” Jim smiled as Leonard sat back down and rolled his eyes. “I have an important meeting today. Can't do anything, I'm afraid.”

“A meeting?” Spock asked, ready to stand up himself. If Jim were meeting the Admirals, Spock needed to be ready and presentable. As it was, he was currently in a casual attire of a sweater and jeans, he would need to change. Jim put a hand on his shoulder to stop him from standing and said, “Not a business one, Spock. It's personal.” Leonard smiled and turned to Sulu, saying, “You really shouldn't bet on Jim having a moral code.” Sulu sighed and gave Jim a frustrated look, saying, “Seriously. We've been planet-side for two days. How do you get a date in two days.” Jim grinned brightly and laughed. “I can get a date in half a second, unfortunately, this is not one of them. Sulu, keep your credits.” Leonard looked sceptical and said, “You're looking good for a not-date.” Jim raised his arms showing off the well-made, dark grey suit and tie. Carol whistled and some of them chuckled.

“I always look good. And really?” Suddenly, Jim turned slightly nervous and patted down his front. “It doesn't look overly done does it?” Nyota laughed and said, “Seriously, James T. Kirk nervous?” Jim mockingly glared at her but then showed his 'puppy expression' at him. “Spock? Okay or lose the tie?” Spock raised a brow, Jim always asked him for his opinion on his own choice in outfits and it never did compute with him how his opinion on it mattered in any way. “You look adequate. The tie is appropriate for a lunch meeting. May I enquire as to whom you are here to greet?” Before Jim could answer, Spock found himself looking towards the closing door and at his  counterpart. It was always a jarring experience to meet with him and to outline his own (but not his own) face, in what it will be when all those around him have long since passed on. It did not set well with him and logically was one reason why he did not enjoy meeting with Saros on such frequent occasions.

Jim on the other-hand brightened considerably. Spock knew they kept in touch but he did not believe Jim knew Saros was presently on Terra. “Saros, hey, I thought you said you couldn't make it?” Spock tensed as 'Saros' immediately responded to Jim's public hug. “I moved around a couple appointments and now have the afternoon. I thought you might appreciate the company.” Saros turned to the rest of them who were all opening staring and he smiled slightly. It caused unending frustration when he saw his older self so at peace with both his heritages. “It is lovely to see you all. Will they be joining us Jim?” Jim went red and stumbled over his words. “Uh...uh...no. No I don't think that'd be appropriate for right now.” Saros raised a brow but then smiled as Jim asked him, “How do I look? Too overly done, or casual but business-like?” Spock noted the fact that there wasn't much space between the two and when Saros reached over to smooth over Jim's shoulders unnecessarily, Spock had to keep himself from tensing. Such a show in public was not only rude but doubly embarrassing considering it was his own counterpart.

“You look excellent. You have no need to worry, we've been over this.” Saros tilted his head and then asked, “Is that the silk tie?” Jim quickly looked down and raised his hand to self-consciously check on it. “Yeah. Why? Should I have gone with the other one?” Spock answered before Saros could. “As I have said before, that tie is adequate.” Saros looked at him and Spock could see clear amusement in his eyes. “Good dammit Spock... don't do that.” Though it was quiet Spock picked it up and frowned and replied, “I am sorry-” “No, not you Spock. This one.” Spock relaxed as Jim pointed a finger at his older self who was smiling even more.

Once again the door opened and in came, to Spock's surprise, three Vulcan council members. “Relax.” Saros said quietly to Jim who Spock noted was much more tense. His father spotted them immediately, followed by an elder council member who survived Vulcan as well as a professor who had been initiated into the council a year prior. “Sarek, Varen...T'nesh, it's good to see you.” Spock raised his brow at Jim's familiar greeting to the renown professor. T'nesh, it seemed to Spock, looked quite excited and he quickly replied, “I do believe it is ritual to say, 'as it is you'.” Jim nodded and smiled, he glanced at Varen who raised his hand in the Ta'al. Jim returned it effortlessly and spoke surprisingly in the most difficult of Vulcan dialects. Varen's own mother language. Spock's second language.

“We have not met officially. I am James Kirk and I look forward to our future correspondence.” Spock quickly touched Nyota's covered leg to stop her from interrupting. She gave him a shocked and curious look. Spock shook his head in answer, he had not known Jim spoke so fluently. He sounded even more natural than Nyota, if Spock did not see him, he would think him a native Vulcan. “My name is T'nesh and I have been assigned V'Nea's old cases as I have taken her position. While I was informed you were instructed in our ways and are included in our data bases. I made an error to assume you were still an outsider. How many dialect's of Vulcan do you speak?” Spock sat back shocked completely by that statement, Nyota looked over at him not knowing some of the words herself, he calculated that she would soon ask him for a complete translation. He felt, more than saw Jim still and Jim quickly glanced at him before replying, still in flawless Vulcan. “It is a high compliment to be included into your race. I am fluent and literate in all eight dialects as well as your cousins. Vulcan is my second tongue.” More information that Spock had not known about his captain. Once more he felt slight anger over the fact that Jim had not brought this up and when it did, it was to strangers. And to be included in their race meant one of two things. Both highly unlikely, what then had Jim done to get that elusive invitation?

“Will your crew be joining us?” Sarek spoke in standard and both father and son looked at each other in amusement as Jim tensed once more and stood straighter. Jim's unnatural fear and nervousness around Sarek was quite amusing to both of them. Jim replied quickly, “No. This is just between us for now.” Sarek nodded and Jim said, “Shall we finally pay attention to our waitress and let her lead us to our table?” Jim nodded toward a young girl who was standing a few feet away. She blushed and asked, “Are you joining this table or...” Jim singled to let her lead them to a clear table in the back.

Before he left with Saros, Jim looked at there open, curious expressions, Spock's closed, confused one and Spock watched as Jim winced. “It's a really long story. Promise I'll clue you in later.” Without meaning to Spock spoke, “How far away will later be?” Jim flushed red and said, “Have a great day guys. I'll see you.”

“So...” Pavel said seeing Saros and Jim walk over to the table. “Who wants to bet it's half a date?” He asked as Saros reached over to touch Jim. Spock felt a flush of embarrassment and disbelief, he ignored the comment and finished his desert silently.

* * *

 

Contrary to Leonard's prediction Spock did end up seeing Jim before their week leave was over. Unexpectedly, Jim showed up at his apartment in the evening three days before their arrival back on board the Enterprise. “Sorry about not comming you yesterday. I was wih Spo-well...the other you and time sort of slipped away. Do you want to hangout now or do you have plans?”

“I have no plans. My father has just left for his hotel. Would you like to come in?” Jim grinned and quickly walked in, taking off his leather jacket. “We are going to be seeing a lot of your dad. Admiral Barnett wants us to make sure all Vulcan transfers, if not on the Vulcan ships, will be delivered through us.” Spock nodded, his father having informed him on this just an hour previously. Jim sat down on his couch, familiar with his apartment. He looked around before asking, “Where's Uhura?” Spock raised a brow skeptically and said, “As you already know, she is spending her leisure time with her family in South Africa.” Jim let his head fall back as he groaned. “Right, right she told me about that. So, guys night it is then. What do you want to do?” As Spock had no formal plans he had decided to work on his experiments in the Star Fleet labs. He said as much and Jim groaned once more.

“Nope, I am not going to let you work right now. How about...did you see the conference with Professors J'luq and Heth a couple days ago?” Spock felt a pang of regret. “Unfortunately, I did not. I was preoccupied.” “Oh, damn. It was good. After our meeting was done, Saros and I went. He liked it.” Spock felt a stab of irritation at that. He pushed away the illogical emotion and relaxed next to Jim. “Do you want me to comm J'luq and ask his to come back this evening? Heth is still doing the presentation. You don't have to miss it.”

Spock would have gaped had he been human, instead he asked, “How?” Jim grinned at him, lighting up his eyes. “Oh, don't worry. Me and J'luq go way back. He knew me when I was finishing high school on Zanna Mi. Many, many debates ago. I find he's a little egotistical.” Spock almost smiled at that and true to form, Jim commed one of the most renown scientist in the galaxy and argued for fifteen minutes before he finally said, “Oh, C'mon, old man. I got a freaking Vulcan that wants to talk to you. A Vulcan, you know the science nerds of the entire galaxy. Passing an intellectual conversation up with him is like saying no to the lottery. So shut up and come along. Heth isn't that bad of an ass. One night. I'll give you that chip you want.”

A pause sounded and Jim grinned at him. “You're willing to give that up?” Spock heard from the other line in a disbelieving tone though it did also sound excited. “Sure, what's three years of research for if not to bargain with it for a guys night?” J'luq laughed and said, “You're lucky I haven't left Terra yet. I'll have to call Heth. He's not going to like it.”

Two hours later, he and Jim sat in a crowed auditorium and Jim nudged him. The lights dimmed and the show started. Spock leaned over and said quietly, “Thank you.” Jim turned and his expression was open, even...soft. “Hey, buddy, it's the lest I could do. No thanks needed.” Then Jim lifted a box of Terran candy and grinned mischievously (he was still trying to get him to eat from his hands) Spock declined and pushed all questions about his mysterious friend out of his mind. After all, he knew he would not welcome anyone else prying into his personal life. Jim trusted him, had told him so and had saved his life on multiple occasions. When he felt like sharing, Spock would let him know he was willing to listen. They were friends, he felt assured in that, if nothing else about James T. Kirk. Jim laughed as J'laq made a joke and Spock felt content and quickly turned his attention to highly complicated equations coming up.


	3. Can There be Trust with Secrets?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dun. dun, dunnnn! Chapter three, it's all yours!

 “I really don't get it.”

Jim sighed and lifted his hand again. Bones handed him a cutter and he replied, “Honestly, it's none of your business either way. Spock's my friend, both Spock's and both mean a lot to me. After all, most people don't get us.” Jim poked his head outside of the panel in the Jefferson tube to see Bones looking at him skeptically. “I sent Saros his gift and I know he's gonna love it. Spock, our Spock, on the other hand, is a bit tricky. Tell me, you're going to agree to this. You know your birthday present was amazing last month.” Jim widened his eyes in his pleading-puppy-expression and Bones sighed, giving in predictably. “Fine, but if any one get's hurt like they did on Scotty's birthday, you're going to owe me.” Bones turned and walked away and Jim grinned after him, shouting, “Scotty's birthday was awesome and you loved it!” Bones didn't argue instead he replied over his shoulder, “Thank god we don't believe in repeating anything on this ship.”

As he was about to exit the tube, Bones looked back at him and asked, “So what are you going to do next year for him?” He was smiling at Jim suddenly grim and overwhelmed expression. “Dammit.” Jim said, looking at the controls. But what the hell, after all, a certain Vulcan only turned thirty-one once.

* * *

 

Jim spent the next day after his shift going through his data on his PADD. Much of it was hard, he skipped over several documents. His head started pounding by the end and he was getting irrationally angry at his headaches and tension. He felt like shit all the time. Luckily, he had yet to get an attack but he could feel the symptoms of his Lannects, the tightening of his chest, tiredness, muscle pain and overall, shittyness. He blinked as his alert sounded. “Come on in.”

Carol was at his door and grinned as she entered. “I got it all set up with the crew. I got his gift and I'm hiding it in here, I don't Spock finding it in the Science labs and my room is terrible to hide stuff in. Spock and I have a meeting tonight there, so here." Jim took the bag and she said, "Don't you dare peak. Also, Sickbay does not like any of this. Just informing you.” Jim nodded and replied, “Doctors hate change, let that be known for future use.” Carol gave him a sceptical look and said, “Leonard and I are not dating.” Jim hummed and she scoffed. “We're not.” Jim hummed again and smiled. “Shut up.” Now he laughed and called out, as Carol walked away, “Don't break his heart. My loyalties are fixed you know. Leonard get's custody.” He was still laughing as she flipped him off.

They had been dancing around each other for months now, if not the past year that they'd know each other. Jim had held Bones back. Let's face it, the man fell in love right away, he didn't need to be hurt anymore and Jim, surprising himself, felt slightly insecure at the thought of Bones moving on. Sure, it would be awesome. Bones could have someone and not be so alone. Jim would be happy. Honestly, happy. But it also thrown in his face, that Jim would never have that. More and more lately, that was starting to affect him. He tried to push it down, but somehow, it wouldn't stay. All his life he'd been pushing his emotions down. He was a master at it. And when he failed, he beat it out, poured every bad thing into his fists and kept punching until the physical pain made everything disappear. But now he was a Captain, an adult, a respected one at that. He couldn't just fight someone and even sex, while for the first time in his life felt amazing. Really amazing, it also felt more hollow. He hated feeling this way and the only time he didn't was when Spock melded with him. Jim knew, having been informed from both T'Pau and Spock (elder) this was a side-effect of a broken bond. That feeling of a missing limb, of being half there. Jim could only define it as losing someone so familiar that he was starting to speak only to realize that person wasn't there. Losing his bond, even how he hated it and loved that he was finally free was simply and powerfully, hard. He missed his mind being tied. He missed that sense of we, of togetherness, of someone there every second of every day. Jim missed having someone live through it with him. And not having it was making him feel for the first time since his childhood, truly and utterly alone.

Being human sucked sometimes.

* * *

 

Jim debated a long time the next morning whether wearing his Vulcan robe would be considered offensive. He decided it would be classified as 'unnecessary' and decided to go in his normal work clothes. He got up particularly early, so that he could stand outside Spock's room and wait for the Vulcan to get out. Exactly ten seconds later his First Officer's door opened. Jim grinned and Spock blinked. He couldn't help but laugh a little nervously and said, “Happy birthday!” Spock took a single step outside the compartment and looked down the hall. “This is...unexpected.”

Finally, Jim relaxed and said, “You know how I celebrate the crew's birthdays and since I was out of commission on your thirtieth, which by the way, in human standards is a significant birthday, I thought I'd celebrate this one equally as big.” Spock raised a brow at him in a amused expression, he replied equally as calm, “You give the crew members leisure time or even leave if we are posted near a star base. Nyota had tickets to a linguistic conference as well as a extremely expensive bottle of wine. Carol had a shopping trip and I believe an illegal purchase of a weaponized Halcrate. I can go on.” “Please don't. Just get to the point.” Jim was getting nervous, did Spock not like this?

“The other crew members birthdays did not effect the ship's regulated controls. How are the others affected by you tampering with temperature, humidity and light?” Jim blinked and sighed, “Oh, that's what you're worried about? No, they're all good. They got the memos every week for the past month, I sent out devices that regulate the air flow around their bodies. I got the idea for them from Old Vulcan.” Jim brought down his collar so Spock could eye the small cable cord around his neck. Spock touched it and replied, “This is very closely resembling the Vulcan temperate regulator.” Jim nodded and smiled saying, “And everyone has a mandatory water-bottle.” Jim lifted up his thin, small water. “Practical.” Jim tucked it away in his belt and asked, “So...what do you think?”

Jim put his hand on Spock's shoulder as they walked down the hall. “Overall, I believe this gesture to be misplaced and unnecessary. As Vulcan's do not celebrate our birthdays, as you very well know, it is foolish and can be punishable since I do not believe the Admiralty allowed you to change operating standards within the ship's monitoring system over a whim.” Jim was about to reply as they got into the lift, Spock's birthday was not a whim, it took some real good planning.

“However,” Spock continued now his tone slightly smug underneath. Jim felt his lips twitch as Spock glanced at him. His eyes were alight and for the first time that morning Jim felt relaxed. “It is pleasant to have a more comfortable atmosphere.” Now Jim grinned as they stepped onto the bridge. Everyone looked up and smiled, cheering, Jim made Spock endure a Happy Birthday song and he slapped him on the back. “Okay everyone. Spock's off duty at nineteen-hundred tonight. Birthday celebrations in Rec Room Three.” Everyone cheered and the science team all passed them wishing Spock congratulations. He stopped replying that it was all unneeded when Jim nudged him and instead nodded at everyone. Nyota only then kissed him lightly and Jim whistled before sitting down in his chair. Everyone was smiling as Jim asked Sulu, “Where are we headed Mr. Sulu?”

The afternoon passed semi-happily and quickly. Most of the staff were slow and kept getting up to refill their water bottles. The temperature, lighting and gravitational shift were changed to resemble a Vulcan star ship. A ship that Spock could have been working on had he not applied to Star Fleet. The humans didn't enjoy the forty-six degree Celsius/ one-hundred fifteen Fahrenheit temperature very well, even with their devices. Jim fared slightly better, having been used to extremely hot climates in the past, except for the fact that throughout the day he kept on having flashbacks. They were upsetting to say the least and oftentimes left him staring at one of his cadets as they tried to talk to him. Spock on the other-hand felt finally completely comfortable and relaxed. Jim labelled it as a win even with his PTSD coming through and made a note to hack his friend's console on the bridge to adjust the temperature for the future. What the Admiralty didn't know, wouldn't kill them in this instance.

Spock seemed overwhelmed at the display of the crew members wishing him birthday well-wishes which Jim found funny and soon he was leading a reluctant Vulcan to Rec Room Three. Almost everyone was there and the noise of the cheers that erupted made Jim hiss and Spock tense. Jim was sure that Spock was holding back a wince at the it all. Jim made him stand through a very loud and merry Happy Birthday song (again) and soon everyone was chatting, getting Spock involved in all sorts of conversation. Jim grinned at him as he took a sip of his drink and said over the noise, “Don't worry Spock, it'll be over soon and you don't have to worry about it for another year.” Spock gave him a look which clearly read 'We have to do this again'. Jim nodded and then laughed as more people came up.

Two hours later, half of which Jim spent trying, unsuccessfully, to get Spock to drink REAL chocolate milk that Jim had smuggled on board a few days ago, the crowd started thinning and Jim was feeling sympathetic towards his friend. After wishing the crew a good night, telling them that they could sleep in an hour extra (lots of cheers there) with Spock stating regulations that he ignored, Jim got the Alpha crew and lead them to the empty observation room. Spock immediately froze at the sights of gift bags on the table as well as a jug of Vulcan Part'ak iced tea. They all took their seats and Spock started with. “None of you had to get me anything. As Vulcan's do not celebrate their birthdays, this whole-”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Jim said reaching forward, “We all know. Now open them up. This one is from Bones.” Bones snorted and leaned back onto the couch, closely positioned by Carol. Jim couldn't help but discreetly wink at her as Bones said, “Don't expect too much. And don't tell us if you hate it. You say thank you and wait until you're in your quarters and then never look at it.” Spock raise a doubtful brow and Bones shrugged, replying, “It's what humans do.” Bones ended up giving him an excellent gift, a rare hard copy of the discoveries of the Delta quadrant in the last fifty-seven years. It had been written by a now deceased Vulcan professor and Spock very carefully set it down away from the drinks. Next Carol and Sulu went the electronic route and both got him systems to place into his science console, making his the fastest and most efficient on the ship, not that it already wasn't, Jim leaned in while Sulu explained the placement and which wires to hook it all up to.

Jim looked up and said, “Man, my birthday isn't for another six months. Think you can work up something like that for my PADD?” Nyota and Scotty laughed as Spock said, “I do believe with your skill set you could program it into your PADD within a month thereby making the wait of six months unnecessary.” Jim rolled his eyes and replied, “But it's not as much fun as when someone does it for you.” Spock was amused at that and he took a drink of the tea before opening Pasha's gift and then Scotty's, Pasha gave him an ancient Russian board game focusing on strategy as well as a old book focused on ancient fairy-tales and folklore, in Russian as well.

Scotty's gift box was empty and he said, “Keenser and I got you a stabilizer on your project in the lab. It's already installed,” Scotty seemed quite excited as he grinned, continuing, “I can't wait for you to try it out. It's bloody fantastic.” "It took a lot of planning," Keenser continued saying, "It should increase your results by nine or ten days." Spock nodded respectfully and set aside the empty box, Keenser raised his glass before he tried a sip and then slowly set aside the drink, trying his hide the way his face scrunched up in disgust.

Nyota gave Spock a Vulcan statue that had been in her family and Spock seemed shocked that he held such an important item. “It is made out of The Forge. You can tell by looking at the grey lines in-between the red.” Both Jim and Nyota looked but it honestly only looked red to Jim. Humans would have to look under a microscope to see that. They all looked away discreetly, most of them getting another drink as Spock reached out his hand to Nyota. Everyone relaxed and Spock looked at the bare table and then back at Jim. “I thank you for turning The Enterprises controls off. As well as to all of you, you did not have to go out of your way to do this for me.”

“Birthdays are meant to be special Spock.” Jim said and then he coughed, now his heart was starting to race and he really hoped Spock didn't choke him over it. He immediately thought of the last time he gave a Vulcan a present and it made it ten times worse. Jim shakily, quickly reached down and pulled out his PADD from underneath his chair. “Here, I've already transferred it to your PADD in your cabin but I thought you'd like to take a look here.” Spock was curious and he said, “I thought you had already given me your gift.” Jim rolled his eyes and cheerfully replied, “I had to do something special for my First Officer, what kind of Captain would I be if I just gave you a little gift.” Nyota rolled her eyes and then both of them stilled as Spock turned on the PADD. In a single moment Spock let his guard fall and he gasped making everyone around the room grow alert.

Nyota's expression was easier to read making the gang all extremely curious. “Jim...” Spock breathed, not looking up. “How did you acquire these?” Jim swallowed and said, “Remember how I said I knew Amanda. Well, we went on my very first birthday tour when I turned eighteen. These are all the holopic's we took while I stayed with her. There's a few videos as well. I sent Sarek and Saros them as well. I hope it's okay.” Spock took a moment to respond and he nodded not looking up from images of his mother. He stopped when he came across the image of himself as a boy. Spock sharply looked up at him as Nyota asked, “Aw, is that you Spock?”

“Yes it is, why do you have this one?” Jim shrugged, blushing and said, “I saw it on the mantle and I liked it. You look so frustrated, it's funny.” Scotty, who was leaning over to see them, had a disbelieving expression as he said, “How do you see frustrated in that expression. I don't see anything, no offence. Your mother's pretty.” Spock nodded to Scotty, still looking seriously at Jim and said simply, “Thank you for this.”

Jim smiled and said truthfully, “They were always yours, I'm just giving them back to you.”

When everyone finally decided bed would be nice, Spock asked Nyota to go ahead of them into the lift. “I need a moment with the captain.” She nodded at both of them and said, “Night, Jim.” “Have a good one Nyota.”

Jim turned to Spock, curious, waiting for him to start. “Jim, I understand that you may keep personal matters to yourself, I do, however want you to know that I wish you to be more open about your past. I would like to know more about you. I did not know you had holopictures of my mother or that we could converse in Vulcan if you wished. While I am truly appreciative of your gift I would like to know the stories behind them.” Jim looked down and then back up, carefully asking, “Spock...are you ready to talk about your mother? Because I will, I'll tell you everything that she was to me and what we did together. But when I do, I'll also want to hear from her son and what kind of real mother she was to you, she was my friend and I'd love to heard stories about her.” Spock looked thoughtful and then said, “I will meditate on the matter and when I am deem myself ready will you be willing to speak?” Jim smiled and said, “Anytime, buddy. Now go on to your girlfriend. I think she has more gifts to give you.” He laughed at Spock's confused expression. As Jim walked away, determined not to go back to his room that night, he blatantly said turning around to face the Vulcan, “Sex, Spock. Birthday boys always get sex when they're in a relationship.” He was still chuckling as Spock silently got into the lift, ignoring his comment.

“Good night Jim.”

“Night, Spock.”

* * *

 

Jim's head was killing him. They've only been in space a month. A whopping month since they'd last been on earth. Since Sana Kor officially had a meeting with Vulcan again. His project was once again ago, this time overseen by Sarek himself and they were speeding by, seriously fast. They had seemed very much impressed and throughout the past two years Jim had not stopped, it slowed down some but his team in his labs were highly motivated and an entire planet dying, Earth almost having the same fate, those tragedies didn't exactly deter them. Now Vulcan was back on, the ship was safe and boring and his headache was getting worse and worse.

Bones noticed and he seemed convinced it was his Lannect's and his own fault. His twitch was back and he kept rolling up his hands. But worst of all was the sense of emptiness that would not leave him. What made it worse was being surrounded by not-couples. First the actual one, Spock and Uhura who were to all outsiders perfectly perfect. Carol and Bones were one step away from becoming one, Carol kept visiting him in his office (he never complained about her interrupting his work like he did Jim) and he always had questions about her work, even actually entering the science labs for the first time. Now they were working together on making something for spinal injuries (Jim couldn't take their smiling at each other coyly so he left before he really listened).

Presently, he was staring and frowning at his oblivious Navigator. _Did he not know he was flirting, or was this a close-buddy sort of play like him and Bones?_ Jim was trying to categorize the two men. Sulu was ten years older than the kid and the most honourable man he knew. Jim tilted his head absently and thought, it did kind of ring true that the most outwardly good people were kind of kinky. _Was Sulu into that? Were they even into men_? Though this was the twenty-third century, some people preferred that not being known, people liked their privacy and Jim was the last person to judge. They roomed together for years and they go on vacations together. Though, so did he and Bones so it didn't have to be romantic...

“Captain?” Jim looked up and sideways at Spock who interrupted his thoughts. “Yeah?” He noticed Spock got that little line in-between his brows showing he was worried about something. “Are you well?” Jim hummed, feeling the pulsing in his head link onto his heartbeat and start pounding. “How long are we from New Vulcan?” Spock not-frowned again before speaking. “We are currently six hours, thirty-seven minutes from docking, Captain.” Jim nodded and stood, wobbling for a bit. Spock reached out to touch him and Jim instinctively flinched. Spock tensed at the noticeable gesture.

“You have the comm Spock. I have to go help Scotty with something.” Jim ended up, fifteen minutes later, curling up into a jefferson tube and finally admitting he may need help with this whole not-being-bonded-anymore-thing. He spent the next six hours wondering why the other space ships still called these Access Tunnels because jefferson tubes were so much cooler and as Scotty had made a note of when they had first started modifying them together, Simon Jefferson was an absolute genius in designing space crafts. He made these plans and he deserved some recognition for sure, Jim made a mental note (he hoped he wouldn't forget because his headache was killing him) to comm every crew member to tell them to call the access tubes Jefferson something. They'd come up with a good nickname. He might have to bully Spock into it though, he wouldn't call it anything but it's regulated name.

* * *

 

 When Jim showed up into the transporter room, Spock was surprised. He friend look pale and sickly but he was also wearing a Vulcan robe. It was made out of true Vulcan linen and looked well suited to Jim. Another object that Spock had not known Jim possessed. “I'm coming down with you Spock. Have you loaded everything already?” Spock nodded and replied, “The shipment has already been sent, New Vulcan merely needs a few adjustments in their coils for their completion of their hover system. As I know the most of this type currently I will be working on it for the next five point seven hours. Will you will coming with me, the two of us should be done within three point two hours if we work together.”

Jim smiled, but it was weak and Spock was about to suggest Jim call on Doctor McCoy instead. Perhaps, this was an onset of an attack. “I would love to but I'm actually going to see Sp-Saros. I need him for something. I also need to talk to T'Pau,” Spock was surprised at that though he nodded as they both got onto the transporter beam. “Anyway, I'm sorry I can't help you with that.” Spock replied evenly, still worried, “Are you sure you should be going to the surface? The temperature can be severe.” Jim put up his hood and said, “I'll be fine. Energize.” They beamed down and Spock had to catch Jim as they materialized. “Jim, you are not well.” Spock had to push down his worry as well as slight fear.

“I can take him from here.” Spock looked up to see himself, even more worried looking that Spock felt. “I am here, Jim,” Saros said quietly and Spock felt a nudge of anger as Jim quickly grabbed onto him. “I am here.”

“Spock.”

He looked away from the two to see his clan matriarch, T'Pau, coming towards him with his father beside her. T'pau still looked young for being one hundred thirty-five. She had grey hair now as well as lines around her eyes, but for Spock, he had a gut feeling as Jim would say, that she would live a lot longer than the two hundred years expected for average Vulcans. His own father was just getting grey hair and looked as young as a fifty year old human male. Once again, he was reminded that he would age much slower than the people he was surrounding himself with. He once more turned to look at Jim, who was sitting on a stone retainer wall next to the healing temple. “I finally made it Spock,” Jim said in a tone hinting amusement and fatigued, “You got me down here.” Saros' jaw tightened in a display of worry and he replied, “I did imagine it would be under different circumstances. T'Pau will you help me?”

Spock was about to follow when his father stopped him. “There is nothing you can do there Spock. Come, I will take you to the labs.” Spock stood frozen, staring after his ailing Captain. “I should be with him. Do you know what is wrong with him?” “I am aware of certain parts of Captain James' ailments. However, it is not my place to divulge that information to you. For now, know that he will recover shortly. Come.”

Spock spent the next few hours trying unsuccessfully not to think of Jim and what might be plaguing him. He debated contacting Doctor McCoy but knew that if his father and T'Pau said there was nothing he could do, it would only make Leonard anxious at not being with Jim and very much not having a way to help. He busied himself with changing and rewiring the coils with new, updated ones donated from Sana Kor, a corporation much invested in the Vulcan's attempt at rebuilding, he had to rewire certain currents and worked with five others making sure they knew the new specifications. Sana Kor had been selfless in their donations, to the point where many Vulcans wondered why they would be gifting so much without any indications of wanting anything in return.

When Spock was done, he greeted the other Vulcans, all of them looked only slightly better since he'd been here last. They were healing, slowly, painfully but many Vulcans were learning how live without their true home, without their loved ones. Jim, Spock knew would know what that felt like. Even though Jim had Earth, he never once called it home. The only place Spock had seen Jim relax was in his own ship and mostly, he only let his guard down inside his own quarters. It made Spock curious as to Jim's childhood, he spoke so softly of Spock's mother and yet Spock had never heard him speak of his own family. He only knew of Winona's accomplishments on Star Fleet, her refusal to become a captain in her own right. But anything indicating her as a mother wasn't accessible besides both sons birth dates.

Spock found himself outside of their healing temple once his work was completed. It was the most extravagant building they had, ornate in a way no true Vulcan building had been. Vulcans were still carving into it, making it ascetically pleasing. He assumed the logical reason would be they needed to be at a halfway point. Some Vulcans wanted to remember every detail of their home-world, others wanted something completely different and new. This then, both ornate and systematic on the inside would be a compromise. Spock stepped in and asked for James Kirk. He sat on the floor outside a great room where trances and meditation was completed, frowning.

 _What could be wrong with Jim's mind?_ Sarek came upon him almost immediately, looking surprised to see him. He showed a glimpse of amusement and concern. “You are loyal to Jim to be waiting for him here.” Spock answered truthfully, “I merely want to know if he is alright. And what happened that he needs healers to treat him.” Sarek nodded, his hands laced behind his back. “This temple is very busy, it hasn't slowed down in the past two years.” Spock watched as several Vulcans passed them and nodded in agreement. Sarek sat down beside him and asked, “You did not frequent here often. Do you not need help to process any memories?”

Spock looked down and shook his head. “Since coming aboard the Enterprise I have faced many 'close calls'. I find I have made more progress in the past year by myself than I would have here in twice the amount of time.” Sarek nodded and said, “It was not a regrettable choice to join Star Fleet. Jim is a surprising adequate leader and has exception skills in helping those around him.” Spock looked at his father and replied calmly, “Jim is more than adequate,” right before the door opened and Saros came out.

He didn't look surprised to see them there and said, “Jim will need to stay here for a few days. I apologize if this intervenes with any Fleet missions. It is mandatory.” Spock nodded, his worry spiking and he got his comm to pass along the message, knowing the crew would not take this well.

* * *

 

Three days later, Spock was mediating his frustration away. Trying to, at least, he was not entirely successful as Nyota woke him from his trance to quietly tell him breakfast was ready. In the past two days, the Alpha crew had abandoned orders and had beamed down to see Jim. The Captain was awake now and staying with Saros in his house, and he refused to tell any of them what was wrong. It had lead to a heated argument with Leonard and Jim, only stopped by Saros who glared particularly well at the doctor. “Jim is not at liberty to discuss this with you. It does not affect your treatments of him and you cannot do anything for him at this point. I hold Jim's state of being as high as you, I will warn you of his health when there is something that you can help with.”

Spock had felt a wave of anger, at Jim and at Saros, even his father knew some information. He was Vulcan, this was obviously something either emotionally compromising or telepathical, Spock could not connect them however, and the fact that another version of him knew and Jim did not trust him with it, made him angry. Spock was silent during breakfast with Jim and Saros. Everyone was quiet, until Jim sighed and said, “Guys, I'm okay. I'm really okay. I had a minor accident, Saros helped. So please, please forgive me for getting sick?” Bones glared and slowly took a bite of his soup. But the rest reluctantly gave in and nodded. Pavel relaxed and asked, “Are you all better now?” Jim hesitated, giving them all the answer and he replied slowly, “I...I might have to come back here, every now and then. So it might be good we're staying close to Terra. I will be fine. It'll just take a bit.”

Bones made a argumentative sound and continued eating his soup while Spock shared a look with Jim. He looked pleading and most importantly he looked genuine. Finally, very slowly Spock gave Jim a slight nod and he visibly relaxed, smiling slightly back at him.

It was only when they were prepared to leave, that Spock's very low shields finally crumbled. His anger took over when he saw his own counterpart in public performing a meld with Jim. Jim had completed treatments last night, there was no logical reason for such action, except to verify a closeness that was not only disturbing but also highly public. Spock moved without noticing until he was standing right in front of the other two and he spoke more harshly than he intended.

“Enough.”

Jim jumped and winced while Saros looked at him just as sharply. “Your display is highly inappropriate, as you very well know, it is an insult to Vulcan culture.” Jim gaped at him and said, “Excuse me?” “Next time we arrive here, I expect this procedure to be away from public view.” Saros raised a brow and replied, “You have an objection with my melding with Jim or just the placement of where it is that I imitate such a 'procedure'.”

Spock felt his whole body tighten at the long drawl of the word. Speaking to Saros, never a light experience, made him that much angrier and he replied, “What is the purpose behind such a meld when you have already guaranteed us Jim's recovery, if temporarily as I assume it is?” Jim winced and looked like he was about to interrupt looking angry as well. “That is of no concern of yours Spock. I suggest that you keep such thoughts to yourself in the future.”

“Hey, now.” Jim tried but Spock spoke back. “Do you plan on bonding to Saros?” Spock asked Jim, sharply. Jim blinked, surprised and said, “What?” “The only other purpose of melding, not for emergencies or healing, is intimacy. Do you plan on bonding with my counterpart?” Jim winced at his tone and said, “No. No, we don't plan on that. I have no plans on being bonded to a Vulcan in any future from now.” Jim looked at Saros and it made him snap, “It would be best if you didn't. We should leave before Doctor McCoy starts worrying again.”

Spock would need to meditate immediately upon his arrival. This entire trip had been grating on his shields. “Excuse me?” Jim asked again, this time without emotion. Spock turned to look at him and stilled. Jim continued, “Why would it be best if I didn't bond?” Spock stilled at such a tone but he continued less angrily and more factually, “As my father demonstrated before me, bonding with a human is considerable difficult.” “Says the Vulcan with a human intended,” Jim snapped back. And Spock raised a surprised brow and said, “Perhaps it is not the human race as a whole rather the individual candidate.” He saw Jim tense and Saros spoke up saying harshly, “Enough.” It was the same angry tone he had just used and Jim's eyes flashed.

“You're saying that I wouldn't make a good bondmate. Me. Personally.” Spock was now confused and he replied with the only information he had. “As your past experiences with relationships indicate the likelihood of you being able to sustain a monogamous relationship for the rest of Ambassador Saros' lifetime is only at a 28.87 percent, you do not have the qualifications to be considered a reliable bondmate. Since, as you say, you are not wishing to bond, I insist that you stop any flamboyant displays in the future.”

“Spock!” Saros said sharply, ending his sentence bluntly. Though he had spoken only a truth it made Jim gap at him and his eyes were wide. Spock went over his statement and did not think he indicated anything that either man did not know for themselves. Jim took in a deep breath and Saros immediately went to his side, saying quietly, “Jim, he did not mean that. You must not take that seriously.” Spock kept himself from replying that he did mean that, seeing Jim step back from both of them. “I've got to go. Ship needs me. Saros, Mr. Spock.”

Jim walked quickly away and he was left with Saros glaring at him. He spoke tensely, harshly and yet did not raise his voice. “How dare you Spock. That was not only unnecessary, it was cruel. You had no right to say such things to James, no matter your own emotional compromise made by him. You know he came here for recovery and peace, not to be demeaned by someone he trusts to see him respectfully. The fact that you let your jealousy consume you to the point where you would harm your relationship with him is proof that the one who needs to repress public displays of emotion is _you_.” Spock kept his voice level, his eyes were dark and cold, “You imply that I have romantic attachments to Jim. This is un-”

“I know you do not see him in such a matter. I am aware of that. You are jealous in the same way that Doctor McCoy is jealous of me. I am the one he confides in and it isn't you. I am not and will never bond to another James T. Kirk. I have survived one hundred and three years without my mate. I have lived fifty times more than what few years we have had together. I loved him with my very being, but your captain is not my mate nor do I confuse the two. Do not ever interfere with our relationship again, Spock, it is not any of your concern.”

Before he walked away Saros paused and said, “You will have a lot to apologize for, and while he may end up forgiving you with time. Jim will not forget what you said.”

* * *

 

Jim ended up curled up on his bed. He listened to the news in a daze. His head was feeling tones better except for the voice in his head echoing. He only snapped out of it when he heard screaming.

He jumped up, only to realize it was coming from his holovid. “Here at the Federation Conference on Star Base Seven, we are under attack.” There was running, panic and explosions were going off. The reporter, an extremely professional Andorian led the way out towards the windows, a total no-no is that situation, trying to get a glimpse of the craft attacking them. “Here...gathered,” she went on, panting, “are some of the galaxies most renown scientists and candidates for future positions for Ambassadors. Present right now is the son of King Hal'lu'ri.” The camera turned to see body guards racing towards what used to be the shuttle bay, which promptly exploded, sending them and the prince to the ground.

“Oh my god.” The reporter said, breaking out of her job. She then said, “Here, over here,” to the cam devices and they hovered over smoking rumble towards a vantage point. The ship was large, sleek and had more photons pointed the Star Base then Jim had seen since Marcus. The name could clearly be seen.

She screamed out, “It's the Crucible, it's the Crucible!” right before a photon hit, blasting loudly and the screen going black. A few seconds later a pale human male came on, speechless.

Jim called out, “Holovid, off.” The screen disappeared and Jim laid back down. His mind blessedly blank.


	4. Guilty Pressure

Maybe Jim was overreacting. He couldn't help it. When he was hurt, he just shut down. He doesn't want to lash out so he doesn't speak. Instead, Jim spends his days harassing Bones and trying to make up for not being able to tell him about Tevik. He's tried, he really has, but it's all tied up with Tarsus and then what he did later on, how the hell was he going to explain Reklor? It was too long, it was too painful. Every time he opened his mouth to say the words, 'I was bonded once' he couldn't get it out. Bones wouldn't completely understand but Jim knew he wouldn't judge, Bones was a safety zone. Except maybe he would judge Sorren Hart. After all, Sorren did kill hundreds of children. Jim winced at that memory and then pushed it away.

“So, I'm all good right?” Jim asked smiling as he sat through his examination quietly. “Yeah, you're good. But you have to be careful with your back, you could still get an infection.” Jim had burned himself working inside a panel, it was pretty deep and large, although since he was still on thin ice he swore he wouldn't complain about any treatment Bones put him under.

“So,” Bones said and Jim leaned back in his chair. “You still giving Spock the silent treatment?”

Jim was shocked. He acted completely professional around Spock, he was a good captain, they were not in a fight. “What do you mean?” Bones gave him a look and said, “C'mon kid, you used to hang from the Vulcan's shoulder, literally. Now it's all Mr. Spock this and Mr. Spock that and you don't go a foot into his personal space. Everyone's noticed. And the fact that he looks at you all...well...” Now Bones looked awkward and continued slowly, “...it's more like a Vulcan puppy expression, really. The most expression I've seen since...well...you know.” Since Jim died.

Jim sighed and leaned back his head feeling only a tad bit guilty. “What happened?” Giving in after the last three weeks, Jim said, “He called me a whore.” Bones choked on his drink and said, “What?” Jim shrugged, replying tiredly, “In not so many words but the meaning was the same.” Bones leaned forward and Jim tried to hide his still hurt feelings over it. Unsuccessfully, with the look that Bones was giving him. “You must have misunderstood him, Jim. That Vulcan respects you unlike anyone else on this ship, well maybe not Nyota but everyone in a friend category. Hell, I don't think he has actual friends besides you. We're all co-workers to that hobgoblin. You don't hear the way he talks about you or stays by your damned bedside when your injured.” Jim shook his head and said, “No, he said it. And he meant it. No mistake there. I shouldn't take it that personally, I mean he's a Vulcan, anyone who has slept with more than two people are crazy sexual.” Bones shook his head, replying, “He's not like that. He's around humans enough to know that the norm is different. Nyota for sure wasn't exactly virginal when she met him.”

Jim felt slightly better after that and nodded. He did say night earlier than what he used to, a half an hour after their conversation. He loved talking to Bones, it always made him feel better but he also needed to prepare for his meeting with Jenna in a few days. They were headed back to Earth once more, this time for something he dreaded doing.

Spock stopped him just outside his door. He hadn't heard the Vulcan approach though if Spock was concentrating on being stealthy, no human would be able to. “Jim, might I have a word with you?” Jim sighed and went through all the documents he still needed to read, the three comm conversations he had to place and the check in with Sarek. “Not right now Mr. Spock. I'm preoccupied at the moment.” Spock opened his mouth to reply but Jim was already stepping inside. He heard his name before the doors shut and he took a deep breath.

* * *

 

Spock felt a pit in his stomach that he could not get rid of. Nyota tried to reassure him though he did not say what occurred between Jim and himself. He did not know how to work around this problem. He had meditated for nights on their conversation and had come to conclusion that he terribly insulted Jim unintentionally. He was so angry with himself, he accidentally snapped two of his telescopes as well as snapped at three cadets in the last week. The entire science crew were giving him less than subtle glances and avoiding him. It had been a month and Jim had to yet to speak to him outside of any professional engagement besides telling him he couldn't speak.

Spock bowed his head to the floor and wished desperately his mother was still alive. She would know what course of action to take in this instance. He could not work in these conditions, he found he spent over twenty-five percent of his mind thinking about Jim and when to most efficiently speak with him. It was taxing, especially since that percentage was when he had meditated the whole night and was constantly repressing his thoughts, which included a further eight percent of concentration. Spock finally found his chance before they beamed down to San Francisco.

“Jim.”

Jim turned, a good sign since at first he refused to do so. His brows drew down and he frowned as he said, “C'mon. Let's get this over with.” Spock felt a wave of nervousness and he had a difficult time getting rid of it as they walked to a close conference room. Jim engaged the lock and nodded to the chairs, he then sat heavily and swiped his hands across his face. “I'm sorry.” He mumbled and Spock sat down, his heart working slightly more than usual, Spock concentrated three point two percent to slow it to it's normal pace.

“Why are you apologizing? It is I that owes you an apology.” Jim nodded and let his hands fall. “You do. But so do I. I've been an ass for a month.” Jim let out a deep breath and looked away from him. “Listen, what you said, it was uncalled for.” He looked at him and Spock saw the seriousness of his expression. “It was so far bellow the belt I don't know what I did to deserve that. I sleep around, I enjoy sex. I really enjoy sex now and I'm sure as fuck not going to apologize for that. Never. But just because I've never been in a relationship doesn't mean I can't ever be in one. I have chosen not to, with good reason. I will continue to chose not to be a relationship and if you have a problem with how I conduct myself in my personal life than...” Jim stopped, the seriousness and the sadness showed painfully on his face, “Spock. I know you're Vulcan, I know you see things in a different way, but if you...”

Jim clench his jaw and Spock sat forward ready to speak only to be cut off. “If you see me as something less, Spock, I can't work with you. I'm not lesser or something to be pitied because I'll never have some amazingly bonded experience.”

“Jim. Stop.”

Jim voice, wavering with emotion now stopped and he looked at Spock directly. Spock took a deep breath, surprised by how much he found himself hurting. He tried his best to repress it and yet, like only three times before an echo remained. “Jim, I did not in any way mean any of that.” Without meaning to Spock reach forward and stopped himself from wincing as Jim flinched under his touch on his sleeve. “I was irrationally angry. My shields were not properly in place and I acted without regard and I apologize for such behaviour. I...” Spock looked down and took a deep breath as he said when he'd been feeling for the past several months, “I find myself at odds with my counterpart.”

Jim looked surprised at that and waited patiently for Spock to continue. “I do not understand how he knows so much of your life, how you trust him with your well being, while I, essentially the same person, do not get the same regard. You do not confide in me and I find I am...jealous of your trust in him.” Jim rubbed his face again, this time with one arm, the one Spock's hand was not on. “Spock. Aw, fuck. You two are not the same person.”

Spock looked up and Jim tiredly looked back at him, “I see you two as two different people. Still Spock, I mean, I see him as Spock but I categorize you two differently. You're...” Jim took a moment to form his thoughts and Spock frowned. “You're more trustworthy. You mean something different to me than he does. Saros, I've been in his head, Spock. You should know what that means, especially to a human. We don't connect like that, so when it happens and I feel this sense of pure emotion, it's overwhelming. He just knows more and truthfully, I'm not going to tell you or Bones or anyone else. I can't, if you can't take that fact, that I am going to hide things from you, you should reconsider our friendship. I don't mean to hurt people, I've talked to Bones multiple times over the years. He doesn't like it but he knows me and what I will say and what I won't. Spock,” Jim said, sitting back and slowly reaching out to touch the top of his hand. Spock was about to move at the intimate contact when he sensed the purpose behind it. Jim wanted his emotions to be read, so Spock let down a few shields and felt Jim's emotions.

“I don't want to lose your friendship. But sometimes, most of the time, I'm gonna push you and I'm going to upset you. I don't do things the logical way. I'm not going to stop anything with Saros, and you're going to have to put up with it. But I want you to know Spock I do trust you, I do respect you and I want you to stay my friend. It's the simple fact that I do trust all of you that I won't tell you. I don't want to lose your respect, whatever degree that might be.”

Spock nodded and sat back as well. They were silent for a little while before Spock said, “I highly doubt you could lose my respect, Jim, I want you to know that. I do not wish to leave, nor our relationship to be severed. I have apologized for my behaviour. You accept my apology?” Jim smiled, sighed and nodded. “Yeah. Mine?” Spock nodded, “I recognize that I deserved such a reaction. Are we...back to normal?”

Jim snorted, chuckling a bit and said, “Sure. Just don't say shit like that again.” “I will not. However, as we are agreeing to terms for future reference, may we speak about your tendency for secrecy at a later date?” Jim was already standing and he looked back at Spock, who stood as well. Jim rolled his eyes and said, “I'm not promising anything. C'mon, Scotty's gonna give us shit for being late for the beam down.”

* * *

 

_Please don't be late, please don't be late._

“I apologize for the time. I was delayed.” Jim sighed in relief as he saw Saros coming towards him. “I thought you were going to miss it.” Jim hugged him, needed closeness right now. His mind was clear but he could feel a pressure in the back. Luckily the last week, his headaches decreased. “How is Spock?” Jim smiled and said, “Better.” Saros raised a brow and said, “That is good. I was growing worried. I can be stubborn.” Jim shook his head and he looked towards the stiff doors, saying absently, “No, it was me this time around. Anyway, what's done is done. Kaidith. We're good. Nyota's happy she has her boyfriend back to normal and I am so not going to go through with this.” Jim felt as if his heart was in his stomach. _Why had he thought this could be a good thing?_

“Jim the Vulcan council needs you to confirm this. As you know, you are the only one who can.” Then it occurred to him and his eyes widened as he turned back to Saros and said, more loudly than he intended, “Oh my god. Your dad's in there, isn't he? Oh fuck. The High Council Representatives are in there. The whole galaxy is going to see this.” Saros did his best to keep his eyes from rolling, he replied carefully. “No matter who is in that auditorium, you will make this speech and you will awe everyone in that building and soon worlds will know you even more than they do now. Jenna has made multiple demands. You cannot back out now with my people having negative ideas about your project. You are successful, Jim. You have achieved what no one before you ever has. Now go.” Saros gave him a little push as the doors opened. 

Jim squared his shoulders and stepped into the darkness.

* * *

 

Spock sat watching as Saros approached their row. He felt a wave of shame and humiliation and allowed himself to experience the emotion for a period of exactly four seconds before he buried it. He greeted Saros politely as the older man did as well. Nyota gave him a look but he turned towards his father and asked, “Do you know what Sana Kor plans to present?” “I have an idea,” his father replied, “although the CEO is a little unpredictable.” Spock raised a brow and asked, “You've met the CEO?” “See that Sulu,” Leonard said, “Own up. He actually does exist.” Sulu scoffed and without being able to debate it any longer, replied with, “What make you think the CEO is male?” Saros moved over as more people came to join their row. “I am saving this seat for Jim,” Spock said and Saros sat down anyway. “Jim,” he said kindly, “will not be coming to sit down with us.”

Spock raised his brow and made sure to push all emotion down. They sat back as the lights dimmed, highlighting the stage and everyone fell silent. Jenna Riley walked onto the stage, Acting CEO she had an impressive resume. Known for her military inventions, Spock wondered if she had armed Marcus' ship with his advanced weaponry. Doctor Marcus, he saw leaned forward. “Good evening, everyone. I am here today to present to you all our longest researched and most highly anticipated experiment. My boss and friend,” Everyone grew more alert at the mention of the secret CEO. Jenna had never before mentioned him or her at a conference. “our own CEO, has for most of his life been interested in the exploration of what the basics of life means. Emotion, will to live, reason, but also the basics of what life needs. Shelter, water, food, as well as...some other things for certain species.” This got a few chuckles. “For now, let's explore hunger.”

Up on the screen showed multiple holos of vegetation. “So far during our exploration of the galaxy we have found that all species need food. They digest different kinds, some like the Caitian race only eat meat and other animal products. Others, like the Vulcan and Ch'maynn races are vegetarians. Others,  like the Roylan can eat a spoonful grain twice a day and be completely nourished while the Terra race need multiple, larger meals per day. I can go on, but I think it best if I let our expert on the matter speak for himself. Boss, why don't do share with us all of your hard work?”

Everyone tensed as a man walked out from the wings and into view. “Fuck.” He heard Pavel say. Spock held in a sigh and sat back in his chair. “Good evening. Thank you Jenna for that introduction. I'd like to spend a few moments and properly indroduce myself as I know over the years my absence has been remarked upon. My name is James Tiberius Kirk and I created Sana Kor when I was nineteen, it started as a pet project, something to occupy my time and keep my thoughts focused. By the time I was twenty-one I held five patents. I dreamed of creating better, more efficient machines, devices and tools to help Star Ships and most of what I mastered was in security and safety. I wanted to save lives. We've grown a lot more larger than I ever imagined planning but we've also grown a lot more better as well.”

Bones snorted and whispered, “Yeah, right,” in a doubtful tone. “He planned on taking over world, more likely.”

“The galaxy has for many centuries been trying to cure the one thing that effects us all equally. Hunger.” The holo turned to dead plants, famines across the galaxy. “For many worlds, we have had the ingenious idea to spice our plants. We tried our hardest to make them stronger, last longer, endure more, for the are a multitude of unknowns that can take out our most precious resource. Weather, animals, the landscape, blights and engineered chemicals. We have yet to create with a strain of grain that can survive these attacks, our own powerfully spliced plants still only have a forty-seven percent chance of surviving once planted in the wild. We have yet to invent any plant that can live natively on all known planets without the need of greenhouses.”

Jim paused and said, “Until now.”

The screen showed a picture of a botany laboratory filled with a type of grain. “This is the Taura Vallan grain. Over the past seven years I have had a invested, amazing team of scientists working almost nonstop to perfect these seeds. They have been engineered to survive all known blights, weather and yes, they are edible by every known species. We even had a special Klingon try some. I have samples here today, ready to be tried. Welcome to a galaxy no longer ever having to face starvation again. All strand information is on the PADDs tucked under your chairs.”

“Questions?”

The seeds were passed around and Sulu excitedly investigated them, pulling up the strand information and all the experiments it went under. Spock found himself once more in awe of Jim's brilliance. From this research he failed multiple times, and only barely managed to save a single bundle a few years prior. But the end result was amazing. Spock took a careful bite out of bread handed out and found it tasted quite good. Jim answered all questions as confident as any pure scientist. He made no fumbles, and could divulge the exact reference and quotation.

Finally, his father stood up and Spock looked up from the screen, alert. Jim paused and nodded towards Sarek. “How much would Sana Kor be selling this product for?” From his tone, he knew Jim had not told the Vulcan Council this question and it had been long on his father's mind. Jim smiled knowingly and took a moment to reply, he leaned against his podium casually and spoke conversationally. “This project, while done mostly in Sana Kor labs and with full support backing us, was actually one of mine personally. It was not funded by the corporation nor were any of the staff paid by Sana Kor respectively.” “Shit,” Pavel whispered to Sulu, “how wealthy is he, exactly?”

“Since it is wholly under my control and is mine to sell. I can tell you all that I did this to prevent hunger. I did this for the next planet that is going to suffer thousands to die. Life is not bought, Ambassador Sarek, and I won't make anyone buy it. If there is a planet that is interested in this type of grain, then after thirty days of planning where to plant it and when, my researchers will help you with the best steps forward, for free, with as much to plant as your planets needs and land will permit. However, another full batch will not be ready for another forty-five days. I wanted this news to have some time to settle before everyone jumped without thinking. For now, we as a team,” Jim looked to the side and tilted his head. Five more people came out, three humans, one Vulcan and indeed a Klingon who flinched when people gasped, “We have decided that the priority at the present time would be your planet Sarek. I have had considerable help from the Vulcan Science Academy over the years as well as your Council and of course the addition of V'Lorak,” Jim smiled at the young Vulcan, who nodded in return.

“When I approached the Hugh Council they were reluctant to take on a project with such fathomable failure rate.” People laughed and even Saros huffed. “But they did and after the destruction of your planet, I knew I couldn't quit, especially considering I was so close to solving the last little glitch. I knew it could help in many ways and I wanted most of all to help the future generations of these worlds, mine and not mine, I believe every life does count for something. I've devoted the rest of my life to helping those who need it and I hope you'll take this a gift not from Sana Kor or Star Fleet. But from my race and my home planets, Terra and Zanna Mi.” Spock felt his own father's shock through their bond as the team went back into the wings and brought of wheelbarrows full of sacks of grain and seeds.

Sarek nodded sharply, still shocked and said, “Might this be, I suppose, a trail run for the next forty days?” Jim nodded and smiling he replied, “Well, I know how much Vulcans love a good experiment. The galaxy would love to know the results of it.” Sarek once more nodded, this time he reached out discreetly and touched Saros' shoulder. “I except on behalf of the New Vulcan Council.”

* * *

 

 Saros led them outside through the back. Jim was surrounded by cameras and reporters, they did not try to approach him. Sarek stayed to look after the handling of the newest import onto New Vulcan and soon they were following the older Vulcan to Jim apartment. Everyone was talking, wondering and asking each other questions. Spock's mind was still going over all the information presented.

Finally, as they entered the apartment building, Leonard finally spoke, “You know that explains a lot. In the Academy he was always taking off to meetings. I always thought he was ditching class or playing poker somewhere, I understood, he pushed himself ridiculously hard so I didn't blame him for needed a few hours of down time. But damn, he's not only the CEO of one galaxy's largest corporation, he also invented it. Jim. Our Jim.” “He invented it at nineteen.” Sulu said as Saros let them all in to Jim place.

They all went to the couches and Pavel was nodding saying, “He kind of makes me look less genius-like.” Everyone turned to him as he said, “I'm going to be nineteen in a few weeks. I am amazing at my job, but it's the only thing I am amazing at. Jim, he has no weakness.” “Jim has many weaknesses,” Saros applied as he came back from the kitchen with a bottle of wine, spiced tea, scotch and vodka all on a tray. “It is just that they are not academic. You all pay attention to his intelligence and therefore are blinded by that. Although, I do say, Jim had a most dynamic mind, it is hard to ignore.” Saros passed out much needed drinks and everyone save for himself and Spock downed the first one. Pavel had multiple shots of Vodka before he sat back, sighing.

“I am kind of okay with him being secretive now.” Leonard looked over at Pavel and said curiously, “You are?” He nodded and chewed his lip thoughtfully. “If you really think about Jim, he's capable of learning a little bit about everything. Ve all know that," Pavel paused and everyone nodded, Saros smiled and leaned back into his chair. “Vell, he asked us questions when he doesn't have to and he relies on us when he does have to. He engages us on an intellectual level without making us seem less. I know of three equations that he asked Hikaru three months ago and on that PADD it said he used those exact ones three years ago. He does lie and he does twist out of anything even remotely personal in natural. But he also does a lot of it for other people. For us. At least, from vhat I can think of.” Spock took a moment to analyze that. Jim spoke fluent Vulcan and yet had never spoken it to him before. He thought of Khan and how he said his Klingon was rusty and yet he had a Klingon team member. He did that for Nyota, a risk but also a real life test. He was making them think, making them come to their own conclusions and therefore helping them grow as team members.

But Pavel was also right in the matter than Jim did not know everything. He had seen their Captain completely out of his depth, confused and looking for anyone to tell him any half-answer. He did need them, he hand picked each and every member on their ship. Spock was thankful he felt no more anger, instead he felt one step closer to knowing his friend.

The door opened and Jim stepped inside, looking tired and grumpy. He brightened when he saw the alcohol. “Oh thank god. I hate meetings. Pass me a cup, will you Bones?” Bones complained right away, “Now look here, Jim. I got you on a diet and we're focusing on lowering your alcohol input. You know how hard it is for us to start this whole thing over.” Jim was ignoring him and taking off his tie and suit jacket. Instead, he went for his child voice and replied, “C'mon Bones. I deserve to be rewarded after tonight. I even answered Admiral Brook's questions without calling him a greedy son of a bitch. I deserve alcohol and brownies.” Bones snapped his head in Jim's direction as he went into the kitchen to get himself a glass. “Alright. You can have a glass.” Jim raised his brows as he came into view and Bones continued, “Two glasses then, but no brownies.” Jim grinned and sat down besides Saros. He took a large gulp of his scotch and sighed, leaning back.

“I think tonight went well. How did you guys like it?” Their group was silent until Montgomery shook his head and chuckled. “Your the bloody CEO of Sana Kor. Why the hell didn't you tell us that lad?” Jim looked down and shrugged, saying honestly, “I didn't want that information to change any of your guy's opinion of me. I only came out now because I had to. When I was planning this project I knew it'd be huge. History changing huge. So I knew I couldn't put it in a corporation, I waited until I had complete rights over the seeds and I made sure no one, not even Jenna had any control over the project. I had to move it from Sana Kor to Vulcan and then onto a Space Station several times over the years. I just...I don't know how this going to affect the Admirals. I mean we all have projects but now they also know my involvement with the company and we sell a lot to them. It's going to make it difficult talking to them now.” Spock understood Jim's hesitance as he heard that. The Admirals had long since made their judgements about Jim and though they respected him, they could not have known that Jim would have access to highly important files on future upgrades of their own ships and security all bought, essentially, from Jim, himself. “I do understand.” Spock said simply. Jim looked over at him relieved and grinned. “Thanks.”

Everyone then leaned forward and started asking questions. For once, Jim smiled and instead of avoiding the topic, he answered them as best he could. And this time, no one pushed for more.


	5. The Worst is Yet to Come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry everyone about the slow updating, life is kind of getting in the way of writing right now. My mom got terribly ill and so did I. It wasn't looking good. I'm working for the summer so I'm also busy most days now but I promise this story is going to be finished entirely by August fifth because I leave the country for a month and am not going to leave you guys hanging. So here's the next chapter and I should be posting chapter 6 tomorrow.

Jim frowned confused and tried to figure out where he was. He was hurt, he knew that. A rib was broken, he could tell from the stinging pain and sharpness of his breathing. He shook his head, hard to do since it was heavy and his vision was fuzzy. Red was everywhere and it took him a moment to realize it was blood.

His blood.

He groaned and tried to push himself up, his arm was broken, his body black and blue and his hand. He gulped, his heart leapt and he made himself shut his eyes as best he could with how swollen they were. His hand was managed, the pain only now reaching him since he noticed it. Broken bones made it disfigured and many poked out of his skin. Some of it was burnt and it brought right back the smell of cooking flesh. Jim was about to throw up but heard something familiar, something strange.

Ticking. A clock was near by and he pulled himself together. He needed to know what happened, where he was and what he was going to do to get out.

Jim made himself sit up painfully, his legs were torn open, and he knew from the pool of blood surrounding him, he'd pass out soon. Looking around, he noticed the room was grey, steel and cold. It was also familiar. Jim gulped and found himself in his old room. He knew then that he was going to die and he thought of Bones, of Spock who would look for him and probably kill these fuckers for him. He hoped so. Because this, this is not where he was supposed to be. He knew where he hid his spare PADD and he tried to move towards it but before he could get anywhere, Jim heard a voice calling out, “I don't think you want to move yet. Do it, and I'll put a phaser shot into your head.” Jim felt terror once again and slowly, slowly he looked up.

Tall, broad and dark haired, the man before him was as beautiful as he always promised to be. He was also just as fucking crazy. _How did this happen? How did he get here?_

“What do you say Jimmy, do want to play another one of our games, or are you too weak to have any fun, anymore? Remember Jim, friends are our weakness. And once I'm done destroying you, I'm going to kill all of yours. Starting with your Vulcan.”

Mitchel Gary started laughing as he pointed his phaser at him and Jim bolted up from his nightmare sweating and calling out.

Strong arms wrapped around him and he tried fighting off the attack. Jim started screaming, “I'm going to kill you, you fucking bastard! If you touch h-”

“Jim! Jim! You were having a nightmare. It is fine, everyone is well. Calm down.” Jim was panting, blinking his eyes, he tried to reorient himself. He wasn't on The Crucible, he was at home, in his real apartment and it wasn't Mitchel grabbing onto him but Saros. “Fuck.” Jim sighed, leaning back into the Vulcan's embrace.

“Was it Tevik?” Saros asked gently. Jim shook his head and panting, said, “Surprisingly, no... Mitch, actually. I've been watching too much news channels.” Saros frowned and said, “He is not your responsibility to fix. You are not the cause of The Crucible's attacks. Nor do you even know that Mitchel Gary is still the captain. He could have perished over the years, or been marooned.” Jim sat forward on the edge of the bed and looked back at a worried Saros. “I know he's the captain and I know he's to blame for everything happening right now. But you also know, I could have helped him more than anyone else that we knew of. I went through the exact same thing as him. Longer and far more worse. I could have helped him and I chose not to.”

Saros looked at him intensely and replied, “Listen to your words Jim. You went through torture, mental torture longer and far worse than Mitchel did. You have not turned into a serial killer. You regret your previous actions so much that you cannot face them. That was your choice, he was also capable of making that same one.” Jim frowned, thinking of his old friend. The same one who wanted to kill him but hadn't then had the backbone to do it.

He would now, Jim knew. He also knew something else.

“I don't think he was capable of choosing, Spock. He wasn't that stubborn.” Jim got up before Saros could comfort him and he walked into the bathroom, trying to wash away the harsh memories.

He did not hear Saros' reply, “He was not as strong.”

* * *

 

Spock wanted to snap at the Admirals but he held himself in check. Jim stood straight and appeared confident, although from Spock's angle he could see the captain clenching his fists together behind his back.

“You can see, now, how your position at Sana Kor can place difficulties upon your Captaincy.”

“Sir, without any disrespect, I am not wholly involved with Sana Kor. Jenna Riley is the Acting CEO and is in charge of day-to-day business. I cannot help what I did before I joined Star Fleet. In all honestly, I do not believe I should be punished for such a situation at all. I am aware of every sale and contract that Sana Kor gives out, yes, but in the six years I've been affiliated with Star Fleet, never once have I mentioned or used any information regarding Sana Kor for personal gain at all. I think my past speaks for itself for any future insecurities.”

Barnett was nodding but Brooks was slightly glaring over at Jim. Spock wanted to speak but since he was not called upon it would not only be unwise but also careless in case he somehow negatively affected the unofficial hearing. It was irrelevant however, since after fifteen minutes Barnett spoke up saying, “I believe we have discussed each concerning members points. Thank you, Captain Kirk, for your input. We do not believe you are a risk to Star Fleet security, Sana Kor does have access to advanced technology but has, as you have proved with your files, never once sold anything that could negatively affect security of Terra or any other Federation planet. You have yourself proven that Sana Kor has no access to any Terra security systems. Therefore, we are willing to allow you back onto The Enterprise without further ado on some conditions.”

Spock saw Jim tense just the slightest, if he had not been so focused he would have missed the gesture. His friend's voice, however, was surprisingly calm and casual. “These conditions would have to be considerate of Sana Kor's regulations and polices but if I am in a position to accommodate you, I shall.”

“It's quite simple Captain Kirk,” Admiral Tanner clarified, “Star Fleet would like to take a tour of your very private premises, with yourself of course. That is all. Is it too much to ask for?” Jim grinned and replied slightly flirtatiously, “Not at all Admiral. It would be my pleasure.”

“On this note,” Admiral Archer called out, very much professional, “Is there anything else you wish to disclose to us, with all present, anything prior to your joining Star Fleet that may directly impact your security clearance or future positions?” Spock felt a flicker of nervousness at his own uncertainty but Jim replied without hesitation. “I have nothing else to say. I thank all of you for being understanding of past situations.”

Everyone nodded, though to Spock's eye, Admiral's Archer and Brooks did look sceptical. Apparently, The Enterprise crew were not the only ones to truly be curious about Jim's mysterious nature. Jim quickly came up to him as they walked out of the conference room. “Thank god that went okay. How do you think it went?” Spock raised a brow at the nervous question and replied quickly, “As the Admiralty have allowed us back aboard The Enterprise and your company has been examined from your documents to be free from any ramifications in the past, I believe the meeting went surprisingly well.”

Jim nodded as they got into the lift and said, “Thanks Spock, for being there. For saying everything that you did. You didn't have to.” Spock nodded and replied honestly, “I wished to be of some service, as I can speak on behalf of The Enterprise crew and could provide them with your character merits, I was only a logical choice to as they say 'stand beside you'.”

Jim grinned brightly at him, restricted in his suit, he reached over not for Spock's shoulder but for his back and he kept his arm there as they walked out into the foyer. “You know Spock,” Jim said still smiling, “You are really my favourite person. C'mon let's meet the group, Bones must be dying to know what happened.”

Spock dutifully ignored the stares people gave him, seeing James Kirk wrapped around him in public.

* * *

 

Jim tried to tighten his tie but he was all thumbs. His nervousness was starting to make him jumpy outwardly, it had been a long time since he portrayed such weaknesses. Saros sighed, already dressed and presentable for tonight. Jim tried not to snap at him but it must have showed in his expression since Saros quickly came over and brushed his hands away.

Just then the doorbell went off and Jim, without thinking, said, “Enter.” Oh, crap.

The group who were supposed to meet them outside the building all walked in and then froze at what must have been considered an intimate moment. Jim tried not to blush but he knew Saros was picking up his emotions since his fingers brushed his neck as he carefully tied Jim's tie. “Hey, you lot all ready?” Jim asked trying to dismiss the awkward moment and also trying to sound more relaxed.

“Yup.” said Sulu who, if Jim looked properly at him (he couldn't from that angle) would have seen the man smirking at him. Once Saros was finished he lowered Jim collar and smoothed out his jacket, sending waves of both amusement and reassurance. “I believe we are now all set. Does anyone need anything?” Saros asked their crew. It was only then as Jim turned and saw Sarek that he really had to work on not blushing insanely. He had a feeling he failed astoundingly. “No,” Spock said, his posture slightly straighter, “I believe we should leave within the next five point three minutes in order to arrive on time.” Saros nodded and Jim tried to ignore the slight tension.

They arrived perfectly on time and soon were surrounded by cameras and people.

“Captain kirk, was it your intention to keep your name out of Sana Kor?”

“Captain Kirk, how do you feel about your position becoming public?” On and on the questions came and Jim excused himself each time, until Spock urged him to say a few short sentences to get them to stop being so persistent.

Jim was beginning to relax once everyone moved on from the initial excitement. He gravitated towards Saros frequently allowing his careful brush of fingers to project calm into him. His head was still hurting for the last couple of days but Saros had issued a no-meld-week to make Jim better equipped dealing with being away from healing treatments. He ended up talking to Admiral Barnett longer than he intended and needed to excuse himself to find where Saros had wandered off to.

Jim noticed Spock glancing at him and he waited for the Vulcan to approach him. “You are taking your new celebrity status far better than I had predicted.” Jim snorted and smiled, replying, “I'm taking this better than I predicted. Besides, if I make a scene, Jenna's going to have my balls on a skewer.” Spock and he both glanced at Jenna, looking radiate in a white dress and odd combat boots, speaking with several diplomats. “You have yet to officially introduce us to Miss. Riley. Will you being doing so?” Jim looked at Spock to see only a curious expression.

Jim narrowed his eyes thoughtfully and quickly came up with a real good reason not to do that. “Nope. I think Miss. Riley's not exactly a team player. She get's jealous of my other adopted family members. Besides, I think she'd actually get on your nerves.” Spock nodded respectfully.

“When do you think the Admiralty will let us go into space?” Jim asked and Spock gave him a very pointed eyebrow expression, Jim quickly replied, “I know, I know we got to come here but Zanna Mi doesn't count, especially since the Admiralty came with us. They need to let me do my real day-to-day job and get us out into the stars. It's been almost two weeks already, you think it'd blow over by now.” Jim ignored the subtle expression Spock did not show him that conveyed his aggravation.

“I do believe, Jim, that my father wishes a word with you.” Spock said changing the subject, glancing away from him. Jim immediately tensed and straightened as Sarek approached looking highly professional. “Captain Kirk, I wish to thank you for including The Vulcan Council into your tour tomorrow afternoon, as well as updating you onto our status with the new Taura Valla grain. We have planted them within greenhouse five and expect results within the month. Would you like to be updated personally or shall Varen contact Miss Riley?”

Good question.

Jim glanced over at Jenna who was narrowing her eyes at him. He gave her a grin and said, “Oh, I think Miss Riley would be available to you. She can then contact me with any results when I'm free.” Sarek nodded and asked, “Spock, might I have a word with you in private?” Spock nodded though he looked hesitate to leave. Jim nodded back to him and once alone started to once again look for Saros.

 _Where the hell could that Vulcan have run off to_? Jim ended up finding him outside of the great ballroom, Saros was standing on the balcony over looking a back courtyard. Jim quietly approached and leaned against the stone railing. “What are you doing out here?” He asked interested. Saros finally looked at him and smiled sadly. “I thought I would take a moment to take in the sights. I have not been on Zanna Mi for over a hundred years. It is much different here.” Jim was surprised, then again, Saros never really talked about his past. At all.

“Did he take you here?”

 _Did the other me have connections to this place too_? Jim wanted to ask but he never did. He didn't like seeing the depth of Saros sadness show in his eyes whenever Jim had a question. And most of the time he didn't like hearing the answers to those questions anyway. “Yes. Once.” Jim nodded not expecting anymore. “Sometimes...” Jim looked over to see Saros looking up into the night sky. He waited, quietly, intently focused on the older Vulcan. His expression was more Vulcan-like than Jim had seen in awhile. More closed and yet more pleasant as well. Saros wasn't tense or wanting Jim to stop pushing his buttons. He seemed in that moment, at least to Jim, to be the perfect balance of Vulcan and human.

“Sometimes, Jim, I do miss being up there with you. I miss those curved walls, the cool circulating air. I miss the excitement and the worry. But most of all... I miss the sense of family I had.” Saros looked back at him and smiled his eyes once more warming when they concentrated on him. “I still remember Sulu's concentrated attempts at trying to interest my focuses on botany, Mr. Scott and our long conversations on which theories should be applied to post-transwarp beaming after a breech of the core activators, a situation I'll have you know never came into being. I also like to recall Doctor McCoy and our,” Saros tilted his head and smiled this time more to himself, “rather...heated debates on the best set course of action. Everyone aboard that ship had been great companions in my life. I learned much from them. The enterprise was my first true home and since I came here to this reality, I have yet to...settle in.”

Now Saros frowned and turned his gaze once more to the sky. Jim huffed and looked out into the light up courtyard and beyond. “I'm sorry.” Saros turned his gaze back to Jim and he replied, “I'm sorry that you had to experience all our deaths.” Saros nodded and then replied, “It is none fault of your own I can assure you. I am Vulcan it is only natural.” Jim nodded and turned around, this time his mind focused on a younger Vulcan he knew.

“How is your mind?” Jim snorted and said, “Been better, though, I've been worse too.” Saros didn't look at him but Jim didn't have to see his face to hear the muted worry etched in his friends tone. “You are going to need to open yourself up Jim. You can only start to truly heal once you put your past behind you.”

“T'Pau says there no healing for me, Spock.” Jim said calmly, accepting the fact. The Vulcan looked sharply at him, when Jim called him by his true name. “I'm damaged goods. Beyond repair.”

Saros lifted a brow, a challenging one, and he said, “When does James T. Kirk take no for an answer?” Jim smiled and laughed.

“I feel...” Jim hesitated and bit his lip. He wanted...well he more craved something he knew he wasn't ever going to get. Wouldn't really allow himself to consider it. “You wish to bond.” Saros finished for him and Jim immediately tensed.

“It is only natural. I experienced the same crushing need when my mate died. Your road is going to be long and hard, Jim, but I do believe that you will recover. Not completely, not the way you wish, but it will become easier with time. You merely have to have patience.” Jim snorted and replied, “That's something we both know I don't have when it comes to my mind.”

Saros was about to speak when a huge blast rocked the conference.

Jim's instincts kicked in and he wrapped his arms around Saros and dropped to the ground. Sirens were going off and the floor beneath them was still rumbling, shaking under the weight of what must have been a bomb of some sort.

Heart racing, both Jim and Saros immediately got up and raced back into the ballroom. The ceiling above them had crashed inwards, people were screaming and a fire had broken out where parts of rumble had crushed the control panels to one side of the room. No one, Jim saw was making their way to the exits. He soon saw why and he held completely still, transfixed by the sight.

Phaser blasts went off in quick, precise succession and soon guards fell before anyone could react. This had been planned, calculated and Jim saw it was going off without a hitch. He moved before he could think and ran straight to an undamaged control panel for the presentation on the Sana Kor exhibit. He hacked it within seconds and tried to contact the outside fleet on Zanna Mi, remembering their pass-codes from years previously.

Before he could finish everything, he heard Spock yell and then his console exploded from a shot of a phaser. Jim flew back, blinded momentarily, the heat searing into his chest. He landed hard and gasped. Saros was beside him quickly and Jim tried hearing what he was saying, but the ringing in his ears was taking over all sound. He remembered this sensation, he had felt it more than once and wondered if he finally lost his hearing to the loud blast. He blinked, trying to orient himself and squeezed Saros' hand for something to concentrate on. It took longer than he wanted to admit to finally sit up and look at everyone.

The ringing wasn't fully blocking out sound, he was thankful for that, but sound itself was still morphed, slow and deeper than he knew logically it should be. Everyone was crouched down and Jim could feel the tension and the fear across the room. There weren't any more shots being fired, but he knew from the bodies on the floor that many important people were dying in this crowd. And there were quite a few members of society here. Jim looked frantically for Spock and found him crouching next to his father who had a hand on his son's shoulder.

Scotty, Sulu and Nyota were together, the latter looking singed from the fire just behind them. He couldn't find Pavel in the crowd and saw two Admirals face down in pools of blood.

It was Mitch who drew his attention. Mitch who was looking right at him and smiling. Jim counted thirty-two Crucible members. He knew there'd be at least seven more hidden in with the crowd, undercover and wondered which journalist he spoke to was one of them. He had gotten sloppy, he'd gotten soft and clenched his jaw at his own mistakes. This thought, he knew, was revealed in his expression because Mitch grin widened as he walked over to him. His ears finally, barely, clearing up caught onto his words. “Jimmy, Jimmy Jimmy. You're getting old. I thought for sure you'd see this one coming.”

Everyone in the room turned their attention to the two men, Saros himself stood and Jim immediately stood with him to not get the stupid Vulcan shot. “What is it that you wish for Mr. Gary?” Saros spoke, calmly and clearly. Mitch tilted his head and then grin wickedly. “Well, well, well. Jimmy, you got yourself a new Vulcan? He's a bit old don't you think, though, I suppose he's your type, isn't he?” Mitch swung around his modified phaser and turned to him.

Jim took a deep breath and said, “What do you want? And if you say something boring like killing us all, I'm going to kick your ass again.” Mitch laughed loudly causing some in the crowd to flinch and gasp. A few moans sounded in the silence that followed, Jim saw in the corner of his eye, Bones attending to someone.

“I'll tell you what Jimmy, if you give me the codes you have up in that little head of yours, I'll let these people go unharmed.” Mitch tossed him a PADD and Jim quickly caught it, saw that it was a security network and saw the controls for over eight hundred modified, newly built, photon torpedoes. This was classified, Terran and was in control of MACCO. Only the top generals had this information, a few selected Admirals, (none of which were present), and of course, Jim.

Fuck.

Jim thought fast and said, “Mitch, you always sucked at making a tactical plan. How's this, you go on your way now and I promise when I hunt you down, I'll kill you quickly.” Mitch smiled and Jim got a shiver down his spine at the glint in Mitch's eyes. They were cold, practically inhuman and empty, the only thing that made Mitch look alive was the pure intelligence anyone could see on him. The lust for pain. This was what Jim had once looked like, and he once more winced at the memory of those dark days.

“Bree!” Mitch snapped loudly, making many wince and jerk. Jim turned and tensed, he heard Nyota gasp. Spock, his first officer, his friend, tensed beside his father who looked like he was ready to show everyone exactly what Vulcan savagery looked like. Bree, a darker woman who looked just as calculating as she held a phaser just out of reach of both Vulcans, it was pointed directly at Spock's heart.

Jim clenched his jaw as he saw Spock turn his gaze to him, silently telling him not to hack into the files.

“So, how about those codes?” Mitch asked smiling widely. Jim looked at Spock's hard expression and as expected, ignored it as he went to access the controls on the PADD.

“Don't,” Saros said harshly behind him.

Mitch turned a fierce gaze over at the elder and then said cheerfully, “Don't you know by now, Ambassador? Jimmy will do anything for those he's loyal to. Trust me, I've seen it.” If glares could kill, Mitch would've been dead from Saros' gaze. As it was, Jim made his way through the layers code, his gut turning and heart racing with each one he unlocked. His hand started to shake as he realized, he had no other plan. He glanced up periodically, looking at the Generals and Admirals around the room. All of them were tense. In the middle of his hacking, a few soldiers tried to move, the moment they did a few Crucible members came out of the crowd, five, Jim counted, just before they killed seven of the men.

“What's the chance of you letting my crew go, Mitch?” Jim asked casually as he leaned against a near pillar. He glanced up to see that same smirk on Mitch's face that they used to share.

 _None_ , that expression said, and Jim knew it. He nodded and sighed, “You know, you really need to start seeing the little things, Mitch. It's the little things people miss, those details in a real great plan that make or break you. You've created a legend around The Crucible, a terror ship, the terror ship of the galaxy. But you're so...harsh.”

Spock and Sarek were looking confusingly and intently at him, as well as everyone else in the crowd. Saros merely tried to arrange his body as carefully as he could in front of him. Jim wouldn't allow it and just as casually he walked slightly away from the Vulcan and everyone's gaze fell to him. Mitch aimed the phaser at him, knowing him as well as he did, Jim knew he'd pull it soon.

“A true legend, a true killer doesn't make a bang. There's no camera or need for attention, that for some reason you keep on seeking out, like a two year old. No, this is where we always differed, me and you. I'm happy in the shadows, I'm happy pulling the strings without anyone knowing. No name, no country, no planet, no crew. But I've also grown, unlike you, I'm just as happy now, arguably more so. Because there's these situations, Mitch, and I know you've come across them in your time travelling around space, where needing a crew, having that someone you'd give up every clearance for, you'd destroy an entire planet for, rip apart the galaxy trying to save. Well, let's just say they come in handy.”

Heart racing, Jim prayed he talked long enough, he distracted to the best of his abilities. And he grinned as he was rewarded with Carol blasting a phaser perfectly at Bree's hand. Spock moved more quickly than any human could and nerve pinched her.

The entire room went up in chaos until Pavel made his appearance by throwing up a modified comm unit into the air. He had been hiding underneath the serving table, Jim saw with relief and amusement. Just like that, with a beeping comm unit being handled by General Johnson, the phasers in the room were all hacked into and jammed as well as every other computerized weapon. The PADD in Jim's hand flickered and now people bolted, the crowd was trying to find exits as The Crucible members started fighting, many killing more important members of Star Fleet and Sana Kor.

Jenna pulled out two daggers from her boots and threw them straight into the chests of Jim's old crew, Hendrix being one of them. Mitch reacted just as fast, only he stared right at Jim and he nodded respectfully, his eyes finally alight.

Just as fast he pointed the phaser and fired, grinning widely.

* * *

 

Spock turned from dispatching a member of The Crucible ship as he heard Jim scream. His heart lurched and he moved to see Jim on the ground. Racing over he stopped seeing Jim wasn't the one harmed, but Saros who had moved to protect Jim judging from the point of entry. Spock knelt, reaching out to his captain but before he could speak, Doctor McCoy came over. His expression serious and professional, he looked over Saros and then turned to seeing a horrified and shaking Jim. “Jim, Jim. Dammit Jim! I got him, you hear me, I got him, I've got a medic pack with me, now go catch that bastard.” Jim apparently finally heard his friend for he looked up and then over towards him, Spock nodded as well and said, “We must move quickly.” Jim followed Spock and he took a moment to find Nyota through the crowd. She was helping with evacuating people, nodding to her, she took in Jim being beside him and nodded back though she did look worried.

Both of them ran through the blasted out hole in the castle wall and quickly ran down the loose rock and debris. He could see The Crucible's captain as well as many members all running towards what must have been exit point to be beamed out. "Jim, they're running towards the bridge." Jim nodded and then he started to run faster, Spock even being half Vulcan had to race to keep even with Jim.

"Mitch!" Jim yelled, seeing that the group had stopped. Spock knew calculating the distance, they were too far behind to catch up. He tried to stop Jim, reaching for him, Jim shrugged away from him, still screaming at the people now dematerializing. 

"I'm going to catch you Mitch! I'm going to kill you!"

Spock finally grabbed Jim who tried fighting him. Breathing heavily both men crouched, Spock didn't let go, afraid Jim would try running again. He didn't know what to say. Jim knew The Crucible's captain, he knew that crew. He hadn't said anything in the past couple of months in which they'd been openly attacking the Federation. Spock also reasoned that Jim must have known Mitch from long before Star Fleet and therefore was a child at the time. It was not something Spock could be angry at Jim for keeping from him.

"Calm down, Jim. I've got you. We'll go after The Crucible later, for now you need to see to your wounds. Come, we need to get you to Doctor McCoy." 

Shaky, Jim stood, Spock could see blood still flowing from one of his ear drums as well as significant burns in his chest. 

Spock's heart pounded at the sight of his friend's condition. As they made their way through the sirens and smoke, the rumble even more black than before, Spock once more experienced a moment of utter shock. His father stood, stiff and silent. He only recognized Spock when they were within arms reach. Spock hadn't seen those eyes as helpless as they were since his mother died. 

Jim gasped, his whole body tensing against Spock's side. "Jim," Spock tried to shift his view but it was impossible. Jim fell to the ground and noticeably trembling, reached for Saros. Doctor McCoy's expression showed his horror and guilt. The doctor glanced at him and Spock had to look away only to be greeted by his father. Jim was silent for a moment as his hand caressed Saros' face.  

Spock clenched his jaw, neither he nor the other crew members knew the true relationship between the two, nor did Spock ever truly expect to know. "He was okay." Doctor McCoy spoke, his voice both trembling and self-berating. "I had the bleeding stopped by some miracle and then..." Spock felt his eyes widen as he turned to his father who looked even more worse.

Saros, for whatever reason, had chosen to die. Spock reached out to his father but soon turned once more to face his own image as Jim gasped and sobbed once before gasping for breath. He saw Leonard reach for a hypo but before he could Jim straightened, smoothed out Saros' bangs and set his shoulders.

When Jim stood, Spock had to once again wonder at how his friend became the man he was, for his face expressed none of his agony that Spock could feel without having to touch him. His eyes took in all of the crew around him, safe ultimately, if a little wounded. Lastly, Jim glanced at Sarek and nodded in mutual grief. 

He left without looking back, without heading to Leonard's call and without once looking at Spock. 


	6. When Atrocities Happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the aftermath of Saros. It'll be in a few chapters since let's face it, Jim is great at pushing things down. He's gonna feel it off and on for awhile

Jim took a moment to just be. He laid lethargically still and tried not to focus on anything but his breathing the pulsing pain in his head. Before he could control it a wave of fury over took him, swallowed quickly by a viscous amount of agony. He couldn't ignore the fact that he was awake and that he was sober. It all came rushing back and Jim tried unsuccessfully to keep his breathing regular.

It took him longer than he'd like to admit to get out of bed and finally get into the shower. Jim hadn't kept track of the days but from the stubble on his cheeks it had been a few. After the scalding water woke him up further, he felt even more compelled to go back to bed. Unfortunately for Jim, he had friends who did care about him. Just as he got out and indeed made his way towards his rumpled bed, his door opened.

Bones followed by the rest of the gang made their way unannounced and uninvited into his apartment. Uhura wrinkled her nose against the dirty place and Bones sighed looking right at him. Jim couldn't take his guilty expression and he soon looked away. “I appreciate your guys' support but I really need to be alone right now.” Jim's voice was rough and broken from days of crying and he surprised himself by being able to make a complete sentence.

“Yeah, too bad,” Pavel said as he moved around a tower made of whiskey bottles. “It's been a week Jim and you can't hide out like this forever.” Everyone nodded and Jim leaned against his floor to ceiling windows as he tried to wrap his mind around his new life. A life without Saros, without a person who knew him so completely. He sighed and straightened his shoulders before he nodded sharply.

He was James T. Kirk, he was the best damned Captain in Star Fleet. He was Sorren Hart and Sorren Hart did not collapse under someone dying, even if that someone was an older Spock. Jim turned and caught Spock's eyes. He was in the back and obviously uncomfortable being here. He tried smiling, failed, and rubbed his tired eyes. “Okay.” Jim said and everyone looked at him.

Jim tried lifting a brow but couldn't and instead just snapped, “What? I said okay. Let me get dressed.” Carol was trying to pick stuff up but Jim shook his head at her and said, “The staff will clean up once I let them. You don't have to touch anything.” Jim moved carefully around the only clean space in the apartment. No one looked at Saros' alter, notably the only clean surface and Spock carefully turned away when Jim opened up his wardrobe to show his clothes and several Vulcan robes that were decidedly not his. He swallowed a lump and blinked several times.

Hurriedly dressed, Jim practically bolted out of the apartment with the gang trailing behind him. Having no patience he took the stairwell and it showed how considerate his friends were being since not one of them complained at all. Forty flights of stairs later, Jim sighed as his muscles loosened and he walked into the foyer. His staff at the desk all nodded solemnly to him and Jim carefully levelled his voice and said, “Tom make sure you clear out the room. Don't touch anything of Vulcan origin.” Tom nodded and replied respectively, “Yes, Sir. We'll have it available to you in an hour.” Jim nodded and put on his sunglasses to stop his eyes from watering anymore than they were.

They found their way to a cafe and Jim felt nauseous at even the idea of food. He hadn't eaten in what had to be three days...or five? Jim hadn't kept count but he also couldn't feel anything other the tightness in his chest and the pounding in his head. “When are we taking off?” Jim asked and everyone looked at each other. Before he could regress and naturally go back to holding onto anger he took a careful breath and calmly said, “Guys. Don't try to tiptoe around me. Never try that, all it does is piss me off. Yes, my friend died, yes, I'm upset and yes, I'd rather not discuss it. But don't try to hold my hand or try to hesitantly 'comfort' me. That shit only makes me mad at you. So, I repeat, when are we leaving Zanna Mi?” Spock was the one to speak, calmly and without remorse. “We are going to be leaving tomorrow morning. The Enterprise will be delivering the Ambassador's body to New Vulcan along with the other Vulcans.” Jim took a second to control his expression and then nodded sharply.

“Okay.” He looked down at his menu and tried once again, not to look over at Spock. Spock was not Saros and Jim was not going to be affected by looking at Spock. He cleared his throat and turned to their waitress who was smilingly and way too happy looking for Jim's taste. “What can I get y'all?” Jim grimaced and called out, “Scotch on the rocks. Ouf.”

Jim winced and turned to deliver a sharp look at Leonard. Leonard who forgot to be guilty and sad, replied, “He'll have a water and a bowl of your Yausi Soup. I'll have one of your steaks with all the trimmings.” Jim glared as the waitress smiled at the much more friendly southerner and Jim glared as the young girl retreated to get him water and everyone's drink's.

“I fucking hate you.” Jim said as he saw his alien vegetable soup. He saw Leonard wince slightly at his harsh tone but his soup looked sickly grey and he needed something strong for his head. He sighed, and picked up his spoon.

* * *

 

 

Jim was trying. He was really trying. He truly did not blame Bones for not being able to save Saros. It wasn't his fault. Jim knew this, he knew it as a fact. Sighing, he looked into the mirror and nodded to himself. His eyes were less red than yesterday and he had eaten something the day before when he ran away to engineering. It was a show of how he must look because none of his crew tried stopping him. He refused to acknowledge that he was once again sleeping in the Jefferies tubes.

Slapping himself lightly to get colour back into his cheeks, he told himself today he was going to look at Spock. He was going to smile and ask him to play an amazing game of something. They were going to talk, they were going to do something together. Two weeks was more than enough time to avoid those eyes, it was more than enough time to see the head tilt in the same way or the way both men pronounced their constants slightly more when they got frustrated.

He had done this many times throughout his life, he reminded himself. This was going to be the same, push it down and focus on what needs to get done. He'd move on. _Quickly_ , he thought to himself and then made his way out of the bathroom and out to alpha shift.

Everyone was quiet on the bridge which wasn't normal since it was Sulu's birthday. Jim reminded himself he made it a point to celebrate birthday's. He smiled and actually managed to keep it and called, “Happy birthday, big guy.” He patted the man's back and said, “How's thirty feeling, are you starting to break apart yet?” He grinned as Sulu finally relaxed and leaned back into his chair.

Jim could actually feel the energy in the room calm down. Spock was looking at him and Jim finally, finally managed to glance over but quickly looked back at his current target. “Haha, very funny. You know you're going to be celebrating a certain birthday in two months, how do you think you'll fair?” Jim rolled his eyes and sat on the console table. Crossing his arms, he did his best to portray a calm and amused appearance. “Please Sulu, just don't try it. I, unlike all of you this year, Pavel not included, will still be fantastically in my twenties. All of you,” he waved his finger around all the members who were smiling at him, “are getting so old. Oh my god, I'm going to be surrounded by a bunch of boring old people. You guys are going to want families and _settle down_ and soon retire off this exciting and amazing ship.” Jim made sure he pronounced the 'settle down' part and he managed to get a few laughs.

Nyota was shaking her head at him and he winked at her. Sulu just leaned farther back in his chair to see Pavel around Jim's body and he said amused, “Pasha, you're going to have to give Jim hell for me in ten years.” Pavel grinned slightly devilishly at Jim and he shook his head, smiling as everyone laughed then.

Jim waved his hands at everyone and said, “Alright, alright, Pavel's got us all beat. I hate you, by the way.” Jim said teasingly and then got up and sat down in his chair, “Everyone get on back to work. Sulu's party isn't until later. By the way, you're going to love my present.”

Jim scrolled down his Sana Kor files and started going through them. He signed off on several new contracts and made sure to completely abort several more. Several businesses he knew were simply making contracts with Sana Kor because his position was made public. “Captain, I have the files you need for our mission to Zanbri.” Jim looked up and froze. Spock was standing next to him, his hand out with a PADD in it. Jim stared for too long, he knew that when he finally shook himself out of it and noticed his crew shifting glances at him.

Shit.

He swallowed and went through the files. They had a mission next week. He loved the fact that he'd be doing something, even if it was only getting a treaty updated. “Thank you Mr. Spock.” Jim passed it back to him and almost winced at the stoic and stiff posture of his first officer. Awkward wasn't even close to what the bridge felt like. He wanted to sigh but he knew everyone was looking at him so he went back to his files until he finally could excuse himself.

“You've got the con, Commander.” Spock looked up and Jim could feel his gaze as he entered the lift. He didn't look back.

Jim was about to enter his floor and hide in his room for a few moments when he froze once more. Sarek was standing in front of the lift. “Captain, I was not expecting you to be off the bridge so early. Are you available to speak with me, presently?”

Jim tried to form words, he wasn't, he was busy, he had something, anything, to do. Nothing came out, instead he automatically nodded. Sitting down in Sarek's private room was awkward. They were silent for a bit after Jim declined tea. He waited for Sarek to pour himself a cup and he desperately wanted the bottle of Andorian Ale under his bed. Scotty had point blank refused to give him anything from their distillery. The one time Jim managed to steal some (actually liking the fact that he was still a great thief) Scotty had gone and ratted him out to Bones and that earned him two hypos.

“I wish to thank you.” Jim's head snapped up at that. “Excuse me?” Sarek nodded, his gaze solemn. “I melded with Saros right before he passed. I have already told Spock, though he seems to be taking this rather differently than us.” Jim frowned and then Sarek tilted his head at him and it seemed the older Vulcan realized something. “Jim, Spock and his counterpart were not as close as we got to him.” Jim looked down, wishing he had a cup pf tea, just to stop his hands from clenching. “You must realize that while we lost a friend and family member, Spock saw himself dying there. My son has always been questioning his Vulcan genetics and how strong they were. His entire makeup is new and therefore unpredictable. Prior to meeting Saros, we did not know whether Spock would age as a Vulcan or as a human.” Jim hadn't even considered that. For him, Spock while being half Vulcan truly didn't allow his human side to show. Jim had always saw him as the Vulcan in Star Fleet. He hadn't even realized he did that.

Sarek nodded, seeing Jim's expression. “Saros was one hundred, sixty-nine. He physically appeared a little older for a true Vulcan. I, myself, am going to be turning one hundred fifteen and as you can observe the the physical difference.” He could. Sarek didn't look past sixty, if even that. He was only slightly grey at the temples and there were only a few wrinkles at his eyes. Vulcans, Jim finally and truly realized, really did age differently. He once more thought of Spock and Sarek nodded, seeing his thoughts projecting on his expression.

“I, too, fear for my son. It was one of the reasons I took so poorly to him joining Star Fleet. There are only fifteen different aliens enlisted that will age at roughly the same pace for Spock. None of those fifteen are on this ship. Nine have not signed up for field work and currently their careers are taking place on Terra. That leaves seven others that Spock may or may not meet in the future. Star Fleet, no matter how progressive, is mostly made of human employees. I believe that is contributed by headquarters being so close to your race.”

Jim nodded. Star Fleet being on Terra did make it easier for humans to get there. “Yeah, it makes a little sense.”

They were quiet again and Sarek finally said, “He wished you to know he apologizes.” Jim swallowed past the lump in his throat and blinked rapidly. “I know, Sarek. I just,” Jim ran his hands through his hair as he looked down, “I've lost a lot of people over the years. I didn't want to let go of another one.” Sarek nodded and replied, “He spoke of you often.” When Jim looked up, he saw it was Sarek now avoiding his gaze, “He was very fond of you and I could not imagine how someone like yourself made such a powerful impact on my son. Yet, you have, on both of them. That is one thing in which I believe Spock does not settle well with. He was not used to being a brother, and how I did and always will see his counterpart as another son.”

Jim saw the pain of that when Sarek turned back to him. His heart clenched, Sarek had lost his wife and a son. Not his son, not one he raised, but the bond had still been there, it had been his son. “Their minds were incredibly alike.” Sarek said softly. He nodded, Jim had never melded with his first officer but he knew their personalities, he knew them.

“What is it that you thanked me for?” Jim asked, curious and yet not knowing if he truly wanted the answer. Sarek looked blatantly back at him and said, “For loving him. And for being the one other person besides myself that will treasure his memory.” Jim clenched his hands, his jaw, his whole body was ridged but it still didn't stop the tears from pouring down his cheeks.

It wasn't until Sarek was seated next to him, his arm around him that Jim leaned into the Vulcan and finally let out all the tears he had held onto for so long. He finally, finally said what he had been thinking for the past year. “I thought, perhaps in some stupid fantasy, he'd bond with me. Even if it was just to help.” It came out choked and stilted but he felt Sarek's arm tighten around him as he heard those words clearly.

Before he finally lost himself to his sobs he heard Sarek quietly say, “As did I.”

* * *

 

Spock tried to stop his stomach from tightening as he and Jim watched his father and three other Vulcan council members beam out with the coffin of his counterpart. He didn't realize how tense he was until they disappeared and his shoulders dropped. He turned to Jim and once more tensed, not knowing if his friend would see him or the one he lost. He hated the fact that Jim wouldn't look at him, wouldn't see _him_.

He was not his counterpart, he had not died. Spock was right beside Jim.

Once more he felt guilt that he was belittling Jim's grief. His anger and concern mixed once more until he knew he'd have to mediate again that night, he had yet to fully sleep in the past fortnight. “Jim,” Jim actually did turn to him and Spock was relieved to know that Jim looked better than he had the past two weeks.

“Would you care to...” Spock did not know how to finish his sentence. He had not gotten this far since Saros had died. Jim usually walked away and now that he was looking at him, Spock's mind refused to work properly. His embarrassing falter made Jim smiled slightly and he finished for Spock, “Do anything together?” Spock nodded and Jim finally gave him a real smile.

“C'mon, I invented our new game, I promised you months ago.” Jim did not pat him on the shoulder, or reach an arm around him, but he did lead Spock to the observatory room where a long table was set up. Apparently, his captain had combined three-d chess with checkers, the Vulcan geth'la'va as well as three more alien strategy games. “So the objective is to capture The Enterprise.” Jim held up his Enterprise salt shaker, that usually sat on his shelf in his quarters. “The king chess pieces move in all directions, checkers only forward, those soaps move backward and down...” When the crew decided to join them, Sulu wearing Pasha's birthday sweater given to him last night. It took eight minutes for Jim to explain the rules, and he repeated them when everyone else looked at the long table and mix-match figurines confusedly.

Spock, however, caught on to the game. “Very well,” he said and Jim looked over at him beaming.

The game took a few moments to get the hang of. Certain pieces could only move on certain boards (there were eight) others only in certain directions and taking each other's pieces was as hard as it was so quickly decided. Jim had a fifteen second timers for how long their turn was and like chess they had to hit the time to start again. After their first game that Jim won, he reduced the timer to eight seconds, barely leaving any time for them to race along the long table.

After half an hour and running along the table and snatching up pieces, with all the crew still not knowing how the game worked (they had now given up, were talking amongst themselves and having a few glasses of Carol's wine) Spock was finally ready to check Jim's rook and take the enterprise figurine. “Got you!” Jim called out, looking as flushed as Spock felt. His heart was racing and his eyes scanned the table only to see his queen had ended up on the fifth board not the third leading Jim to take his console soap that represented his stronghold. “Totally freaking got you! James Kirk five, Spock S'chn T'Gai four! Who's the best strategist here?” Jim called out teasingly, his cheeks pink and eyes more blue than normal. Spock barely had time to register that Jim had pronounced his entire name correctly when Doctor McCoy called out, “So, how the hell did that happen?” Though he did not seem to be entirely interested as Carol asked him a question. Their relationship, Spock knew, was now as humans said 'official' since the night they were attacked.

“Rematch?” He asked Jim and Jim took a moment to think about it. He shook his head and said, “Later. Right now, I need one of those.” Jim reached for a drink only to be slapped away from it by McCoy. Spock watched as Jim and McCoy engaged in one of their silent conversations in which he could not understand. Finally, Jim sighed and sat down tiredly. Once more Spock felt that pressure on his chest come back and he was reminded that all was not as normal as Jim made it seem.

They ended up speaking for another hour before they parted for sleep.

He turned to Nyota once they were alone in the lift (Jim having gone off to the engineering room he supposed to give them 'private time'). “Would you care to spend the night?” For some reason, Spock felt nervous asking his intended for something that was so familiar. He then tried calculating the last time she had spent the night in his quarters. He surprised himself at the knowledge they had not spent any time together in a month and twenty-two days.

It surprised him further, that he had not realized it.

“Not tonight, Spock, I've got to complete a paper that due in the next few days.” Nyota kissed him lightly and walked out of the lift.

He found himself frowning after her.

* * *

 

 

It was almost three weeks later when Jim sat in his bedroom, in his apartment shaking. He was going to do this. This was going to happen, he had planed it, and devoted himself to it. This was something he could come to grips on. It was December fifth, it was an okay date. He knew that. It had been over a month since Saros died and he was finally being, not okay with it, but finally accepting that he had a piece of him. Sarek, his own Spock and the fact that he knew if there was another realm of happiness, Saros was there with his Jim. It still made it hard to get out of bed in morning, still made it hard to know he was completely alone.

But he was getting up and living, he even managed to shave once Spock commented on if he was planning on growing a beard. He was okay, he had planed out Mitch's murder every time before he went to sleep.

It helped.

Now he just had to do this. Only he couldn't move, his whole body was frozen. He didn't know how he was going to do this alone. Then his bell went off again and he couldn't even voice, 'enter'. It didn't matter for Bones came in unannounced anyway. He stopped when he saw Jim, pale-faced and shaking on his couch.

“Hey kid-o.” Bones said as he approached Jim, immediately he wrapped him in his arms and asked, “What's wrong? What happened?”

Jim couldn't even cry, there were no more tears left after Saros died. But he didn't want to do this alone anymore. His mind was blaring at him, showing him all the bodies, making him smell death everywhere. It was horrible and now he was stuck with it forever.

“I can't go. I can't. Please.” Jim managed to whisper. He held onto Bones, his fingers clutched in his suit. Jim didn't realize when the others showed up, following Leonard and all of them worried Jim wouldn't make it to the first public appearance since Saros died. Jim only moved once Spock sat down on his other side. They had not touched since the murder and Jim felt the press of Spock against his side.

“Jim, Jim look at me.” He gasped and manged to move his head to look at Spock. This was the first time, Jim did not have to pretend. There was no forcing himself, there was no more pretending, no more Saros. Jim saw Spock as his Spock, as that hard Vulcan who never hesitated to force him to do something.

Jim loved and hated him for it. Because he turned and faced him, and listened when he said, “You have not to worry. We are all on guard and I will not let anything else happen. We will stick together this evening okay.” Jim eyes watered but he couldn't say it, he never did, how did one say it? Spock frowned and asked, “What else is it?” Jim felt Bones tense under his grip. Everyone surrounded him and Jim only saw Spock, just like that time so long ago, when he died. There was only Spock and everything he represented, safety, friendship, loyalty and that hand reaching out for, trying to hold him just once.

Jim reached out and he was surprised that Spock barely tensed as he grabbed the Vulcan's hand. In his mind, Jim felt the weight of every body, he felt the heat of the sun on his skin, the taste of the dry nuts that formed his energy bars. He saw the minute fraction of Spock's eyes widen. Almost on instinct, Spock took Jim's limp body from a surprised Bones. Huddled into Spock, he felt the difference between the two and he felt the difference between Spock and Saros. Spock tightened his hold on him as he said, “You should have told us this James. We could have made it so that your presence was not needed.” Jim shook his head, cradled in the strong embrace. “I need...I need to go.” _I can face this_ , Jim thought, _I just don't want to go alone_.

He felt the mood change around him, as everyone came to realize this wasn't about losing Saros, not really. This was about Jim and the fact that today he finally became free from part of his past. A past he chose with Saros to give the world. He chose to let go but now he had to face it, and he couldn't. “You're a...” He heard Nyota. You're a survivor. Yes, he was and Tarsus had yet to finish with him.

It was only a few minutes later that he calmed himself, Spock's hand was smoothing along his arm, sending calmness to his body. He only realized that when he shifted and looked up into concerned brown eyes. “I will not let you go alone.”

Jim nodded slowly but completely assured, took a deep breath and said, “I've got something to show you. Pass me my PADD.”

They had a half hour before they were needed to be at the conference. It was enough time to prepare his friends to the reality of what happened to a thirteen year old Jim. He just wouldn't tell them about the last bit. After all, there was a reason why Star Fleet only mentioned Tarsus on two dates, the first being February twenty-seventh when the drought officially began, and December fifth the day that the Alpha groups were chosen.

Sometimes it was just too painful to face the true memories that haunted you.

No one ever mentioned June seventh.


	7. Birthday Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to make a note to you all, first I'm sorry about the slow progress. It's summer time, I'm working part time to save up for my trip in August and I'm lazy. My bad. Second I realized that I put a lot of facial cues and emotions on both Sarek and Spock. I want to say that with Jim's prov, it's all tiny details he's picking up. Spock is slightly more better at expression but not by much (Bones can't read him at all). And Jim knows the minds of Vulcans (he was bonded to one and he can pick that shit up naturally). As for Spock's prov, it's mostly what he's feeling. He's not really frowning, or sighing, merely wishing to or doing so little that humans tend to not notice. I just wanted to clear that bit up.

Jim jumped slightly when he heard his name being called. Seeing Spock approaching, he relaxed and reached out to pat the Vulcan's shoulder to which he put up an eyebrow at. Jim smiled.

They were still getting back on the right footing with each other but it was getting easier over the weeks. “Would you care to join me once we land?” Spock asked curiously. Jim relaxed further and nodded. He liked spending more time with Spock recently, since the crew and all of Star Fleet had found out he had been on Tarsus, they looked at him differently. It wasn't noticeable to others, nor was it a constant gaze. But sometimes Jim could see that flicker of sympathy, or see a moment of one of his friends thinking they understood some part of him that even he wasn't sure was real or not.

It grated on him.

The only other one he didn't mind was Sulu, who hadn't changed a bit, but who was attached to Pavel all the time and he was the worse to get those images of Jim's twisted, inhuman features of out his mind.

Jim sighed as they entered the transporter room seeing that everyone had already left. Spock raised a brow at him and Jim shrugged in return. It was only as they beamed down that Jim frowned and turned to Spock to say, confused, “So this is the third time in a week you've opt to spend your free time with me. Should I be concerned?”

Spock looked back at him just as confused and replied, “I do not understand why you would be.” Jim smiled and replied, “Well usually when a person is in a relationship with someone they tend to spend their available time with their mates. I don't mind, mind you, it's cool.”

Jim stopped walking when he noticed the tension in Spock's shoulders and he frowned, saying, “Spock, are you and Nyota okay? I mean I don't mean to pry or even interfere...dammit, you know sometimes it's weird being both a friend and the boss but I do need to know relationship status' on the ship. Your not like...fighting...are you.” Jim tried not wincing at his statement, he wanted to take it all back immediately, both embarrassed and awkward.

Spock gave him a blank look and Jim tried not to notice it was Spock's tell. “Nyota and I are not currently fighting, as you put it. While I do understand your concerns in view of crew members not being able to complete their duties once their private lives intertwine with their professional responsibilities, know that regardless of our status both Nyota and I are logical and highly professional. I would never allow any private occurrence to affect my duties.”

Jim stopped the smile ready to form. Barely. He nodded and said, “Okay. But you and her are okay, right?”

Spock opened his mouth to reply but then narrowed his eyes and closed his mouth. He looked around at the crowed street and nodded in the direction of a more private park to their right. Jim followed, heart dropping and hid his concern from his expression. They waited until they walked into the park; green and lush with exotic flowers and towering trees, it was one of many dotted around the very modern city. A small stream wound lazily around the park, and small bridges were dotted here and there so that there was a clear path to follow.

“I am not one to speak of private matters.” Spock gave him a worried look but also one of confusion. Jim waited, patiently and leaned against the railing of a bridge, focusing on the sound of the running stream and the sound of distant bees he hoped wouldn't sting him. “I know Spock,” Jim replied when Spock stayed silent, “It's okay. It's me.”

Spock once more looked at him and nodded in return before he said, “It has come to my attention that Nyota and I have not spent as much time together as we used to. I have assumed this is in part of our busy schedule as well as both of us devoting our time to our recent projects.” Jim nodded, relaxing, and said, “It's completely common for people to focus on work. It's very easy to do, especially for people like us.” Spock gave him another confused, 'not expression', and Jim smiled explaining, “People who love what they do and actually find it enjoyable. Some people don't like what they do to earn a living.” Spock looked like he wanted to protest that idea but Jim cut him off, knowing they'd end up in a conversation about the pros and cons about careers and human tendencies that Spock did not understand.

“Anyway, not important. My advice is to simply ask her to spend some time with you.” Spock looked away and Jim wasn't able to see his face when he replied, unemotionally, “I did so.” Jim couldn't help his brows from raising and he asked, “So?” Spock managed to glance at him as he replied, “She declined and is currently having a girl day with Carol and Maxine from Engineering.” Jim nodded his head, more automatically than consciously. He remembered Bones grumbling to Scotty about something before he told Jim they were going to a pub.

“Well, that's okay too.” Jim tried to imagine what it would be like to date someone. He liked to imagine he could have dated Saros. Then he tried imagining a four year relationship and if he were being serious, he couldn't. No one ever wanted to date him and the people he wanted, tended to not even be at all available to the idea. “This is acceptable among human relationships?” Jim really wanted to say he had no idea but he was being supportive. He was being a friend so he took a guess and hoped he was right. “Yeah. I mean in a long term relationship there's going to be times when you become sort of, I don't know... comfortable, I guess. You have to keep each other engaged and you know...keep the...”

Jim moved his hands in a confused gesture and mumbled out, “...passion alive. I guess.”

Jim was not looking at Spock and Spock was staring very much back at him. “You are suggesting that Nyota has grown bored with me and our relationship together.” Jim couldn't help but snap his head back at Spock and gaped at him. Hurriedly, he said, “No. Not what I'm saying.”

Not what he meant to say, anyway.

“Just, you know, four years is a long time to be someone. Again, not bored, just comfortable. I mean I don't even know what your relationship...you know what, let's not go there.” Jim cleared his throat and tried to reword this and save whatever was left of his dignity. “Look, you've got nothing to worry about. I know how much you mean to Nyota and both of you are people who invest everything to matters of importance. Hence, why you two work so well together. Just, you know, spice it up, surprise her. Do something she can't ignore.” Spock raised a brow and tilted his head. Looking thoughtful, he asked, “Do you have any suggestions?”

Jim spoke without meaning to and said, “Sex.” He immediately cringed and cursed his mouth. Spock looked both critical and embarrassed. “You believe intercourse will solve the distance in which we have placed between ourselves?”

“Um...really good sex?”

Now Spock was looking at him like he was an idiot. Jim relied snappish, though not heated. “Well what do you expect? I'm a man, keeping my interest is pretty straight forward here.” Spock nodded and looked like he was holding back a smile. Before he turned his head, Jim definitely spotted a twitch with his lips. “Besides, nothing's too bad. You're a Vulcan, your sex drive is like ten to one to a human. So long as you're doing that and she's interested, you're fine.” Jim stopped when he saw Spock holding back a frown.

Sighing, he stayed silent for awhile before he asked quietly and cringing, really not wanting to know. “When was the last time...you know?” Spock looked like he did not want to answer and instead asked a question, “You believe that a relationship needs constant intercourse to be healthy?” Jim just blinked at Spock and said, “You do know who you're talking to, right?” Spock did not hesitate as he replied, “I know your reputation and I know that it is false. You have not engaged in sexual intercourse with any of the women that proposed to you in the last six months, merely from my observation, including those times we were on Terra. You've spent much of your leave time with Sana Kor or you were with my counterpart before that.”

Jim nodded and said thoughtlessly, “You kinda don't need average sex when you have someone in your mind like that.” He winced and missed the knowing look in Spock's gaze. “Vulcan bonds are much more...simpler.” Spock replied and Jim nodded, totally understanding. “That they are. Welcome to the messiness of humans.” Jim put an arm over Spock's shoulder and said, “You'll be okay, you know. Nyota loves you, just talk. Say it as Vulcan-ish as you want. You want to spend more time together. Logically you wish to know if she feels distance from you or if she simply hasn't noticed. Tell her you want to take her out to dinner tonight. Simple and to the point.” Spock's shoulders eased up under jim's arms and he nodded.

Jim could totally be a therapist.

He grinned and said, “Now why don't we join Bones and Scotty for a nice glass of scotch and Spock...” Jim waited for Spock to look at him knowingly and disagreeably. “You're so having a shot of chocolate milk. No saying no when we're on shore leave. Ship rules.”

He grinned as Spock let out a deep breath.

* * *

 

He felt like his head was about to explode. Taking deep breathes he concentrated on the blonde beneath him. She sighed and moaned perfectly, her pale thighs were clenching around his hips and he nipped at her pulse point making her arch her back, making him push deeper inside her. Her warmth, the need and desire pulsing through him, even his orgasm minutes later, nothing overwhelmed the pain that was making his eyes lose focus. His breathing ragged, he rolled off the unknown girl and she sighed as she curled into him. “You are one fine conquest,” she said with a lush accent. He laughed, but it was humourless and she asked, “Do you want me to bring in the next one or do you want to go again?”

Jim frowned and tried concentrating. “Why don't you tell the next one to join and I'll double your payment?” The woman grinned and pranced to the door, opening it she called out to someone and Jim tried relaxing as she and the Orion woman both grinned at him.

Jim made a mental note to not go so long between his own conquests. It'd been longer than six months, he hadn't noticed he hadn't had sex in over eight months. He had a moment of sadness that he wasn't enjoying himself as he once did right after a healing session but he pushed it away a second later as the two women made their way towards him.

* * *

 

Spock reigned in the instinct to fidget. Once more he found himself nervous around his mate. It was an emotion he did not care for, and not in any way with this situation. Uhura herself was having a difficult time keeping up with conversation. Dressed beautifully in a green dress with her hair in loose curls, Spock found her decidedly alluring tonight.

“Why did you not tell me this sooner?” She finally asked as they paused over their meal. Spock tilted his head and asked, “To which part are you referring?” Uhura sighed and leaned forward though there was no need to be quiet, in the restaurant they were in, they had a private room to themselves. “I'm referring to the part where you were unhappy. I didn't think it was so long since we last were together. I am sorry for not paying better attention but when you first felt that way, you should have told me.”

Spock nodded and relaxed slightly. “As I too, was not paying attention to our absence of attention to each other, I could not inform you. However, I have found it difficult to speak to you recently, you have been, as I already stated, preoccupied.” Uhura nodded and looked down, replying, “Scotty and Carol got me into their plans for their papers and it's been really interesting.” Putting her elbows on the table, Spock saw the familiar look of Uhura concentrating and when she looked slightly taken back he could no longer remain silent.

“What are you thinking about?” Uhura glanced up at him and then forcing a smile, she asked, “Spock...do you remember the last time we were intimate?” Spock tensed and was reminded of what Jim told him just seven hours previously. Currently, Jim had gone sightseeing, though Spock was doubtful that was what he truly meant when he left them at the pub.

Intimacy was important for humans he was reminded, his mother had told him that when he was trying to become Uhura's friend. There was always something strange and unknown when dealing with humans. Growing up, he knew the true intimacy for Vulcans was in bonding to each other. It was ultimate, it was everything. The physical need of humans were their attempts at creating the same emotional depths. Spock logically knew this, though he tended to forget this fact, forget that his mate needed physical attention as well as intellectual. Vulcans, he knew could be very sexual but it did come second to their bond.

Spock swallowed and could not help but think of what it would be like to bond with Uhura. Due to everything that had happened in the last three years, he was frightened of ever having to bond. One of his prominent reasons not to have asked yet.

“You spent the night in my quarters two months and six days ago.”

Uhura looked shocked and then shook her head. Spock watched as emotions crossed his mate's face and tried his best to read them. Finally, she settled on disturbed. “Spock, I think it's a serious problem when we can go two months with having no kind of any personal contact, without even realizing it. It's not just physical, it's the fact that the only thing I can think about you these last two months is what project your working on. I know that much about other crew members. You're my mate and I plan to be with you for the rest of my life but I want us to be together, together. I don't want us to be together because we just are.”

Spock frowned, not understanding the last bit but he was sure that he connected as much as he could. Taking a deep breath, he finally asked, “Are you willing to bond to me, Uhura?” Uhura straightened and blinked at him. It was a serious question, one he had only voiced once before to ask if she would ever in future be open to such a connection. It had be theory back then, now he needed a serious and unwavering answer. If one day Pon Farr came and since his counterpart had fell to the Fever he knew the probability of him getting it was close to one hundred perfect, he needed a mate that was prepared to tie their soul with his.

“Spock, you know I'm in this. I want us to be together for the rest of our lives. But if you asked me today, tomorrow, I'd have to decline.” Spock tensed and she reached out to hold his hand, he felt her sadness, her calm and her love for him. “We're not good right now. We're not bad either but we need to definitely spend more time together and want to spend more time together. Once we're back to normal, I want you to ask me seriously and I'll give you a proper answer.” Spock relaxed and brushed his thumb against the back of her knuckles.

“Very well. Will you agree to spend the next week in my quarters?”

Uhura raised a brow and smirked as she replied, “A whole week, Spock?” Spock looked down, familiar since working with his captain about innuendo. “We need to spend more time together, therefore the logical decision is that we cohabit our spaces.” Uhura grinned, truly and said, “I know Spock. I will very happily, live with you for however long you can stand me.”

He nodded and Uhura moved until she sat in his lap and kissed him. Spock tried to ignore the fact that a waiter could come in any moment as he enjoyed his mate's taste.

* * *

 

Spock found himself nervous as he tracked his captain to the Jefferies as the blonde named them recently. He gave a look over to Uhura and she smiled at him knowingly. He called out to Sulu, “Mr. Sulu, you have the comm. Inform me when we reach New Vulcan air space.” Sulu nodded and replied, “Will do, Commander.” Spock made his way nervously down to engineering and almost immediately ran into Mr. Scott.

The older man shook his head when he saw him and said, “No, no. Sorry Commander but the Captain has stated he doesn't wish to see anyone today. Leonard's already been here and I had to get security to see him back to sickbay.” Spock did not frown though he wished to. “Has the Captain been injured in some way?” Mr. Scott shook his head and said, “Now if he were injured I would have let the doctor through. He's sleeping, and it's the first time he slept more than an hour at a time. He asked me to not let anyone disturb him so that's the way it's gonna be.”

Spock straightened his posture and concentrated on reminding Mr. Scott that he did not have the authority to stop him from seeing Jim. Mr. Scott's eyes went wide and he said, “Right,” before Spock could even start his lecture, “Okay fine, he's in Jefferies three.” Mr. Scott's eyes flickered away from him and he immediately frowned as he called loudly, “Keenser, what the bloody hell are you doing with my PADD? I told you, you can't play with the gravitational controls yet!” He turned to Spock once more, went red and then said, “Well you best be going now.”

Before Spock could move, Scott hurried over to where Keenser was indeed playing with a PADD along with another cadet who was grinning at his yelling officer. Spock ignored the loud conversation and floating tools in the distance and walked over the opening for number three. He was once more reminded of the size of their tunnels, tall enough to stand up in, he made his way left and just down the bend was Jim, though he was not sleeping.

Looking up at Spock, he noticed Jim's eyes were red and Spock quietly sat down next to his friend. “The crew are looking for you.” Jim looked confused and asked, “Did Scotty blow something up?” Spock raised a brow at that and saw Jim had no idea why everyone would be asking for him. “Jim, you are a captain who likes to celebrate your crew's birthdays. Cadet Johnson was entirely surprised when you gave him a gift just last week, especially since he was only transferred three weeks ago. Today is your birthday and yet you do not wish to celebrate it among the same people you make such a big deal about. I do not understand your logic.”

Jim snorted and said, “Spock, my birthday isn't like everyone else's.” Spock nodded and said, “You are referring to the USS Kelvin. The fact that your father died when you were born.” Jim winced and nodded. “Bingo. Birthday boy with daddy issues. My birthday wasn't exactly celebratory growing up.” Jim leaned his head back against the metal and Spock wanted to wince at the noise the contact made.

Spock frowned, concerned and feeling sympathetic, he said, “My mother made a point of celebrating mine. Though we were on Vulcan and my father and I did not understand the logic behind such outdated practices she refused to stop. I kept the fact that my peers would bully me every year for the gifts she gave me. They were usually a practical item, chosen with help from my father. Most of the time they were clothing items, or new PADD's, something for my schooling. The fact of the matter was, most years the present was publicly known and therefore it was known that they had a pattern to be given to me on the day of my birth. That day I would get a gift and the next day at school I usually ended up having to face three to five others that would scorn me for showing such a human custom in public. Though only twice did the encounter result in a physical confrontation.”

Jim was staring at him and Spock stopped, realizing what he just offered to Jim. He had not meant to tell so much of his childhood. Spock stared back as Jim slowly said, “Well, I think I got it better than you. My birthday my mom usually just locked herself in her room and sent me outside to play all day, usually I'd hear her crying at night. I got a cake once, when I was...seven or maybe eight or something. But my Aunt, now she celebrated with me, three birthdays with her before she passed away. And my very first actual birthday was with Amanda and then my second with Bones. Bones and I tend to spend today together.”

Spock nodded, knowing the last part to be true. “Why have you sent him away?” Jim swallowed and took a deep breath as he replied, “I still...I just...I don't know. I guess I just miss Saros right now. I kind of had plans to celebrate with him today. Bastard. It's not that I blame him or anything, Bones that is, I just...I don't feel like seeing anyone.” Jim clenched his jaw and Spock looked away feeling dread once again.

“I see.” Spock replied quietly. That explained why Jim appeared to have been crying before he arrived. “Jim, if I may, I would like give you something.” Jim looked at him surprised and said, “Spock you don't have to, I don't even get Bones to get me anything.”

“I believe it's called a gift for the reasoning that one is not required to give it. I heard Uhura's second cousin mention it on one of their comm's last week and I...” Spock tried to control his heart rate and blood flow to his cheeks. Nervousness had no cause to rise within him. “I made this. I thought it would be a good human tradition to practice.” Spock pulled out the bag from his pocket and handed it to Jim who looked shocked and he looked at Spock with a deep expression he could not read.

Slowly, Jim opened the bag and pulled out what Spock hoped to be a good gift. He had only given three gifts in his life, one to his mother before he left for the Academy, to Nyota after his world perished and now to Jim. Jim hands stilled when he saw what was in his hand. Spock tensed when he realized that Jim was utterly still, his body more tense than Spock remembered ever seeing him.

Jim's face went pale and his breathing hitched. Spock's nervousness increased and it took twenty-two percent of his concentration to keep it from showing. “Jim?” He asked, his voice rather weak. Jim finally looked at him and Spock saw his eyes were watering. “Have I done something wrong? If I have I will take it back immediately.” Jim clenched his jaw and now his pale cheeks were going blotchy with pink and tears ran down them.

“Jim? Please tell me what I have done to displease you. I will correct this-” Spock was cut off as Jim slumped into his body and wrapped his arms him. His voice, when he spoke was choked but Spock understood what he was saying, “Thank you Spock. You have no idea how much this means to me. You really, really don't.” Spock felt like he might, the emotion his gift had unleashed was huge and even with his barriers in place they barrelled over them and Spock felt his own eyes tearing up with shock, grief and utter devotion.

Jim, he realized not for the first time but perhaps Spock finally felt the depth of their friendship, Jim truly appreciated him in a way no other human had. His arms were tight and strong and Jim did not let go as he lightly cried on his shoulder, his hand clutching the small bracelet.

* * *

 

 

Jim fingered the friendship bracelet for the hundredth time. They were on New Vulcan as an official Star Fleet mission though it did not feel at all official as they bunked down in Sarek's home for the past week. He twisted his wrist in the predawn light and watched as the silver metal caught it and shined slightly. It was handmade, he knew that immediately when he first glanced at it, Vulcan script said Spock's clan, and Jim's name. The three strings, Vulcan leather were dyed in Spock's ancient clan colours, one black, one silver and one blue. It was a beautiful piece of art work, delicate and yet utterly male. Jim promised he wouldn't take it off, it'd been a week and he hadn't. He didn't tell Spock that the bracelet thing was more of a child gift and that Uhura's cousin wasn't a good source of human traditions since he was nine. It didn't matter to him, because this, this wasn't Tevik and it wasn't Sam. 

Jim had Spock and he'd do anything in his power not to lose this.

Getting up, he made his way downstairs to see the two Vulcans drinking tea and conversing at the kitchen table. “Good morning.” Jim called out in Vulcan. The two Vulcans replied back good naturally. Sarek, he saw, was looking better from the last time he had seen him. Not only were they getting over Saros but Sarek had come back home to a very silent house with only T'Pau who was busy trying to control the council and it's members. He spoke still in Vulcan as he had since he arrived, no longer needing nor wishing to hide the fact that he spoke as a native.

“I thought today we might all go to Mount Ds'tehk. I know we finished up yesterday night but Star Fleet doesn't have to know that. We can stay until this evening, if it's alright with you and doesn't conflict with your schedule.” Sarek, as predicted, relaxed slightly and replied without wavering, “That would be pleasant. I do have to wonder whether your doctor, however, will be able to make the trip.” Jim grinned as he sat down, with his tea next to Spock. “Oh, don't concern yourself with Bones, he's all talk. I'll get him to double up on the sun block.” He smirked as Sarek and Spock both raised their brows at him.

The afternoon did turn out well. Their last day on Vulcan was cooler, the Vulcans wore looser robes than usual, but for the humans it was still barely manageable. Bones, did indeed complain constantly, and he hypoed all the humans a hundred times with fluids and vitamins. But in general it was nice, Jim only gave in to his headache as he sat down almost at the top of the jagged and rocky mountain. The view was incredible and showed all of the recently built city. Sand hills and mountains covered the landscape but Jim could see blue on the horizon and truly wished he could explore the planet fully.

The heat however beat down on his robes and he swallowed thickly remembering the heat of Vulcan, remembering Tarsus and he forced himself to take a large gulp of water from his canister. “This heat is so god dammed horrible. How are you taking this so lightly?” Jim shrugged and replied, while rubbing his temples, “Vulcan was hotter.” Spock nodded and replied, “If you feel too uncomfortable we can always comm for a shuttle and have you transported back to our home.” Bones snorted and replied grudgingly, “And leave my girlfriend and Jim up here to practically die from heat exposure. I'll stick it out thank you very much. I'm the doctor here.”

Spock raised a brow and glanced at him, Jim smiled in return seeing the amusement on his friend's face. “Okay," Jim said, getting the whole group to pay attention, “Who want's lunch?” By the time they made it back to Sarek's, most of the group had a tan and Jim had managed to keep his flashbacks to a minimum, although it was increasingly difficult.

Sarek, had drawn him back and he said quietly as well as kindly, “James, perhaps it would be best for you to seek out a healer with what time you have left here. I know of two healers of which are...” Sarek paused looking for the right words and continued with, “They are somewhat eccentric and therefore most likely to be granted your respect. They are also very discreet. I think you would benefit from more healing, I can tell you are in pain and it will continue until you deal with your past and your broken bond.”

Jim shook his head and replied just as quietly, “We both know I'll always have that broken bond. I've been told on countless occasions this is going to be my life now. I have to get used to it.” Sarek frowned and replied seriously, “Was it not getting better when Saros melded with you?” Jim shrugged and looked away from the older man as he replied, “It was only temporary each time.” Jim tried to ignore Sarek as he said finally, “I believe you can heal Jim, but you do need healing treatments and you need to help yourself heal as well. It is not solely the duty of the priest but it must come from your inner core just as much.” Jim nodded and saw everyone now inside Sarek's home.

Exhausted and hot, most of the group moved to the cool living space and slumped onto the couch. Spock, however, completely comfortable was standing next to a crate that was sitting beside the dinning room table. He was frowning as he looked up at their arrival and said, “Father, a parcel has been delivered. Were you expecting something?” Sarek went up to the crate and saw what his son was concerned about.

There was no address to return to, or any other indication at who had sent the package. Medium sized and with a small rectangular opening in one side, it was made of metal and extremely hard metal at that. Sarek spoke just as confused, though only Jim and Nyota noticed the change in the Vulcan's tones. Nyota sat down at the table as Sarek replied, “I was not expecting any package.”

Scotty managed to get up from the couch and frowing said, “Be careful then. Let me scan it before anyone opens it.” Carol didn't get up, looking red and tired, only her eyes light up as she asked, “Are you thinking bomb? I can dismantle almost every kind if it is one.” Everyone looked at her and she shrugged, “I do not apologize for my excited tone. I can't help it.”

Sarek was the one who said, “I do not believe it is a bomb.”

Quickly, with Spock tensing, Sarek opened the package and nothing happened.

Then Sarek saw what was in it and straightened. His head tilted and he crouched down to lift up what appeared to be a white cougar cub with a pink bow attached to it. The large kitten woke from it's nap and yawned revealing small pointed teeth and it finally opened purple eyes to blink up at Sarek. Slowly, it meowed and turned from strange creature to cuddly kitten.

Pavel, wide-eyed said, “That's a Pahtrae cub. They're extremely rare to be gifted off their planet. Who did you impress to get that kind of gift?” Sarek looked over at the younger man and said just as confused, “I do not know what it is that you speak of.”

Now Jim finally spoke up and said, “The Pat's are the chosen animals of X'en royalty. They're extremely loyal and intelligent, as well as telepathic. I thought the protective nature of the Pahtrae would be a good fit with New Vulcan and the predators that are wild here. They're very adaptable and she'll be perfectly fine with the desert environment.”

Jim moved to scratch her head while both Spock and Sarek raised a surprised brow at him. They glanced at each other and then back to him and Jim shrugged, now nervous. “If you don't want her I can have her shipped to a rehabilitation centre on Z'en. She'll be trained to hunt and taken into the wild.”

Sarek didn't put down the cat, nor did he draw it closer to him, instead, he asked, “Why have you given me a Pathrea? Or indeed anything at all?” Jim frowned and spoke before he could stop himself. “It's your birthday today, I thought it'd be good to celebrate it on our last day.”

Bones immediately ducked his head to palm his face and groan, “Jim.”

Spock was the next to speak, ignoring a few snickers and Pavel grinning. “I do believe the cub could be a logical pet to keep father.” Sarek turned to his son and nodded. “Yes, I believe you're right. I assume this cat is a carnivore,” Jim nodded in reply and Sarek continued, “Since she is alone, she would not have a great impact on the environment but can help maintain the population of native V'askh and can perhaps be trained to protect the few Le-Matya's we have managed to save. Their population is only just increasing and is vital that they survive. It could prove beneficial to keep her.”

With that said, Sarek drew the cub to his chest and her purring started tenfold. He fingered the bow and lifted a surprised brow once again. Glancing over to Jim, Jim once more tried not to squirm as he replied, “I thought it would be a good name for her.” He watched as Sarek's eyes darkened but he nodded and said, “Yes. I daresay, it is an excellent name. Spock, this is Soraya. Soraya this is my son.”

Jim watched fascinated as Spock touched the cub and could tell he felt something from it. Soon everyone was on the couch and the crew all said happy birthday to a non-pulsed Vulcan and Jim sat smiling, watching Soraya sniff around the living space and later jump up on Sarek's lap to curl up and go back to sleep.

It was later that night when they were on the ship that Spock stopped him and simply said, “Thank you, Jim.” Jim smiled and replied, “Night, Spock.”

Entering his room, Jim went right towards the stash of scotch under his couch and sat at his desk, completely ignoring his need for sleep. He heard Amanda's voice clear as day in his head, laughing at the baby pictures of Spock. "I wanted to try for a second you know. I promised Sarek I wouldn't but I always pictured Spock as a big brother, I really wanted a daughter. Spock's so much like his father it always made me wonder whether a girl would take after me. We decided early on that a boy would be named Spock, it's such an important historical name. I wanted Sara for a girl but Sarek thought it might be too human, so we compromised and settled for a less common human name; Soraya. It means precious jewel and I did eventually come to love it."

Jim sighed as the burning Andorian Ale went down his throat. He poured another glass, leaned back and settled on blocking out the past one glass at a time.


	8. Casven; Emotional Vulcans.

Jim started to fidget and only stopped when he caught Spock's stern gaze locking onto him. Taking a deep breath, Jim tried unsuccessfully to relax and stop his hands from clenching.

Both men rose quickly as the Admiralty walked into the conference room. _About fucking time_ , Jim thought angrily.

“Captain, Commander, please sit.”

Everyone sat down and greetings were put aside as Admiral Archer said, “We have in-tell on The Crucible. They have just travelled past Space Station Nine and seem to be headed towards a criminal hotbed.” Everyone leaned back, many looked grim and Admiral Bennett replied unnecessarily.

There was only one criminal hotbed close to the Alpha quadrant. Casven.

“He's headed toward The Pits.”

Archer nodded and looked around the room. “We all know that damned planet is untouchable. The Watchers have a massive weaponized army and no one on that planet would say no to coming after us. Right now we have a deal with some of the higher ups, and I for one don't want to jeopardize future missions and being able to have them cooperate later. None of them are willing to bring in any Crucible members.”

Everyone was silent and Jim cleared his throat before he said, “Star Fleet can't go to The Pits.” Everyone looked at him like an idiot for stating the obvious but Jim continued, “I'll go. Not as Captain but as me.” Everyone were already shaking their heads, even Spock looked upset at the suggestion. “Listen,” Jim said, speaking harder and not giving in, “I can get in. I can at least get some intel and where the Crucible is going next. I won't interfere and I won't engage. But I can get in, you all can't.”

“You're James Kirk. You've made countless headlines in the past three years and just recently came out as Sana Kor's CEO, there's no telling how many people will kidnap you just for a few credits, never mind what they will do to you once they have you.” Jim sighed and clenched his hands to the pounding in his head and then finally said, “I can get in and I know I won't be kidnapped.”

Before the Admirals could completely shut him out, he blurted out, “I know a Watcher and he will offer me the protection of his district. I'll comm him and probably be on my way tomorrow morning.” Everyone shut up and Spock tensed beside him. “You know a Watcher?” Admiral Bennett asked. Jim nodded and replied, “Very well. We go back. I'll comm him and get my own personal shuttle for the trip. I'll make it as short as possible but knowing him, I might be delayed. However,” Jim continued, cutting off what Admiral Archer was about to say, “I will always be in communication range.”

“No.” Jim froze at that harsh statement and turned to Spock.

The icy glare he 'wasn't' giving Jim, made him instantly tense. “Excuse me?” “Not only will you not explain who this person is or how you know this individual but you certainly will not be venturing into a criminal planet alone.”

“Spock, I do respect you but don't ever tell me what I will or will not do. You don't need to know how I know a Watcher or who he is, he's a private person. They all are. As for me going alone, it's for the best. I can handle myself and I know what to expect.”

Utter rejection sounded.

More than one Admiral spoke at once and even Spock was agreeing with him. It only settled when, grudgingly, Barnett spoke over the crowd, “We need to decide on some ground rules. First, you will not go alone. At all. Period. Second, we need visual contact with this Watcher of yours. If, as you say, you can comm him so easily, do so now. Introduce us and then we might allow you to do this suicide mission, if and only if, it proves to be worth the risk. You are incredibly recognizable, Jim, I don't think you realize how much. Nor do I believe, you know how valuable you are to Star Fleet. And do not forget this council has given you multiple chances through the past couple of years.”

Jim got it, most of them didn't trust him since he revealed he knew Mitchel. They had questions, they were curious and wary. He got it, he also knew contacting Aloran in front of them would be a shit show. Jim sighed, leaning back, completely disrespectful but everyone ignored it and Jim stood up.

Slowly, he punched in a number he never thought he'd use again. The screen behind the table, turned on and everyone shifted to get a good view. Before Jim was ready, before he could even begin to get ready there he was.

Aloran had a cup of hot chocolate in his face, he was looking at them over the top of the mug. Freezing, he lowered it and then caught sight of Jim. His shock turned to a huge grin.

“Jim! My god, it's been a long time!” Aloran whistled and said, “Something must be damned important for you to be comming me with other people in the room. I take it, this won't be a social call?” Jim felt his cheeks turning pink and Aloran kept on grinning. He could practically feel everyone's tension. He doubted any of these men and women had ever seen a Vulcan without Surak's teachings. And Aloran did follow Surak.

“Aloran, sorry to disappoint. Afraid, I can't join you like I used to.” Aloran swivelled in chair and leaned back, saying, “Well you have gotten old and boring. I daresay, I won't miss anything.” Now Jim rolled his eyes and ignored the looks some of the Admirals were giving him. “I need a favour.” Aloran snorted and laughed making some of the men flinch at the oddity.

Spock went even more straight backed, if possible.

“Last time you did me a favour, the streets ran red. Tell me why I would ever let you come near me and mine?” Jim shrugged and leaned against the table, completely at ease as he said, “Simple. I'll take Zaser.” Aloran immediately sat straight, his eyes narrowed and Jim could see the true possessive Vulcan on his face. Interesting.

“You have no claim over him.” Aloran said between clenched teeth. Now it was Jim's turn to laugh and said, “Aloran, there was no exchange. I still talk to Zaser, I kept in touch and I appreciate all the time you put into him, but make no mistake, if I want my slave back, I'll take him.” Spock, like everyone else, turned sharply towards him.

Aloran, looking cunningly murderous, said simply, “I'll kill you before you step within fifty feet of him.”

“Don't underestimate me, old friend. Countless people have.”

“Countless, idiotic people, fooled by your deception. I, on the other-hand, know exactly who you are. James, Cole, Tomas, Brayton. I know exactly what you're capable of.” Jim nodded, seeing the flashback's those names he used to go by caused. “Than we are in agreement, it's better to work together than against each other.” Aloran was quiet for a bit, he glanced calmly over the straight backed Admirals and then focused on Spock.

He sneered and asked, “How the hell do you stand him?” Jim put a hand on Spock's shoulder and that made Aloran's brow go up. “He's a friend.” Aloran stared at him for a long time and smiled as he said, “I never thought you'd call another Vulcan a friend.”

Aloran tilted his head, curious and asked, “Are you fucking him? He's your type, isn't he?” He felt Spock flinch slightly under his hand and rolled his eyes. “No, you know better than that.” Aloran shrugged, replying, “Yeah, humans are bad bed mates. Eager, but much too breakable. What do you need help with? Just out of curiosity.”

“I need to visit for awhile. Catch up, play a little dart tournament.” Aloran grinned again and said, “I always win those games.” Jim shrugged and said, “You've had more practice. Now are you going to let me back in or do I have to ask your mate?” The Vulcan immediately tensed and his eyes narrowed again. Suddenly, he looked away from the screen and scolded. Looking back he grumbled and asked, “How'd you know? Did he tell you?” Jim grinned, relaxed, he took his hand away from Spock and folded his arms, smug. “No, but it was obvious.”

Aloran raised his hands and ran them through his long hair. “I hate it. I fucking hate you too.” Aloran said with so much emotion, Jim stopped, his smiled faded and he said, “Tell me you didn-”

“Shut up!” Aloran yelled and Jim tensed. “I would never fucking do that! I'm not your old friend, got that.”

Jim clenched his jaw and nodded. Aloran looked back at him and while he looked upset Jim could see it was mostly forced. “My planet died Jim and unlike this little bastard,” Aloran raised his head to Spock who glared back at him, “my clan wasn't in the cities. No one got out.” Jim winced, knowing that Aloran's clan, already on the outside of society would have been last to be evacuated, if they even got close to a ship, being located in the most wild parts of Vulcan. “What about your sister?” N'Vea had been married to a Romulan, she lived on Romulus most of the year. Aloran shook his head, “She and the baby went to visit my mother. I heard her husband killed himself that day too.” Jim winced further and then Aloran went back to being angry.

“I was ninety-eight, Jim. Fucking ninety-eight! Two years off my goal! It couldn't wait two fucking years!” Jim gaped and felt himself smiling which only pissed Aloran off. “Do you realize how close I was! I fucking hate you.”

“Why? I actually tried to save the planet! I did nothing to cause harm to Vulcan.”

Aloran rolled his eyes. “Yeah, which you are we talking about?”

Jim shut his mouth and Aloran sighed. Taking a different route Jim asked, “Why him? He's what...nineteen now? Damn that's young.” Aloran now looked smug and Jim was slightly creeped out. “He's an Orion, trust me, he wouldn't have been my first choice either but he's got stamina and a good dose of masochism.” Aloran shook his head and continued, “If I knew what a headache he was going to be, I would have let you have him.” Jim rolled his eyes, knowing this wasn't true.

Aloran sighed and said apathetically, “He fell in love with me years ago, I think it's Stockholm's myself. I trained him to fight and he's taking to it, like a fish to water. You should see him with a sword, I think he'd match you. Anyway, he tortured this woman I slept with when he was...twelve? No, eleven. No one would go near me, this little Orion would be glaring at them and then he came on to me. An orion, Jim. For years. Nightly, daily, it was exhausting.” Jim nodded and said, “Yeah, they're natural seducers. You had it bad.”

Aloran smiled and said, “Finally, someone who understands. We had an empathic bond and it just happened.” Once more he frowned and said, “It still sucks.” Jim understood, Aloran's entire clan perished. Every single bond, Jim winced at the thought. Even Spock had two left that day, at least, he had slightly more now. No Vulcan was meant to be alone and Aloran's mind had crashed under the assault and he had claimed Zaser, who was probably the closest thing he had to family. It must suck to only have one person as any kind of connection.

“I'll let you form an empathic bond with me, if you allow me unlimited access of your district.”

Aloran froze and Spock turned fully to face him. Jim ignored his piercing gaze and focused on Aloran's wide one. Aloran then shook his head and said, “I remember your mind, Jim. I wasn't a foot near you and I still winced, no thank you. No one in their right mind would ever, ever, ever, even wish to be bonded with you. I mean, damn, you have a terrible, exhausting mind. Ever.”

Jim cut him off as Spock raised a brow at him and he said, “Yeah, yeah I get it. Last man in the galaxy.”

Aloran shook his head, “Nope. Not even then. I'll pick horny, clingy, overly-jealous teenagers rather than you. Any day.”

Jim's lips twitched and Aloran's gaze went away from the comm. Suddenly, there was Zaser and Jim's eyes widened. Though he was truthful that he kept in touch it wasn't a regular thing and Zaser had grown since the last time he saw him. Tall and lean, his well-built frame couldn't be hid in his form fitting t shirt. Jim could see the appeal, his Orion turned out to be hot.

Zaser wrapped his arms around Aloran and glanced to the screen. He grinned seeing Jim. “Master!” He called and Jim shut his eyes, as once again everyone looked to him. Aloran started glaring again.

“It's been such a long time, how you've been?” His eyes went over everyone else and he nodded to himself, “Been better, huh?”

“Zaser, I want to visit you, think you could let your bondmate let me in?” Zaser's eyes widened and he smiled, turning to Aloran, who closed his eyes tiredly, he asked, “Babe, are you actually telling my master he can't come here? C'mon you know I like him. Please? Please? I'll do that thing you like. Twice.” Zaser went to sit in the Vulcan's lap and Jim grinned. He nuzzled Aloran's neck and Jim felt confident that Aloran was playing this up.

Aloran sighed, and said, “You're making this up to me. Only this once and only for you.” Zaser brightened right up and gave Aloran quite the kiss.

Jim had to clear his throat.

Twice.

Zaser grinned at him, waved bye and then called out from off screen. “I'll go get the chains, hurry up.”

Now Aloran turned, very smug and shrugged at him. “I want three questions answered.” Jim scolded and said, “I'm not a fucking genie.”

Aloran rolled his eyes and said, “Questions, not wishes. First one, and answer truthfully, why the fuck did you choose Star Fleet?”

Jim frowned and didn't look around him. He took a deep breath and said, “It was dangerous and yet I wasn't required to kill anyone. MACCO didn't appeal to me.” Some looked at him shocked, others thoughtful. Aloran moved on. “How do you trust that Vulcan I always see next to you, on the news?” Aloran stared at Spock as if he were a science project. Jim could practically feel Spock's hate coming off him.

Spock turned to him, when he stayed silent for so long. “Do you trust him?” Jim replied with another question, “Is that your replacement question?”

Aloran stayed silent and Jim bit out, “Mostly, it's because I knew his mom. I...I loved her. I thought she was a great mom and she looked after me. She always wanted us to be friends and I did it at first to honour her. Then I actually became friends with him and we've had each others back's several times.”

Aloran narrowed his eyes and shook his head. “You're not being truthful, at least not wholly. I'm a Master in the Pits, Jim. The whole truth.” Jim clenched his jaw and didn't look at Spock who was worriedly looking to him. “He's the first true practitioner of Surak I've met, at least the first one who really understands it. He's part human and I've come to the realization that I don't have to be afraid of him. He holds himself at a higher standard than the common Vulcan because of his status, because of the fact that he isn't full-blooded. He'd never break his own moral code, not for anything...ergo trust. Next question.”

Aloran smiled and said, “So, you like the halfbreed because he's a halfbreed. Figures, your always collecting the intelligent strays around you. What are you going to do to the Crucible members when you find them?”

Jim was about to answer when Aloran cut him off, “The truth, Jimmy.”

Narrowing his eyes, Jim said, “Kill them.”

Everyone stared at him but Aloran... Aloran just grinned widely and said happily, “Well, I guess it's a good thing you're coming back home, then, huh?”

The screen went blank, after a few minutes of shocked silence, Jim's comm went off with a route to take.

* * *

 

Getting out of the conference was harder than Jim planned. He had assured the Admiralty that he wasn't planning on killing anyone. He tried assuring them that he had no ulterior motives, though, he knew they were smarter than that. What it really came down to was that Aloran was only going to allow Jim in. They had no other option and everyone knew it.

It was Tanner that made Jim shut up and take Spock with him. She said it was likely Spock would be able to connect with the other Vulcan even with others complaining that they were sending in not one but two highly public officers. Jim and Spock knew better. Spock was there with him to keep Jim in line.

“We're getting hailed to land, Jim.” Jim got up from the cot and made his way to the front of their small shuttle. He sighed and sat down next to Spock in his own chair. “Alright, are you ready?” He glanced at Spock and saw his friend was looking just as determined as him, if slightly closed off. “Okay, then,” Jim said and pressed the controls to navigate the ship to the right docking station. They landed fine and Jim took a deep breath. Before he unlatched the door, Jim turned to Spock and said, “Listen, I did a lot of things when I was younger. I'm not that person any more, just...just, you know, remember that while we're here.” Spock frowned just a bit but he nodded stiffly and stayed close as they stepped down the ramp and onto the Pits.

Zaser ran right for him and Jim almost stumbled in the strong hold. “Hi, it's so good to see you again.” Jim smiled at Zaser's excited tone and replied the same. “Zaser, Aloran, this is Spock.” Zaser smiled and showed the Taal. There was a slight pause but Spock returned it and Aloran rolled his eyes as he said, “Great, he's also a first born. You sure know how to pick 'em, don't you, Jim.” He shrugged and replied, “Yup,” casually with a grin. It pissed Aloran off more and they made their way back into the modern fortress.

Spock looked around seeing the clean, polished floors and modern furniture. “This is not entirely what I was expecting.” Aloran turned and raised a very Vulcan eyebrow at him. “The dungeons are on floors three to five.” Spock stiffened and Aloran grinned. Jim took in a deep breath and reached out to rub Spock's shoulder, saying, “Just relax. You've got to get used to his way of being an ass. Also, there is no dungeon, just a torture room and it's on the second floor.” Jim gave Aloran a glare as the Vulcan flopped down onto the L-shaped couch.

“You never know, we did redecorate.” Jim noticed. Before Aloran's place had been minimalist at best. Now it looked almost homey, with greys and blacks like before but now accented with browns and greens, even some white pillows and walls were allowed. Zaser's idea no doubt. Jim pat a pillow next to him and didn't reply.

“So, The Crucible.” Aloran stated and looked to them. Spock nodded and replied, “The ship's crew is wanted by the Federation. Your help obtaining these individuals will be extremely rewarded as well as position yourself and your mate into a more opportunistic position should you ever require to leave Casven for a Federation planet." Aloran snorted and replied, "You think I need permission to go where I wish?" 

Spock raised a brow and said stoical, "You will should you ever decided to visit New Vulcan. I also believe the Admiralty has now had a digital scan of your facial features in which they have already passed through to other Federation planets. You will not dock as easily as you once did. If you do cooperate, I gain guarantee no charges will be ever be filed onto your mate." 

Aloran glanced a glare to Jim, who shrugged and then Aloran, scolding said, “I hate your face.”

Spock stilled at that insult and Jim couldn't hold back his snort. “Alright, alright. When does she land?”

“Tomorrow morning, my sources tell me Mr. Gary will be arriving at the main markets around eight o'clock. I'll have Zaser take a look, Mitchel will be on guard with at least five other highly trained members with him at all times.” Jim nodded, knowing the protocol. He had built it, after all. “Our best shot is to corner him at the arena in the afternoon.”

Both Aloran and Spock frowned, in their own separate ways. “How do you know he will head there?” Spock asked and Jim replied absently, his mind busy with what Mitchel would do tomorrow. “It's his leisure time. Fighting, sparring, and showing your strength, it's just what you do. He needs to be on top, remember, he can't trust most of his crew and he can't show weakness. Especially not with the attacks he initiated recently. We need to surprise him. He knows I know this area but he doesn't know just how well. I'm not sure I can completely surprise him anyway.” Jim turned to Spock and said, “You have to stay close to me and please don't hold back.”

Spock looked at him seriously as he said, “I would never put your life in jeopardy Jim. I can assure you I will do no such thing.” Jim stared at Spock a little longer and then nodded. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel his anger for the first time in months. It came swiftly, simmering underneath all his morals about holding back. He hated Mitch for what he'd done, not only to him and Saros and Sarek, but to countless others. He swallowed down his guilt and self-hatred, instead he concentrated it all on one person and he knew for certain, he'd never stop trying to go after Mitch and killing him just came naturally. Jim would have laughed had he been able. He had fooled himself long enough.

After all, no one who came to the Pits was a good person. And James certainly wasn't these days.

* * *

 

Spock stood at attention as he watched Mitchel Gary fight in the middle of the crowd. Jim had been correct when he stated Mr. Gary would be a formidable opponent. The man was extremely hyper-alert, Spock had to move several times in order not to be spotted. He was also extremely fit, having taken down seven others in the fighting cage. Spock felt a twinge of worry and once more sought out Jim in the crowd.

It took more than a few moments to track him but Spock finally did, hidden well on the third floor balcony. Spock relaxed minutely and let himself feel relief at that. It didn't take long after that for Mitchel to move on from his battles. There were many illegal tradings and he knew The Crucible needed to be resupplied. They followed Mitchel as well as ten others outside and into a large warehouse district, people were everywhere, of all races. All of them criminals and loaded with weapons. 

Spock spotted nine individuals wanted for terror crimes and had to force himself not to react. Those that did spot him, made him slightly surprised, while some eyed him up as if to challenge him all gave him a wide berth. His Vulcan heritage was quite welcome here, it left him available to keep an eye on their targets.

The meet ended up being fairly close to the East End. He knew Zaser was most likely on the roof loading a sniper phaser. Jim was out of sight, but Spock knew he was close. Aloran, Spock didn't trust at all and he could be anywhere. Spock positioned himself behind several crates, with a view of Mitchel meeting a man with several boxes behind him as well as people.

“You got it then?” Mitchel asked and the man smiled, turning to his people and back again. “I told you I would, didn't I? But here's the thing, it's gonna cost you double. It wasn't easy to get and we had a couple set backs. Your vendetta with the galaxy has put security defences sky high. It's hard to steal anything these days.”

Mitchel scoffed and shook his head, saying, “Dax, here's the thing. I don't like you, in fact I don't even respect you. And just for trying to play me, I'm going to take the deal for free.” Dax, a known smuggler as well as murderer was about to protest when Mitchel open fired on the group.

Spock inhaled quickly as he saw the men drop to the ground, only one person on Mitchel's team got shot. A woman checked the man over and called out, “It hit his chest. We have to get him back on the ship.” Mitchel stepped forward and looked down at the man. He sighed and said, “You know he was a great shot.” The woman looked up at him just as he pointed his phaser and shot the man in the head.

She rose up and pushed him back yelling, “That wasn't necessary!” Spock glanced Jim from the corner of his eye and moved with all the Vulcan speed he possessed. He manged to grab Jim and bring him to the floor before the others caught sight of him. Jim struggled but remained silent, Spock felt all his hatred through their connection and he raised his walls to keep it from affecting him.

When they were out of hearing range and yet could still see Mitchel, Jim spoke heatedly though still quiet, “Why the fuck did you stop me? He deserves to die, Spock. You have to see that. I don't care what you think of me, that man deserves it!”

“Jim, please, I will not let you compromise yourself. We are not in position, Aloran and Zaser are not here, they will not know when we are attacked.” Jim glared at him and said, “I don't need them.” Spocked glared back and said, “No, but you need me and I say we wait until they are outside.” Spock didn't let go of Jim, just in case, and to stop Jim from keeping conversation he raised his hand and covered Jim's mouth childishly.

Jim glared at him even more, his whole body tense against Spock's but Spock ignored it and paid more attention to their enemy. Mitchel shook his head and said calmly, “We don't have time to babysit people who can't pull their own weight. Now help me with the boxes.”

Spock couldn't believe what Mitchel did. To have a captain that ruthlessly killed his own men, one who was wounded and yet could have been saved. He thought of Jim doing that to one of them and couldn't comprehend it. Nor could he comprehend that Jim had once called this man a friend. Spock waited until Mitchel and nine of his allies (Spock would not call them his crew for that would mean some sort of loyalty was between them) were making their way down the deserted courtyard and then he pushed forward just as Zaser took clean shots.

Spock fired twice, hitting his target and watched as Zaser hit two more. Jim emerge from out behind a wall in front of them and shot at Mitchel. Spock saw the remaining woman turn her attention to him and she threw a throwing knife at him. Spock managed to dodge it, barely, it skimmed his shoulder and he fired back at her, hitting her in the chest. 

Zaser hit two more people and he saw Aloran snap a human's neck before looking between the surviving people. 

 

Spock froze then, able to focus on Jim and saw, he too, had frozen, though his eyes were on Mitchel.

“Call off your hounds or I'll let your Vulcan die horribly like I did the last one.” Spock paled at his words as he saw Jim's fury full force. Jim pointed a phaser directly at Mitchel's face, but Mitchel had a modified phaser pointed at Spock.

A standoff.

Aloran stepped forward only to have Mitchel pull out another phaser on him. Aloran raised his hand to stop Zaser from shooting.

 

“Suit yourself.” Mitchel said right before he fired.

Spock tensed and Jim stared over at him, wide-eyed. It was then he realized it wasn't a phaser shot. Spock looked down to his side and pulled out a dart, clear and empty, Spock concluded he had been poisoned by something.

Suddenly, everything in his body went numb, his mind slowed unable to process what was happening. He knew he had to get to Jim. He had to protect Jim.

Jim had to be safe.

He staggered and heard a commotion and then he fell, hitting the pavement hard.

“Spock! Spock!”

He felt warm hands on him, large and steady, they lifted him up and Spock felt a blast of worry, concern, relief and more worry.

“Hey, hey there buddy. It's all right, everything is going to be all right. Focus on me. Focus on me, okay.” Those hands cupped his face and Spock arched slightly over the overwhelming tide of emotions.

Jim. He knew it was Jim holding him, he felt the press of his mind, large, scattered, disorganized and blinding, then he knew nothing.

* * *

 

 “He should be...”

“You need to get some rest...”

“Hey, listen, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.”

“Spock, Spock if you can hear me, it's Jim. It's Jim. Your Jim.”

Constantly, Spock felt as if he were drowning. His mind barrelled him from side to, lapping over his walls to bury him with emotion. He felt fear, fear that made his heart accelerate in his side, his blood pumped viciously and his breathing increased. He felt fear at the unknown, at not being able to focus, and most of all he wasn't he in control. He clawed against it, tore at his own mind, howled and it did no good.

After fear and more fear, he felt dread and worry.

_Where was Jim, where was he?_

_What was happening?_

_How was Jim faring?_

_Did Mitchel hurt_ _him?_  

After worry, came an ocean of anger and of hate. Mitchel Gary had called himself Jim's friend once, he had murdered his counterpart and cost him his father's son. Mitchel had poisoned him, done something to him and not only did he want vengeance for that, not only did he want his hand coated red with his blood for daring to hurt him, he wanted it most for Jim.

Jim wanted Mitchel dead and Spock had no qualm at delivering it to him.

Throughout all his emotions, he was surround by more... more and less. They were not as all consuming as his own and yet utterly powerful in their own separate way. He could barely register what was his and what wasn't. In the deep part of himself he felt worry and fear mix and heighten his own, but he also felt emotions that at the current time he was not feeling himself.

There was a tenderness that brushed against him, fragile and quiet, it lingered under every other emotion. Relief and trust, Spock tried to name them, calculate how much he was feeling and how much wasn't his, he tried desperately to create walls once more, tried to create some sort of order. Soon the chaos became painful and he had only moments of relief. Agony tore at his mind as his emotions rose against his will. He couldn't concentrate on his bodily functions and lost the sense of his body. He did not know how long he floated among the painful tides of his own mind, slowly, perhaps days or weeks later he heard voices calling to him.

Without hesitation he tried making his way toward the voice. Struggling, as if wadding through water, he concentrated with every ounce of self he still had, until from a distance, he heard, “Don't you dare leave me Spock. I'm here. I'm right here and I need you to open those pretty caramel eyes for me, okay? I'm commanding you to, got that. Spock...come back.” The last part was said quietly, tentatively, and Spock tried his best to make it through the muddled mess of his mind, it got lighter, easier and his breathing became less stressed.

Spock blinked and took a deep breath as he saw for the first time in years. He took a long time to realize what was happening, where he was. Slowly his mind gathered itself, he hardly had to work on it, it was as if his waking up had programed his mind to once again follow his wishes. His walls erected, his haziness cleared and his thoughts were once again his own. The speed of such rapid success made his body nauseous and his head ache, his mouth was dry and he realized then it had not been weeks or years but merely hours.

Spock became aware of what had happened and realized he was still on Casven, Jim... Spock blinked.

Jim was laying on top him, asleep and curled into his side. That would explain much of the heat and unfamiliar emotions he experienced. Spock almost physically jumped as the door slid open and managed, with relief, to stop his reaction. Aloran came through the door and grinned at them.

Spock felt as if he were doing something sexual with the leer the other Vulcan was giving him. He didn't show any expression of his embarrassment. 

“Here Statue, I brought something for the headache you got. You were tranqed with trellium-d. It would have made you permanently insane had Jim and I not you a cure.” He nodded toward the drip that was connected to his arm, Spock had not noticed.

Spock nodded and asked, “What about Mitchel?”

“Well, I can say this, for a Vulcan hating son of a bitch, he's very crafty. I admire that.” “Vulcan hating?” Aloran nodded and leaned against the wall, waiting for Spock to take his pill and water. Spock did and Aloran said, “Jim informed me, way past due by the way, that Mitchel had been tortured by telepathic species, Romulan, Vulcan, we look the same don't we? His mind's been affected by it. Apparently, he has all sorts of fun toys to use against us.”

Aloran grabbed his sweater collar and pulled it down revealing a patch of black skin where it seemed Aloran had been hit with something. “It'll heal but it still pisses me off. By the way, your boyfriend almost had a meltdown when you got hit. He even let Mitchel get away in order to save you.”

Spock raised his brow and intended to correct Aloran about his and Jim's relationship when Aloran continued, “Let me tell you this, though. The Jim I knew and the Jim who actually befriended you are two completely different people. Don't get me wrong, I can tell you all about Jim and I haven't seen or heard from him in ten years. He's secretive, paranoid, secretly a control freak and hates to admit anything of importance to him. He likes pain, prefers it actually, than say... admitting anything from his past. He still has some aspects that he always will have.”

Aloran gave him a somber and serious look, once again too intense for Spock's liking as he said, “The Jim I knew would have left me to die and gone after his target. He would have beaten himself up about it afterwards, mind you, but he still would have done it. He doesn't like Vulcans, Spock.” Spock tensed at that and Aloran nodded seeing his shock.

“It's true, well, maybe 'like' is a bad word. It's more... he's scared of us.” Aloran wiggled his fingers and continued, “He's scared of what we can do. And what power we have over non-physic beings. I tried to befriend him in my own way and we make good allies. But this,” Aloran nodded to Jim who was still curled onto of him, “wasn't and isn't remotely possible. He never and still doesn't put himself a foot into my personal space. You must have seen him with other Vulcans. He's not like that really.”

Spock frowned, going over all the memories of Jim on New Vulcan, with the council, his father, several meetings with Sana Kor. Aloran was correct, Spock had never truly noticed with how casual and open Jim usual was, but besides his counterpart, Jim always kept a good foot between him and others. And, more to the point, his stance was one of protection, always keeping others in his sights as well.

“You're lucky, you know.” Aloran said getting ready to leave. “He's a brilliant man, magnetic really. He's a match for us, which makes him a far superior human if you ask me. Don't tell him I said that. And be on guard Spock, he never mention me or Mitch or anyone else from his past. He's capable of doing that to you if he thinks you've betrayed him.”

Spock replied automatically, “I never would.”

Aloran smirked and said, “Truth is matter of perception.”

* * *

 

Jim didn't let Spock out of his sight in the morning. He was still pale but rested from a night of mediation. Waking up to Spock being fine was an absolute relief, for a few hours he really thought Spock wouldn't make it, the vulcan even screamed and it was the worst sound Jim had ever heard. He was pretty sure it would end up in one of his nightmares sometime.

Zaser hugged him and then latched on to Aloran and Aloran growled, though Jim knew it was all for show. Jim had, of course, made Aloran get Zaser a ring just that morning, trying to curve the humans from thinking they could hit on him when they left planet-side.

With Orions, it was bound to happen.

“Remember when your on Terra give me a shout. It'll be awhile before we're in space.” Zaser nodded and Jim continued after sighing at Aloran who was glaring at him, “I, James Kirk, release you Zaser into the custody and claim-ship of one Aloran A'Zec Noq'ek.” Both men brightened and grinned at him. Aloran wrapped his arm tightly around his young bondmate.

“I'll make sure to comm you next time. I think I might try going to university there,” Zaser said, looking happy and thoughtful. Aloran now looked down at Zaser and gaped at him. “No, you're not. I am not living on Terra. It's out of the question."

Ignoring their bickering, Jim left them smiling to himself.

“How are you feeling?” Jim asked for the hundredth time once he sat down on his shuttle, Spock was now getting annoyed at his worry. He replied with a definite bad-eyebrow-raise as he said, “I am feeling the same as I did five point two minutes ago, Jim.”

“Okay, okay. I'll let you do whatever. I'll stop.” Tapping his fingers against his chair as they lifted off only made Spock twitch so he sighed and said, “Fine, I'll go comm Bones.” He smiled as Spock nodded and said, “That would be a pleasant idea.”

Laughing he went back to his small living, kitchen area and reached for his PADD. He didn't contact Bones. He didn't contact anyone because someone contacted him and he knew, he knew it very bad.

Shit.

 


	9. Have We Met Before?

Jim sighed as both of them disembarked from the shuttle. Allowing himself to feel a sense of relief, Spock settled beside Jim as they made their way outside the docking station and out into the streets. “We do not need to report to the Admiralty until tomorrow. Would you care to join me and the group for dinner?” Spock waited patiently for Jim's answer, he felt concerned.

Although it had been him that had been injured, Jim was the one who looked withdrawn and pale. Jim nodded and said, “You know, with what happened, I just wanted to thank you, even though I don't like what you did, holding me back. I'm glad your okay.” Spock held back a smile as he looked over at Jim who walked closer still. He nodded.

The group had been aware they had left on a mission but had not been notified where to or for what purpose. As predicted they were curious and waiting for them eagerly at their usual restaurant. Spock took a moment while they walked up to the table to notice Nyota had placed herself between Montgomery and Carol. He did not comment but took the empty seat next to Jim, having been accustomed to Leonard 'saving him a seat'.

“How'd it go? I know, I know no specifics or anything, but how'd it go?” Leonard said, looking at Jim, and then running a tricorder over him. Jim waved it away from his face and replied calmly, “It went okay. No too bad, not the best option. Spock was good.” Spock glanced at Jim who smirked at him and he looked away. They ate a nice meal and Spock felt more at ease as the hours past.

Jim was in a good mood now that they were back, Spock felt reasonably confident that he wasn't bluffing or pretending. He felt more assured as Jim brushed against him, the only emotions he could pick up were calm and slightly soothing, if deeper than usual. Still, Spock paid attention throughout the night, remembering Jim's pale face and intense gaze on the trip home. With his concentration on Jim fully, he saw how much the man was engaged, he spoke to everyone equally and animatedly. He also convinced everyone for a walk after their longer than intended dinner.

After the girls grew tired of that, in their fashionable yet unpractical foot wear, Jim led them to a late night bakery. By the time Carol and Sulu were forcing the issue of actually sleeping, it was close to four in the morning. Jim seemed reluctant to let anyone leave, even making a heated debate to watch the sunrise over the bay and how everyone needed to do it once in their lifetimes. (It didn't matter that all of them had already seen it one way or the other.)

“C'mon Jim,” Leonard said roughly, though smiling still, “we're not as young anymore.”

“Speak for yourself,” Pavel said smiling though shrugging when the older mans rolled their eyes.

“I, for one, need sleep. The Admiralty commed us today and we need to be alert for whatever they have in-store for us tomorrow. After your mission that was probably way too dangerous and active for my sanity, I'm demanding you get some sleep tonight too. You need to look after yourself.” Jim rolled his eyes and raised his hands. “Okay, okay, you all win.”

Uncharacteristically, Jim reached out and hugged Leonard. Spock, though not intending to, heard Jim say quietly, “Thanks for looking out for me. I appreciate it more than you know.” Spock, being at Jim's back saw Leonard's expression soften and he hugged Jim back tightly but said, “Yeah, yeah, kid. Get some sleep.” Jim gave everyone a hug, surprisingly, and waited until everyone were headed into cabs and on their way.

Nyota came up to him and asked quietly, “Do you want to come over to my place?” Spock glanced at Jim who was deliberately giving them space as he said bye to Hikaru and Pavel. The older man was seeing the younger home though he thought from the way Jim was smiling that he was thinking something different.

“I am afriad I will have to pass on that offer, I am sorry.” Nyota nodded, not looking too distraught and she reached up to kiss him on the cheek. He felt for a moment a brief stab of sadness and it intensified as he realized that he was relieved. Their week together aboard the Enterprise seemed like a long time ago, though it was only recent. It did not turn out as Spock hoped, though it had been pleasant and the rift between them seemed silently larger. He frowned as he watched her leave but turned his gaze toward Jim, who was looking back at him.

“So, do you need to meditate?” Jim asked with his hands in his pockets. Spock shook his head and replied almost amused, “Not at the present time. What do you have in mind next?” Jim grinned brightly and Spock was once more reminded of Jim's ability to memorize everyone with it. They ended up going to a observatory. Spock had never been to one so old fashioned and Jim said, “They keep ones like this for historic viewings and I always find them sort of peaceful. It's not a quarter as good as the one on the Enterprise, of course, but it is quieter and less likely to be interrupted.”

Spock turned away as Jim hacked the security and he ignored the fact that they were breaking and entering. Casually, as if he were meant to be here, Jim lead the way through the hallway and past lecture theatres to the great staircase. It took a few minutes to get to the top floor but Jim grinned as he opened the door to the wide room with a large telescope. He and Jim took turns looking through it and pointing out the few constellations they could see as well as a few pinpoints of planets.

They spent the night conversing about which planet they would like to settle on one day. Spock was torn between Terra and New Vulcan of course, and Jim surprised him by saying, “Zanna Mi. I want to retire there.” Spock always found himself pleasantly surprised at how he could talk so freely with Jim and his time with him on Casven had increased that comfort. Jim was more than ever someone he could trust and rely on.

After a few hours, Jim stood stopping conversation halfway and grinned at him, “C'mon.” Spock was lead back outside and they took an elevator to the top floor of a hotel. Grinning still, Jim broke the lock on the emergency exit and they made their way upstairs and onto the roof. “Now this is the view everyone should see.”

The skyline of San Francisco stretched out ahead of them and Spock silently agreed. The sun was just rising creating light blues, pinks, purples and oranges. It was a rare day without fog and Spock only felt slightly chilled in his sweater. “Thank you for showing me this.” Jim leaned against the wall that surrounded the roof and reached out to put an arm around him. Spock leaned in slightly, the warmth from him was welcome.

“I love watching the sun rise. Having a new day laid out before me. It's, for me, the most peaceful time of day. I really feel alive when I watch it.” Spock looked over at Jim, close to him and felt those strong emotions coming from his friend. He nodded, staying silent and took in the soothing sights as well.

After they managed to move a half hour later, they had an enjoyable breakfast together, Jim walked Spock to his house but declined having tea. When Spock was almost inside Jim called out and he turned.

Once more, Spock caught Jim looking intense and focused. “I had a good time tonight.” Spock raised a brow and said, “As did I. We should plan more such occasions in the future.” Jim smiled but Spock, tuned in to Jim's expressions, knew it was partly forced. He stepped down his stairs until he was standing in front of Jim.

“If there is something on your mind that is troubling you, I am here for you.” Jim smiled again, this time one of enjoyment and nodded. “I know Spock.” He raised his hand and Spock was confused for a moment until he saw the bracelet. A surge of emotion raised within him and he pushed it down before he named it, before he grew distracted. “I just wanted to say I enjoy spending time with you and I appreciate that you actually became my friend. Not many Vulcans would have.”

Spock grew worried once again but pushed it down and replied calmly, “It is their loss and my gain. Becoming your friend has more than once been extremely beneficial and rewarding.” Jim grinned so wide and bright Spock felt his own lips twitch in response. Without warning, Jim stepped forward and hugged him. Reacting instinctively, he returned the gesture.

Though when they parted it seemed as Jim wanted to say more, he didn't, instead he nodded and said, “Get some mediation in, Spock, busy day today.” Spock went inside, feeling both apprehensive and happy. He definitely would need to mediate now.

* * *

 

 

Spock had, as Jim would say, a bad feeling. He glanced at his father seeing him glancing back, just as wary about what was happening. McCoy was fidgeting and looking at his watch obviously thinking and worrying about Jim and his absence at such an important event. Once again, he felt a curious pang in his core.

Worry, that was the emotion plaguing him since yesterday. What had Jim thought to tell him that morning? Why hadn't he questioned more? Spock was not used to feeling doubt and he stood straighter as the drums inside the hall started unexpectedly. Jim was still not here. McCoy swore and he almost gave in to the smirk that twitched at his lips, instead, he glanced once more to Sarek, seeing his father raise a brow at the doctor made him all the more amused which caused more emotion to raise in him and he quickly smothered it down after examining them. He knew instantly, he was as nervous as McCoy and his worry over Jim was causing his barriers to be effected.

The Reklans at the door stood straighter and grew more alert, shifting their eyes upon the small group, warily sizing them up. Their eyes strayed to him mostly as well as his father, Spock concluded it was the knowledge that Vulcans were naturally stronger than humans that made them uneasy. After all, their Emperor was human.

Then, from down the staircase came the inner-court of Reklor's Empire. The Queen was aesthetically pleasing, Spock admitted her grace was pronounced as she glided down the staircase. Five of the most loyal followed behind their Empress and Emperor but they were lost upon Spock, for he had eyes only for one. He believed McCoy held back another choice word due to his own shock, Spock felt the same.

Spock knew logically that the Emperor had been young when he became the leader of the unaligned. He knew the man to be human, strong and capable. He knew that for the Reklans to except another species to lead him, the human would not only have excellent leading qualities but also be a determined, ruthless strategist. Spock could never have known it to be his own friend.

Jim did not look like himself. There wasn't a major change, his hair was longer, Spock rationalized that to a follicle stimulator. He had five day scruff that he chose not to shave in the days of their mission. It was Jim's eyes that bothered Spock most, they weren't his usual warmth, they showed barely any emotion, but for perhaps the first time, Spock could clearly see the sharpness of Jim's mind. He wasn't holding back now, wasn't able to in the situation.

Spock felt many emotions rise up, threatening to overcome his barriers. The first and foremost after disbelief was a sense of strong betrayal. He quickly pushed that down, concluded that it was not only unfair of his emotionalism but also illogical. As Jim came closer, his red robe gliding on the ground, Spock was held in a perilous state of the unknown. He did not know what to say, or how to handle the situation before him. He could only stare, thankful he could see anything at all behind those bright blue eyes.

Jim glanced at him, and then away, a sure sign of nervousness, though his face and body language gave nothing away. He stopped, as did five others behind him, ten more continued on into the hall. Jim gave them his full attention and his crew stood dumbfounded, still in shock. Spock could feel the emotions around him batter at his shaky shields and he tried his best to quickly build them as Jim turned, predictably to his longest friend.

He spoke quickly and calmly, “We don't have much time. I just wanted to talk to you first, give you some forewarning before we enter the hall. Once I go in, I'm not going to be Jim Kirk. I'll have no connection to Star Fleet or any of its members. You guys can't interrupt.” Jim looked utterly serious and extremely sad as his gaze turned over them. “You can't interrupt, okay? I just...” Jim swallowed taking in the silence of the group, how McCoy's eyes were narrowing now, his hands were clenching into fists. “I'm sorry. I know that doesn't mean much right now but it's the absolute truth.”

“Forewarning?”

Jim turned his attention to McCoy's angry drawl. “You call this a forewarning? We know what the damned admiral's said. We're fucking anticipating the next war on Reklor. The treaty's not even on the damn table!” Jim winced slightly but looked McCoy in the eyes and it was perhaps the first time they saw Jim, not the mask he always portrayed, but Jim. And he was both sad and determined. Strong.

“Would you have wanted me to tell you last night? Or when we met? Hey, I'm Jim. Jim Kirk, I massacred hundreds of children under the age of eight and burnt them alive, but don't worry I did it for a good cause.” Spock stopped himself from wincing at that false cheery tone, so out of place in this context. McCoy could not, his expression sour, and Jim smiled sadly, his eyes were dull but they held a wrong type of acceptance in them.

Spock almost stepped forward but Jim sighed and said, “I am sorry. I truly am. All of you have been more that I could have imagined. You're truly the best of the best.” He stepped forward and drew McCoy into a hug and it was only Spock's Vulcan hearing that allowed him to hear what Jim whispered. “You're the best brother I ever had. I hope one day you could forgive me for this.”

He hugged each of them. A teary eyed, Carol, a stone faced Nyota, who clutched at Spock's sleeve. Sulu, who was stiff but looking just as agonized as the Emperor in front of him. Checkov needed a longer hug for he refused to release Jim, muttering in Russian and Jim, surprising everyone, replied in Russian, making the younger boy gasp softly and tear up more. Montgomery was the one who was in the most shock, for he exclaimed, “You can't be,” as Jim hugged him, saying, “You better take care of our baby Scotty. You can't fall apart on me, she's gonna need you.”

Jim tried to smile, but it wasn't at all bright or carefree as his usual one. Mr. Scott nodded sharply and offhandedly said, “Yes, Sir.” It made Jim smile, a small one, but finally genuine.

Spock felt lost throughout the small words, he felt as lost as he did on the day his mother died, on the day he watched Jim die in front of him just out of his reach. This was Jim saying goodbye to them, McCoy was barely keeping from looking as dejected as Spock felt. This wasn't real, they had just spent the entire night out. Jim would have told him. He would have said something. Spock was still being affected by the trellium. This was not how this was supposed to happen, Spock only just got Jim back. He couldn't process this.

Spock knew, he knew this was it. _Yet, how could James be Sorren Hart? How could this be real?_

They had all studied Reklor in their defence classes in the Acadmey. Leonard and Carol had an argument just three weeks ago whether what the Emperor did had been great strategy or plain murder. Leonard had called him a monster, unforgivable for killing children. Jim hadn't said a word that conversation. Spock remembered that the last king, Torqan had been famous for his fighting, he had beaten eleven challenges, it had made him legend in the last fifty years, and Reklans were naturally twice the strength of humans.

And Jim, a human, had seventeen challenges.

He blocked his mind from calculating the odds, Jim was not going to see the sunset this night, he was not going to watch the sunrise ever again. Spock thought of this morning, of Jim turning to say goodnight, he should have done more, kept talking. They did not have enough time. Spock should have made him talk for once.

Finally, lastly, Jim turned to him and though he spoke to the group, his eyes never left Spock. Blood was slowly trickling down Jim's face in small lines from his heavy crown digging into his forehead. He remembered the file on Reklan's, their new motto, To Rule is to Endure.

Jim, Spock realized, had known much of responsibility even when he let Spock and Christopher preach to him about it. His eyes, next to the bright red, stood out harshly blue. Spock allowed himself, unashamedly, to take in every detail of his friend for the final time. Spock memorized, not for the first time, the sharp angles of Jim's face, the stubborn tilt of his chin, the pink thick lips that were pressed tightly together. The thick brows and the new (or old) scar adoring his left cheek, Spock took in that new detail, moderately thick though not too much, it was slightly rough looking and white, trailing from his temple and across his cheekbone. In a way, it suited him, made him appear if possible, more enchanting. More mysterious.

Finally, he stopped and looked directly back into those familiar and alien eyes. Spock could not go through this, his whole body erupted in a violent, furious storm of protest, of the insanity of Jim. How could Jim ask them to do this? How could he not have prepared them for this day? Surely, he had known, years ago, that challenges would emerge? Spock had never felt such anger at Jim and yet it was equalled by the agony he felt at knowing that in a few hours, he would watch as Jim's body was cremated and all that was once their captain, their friend. Spock's buffer between Vulcan and human and alien would be gone forever. Jim was the first true person to accept all of him, unquestionably. He had held him in his sleep just three days ago.

How could Jim make him watch this?

And Jim answered him, making Spock even more tense, ready to fall into pieces. “If any of you can't go through this, it is no shame. I won't ever fault you for it, for not being able to face this. This is something you haven't been prepared for, haven't even expected, again, I'm sorry but it's here and it's not going to disappear. Once I go in there, you won't be able to leave. My people will stop you and I won't be able to stop them from doing so. I don't expect you to go in, so you can stay out here or go home or go get totally wasted for the rest of day and deal with it when you can. This is something that I didn't want any of you to see or be apart of. I could not stop that from happening and I apologize for my failing. I'm not the person you always believed me to be, but I want you to know, I really liked pretending.”

Spock couldn't help but speak up, his anger coming out slightly, his worry also. “You would have left for Reklor had you known of the challenge in advance and you would have left us unaware of both your destination as well as the outcome.” Spock did not form it as a question and Jim looked at him penetratingly, as always, stripping down to the core of him and Spock knew Jim was going to agree. “We would not have known of your death until it was announced. You would have left your crew like that?”

Left us, left me, Spock thought illogically, a second thought followed and Spock pushed it down, it was increasingly illogical that his presence should make a difference in Jim's decision making.

It sounded so much worse aloud and Jim knew it as well. He winced noticeably and said once more, “I didn't want you to see this. You don't deserve this and I didn't want this to be your last memory of me.” Spock nodded and spoke emotionless, “And yet, we will.” Jim slumped slightly, looking at him and Spock, perhaps for the first time saw Jim, not his captain, or the man who always wanted people smiling. He didn't see the strategist or the sharp mind, the skilled fanatically-emotional man and enigma that James Kirk happened to be. He merely saw the twenty-seven year old man, who was looking solely at him.

“Here. Since I can't be Jim Kirk while I'm in there, I need you to hold on to this.” He reached out and Spock automatically did the same. Without touching him, Jim gave him his bracelet, the same one he had yet to take off, the same one he promise never to discard. “Make sure you keep the safe for me okay? It means a lot to me.” Spock let his hand clutch the small band, trembling. He did not want to see what happened next. He had no wish to for any of this. He hoped, illogically and shamefully that somehow, someway his Jim could do what he was known for, always surprising everyone around him. Spock wanted him to cheat the odds once more, just this once. He wanted Jim to kill all seventeen Reklans in his way. He wanted Jim safe and away from all this. Illogically, he thought of nerve pinching him.

Jim made no other comment. He knew, they all knew, that they would go in. They would watch Jim fight, watch him die and they would do so without interrupting.

Spock needed to be there, to be with him this last time. He wanted to see his body, to touch him just once. As Sulu, expressionless and tightly wound led the way inside, Spock followed last, a pang in his chest for the shameful thought that he was the only one out of the crew that Jim had not touched in some way. He felt, somehow, empty.

“Sarek,” Jim called. Spock turned, his father behind him did as well. And Jim through the small space by the half opened doors, smiled and said with eyes watering, “Nemaiyo.” He could tell his father was as confused as he was but he raised his head in acknowledgement.

They were the last of the spectators. The admirals and ambassadors of all the Federation planets were seated to the right of the rectangular hall. He could feel the tension, the anticipation. Admiral Bennett turned to Spock as he sat down. “Where the hell is Captain Kirk? Tell me for god sakes he's not hung over and going to be creating an inter-galactic shit storm right now.” Spock turned to him, encasing himself in as much numbness as he possibly could, he replied, “I can only guarantee you one of those choices Admiral.”

Spock clutched the bracelet in his hand and hid his shaking as he carefully held them together in front of him. The doors opened and a hush fell upon the audience. Spock, Nyota, the rest of the Alpha team on the Enterprise, the Admiralty, Ambassadors of all quadrants looked on as Adalyn Empress of Reklor made her first live appearance off her planet.

There had been a debate this morning whether or not this would be made Federation news, camera men and women had known Reklor was coming to Earth after all. Spock now knew, it had most likely been Jim who had banned them and had made all present sign confidentiality reports with their fingerprints and a blood sample on proper paper (a Reklan custom). This would remain within the highest ranks of the federation, the Enterprise being the only crew that had been allowed due to her status, or Jim's own decision.

Spock would never find out which.

After her, came the five promised, strongest and most loyal to the Emperor, Spock wondered about their stories, how much did they know Jim. They took up positions at different places, the second in command went to stand by Adalyn on the far side of the room, a small, unadorned rectangle throne stood for her on a small dais. The others placed themselves by the entrances, one at each as the other two stood by the guests, looking at the clansmen who stood opposite the room.

Seventeen men and women stood at the front, they each had five of their best warriors and clansmen behind them. Each stood in respect and bowed their heads to the warriors of Jim's- Sorren's- court.

And lastly, as Adalyn sat down, Jim came in.

His eyes fell upon the guests, all of whom gasped or looked on in disbelief. Several Admirals looked to him sharply as well as some of his father's associates. Jim did not speak, nor did he acknowledge Star Fleet or anyone other than his challenger's. He stood tall, his presence filling the large room without any effort.

He was, Spock thought, the only thing anyone was seeing in that moment.

When Jim did speak, his voice was loud, clear and strong, “We are gathered here today to bare witness to the public challenge against Reklor's Emperor. Are all challengers present?” There were loud shouts of agreement along with the warriors holding their fist to their chest and Jim nodded sharply, calling out, “Are all seconds present?”

Another call.

Jim walked in the middle of the room, his robe following out behind him, his hands resting calmly behind his back. “We have on agreement that should Reklor's Emperor fall, there will be a sixty day peace before any more challenges against any house. You will all make your way back to Reklor and no harm may be placed against any other race. Is this agreeable?” Another round of shouts and Jim nodded.

“We are honour bound. May the gods see you through today.”

Spock tightened his hands around his armrests and felt their friendship bracelet cut into his palm.


	10. The Introduction of Sorren Hart

Jim quickly and calmly disrobed, showing his full naked body to the world. Spock heard McCoy curse once again and murmurs were going throughout the crowd. The Reklan's themselves seemed unsurprised. Spock's mind raced with trying to document so many scars. His back was the first that Spock saw. Small lines crisscrossed with a few larger ones, a red long one stood out on his lower back. A burn of some kind was on his shoulder and leg. The other leg looked rough, patchy, with an odd looking pocket marked scar.

Spock did not wish to see this, the true life of James, written forever on his body. He turned and Spock witnessed more scars, several lines across his chest, one longer than others, the rest of the burn, from the looks of it, an infected phaser wound on the shoulder. The knee had a jagged scar and Spock only stopped himself from gasping when he took in the most deep scars, scars that only meant one thing.

Cuffs.

At one time, Jim had thick shackles around his wrist and ankle, rough and red they stood out blindly on his pale body. Jim had been a prisoner, somewhere utterly awful. Spock looked up from those wounds to see Jim staring intently at him and only then did Spock notice the small mark on his chest. A mark that he knew his father took in as well, for he tensed. Jim turned and raised his arms out, showing his body to his men.

“First challenger, step forward.”

The man did so, he was medium height, strong looking, with a burn across half his face. Jim nodded when the Reklan introduced himself, and said, “You honour me, Halvar. I hope you've made peace with Norep, for I will have none.” Halvar smiled, a smile as ruthless and cold as every story told of Reklans.

Spock's heart tempted to race and he knew he would need to control himself. Jim's second, a man named Locan came forward as Halvar's second did the same.

“I am ready.” The man said as he undressed, showing his own scarred body before being dressed.

The dress itself was fascinating. It acted as if it were organic. Fluid, the material moved on it's own as they stepped into their boots, armour, Spock knew, flexible and light as well. Soon, Jim was dressed in black armour, a dagger in his belt and in his boot. Locan came forward with a shiny black box and opened it, almost religiously. Jim slowly pulled out a sword, one that Spock calculated had great significance to the Reklan people. He swung it a few times and grinned. He looked up and for the first time that day, Spock saw those eyes shine.

“Well then, shall we get started?” He quickly placed on his helmet and the two men attacked fiercely.

Spock felt the entire room tense. Halvar, the first challenger was strong, of human speed but well trained, as would be expected. Jim held his own surprisingly well. He was hit twice, and almost grazed but after a few minutes Jim managed to get in place and he struck the one exposed area behind helmet and neck. Halvar fell, though not without winding Jim in the process.

Breathing hard, Jim shook his head as the next person disrobed and got ready. Halvar's body was left on the ground where he fell. Jim stepped back as the woman- Lyvari-moved forward. She bowed to Jim showing her respect right before she swiftly rushed forward. Not at all like the first, she was incredibly swift and managed within seconds to cut Jim four times and push him back.

Jim stumbled and everyone held their breath. Jim had to raise his arms in order not to be cut across the face. Spock held back a wince as he heard the grind of Lyvari's knife against Jim's armour. She kicked him and he fell.

Spock felt his hands tightening slightly and he felt Nyota jump slightly beside him as Jim jumped up just as Lyvari descended. Dodging the knives, he grabbed hold of her and within a second snapped her neck.

Nyota gasped and clutched on to him as well Pavel who was seated next to her. Spock swallowed as Jim turned to face his next challenger. He knew instinctively this one was different. Jim steadied himself almost immediately, his eyes narrowed and his stance became even more alert. Spock noted that the man walking forward had no scars. The first, as of yet.

“Thravan, son of Torqan, Clan Drai'Thra. My second; Morvek.” Jim nodded, stiff, though Spock noted this was the first time his challenger did not bow to him. Both men circled each other slowly. Spock saw the two Reklans loyal to Jim cloest to them. They glanced at each other and the younger one's jaw clenched. Spock took note of Locan's skin changing from pale to light grey for the first time.

Suddenly, without warning, the two men ran at each other, swinging and thrusting faster than Spock could calculate. He heard Sulu gasp and say, slightly sadly, absent-mindedly, “He's totally been holding back on me.” That statement was entirely true. Jim parried with excellent skill and moved quickly backwards and forward. The sound of metal on metal, grunting and panting went on for minutes.

After a half hour both men were tired and not one had even grazed the other.

They circled each other once more and Spock watched as Thravan smiled, a cruel and satisfied grin. He spoke slowly, loud and clear, all the while grinning, “Akosom, diep li Emperor, li'de si lie idi zonri. Li'de saith Reklor q' saikek ger galek henek qurium. Jl jith de fk kilik darei ak nir jisa dil ke jithinli ratec, jitra ratec ni avi rithad ni Zinkenri Kenek, asha ak hena. Li'de kenith darei hen aarnep humans, ek caith li'de rilth hen javik Harrjik ek yeri meth Vulcans lgk nisaru!”

Whatever Thravan said had to have been powerful for everyone reacted.

Jim's men's skins blackened and Locan unleashed his sword making the clans still standing all hiss and release their swords. Those two clans already defeated and bowing to Jim actually physically distanced themselves from Thravan's clan. Adalyn stood, her skin too as dark as obsidian as she called out in standard, “I want his head!”

Jim, was the only one in the room who had not reacted at all.

When he did, it shocked many for he smiled. It wasn't a smile Spock had seen before, this was cruel and predatory, it was meant to inspire fear. It did inspire Thravan to tense. When Jim spoke it too was clear but there was a note in it that was entirely calm. Too calm.

“Hen de neith das'ik Kenri. Hen aj Zinkenri, zinru, zonrilk. I am Emperor of Reklor, I am the King, The Golden One, Son of Norvk, The Fire King, I am wrath and so help me, Thravan, I will have you dihonoured. Erased from all accounts of history. I will have your clan obliterated from Reklor, Clanless, and Nameless from this day forward! There will be no relief for your people, no santuary in which they can hide. From this day until my last days so help me you will die knowing you caused destruction only to your own.”

Thravan screamed and Spock witnessed his wife, children and loyal supporters pale at Jim's words. Spock knew being clanless was horrible, he also knew Jim's clan had once been exiled to that fate. Spock glanced at Locan to see him smirking, looking not at all worried now.

Jim blocked Thravan's attack and the audience all tensed. This, this was utterly different from what Spock and the others watched before. Something had changed in Jim, or perhaps, it was the first time Jim did not care enough to hide it. Jim was cold and calculating, swift and merciless. He attacked with a fury that Spock had not witnessed before. But so too, did Thravan having his entire clan relying on him.

Thravan managed to knock Jim down and was on him before he could get up. Thravan said something Spock guessed was insulting before he took his dagger and opened a gash on Jim's cheek. Everyone hissed and yelled at that. Jim yelled as yell, but not in pain. Spock heard the telltale snap of something breaking before Jim got his arm out from under him and slammed in into Thravan's head.

With both men helmet-less and sword-less, Thravan was pushed off Jim and Jim barrelled into him. This was not a battle of precision anymore but of utter brutality. Everyone was completely disgusted and fearful and yet none could look away afraid the other would win. Jim managed to top Thravan and yelling, half his face stained red, he beat Thravan frantically, while another hand reached for Layvi's throwing knife just out of reach. Jim gasped as Thravan reached out and snapped his arm, but Jim grabbed the knife and swung.

Everyone stilled as Thravan gasped, the knife sticking out from his neck. He opened his mouth to try to speak but no words came out. He laid there blinking and Spock realized the man was paralysed. Jim, panting, started then to laugh. He slowly, awkwardly got up and looked around. “Locan, I do not mean any offence, but might I borrow your knife? I don't want to dirty my good sword.” Locan grinned, bowed and pulled out his weapon to throw it to his king. Jim caught it easily and slowly walked back, eyeing his opponents.

“My name is Sorren Hart,” Jim said, coldly, his eyes hard and intense, “Do not think for a moment this will be easy, that I will give up and let you take what is mine. You want to become Emperor, you have to win it. Killing me, I'll have you know, is a lot fucking harder than you imagine.” With Locan's long knife Jim knelt and he grinned at Thravan. He caressed the man's cheek and said, “You really never should have called me unworthy, Thravan. I don't take offences lightly.”

And Spock looked on in horror as Jim moved the long knife into position. It was only then he noticed the knife wasn't a swinging knife, it was serrated. Jim started sawing off the man's limbs who screamed and gurgled through blood bubbling out of his mouth. A leg, than the other, two arms, it took so long Spock just wanted the Reklan to die out of mercy. The Admirals flinched and many swore and looked away. He felt Sarek's eyes on him but Spock did not once look away.

Jim grabbed Thravan's hair at the end, barbed hair that cut into his palm. He looked up at the other Reklans, now more alert than ever and he said, “You better fucking bring it or I'm going be sorrily disappointed. I'm not going to die by someone holding back for fear of my human hertiage. You won't be worthy enough to take my life.”

He beheaded the barely alive Reklan and casually brought it to his clan. Swinging it almost joyfully.

“You are clanless and nameless. No other Reklan will provide you shelter or comfort, if you so seek these privileges my men will hunt you down and kill all of you. You have dishonoured your ancestors, your descendants and all those who would call themselves your allies.” Spock saw Jim's hands nervously twitch before he continued, “And yet I am your human king. I am merciful.”

Many Reklans looked harshly at him, questioning, waiting. “I will give you one chance at reviving your honour." Jim spoke against the  murmured objections, "I will take your son and he will be in the queen's service, he will hold your clan's destiny in his hands. If he does not win back his honour and therefore all of yours by the time he reaches maturity, he will join you and you will all be lost forever.” Everyone was tense as the clan fell to their knees in front of him.

Jim turned his gaze onto the other Reklans and asked, “Do I have an agreement that this boy will serve in the queen's service, whether that be my own or one of yours? That you will not kill him or brutally harm him in the years in which he has to grow and learn?” Some said agreements reluctantly, it was the last in line that said loudly, “He will not be harmed or killed. You have my word.” Jim relaxed under the older man's gaze and Spock saw his expression soften for a moment. They knew each other well.

After the Reklan spoke the others agreed louder.

Jim nodded and turned to the boy. There were two sons, the mother was clutching the younger one. He was crying, the older one, roughly nine years of age, stepped forward with his head high. Jim smiled and shook his head making the boy's eyes widen. “You're not who I was talking about young man.” The boy gaped first confused and looked back at his mother who was also looking horrified. She clutched her son to her shaking her head. “He's not ready, he hasn't gone through his morvi'raz. He's untested.”

Jim laughed and said, “You called me child when I became king. I want to see how yours fares.” Jim reached for the small boy and brought him to the middle of the hall. Everyone looked on horrified as, still crying, the boy was stripped of his clothes after Jim put down his father's head to grab his hair.

“How old are you Zaikmoor?”

He hiccoughed and called out stuttering, “Adet.”

“Standard.” Jim commanded as he started scalping the boy.

The boy winced and cried out, fidgeting under the rough assault. “Fi-five, Emperor.”

“Do you understand what is required of you?” The boy tried to nod but it made the knife cut across his scalp. “Ye-ye-yes.”

“Good.”

Bald, bleeding, pure black and shaking, the boy kept crying. Spock felt a pain in his side and squeezed his armrests tightly. “Jesus.” He heard Leonard say before he swore. “What's your name?”

“Tan-Tannis.” Jim nodded and said, “You will not go by that any longer. Now you have no name, you are nameless, Zaikmoor, and will be summoned and called so. Do you understand?” The boy took a long time to reply but he did eventually. He nodded and Jim said calmly and coldly, “Very well. Take the coward's head to your queen and bow before her.”

Shaking, the boy trembled so hard, Spock was calculating the odds of him dropping the head. He swallowed thickly, but he managed to carry out Jim's order without stumbling. Adalyn nodded and said, “Locan, please cover him.” Spock was grateful her voice showed some hesitance but she also showed her own coldness when she kicked the head of the warrior so that it rolled down the stairs and away from her. The boy flinched.

Then, as Jim turned giving his back to the dead warrior and his clan, so too did all the Reklans. The audience figdetted and were wondering if they too should turn, though no one did. The clan Drai'Thra got up from their knees and walked out with only the backs of everyone shown to them. The boy-Tannis rushed back calling out, “Masi, Masi! Masi” Jim grabbed him in time to stop him. Spock did not need a translator to know he was calling for his mother. Her entire body tensed up, but she kept her head high, not once looking back. Only his brother did right before the door shut on them. The boy slumped against Jim and Jim picked him up, getting looks from the others.

“Morlin, could you please take the boy to the far side of the room.” A warrior came up and did so, setting him down away from everyone else. Jim sighed, rolled his head and then calmly twisted his arm until everyone heard a snap. “That's better.” He felt, more than saw Leonard wince and then groan as Jim made another snap in his wrist on the other arm.

“So,” Jim called out cheerily, making everyone either wince or look on shocked, “Who's next?” Jim changed once again, no longer holding back Spock could hardly predict his weaknesses. He defeated three more Reklors almost with ease. The next two took longer and now Spock could tell Reklans had a weakness around their chests and necks, that Jim expertly used against them.

Jim beat number twelve ruthlessless, almost barbarically, smashing in his face. He was panting, tired and winded, his broken bones were now up to six, with at least four fractured ribs. Many cuts adored his face and Spock assumed he was bleeding behind his armour as well. He got up slowly, shaking his head as another challenger came at him and he spun quickly.

Spock did not know when he edged forward but he felt his father reach for him a half hour later. Spock finally glanced away from the fighting to see that he was splintering the wood beneath him. He made himself relax and edged back into his seat. It was getting harder for him to control his heart rate. Jim had made history, no doubt, when he cut number fifteen's throat. Another woman, she had been a hard opponent. Jim staggered and Spock saw the knife in Jim's side.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Leonard whispered to himself.

Spock tensed as Jim stumbled once again, he looked down and stared at the knife blankly. Then, as Leonard stopped himself from calling out, Jim made a quick decision to snap off the head of the blade. A difficult feat and one that made Jim pant and shake. The next enemy bowed deeply. The last couple of warriors had been more wary, more respectful to Jim. No one was underestimating him any longer.

“Rythi, son of Adaen, Clan Mor'Kaat. My second; Torli.” Jim took a second to wipe blood out of his eyes, though all it did was smear it more across his face. He was covered with black and red blood. Spock grew, if possible, more worried. Jim was unsteady and shaking, visibly tired and worn. His assailant was younger than the last two, rested and eager to win.

Rythi shifted from one foot to the other, his eyes narrowed thoughtfully as Jim, slower than usual, circled him. Spock tightened his hold on his chair as Nyota reached for him, her worry spread through the contact and it took all his willpower not to move away from it. Rythi attacked, quick and lethal, each blow he ran down on Jim made him retreat and tremble. Spock could see the shaking of his broken arm and he constantly switched between it and the other which had a broken wrist. Spock's heart accelerated when Jim fell and he quickly kicked out at the younger man before reaching up to graze his sword against Rythi's arm.

Rythi too, switched sword arms and backed off. Once more they circled, both men looking for an opening and trying not to stumble on the bodies underneath their feet. Jim lunged forward and swung only to be blocked and then he dodged right to miss a small knife going for his thigh. They fought fiercely and barrelled into each other. Jim got caught three more times, and each time Spock thought he'd lose him.

Concentrating twenty eight percent of his mind on his breathing and heart rate, Spock grew increasingly angry at the fact he could not devote all of his concentration on what was happening. Sarek reached out to put a hand on his arm, stabilizing him and Spock barely felt it. It was in a single moment that Jim took his gifted opening fifteen minutes later. Before Spock or any other could spot it, Jim lunged just as Rythi slipped slightly on the blood coating the floor.

Quicker than anyone expected, Jim was directly in front of the younger man and shoved his sword through Rythi's neck.

Everyone paused for a moment and then Jim fell heavily to the ground. His leg, that had been kicked by Rythi shook and he rolled over, panting loudly, clearly heard across the room. Jim struggled to sit up and coughed up blood. Another curse sounded from Leonard. Wincing and clenching his jaw, Jim grabbed his leg and twisted it. Spock only just stopped himself from outwardly wincing at the snapping noise.

Jim moaned loudly, falling back to the ground. After a few moments, the next opponent came forward. Spock's barriers were thin after the last four hours of fighting. He felt everyone's emotions battering against his mind, his own were in turmoil. He almost stood as the older man approached Jim.

Shock swept through the room then as the man leaned down and helped Jim up. Jim took his help without hesitating, hissing, groaning and cursing, but willingly. “Does anyone have any objection to the Emperor being healed of his most damaging of wounds?” The man asked, making many people's eyes widen. No one, however, objected. The man nodded, holding up Jim who looked utterly limb in his embrace.

“Locan, come, heal his stab wounds and his leg. When I win, I will not have you call me a coward.”

Locan nodded, running up to Jim and sitting him down on the throne that Nevine and Mikas brought down to the middle of the arena. Jim groaned as they took off his armour and everyone winced at seeing the body once pale, now it was utterly black and blue with red and purple splotches. Blood covered his chest. Five stab wounds, but only one that Reklans deemed 'most damaged', Jim winced as they covered his wounds with a sort of past that was black and blue. Minerals of some sort.

Spock noticed Leonard had stood up fully, craning his neck to see what was happening. The doctor obviously did not like anyone taking over his most foremost patient.

When they uncovered his leg, it was black as well, in several places but with a alien type of laser they only healed the largest spot. Jim sighed, looking relieved but now he also looked more than tired, more than worn.

Jim, Spock could tell, was done.

The shaking that started an hour ago, now moved his whole body so that his teeth chattered. His skin underneath the bruising and blood was worryingly pale. His blue eyes were shockingly bright. Jim managed to smile up at the last opponent and said, “I hoped it'd be you.”

The man smiled back, completely at ease and Spock immediately hated him completely. Sarek squeezed him arm, letting him know he was broadcasting his emotions. He heard a sound from somewhere near him, but ignored it, concentrating on what was going to happen.

“I did to. Another war, while manageable was not what I was looking forward to.”

Jim laughed, but it came out chocked and gravelly. Then, Jim turned serious as his men left him to go back to their places, the two men looked entirely reluctant to leave. Jim didn't move, instead, he asked, “Why?”

The man tensed, now looking solemn as he slowly replied, “When you first came to us, you were lost. It didn't take you long to gain a place with us and you took it gladly, fully. I saw the love you had of your Unaligned, I saw their respect of you. It's is not such an easy thing to gain from those people, not then, not now. I watched you lead in battle, listened when you planned. You are, truly, the greatest leader I have come across since Adonis. Had I not given my blood oath to him, it would have been to you.”

Jim nodded and he waited.

“Then you decided to leave. It was an action I understood for your race. You were young, younger perhaps, than we understood. You needed to explore more, needed to see more. I understood it would be beneficial for our leader to gain more experience.” Jim smiled, sadly and knowingly, as he said quietly, “You, like others, thought I'd come back.”

The man nodded slowly.

“You joined Star Fleet. And you stayed with it, becoming Captain. There was a rumour of a five year mission that would take you far away from us.”

Jim sighed heavily and he repeated, “I joined Star Fleet.”

“You never understood, did you?" Jim said quietly, "I didn't leave because I wanted to. I didn't leave because I wanted more. I left because I found a home on Reklor, I found a family I'd die for. You accepted me completely, utterly, it's something I haven't forgotten.”

The man frowned and asked, “Then why leave?”

Jim laughed a hollow, dry laugh, “For the same reason I joined Star Fleet. I didn't want to kill anymore. Because I'd die for you all, but I'd burn planets to ash for you, as well. I'd be your Fire King, your Norep, any slight against you would have had my sword covered with blood. I would have done exactly what The Nameless wanted. I would have been him.”

Spock frowned as the man's eyes widened. He went down to one knee and formally bowed to Jim. Slowly, he rose and sadly he said solemnly, “You will not come back home, will you?” Jim looked utterly agonized as he looked at all the Reklans. Everyone was looking at him, just as lost. “I have left you with an excellent Queen, a loyal council, intelligent, fair and just. I have left the ideas and ideals I treasure. But no, no, I will never walk through the fields of Rhu'al or see the mountain peaks of Coluthk. I will never again step foot on Reklan soil and for that, know that it does more than just sadden me.”

The man nodded, sighing and said, “Know that if you had changed your mind, I would have followed you to death.”

Jim rose, unsteady and obviously in pain, he reached out and the two men clasped their wrists together in a Reklan solute. Jim walked forward and it was now obvious that he was not putting back on his armour. Leonard called out automatically and Jim, instead of paying attention to him, said to his oponent, “It's easier to breathe this way.”

Jim faced the man and he nodded then undid his own armour and put down his helmet. “If this is what you wish, I will fight you as an equal.” Jim nodded and the man spoke again. “Hailian, son of Ryche, Clan Dra'Tov. Second; Avan, my only son.”

Spock kept his shock inside but others gasped. Hailian was Jim's own adviser.

Spock closed his eyes, still seeing Jim's bloody body, still hearing loud panting coming from him. Opening them, he saw Hailian, confident and calm, strike.

This was a battle in which was extraordinary. Spock would have been fanscinated in any other situation. Had this been just training, had there been no blood on Jim's body, or dead men and women littering the floor. They were both quick, but it became obvious, just as quickly who would win.

Jim fell by the fourth blow and Hailian allowed him to take his time getting back up. Another snap sounded a moment later when Hailian managed to strike Jim in the ribs with his forearm. Jim grunted and Spock watched as his wounds opened up again.

Spock clenched his hands tighter as he fought to urge to move, to attack Hailian himself. He was Jim's second, he was his friend, he was meant to protect him. Spock concentrated fifty two of his concentration in keeping himself expressionless and in his seat.

Jim gasped as Hailian swiped at him and then kicked out. Jim, once again fell, landing hard. He got to his knees, before Hailian swung and disarmed him before swinging again. Jim dodged it, weaponless and without energy. He landed face down on the ground, panting and visibly clenching his body to stop his shaking.

Spock made a gasp before he held it back. His father tightened his grip but Spock's mind went blank.

In the seconds that followed, Jim looked up at him. Those blue eyes had held every emotion over the course of the two and half years they've known each other. He memorized almost every facial cue, every smile. He categorized every little detail of Jim, to better understand him, to better understand humans. To know when to reach out and know how to make him smile. Spock was light-headed, his breathing erratic.

Jim looked up at him and Spock knew without having to meld with him, Spock knew Jim was apologizing.

Spock shook his head slightly, his eyes wide, he tried, he tried his best to tell Jim, to order him not to give up. He couldn't give up. Jim Kirk did not ever give up. Hailian was the last one.

_Please, Jim, please, for me._

Spock felt his eyes watering as Jim lowered his head and Hailian stepped forward. “I will not dishonour you, my king. Rise.” Jim shook and there were several snaps as he tried to make his body rise one final time. Everyone was silent, holding their breaths, wide-eyed at what was about to happen. Spock tried catching Jim's eyes, but he was solely concentrating on Hailian.

“Goodbye.”

Jim's voice was horse and broken as he replied, “Goodbye, my friend.”

Spock couldn't control what happened next. He lunged forward, focused solely on Jim. He had to get to him, this couldn't happen!

“James!”

His father caught him before he moved more than a single step and he fought his father's stronger grip only to freeze.

Hailian surged forward with his sword just as Jim rose, raising his arm, he manoeuvred the sword towards his stomach instead his chest. In one fluid motion, Jim threw himself onto Hailian's sword, reached down and grabbed Hailian's dagger in his belt and stabbed him in the back of the neck. Everyone stood frozen as the two men stood for a moment before both fell to the ground.

Spock was frightened he would crumble without his father's hold on him, he gasped loudly.

Spock could only stare as Locan and Avan rushed forward. Both men looked at each other as they checked vital signs.

Locan called out, “Here! Now!”

Everyone was in motion then. Jim's five took him up to the dais and started treating him, applying all kinds of salves and other equipment Spock was not certain of. Hailian's family joined their second and sat beside the body. It took five minutes, with Jim attached to a blood bag (his own blood) before Spock heard Jim moan.

He felt as if he were only then breathing.

Sarek finally released him and Spock, trembling, sat down heavily. He saw then that he splintered and broke the armrests of his chair. Blinking, he paid attention to the crowd to see them glancing at him. He spent five point one percent banishing the blush in which wished to rise. Another ten minutes passed before Spock heard Jim's voice and with Leonard cursing again, Jim sat up. He was pale and blinking as if blinded slightly, but more steady than he had been. His attention went to Hailian's group.

When Jim spoke, it was loud, clear and strong, “Do we have another challenge?” Many admiralty gasped, Spock tensed. Hailian's second rose along with his wife. She touched his arm and walked forward. “Avan is young, so allow me to speak.” Jim smiled and said, “I always love to hear from you Lylee.” Lylee nodded, she turned with a sorrowful expression at her husband.

“Did you plan this?”

Jim looked ready to fall asleep as he asked, “Which?” Lylee nodded to the amour laying on the ground.

Jim sighed and replied slowly, “I knew if there was any chance in defeating Hailian, it would have to be without armour. He's too-he was too strong, too great an opponent to win even on my best day. I knew if I took my armour off, and I did need to, then he would follow suit. He was the most honourable man I knew on Reklor.”

Lylee nodded and said, “You tricked him.”

Jim nodded and he finally glanced back at Spock before he replied, “I have been called a cheat before.” Spock's lips twitched before he could control it.

“Do you wish to say I won unfairly?” Everyone waited, silent, when Lylee spoke it was hesitant, “No. You won by using your mind against my husband, if not your body. It is still a win. An honourable one, My Trickster.”

Jim smiled slightly, “Very well. I will have a statue built of him and his name will be carved into the great wall next to Adonis' for his courage and his leadership.” Lylee looked shocked at what must have been a great honour. Hailian's clan all bowed low to Jim and they were followed by the rest of the Reklan's in the room.

Jim rose with Adalyn beside him and he said, “This day has lost many great and good warriors. They will never be forgotten.” He then surprised the Reklans by bowing to Adalyn herself. It took ten minutes for the hall to be completely cleaned. The Reklans had specially made small disks that went around the room, collecting blood. Jim decided that none of it was savagable, though Spock could not deem a purpose where blood would be otherwise when littered on the floor. He then offered his own cremation bed for the warriors as they did not wish to taint anything with Thravan's body.

Hailian was the first to be cremated on a strange hovering, metal cot that rolled in on itself when not in use. It didn't light up, but once everyone backed away a blue laser scanned the body and after a beep it completely and immediately turned the warrior into ashes.

Many of the audience jumped at that.

It took less than ten minutes, each family collected their loved ones ashes in brought jars.

Then all that was left was Thravan.

Jim stood up from his throne, once more naked, covered with blood and face serious, his wounds only half healed, he looked everything like a Reklan Emperor should look. Spock found himself entranced by the new person he saw in place of Jim. He swallowed as Jim stepped down the few stairs, his muscles rippling and blood trailing down his body. Jim had never looked more certain, more strong than he did in that moment and Spock tensed as he realized the emotion he was experiencing wasn't fascination, not entirely, he shocked himself by feeling a wave of strong arousal and possession towards Jim.

A dark emotion rose as he hugged his men. Jim was now clothed in rich red silk showcasing his chest and new scars, blood still dripping down his body, he smiled and looked for once completely open and loving towards his Reklans.

Jim made Thravan's son, Tannis drag his father's body onto what was deemed a lesser cot, originally meant for all of them.

Every other Reklan turned their backs as Jim waited, patiently for minutes for the young boy to complete the agonizing task. He cried throughout it and Jim remained silent. Tannis then retrieved his father's legs, arms, and head, holding them all far away from his body, looking scared and alone. He sniffed as his father, unlike the others was covered with a sheet Jim had pulled off a nearby table set back into the wall.

Jim leaned down and handed Tannis his father's knife. The boy didn't reach for it, instead, he looked around at everyone's backs and over to them. “Don't worry,” said Jim sounding very old, “No one will punish you or deem you unworthy to keep a possession of your old clan. This is the only thing you are permitted in your life to have of them. You may throw it away or keep it close but know it is apart of you, whether you learn to live with that is your own burden to bare.”

The boy slowly accepted the knife and he clutched it as the laser scanned his father. Unlike the others, Jim didn't look away though Locan tried to make him. He stayed facing Thravan with his hand heavy on the boy's shoulder.

Once Thravan's ashed were carelessly thrown off the balcony, ignoring the Admiralty's complaints, Jim turned to them and said, “Well then, how about that treaty we were planning?”

Spock leaned back into his broken chair, thankful he could recognize his best friend once more.

Thankful he still had one.

__

* * *

**Translation:**

Thravan;

"Outsider/Alien, when I am Emperor, I will do what you fear. I will raise Reklor to heights the galaxy cannot imagine. My rule will be told through centuries as the one who was honourable enough, strong enough to lay waste to unworthy scum, such as yourself. I will burn through your special humans, and then I will target your beloved race and fully eradicate those Vulcans from existence."

"You are not worthy/ a coward. You are unworthy, fearful and weak."

Zaikmoor-Nameless


	11. Help.

Alive.

Jim couldn't believe it. He had planned on dying, he'd made peace with the idea. But looking at Spock, Spock who told him silently to fight, to not give in. Spock, who would have known Jim gave up. Jim would have died knowing Spock wouldn't forgive him for that. Still, Jim had never been in a more suicidal state of mind. He had killed Hailian. One of his longest allies, even a friend. Hailian had been calm and understanding. He never judged, never moved against him as some of Adonis' core supporters had done, even though Adalyn was his wife. His friends, his people, all gone because of him.

 

Because he chose Star Fleet. Because he chose to be human.

Jim hadn't moved from where he laid down, he didn't have enough energy to move. Mentally, his mind was finished with him, there were no headaches, no pounding, now there was just agony. For a long time, he curled into himself, shaking and crying. Then it went up a notch and Jim screamed. He should have died, he should have, he fucking deserved a moment of peace in his life. Jim's life had ended at thirteen, his mind claimed and chained. He had once thought he was free and now all he wanted was for the pain to stop. He wanted for his friends to trust him again, to stop thinking that Jim needed unravelling for them to know him. He knew they'd never see him the same way, not anymore, there was too much now. Jim had done this, his past had taken over any future he could have had once.

Jim stopped thinking, he wasn't capable of it, still bloody from the day, still hurt from his half healed wounds, he found himself in the shower and blurry-eyed, he turned it on and passed out.

The next day was worse, Jim went in and out of consciousness. He heard T'Pau's voice telling him he could be normal again and he yelled at her for lying to him. He saw his mother's face and didn't have it in him to reach for her, but he did Spock.

The man's face was clear as day, worried, extremely worried, for Jim could see it plainly on his face. Jim smiled at that outward rarity. Choked and raw, his head now ready to explode, Jim thought maybe Tevik was going through Pon Farr again. _Please, god, don't let me go through that again_. He heard Spock's voice from far away and though he couldn't make out the words, the tone was soothing to him. Jim knew he was dreaming, or maybe hallucinating, he didn't know how much time passed and he laughed out loud at the old sensation at not being able to tell the time.

Maybe he was still fourteen, maybe he was still trapped in his own hell.

It could be.

His eyes sought deep, worried, brown eyes and he spoke, barely aloud, “Help...” Jim closed his eyes and let his mind drift away from him.

* * *

 

There was a soft warm wind trying to brush against him. Jim didn't know if he liked it or not, the warmth reminded him of Tarsus at first, then it turned to picnicking with Amanda. Maybe warmth was good, it was gentle and Jim was thankful at the soothing feeling. It calmed his raw skin and his too dry and irritated eyes. Jim turned and suddenly he felt an overwhelming sensation of calm, he caught his breath as his mind settled and the landscape around him turned from black emptiness to the observatory on the Enterprise.

Jim let out a deep sigh and sat down heavily on the couch. His body was tired and heavy but his mind, for the first time in what felt like years, wasn't trying to drive him insane. Shutting his eyes, he let his head fall back and smiled, knowing who caused the dip beside him. “I feel a lot better. I don't want to open my eyes again.”

“I am afraid you have to.”

Jim chuckled and said, “No, I don't. I know you're still mad at me so I'm just going to sleep until you're not.” Jim felt his whole body relax and even when that old part of him lurched up, telling him to protect himself, telling him to stay alert and not show Spock his weaknesses, Jim laid down, his legs in Spock's lap. “If that is what you insist, then know that I am no longer angry with you.”

Jim snorted, not falling for it. He felt Spock's hand on his knee and stretched, letting his sore joints pop. Maybe Bones was right and he'd get early arthritis from his 'unnecessary' adventures, as he called them.

“I thought Vulcans weren't supposed to lie.”

Jim opened his eyes, to see Spock looking intently down at him. “I am not. I have mediated, though, I will need more dedication to it in the future, I have come to the realization that you felt trapped and felt as if you could not speak of what conspired before you met me. I understand your reasoning behind keeping your past private. I have learned from your trials on Tarsus, that you are resilient and strong. You travelled to Casven in your teens and when you were emotional, you lashed out. I can conclude from your scars that you fought, severely, and while you gained battle experience you should never have been in that situation at your age, or ever.

“I also know that you dedicated time in exploring your limits, your fierce mind, when you created one of the top companies from the ground up, in less time than most companies even begin to become of market value. You, Jim Kirk, are one of the most emotional, loyal, illogical, brilliant, and truly intimating men I have ever come across. You are all those things and most of all, Jim, you are truly admirable.”

Jim snorted, feeling more and more lost and yet utterly captivated by what his best friend said to him. No one had ever said that to him, ever.

“I really don't think you're paying attention, Mr. Spock.” Spock shook his head and replied, “It is not I who is not paying attention. I know how you react Jim and I know you wanted to leave us not twenty-four hours ago. You do not need to be punished for what happened on Reklor. What you did, was what you are, what you always will do.”

“Murder.”

Spock shook his head and said calmly and softly, “Protecting those you love. You will always see the big picture and will never stand to see the right way be trampled on, no matter what it takes to make it so. You might have gone to war, but you fought with the most important purpose and for one so young to understand that, is truly remarkable. Now, open your eyes.”

Jim frowned and soon he felt a lurching feeling, off centre and nauseous, he found himself not on the Enterprise but in his apartment in San Francisco. Frowning, his head groggy, Jim took note that he was lying in bed and that Spock was real, and inside his apartment, over him...his hand moving form his temple.

Jim felt a whole wave of fear and his eyes widened. “You were in my head!”

Spock winced at the loudness of his tone and Jim quickly sat up. His head was numb, almost cushioned somehow, he didn't feel any pain. “I apologize for the intrusion, you commed me and asked for my help. I had to spend fifteen point four minutes trying to get through your security.” Jim's brows went up and he looked around him.

The place was a mess, broken everything was around him. Chairs, tables, glass from mirrors. He had trashed the place. Even the mattress was on the floor. Jim licked his lips and asked, “How'd you know where I live?”

This wasn't his show apartment, not the one he brought his crew and women to. This was a duplicate of his Zanna Mi apartment. Locked security and parcels of highly classified artifacts that he liked or had a past connection to, were sent here. His lab was upstairs along with many illegal chemicals and products. “Your comm was still open and I managed to trace it after several minutes. The rest was trial and error.”

Jim nodded and repeated, “You were in my head.” Spock frowned, barely, and nodded. “Jim, you were unconscious and I could not get you to respond. I needed to know what was wrong and I planned on comming Doctor McCoy after a I understood what your aliment was.”

Jim nodded again and replied snarly, “Figured that one out, did you?”

Spock looked away and said quietly, “Your mind...it's not what I expected.” That answer threw him and Jim looked away from the Vulcan. “You are truly a genius, and perceptive of the telepathic links that generally don't develop in humans. Your mind, while slightly organized for a human is full of emotion, it's like an ocean, mixing and lapping against my mind and yet held back, slightly, almost breaking through a thin barrier in which you've erected around yourself. I've never seen a mind like yours before. You're utterly consumed with being under control, I never knew that about you, not to this extent. It's quite fascinating.”

Jim tensed and waited for Spock to either stop or continue. Spock looked right at him and said the one thing that made Jim not be able to face him. “You were bonded. For a long time.”

Jim swallowed thickly. In the corner of his eye, Spock shifted, making Jim tense and move so that Spock was in his view. Spock raised a brow and asked, “Do you no longer trust me, James?” Jim looked up at him and let all of his fear show on his face. Jim spoke quietly but very seriously and most of all, he spoke truthfully, “Every time I trust someone, they either die or betray me. Literally. I've been waiting for Bones to walk away since the day I told him I consider us friends. I really don't want to watch you do that.”

Spock looked for the first time completely sorrowful as he said slowly and surely, “I will never willingly leave your side, Jim. You can trust me and if you wish, I can try to help you with your headaches. I believe that is what my counterpart was helping you with, am I correct?” Jim looked down and nodded. Slowly but steadily, Spock reached out and Jim flinched but let Spock touch his face. Spock's hand was oddly soft, slightly cool and most of all, gentle as he cupped his cheek and made Jim face him fully.

“You have no reason to ever fear me.”

Jim took a deep breath and slowly, so slowly he moved until finally, he leaned into Spock's embrace and for the first time in a long while let himself be held by someone.

* * *

 

Jim woke up warm and smiled as he felt a familiar weight over his chest. Although, the last time he felt it, Spock had been one hundred and sixty-nine. Against his back, Spock shifted, most likely woken up by Jim's rising mind. Jim groaned and mumbled out, “I don't want to get up.” Spock tightened his hold on Jim, nuzzled into his neck and breathed out, “Okay.”

Jim smiled into his pillow and then quickly bolted up.

Someone had gasped.

Spock too, was now wide awake, and both of them were wide-eyed at the group looking at them. Jim gaped his attention first focusing on Sarek, who raised his brows at both of them, then at Nyota who's mouth was, likewise, wide. Jim turned to Spock, shirtless and mused and then looked back at Nyota and called out, “We did not in any way sleep together!”

Spock looked to him quickly, which in human terms wasn't good body language and Jim saw Nyota's eyes widen more so Jim kicked off the blankets to show the both of them clothed on the bottom. Or at least Spock was, Jim was in his boxers.

“See. Not, not at all.” He was only then reminded his body was on view, newly scarred to his friends. “Not a poacher,” Jim mumbled under his breath and now Spock shook his head, getting up, much more composed than he was.

“Good morning. Might I enquire as to how you all found Jim's place? And secondly, why you arrived?”

Jim saw Jenna who was smirking over at him and she raised her hand as she said, “Oh, that was on me, Mr. Spock. I, stupidly thought Jim might need support right now with everything going on. I tracked these guys having breakfast and talking about him at a cafe a few blocks over. Thought they'd like to see him but I see you were comforting him well enough.” She grinned as Jim groaned and wiped his face.

His headache wasn't present but there was a distant pressure telling him it'd be back. Jim stood, once more revealing his old (new) body to his friends and Bones immediately came forward. Jim was surprised at the clear worry Bones showed as he touched the bruised and nearly healed stab wounds. “You should have let them heal you completely. Here,” Bones was about to reach for a dermal regenerator when Jim stopped him. “Don't worry about it, Bones, I'm fine. Trust me, I've had worse.” Bones winced and his eyes scanned his scars. “You always said that, right from the moment I met you.” Bones shook his head. “I just...I just didn't expect this.”

Jim looked down and swallowed hard as he said, “I'm sorry.”

The weight of his past, of being what he was, of knowing how alone he had been and knowing he wouldn't truly ever move on made his eyes start watering again. He had cried all day yesterday, most of last night, he shouldn't have more tears left. Bones drew in him in a hug and Jim let his walls down and sobbed heavily. “I'm really sorry Bones. I never wanted to be a monster. It wasn't meant to be that way. I knew Adonis was going to be trapped in a standoff, I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen...I just, I just couldn't let him sign the treaty. You have...you have to believe me, I just wanted the peace to last this time. I wanted my clan's deaths to mean something.”

Bones rubbed his scarred back as Jim choked his words out for the first time and he listened as the older man called him endearments and told him everything was okay. “I didn't mean anything I said last week Jim. I don't know what it's like to be in a situation like that. I don't know what I would do. But you and I aren't alike, I don't have your mind, I don't have your strength, not any of it when I was seventeen. I could never have thought that far enough. You did everything you could to save your people and that's what matter's Jim. You did good. You did good, little brother.”

Jim cried for a bit longer, until he caught his breath and then still shaking was able to let go of Bones. He looked down and thankfully Bones moved so that he was blocked by the group. He wiped his cheeks and eyes quickly while Bones rubbed his arms. Soon after, Jenna clapped her hands once, loudly and smiling said, “So, who wants to take this to the equally destroyed living room?”

Jim winced, once again seeing all the destruction he wrought, half unconscious in pain.

The living room wasn't equally bad, it was worse.

His PADD and holo screen were destroyed and smoking slightly, the couch was on it's side and fluff was everywhere, glass and wood piece littered the floor. The only untouched area was Saros' alter he still kept on a raised platform at one side of the living room. He noticed the Vulcans gazes flicker toward it and Jim sighed, rubbing his forehead.

Jenna, having no problem with the ruined space, made her way toward a broken chair and sat down on the cushion. She pulled out her comm unit and looked around the space before asking, “Do you want the Indigo or Diamond plans?”

Jim immediately winced at that sentence, drawing his blanket tighter around him. He felt like an utter failure. He was supposed to be a captain, for fuck's sake, what would his cadets think of him when he smelt like the wrong end of a bottle, his fingers still stained with blood and his apartment looking like he had a war inside it.

“Indigo.”

She nodded and pushed a button on speed dial. Sulu looked at him curiously but Jim just sat down at the coffee table, it was perfectly cut in half and Jim wondered at how he did that. He couldn't remember most of the day he locked himself in here.

“What's Indigo?” Scotty asked, sitting down as well, with the rest of the group following. Spock sidestepped Bones and stole his spot beside him. Jim gave him a small smile and Spock raised his head.

“It's designs,” Jenna replied having finished her conversation with Damon, she looked so casual, Jim just let his head fall in his hands as she continued, “Jim used to do this a lot back in the day. We set up a system that has a full design of a new apartment. Everything down to the exact detail. New kitchen, new flooring, new furniture, new paint and all done within three hours. Damon's our stylist, always on call and has a team of up to a hundred and twenty people at any given time. I suggest we pay him double due to the short notice.” Jim just nodded without looking up. He felt Spock's hand find his arm and Jim let his hands fall as he raised his head to look at him.

“When did you wreck your apartment?” Carol asked, her gaze going over everything.

Jim shrugged and said hollowly, “Mostly before the Academy. A couple of times in the first year and usually on anniversaries. It's been a few years since I did this.” _I thought I was over it_ , Jim wanted to say but kept his mouth closed. He stood up and said, “I need to check on my clothes.”

“Don't bother,” Jenna replied, “I remembered what happened last time.”

She handed him clothes from her purse and continued in that casual voice of hers, “A new wardrobe will be here in twenty minutes. I may or may not have made you more fashionable, by the way. And I got you an exact copy of your leather jacket, don't worry.” Jim nodded, he went and got changed, it was a cashmere sweater and well made tailored jeans. Great, she really did take over his wardrobe.

Oh well, Jim thought, he didn't have enough energy to care.

When he got out of the bathroom (wrecked as well), everyone was standing by the door, Jenna was pointing around going over the plan with Damon and Damon grinned seeing him. “Oh, lovely, I am so sorry you're feeling under the weather. Don't worry about any of this.” Damon kissed him on both cheeks and Jim returned the gesture feeling his lips twitch in a smile as he was confronted full blast with Damon's engaging personality.

“I will handle everything. Now go have some brunch and get a spa day. By the time you come back, you won't even remember that drab design, it's a new year and time for a change anyway.” Jim did finally smile and said as usual, “I don't want anyone to touch anything Vulcan in nature.”

Jim hesitated, his eyes falling on Saros' alter. It had been four and a half months since Saros died. It wasn't long and yet it felt like a full year already. He still pictured talking to him, still dreamt about him but he also knew he needed to let go. Saros had never been his, never planned on being his. Jim sighed heavily, he looked down at his floor seeing those same engravings as his Zanna Mi apartment.

Vulcan text in white were enlaid in the floor and Jim found the most important one right then, Kaiidth.

No more running, no more fantasy.

Just what is.

Jim shut his eyes, nodded to himself and said, “You know what... Pack everything you see with Vulcan origins and send it to the Vulcan High Council. I want all of it gone by the time I get back.” Damon, used to Jim being utterly protective over his artifacts, gaped and then caught himself and nodded sharply. “Very well,” he said but still he couldn't help but ask, “Are you sure?” Jim nodded, looking away from his nightmare of last night and walked out the damaged and busted in door. He noticed his keypad was fried. Turning to Spock, he saw Spock raise a brow at him as he replied, “Your programming is extremely thoughtful.” Jim managed a grin and said, “I totally stumped you on that, didn't I?”

Spock didn't hesitate as he replied, “You did.”

* * *

 

They all spent the day together. Though Jenna left halfway through, she did get an uneasy welcome from everyone. She was slightly too on edge for everyone to feel comfortable around. But Jim found comfort in her presence. She understood him, understood what he'd been through more than perhaps anyone.

Sarek, after many conversations on the council, on the latest physic's laws on Zata Four (Spock was the most interested) and telling Jim how well Soraya was fairing (more than exceptional) had to leave for his own duties. “I will be leaving later this day, Soraya does not like to have me gone for very long. She has connected to T'Pau and in my absence trails her. But she does prefer my closeness. You will comm me when you return to your ship?” Sarek asked Spock and Spock nodded in return. “Safe travels, father.” “As to you.”

Finally, they just walked around the city, finding little hide away gardens and tables in the huge public libraries. They had dinner and snacks. At midnight, they decided to watch a holovid at the theatre. Jim was just starting to relax when they all, without objecting, decided to have a group sleep over at his place. Jim was allowed (after much grumbling by Bones) to go to the liquor mart and they each got something. When they arrived, everyone was chatting, Jim had answered questions upon questions about what happened on Reklor, how he had gotten there and what he did as the Emperor.

He left out The Crucible, though everyone knew he knew Gary Mitchel, they thought it was purely from the famine. He left out Tevik completely, skipping over him just seemed second nature now. He left out his torture and was thankful Spock hadn't seen that in his mind.

Jim stopped mid-sentence and Spock tensed beside him, stepping forward as if meaning to protect him. Everyone else soon stopped talking as well.

Admiral Archer was seated in his new dark navy couch. Admiral Bennett and Tanner were there as well and Barrett was standing looking grim by the window. Admiral Brooks looked ready to smile. There were twenty men with phasers on their hips in different points throughout his living room. “Admirals, what can I do for you? I assume this is important since you've invited yourselves in.”

Barrett, always slightly more reasonable, replied, “We've been here a couple hours. I'm sorry Jim, but under Star Fleet Law, you've broken at least three of our codes. We have no choice in the matter.”

“You can't be serious!” Scotty called out, looking shocked.

Spock stepped in front of Jim fully and Archer shook his head, saying, “Spock you know the law. Jim is a god damned Emperor of an entire planet. He's in breach of having conflicting interest, to say the least.”

“There is no law stating a ruling member of any planet cannot join Star Fleet.”

Brooks snorted and said, “Most Kings and Queens don't want to join the Fleet, they tend to have their own. Unless they wish to influence in certain matters.” Jim tensed and said, “Are you accusing me of being a Reklan spy?” Bones snorted and said, “That's ridiculous. He's not even Reklan.” Barrett gazed sadly at Bones and said to Jim, “Jim, are you Reklan?”

Jim kept his mouth shut, he breathed deeply and reached out to touch Spock.

Spock glared back at him and Jim smiled. “You can't protect from this, Spock. Thanks, though.”

“Jim.”

Jim shook his head and stepped forward. “Alright. You can arrest me.”

Tanner stepped forward and winced as she cuffed him. “Sorry about this.” She said quietly, louder she said, “James Tiberius Kirk you are being charged for deceitful conduct including but not limited to; lying to Star Fleet officials to gain entry into the Fleet, bribing and extorting Star Fleet officers, hacking into various systems to erase your own personal files as well as interference in a inter-galactic peacekeeping armada, from a race in which did not have a treaty with any Federation planets at the time. You have to right to ask for a lawyer, to demand a fair trail, to remain silent and know that anything you say or do to incriminate yourself will be used against you. Do you understand what I have said to you?”

Jim looked Admiral Kristin Tanner and nodded. Clearly, he said aloud, “I understand.”


	12. No Good Deed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanl you everyone who is commenting! Please people let me know what you guys are thinking! I love to hear from you, good, bad, critic wise. Go ahead. And yes, lots and lots of updates! I leave in three days so I'm trying to give it all to you guys as soon as possible. If I don't finish it by then, I'll have to check up to all of you in September because I am going abroad!!! Again, Thank You All!!

Jim sat in a cell with white walls. He was thankful Spock melded with him because he could take only so much of being paranoid. He moved several times, his gaze kept going to the camera's watching him and every time a guard came or passed he grew tense and flinched. He told himself to calm down, to take deep breathes.

Running his fingers over his crescent marks calmed him the most. His skin still felt tight and itchy from the lasers of getting them back. Jenna, he was sure made it more painful than it had to be. He liked them, he hadn't known how much he did miss them until he saw himself naked in Sana Kor's San Francisco's lab. He looked so much like... himself. He knew the others were horrified and even concerned but he finally felt good in his own skin.

As it was, the only pain he was in now was due to the two largest wounds he had. Hailian's sword had run him through but Jiva's had got him right under his lung, between his ribs. Both, while being healed mostly, were going to need a few more days to stop being completely sore. His other wounds, scratches, bruises and cuts didn't bother him hardly any. In a way, he had missed this and he proved it by showing everyone Sorren Hart.

Jim closed his eyes and let his head fall back to the wall and he had to open them quickly hearing Sivath's voice in his mind. He was not on Tarsus. He was okay. He wasn't back on Reklor.

He had signed the treaty at least, in five years he'd send young Avan down as an ambassador, in seven they'd erect an embassy here. In twelve, he'd be okay with letting Reklor build their own fleet. He had it all planned out. Over the last couple of years, he had given a lot of thought to what he wished for Reklor. He even had it in his will, to be given to the next king just for some advice. It would have been nice to have some when he stepped into the position. But soon, Adalyn would make her move and with his help, he'd be demoted.

General Sorren Hart.

Jim couldn't wait but he knew it would take awhile, defeating seventeen Reklans was going to cement Adalyn's position but it also made them admire him even more. It was the main reason he got her to sign as well, and the only reason he bowed before her. An act in which shocked everyone.

Eighteen months.

He just had to tell the Admiralty that his future wasn't about being an Emperor. Though, if Reklor did go to war, somehow overriding his will, he would have to lead them.

Conflict of interest.

Fuck.

Jim looked up as guard number one came forward. He jumped as the man said, “Let's go Mr. Kirk. Your lawyer is waiting and your trial is about to begin.”

Jim nodded, stood and held out his hands for his cuffs, hiding his tension. It was the hardest thing to do, he hated being bound. Clenching his jaw, he squeezed his palms and made sure he retained eye contact on his cuffs. They were thin, not at all slave shackles.

He kept repeating that to himself as they started walking.

* * *

 

“We are gathered to here to witness the trial of Captain James Tiberius Kirk. You have been charged with lying, bribing and withholding personal information in order to gain access and a position inside the Star Fleet. How do you plead?”

Everyone was quiet, though it was a semi-closed trial, Spock and his crew were there. Jenna was there, looking murderous at everyone. His lawyer, Adam Wright was said to be the best in this side of the galaxy. He had better been for Jenna to stand beside him. Young, dark-haired and handsome, he had one of the highest paid firms in the whole galaxy.

Adam looked at him and Jim nodded.

“My client pleads not guilty. Instead, we believe these charges should be dismissed.” Barrett, trying to hid his own astonishment at their boldness, turned serious and said, “Under what claim?”

Adam waved his arms out and said, “No evidence to my client being deceiving towards Star Fleet.”

Jim held back a smile and realized he liked Adam.

The Admiralty looked shocked at such a claim. Barrett sat forward in his chair as he said, “James Kirk is the Emperor to Reklor, Mr. Wright. He did not say he had any connection to any species when he enrolled.” Adam nodded and held up his thumb, showing the cut he made when he swore to secrecy. “Oh, yes, that's not up for debate. What is, Admirals, is the fact that had James told you of his connection, you would not have let him enter.” Everyone was stupefied and Jim bit his lip.

Archer now spoke, “I don't think you're quite understanding Mr. Wright-”

“Oh, no. I am. I understand that James Kirk, son of Captain George Kirk, applied to Star Fleet at the age of twenty-two. I understand that he passed your tests with flying colours. I have copies here,” Adam picked up the PADD on his desk, continuing, “He passed your tests with only two other people ever coming ahead of him. One being in this room, a Commander Spock. The other being long since deceased as they applied in the last century.”

Jim managed to glance behind him to see Spock both shocked and focused.

“Now, had Jim told you of his connection, how far would you have pressed him. Connected to Reklor? Yes. Connection in marriage, in blood? How would his loyalties test, what would his traditions be, his cultural influence? James Kirk was born in space, he was raised here on Terra. He travelled to different worlds and met and became honour bound to Reklans people.

“All of those things are true, Admirals. What is also true is that you allowed him to join, that in the next six years, roughly, James went on to save Terra, twice, he has helped in the rebuilding of New Vulcan and her peoples. He has not once used his position against Star Fleet or any other Federation planet. He hasn't even been on Reklan soil in years. Therefore, under these very well known facts, I know my client, the man in which many of owe your lives to, is not a threat to security. That is what this trial is really about. Security, safety, non of which James is a threat to. I plead that you dismiss these charges and reinstate James Kirk as Captain aboard his ship.”

A few chuckles sounded from the crowd.

The Admirals all paused and stared hard at the two of them. Jim swallowed and Tanner spoke up, “Thank you for your statement Mr. Wright. On your statement that there is no evidence however, you should know the court is to hear from Kate Nandry.”

 _Aw, Fuck_ , Jim thought.

Kate walked into the small court room and stood a little away from Jim. She held up her head and the questions started.

Are you Miss Kate Nandry? Yes.

Did you take James' Kirk's testing? Yes.

What we're his results? 

Kate took a deep breath and said, “James Kirk's brain activity increased when we asked him specific questions about having bias towards races.” Everyone stilled and Jim felt his dread kick up a notch.

“From our monitoring, we managed to pick up fear, anger and certain abnormalities.”

“Abnormalities?” Barrett asked, frowning.

She nodded saying hesitantly, “His mind, under certain monitors doesn't look entirely like most humans. Certain lobes are either larger or smaller but I can't be specific, it's been awhile since I last saw the scans.” Archer nodded and asked, “Why is that? You were the one who sent us the documents.”

Nandry drew into herself and said, “What I sent you is what we now have on file. As you can see, it shows no differences in a normal monitoring scan.”

“What happened to the original?” Brooks asked, his gaze going from the doctor back to him.

Jim bit his cheek and made sure to look just as confused as everyone else. He was pretty sure it didn't matter any longer. 

“I do not know. When I went to access it the day after, this is what came up.”

“Why would you allow someone entry into Star Fleet when you knew their was something off in his or her scan?”

Kate looked troubled but she spoke calmly, “I received a message during our interview, right when I started noticing Mr. Kirk's activity, it...” She paused and then said, “It revealed a picture of my sister and said that my smuggling in of Tenrit root would be revealed to all of you as well as the police. I have already been charged on the matter and have served eighteen months. I no longer have to hide it.”

She turned to Jim and said, “My sister had Lannect's Syndrome. She died three years ago.”

Damn. Jim hadn't know that was her ailment. He winced.

“Miis. Nandry,” Adam spoke calmly and cunningly, “Tenrit root, it's highly sporous, isn't it? That's why it's banned from Terra. While it's great for a pain reliever, it can affect many people at once, making it inefficient and dangerous. It is also ectremely strong causes well know psychological issues. Can it be that throughout your treatment of your sister, you caught some of it?”

Kate shook her head, “No, I was always careful, I had it transferred in medically safe containers...”

“Yet, not, impossible, is it? A mix up, a spill, even a small teaspoon of the root powder can cause massive problems throughout thirty feet around you or your sister.”

Oh, Jim loved Adam, his voice held just enough doubt.

Kate frowned and still shook her head, though slower.

Adam turned to the Admiralty and said, “We know now that James is Sorren Hart, but what Miss. Landry here states cannot be taken directly into reality. During the time she held countless interviews, she could have been slightly hallucinating due the strength of the illegal drug she brought into the country. It would have been enough to cause some confusion over the tests.”

The Admirals sat back, clearly upset and disappointed. Jim hid his smile behind his still cuffed hands and tried not to fidget anymore. It was pointless, he couldn't keep still. The cuffs felt as if they were burning through his wrists and his heart rate wouldn't slow down.

“What about the other two?” Adam asked the court, “There are always three monitors are there not?”

Kate winced and replied, “Kell resigned two weeks after the interviewing. And Morgan moved to London within the month as she married her husband there.” _Huh, she actually married him,_ he definitely saw that relationship not working out _. People surprise you, though._

“You are dismissed Miss. Nandry.” The Admiralty turned back to him and said, “James Kirk, please access your Padd codes for us.”

Jim tensed, and asked, “Reasoning?”

“It is our belief that you have illegally obtained highly classified documents out of your level. It is also our belief that this where we might be able to find anything original.” Jim protested but Adam looked over at him and shook his head. Taking a deep breath, Jim punched in a four numbered code. He saw Spock frown at him but it opened and grudgingly he passed it to Adman who then passed it to Barrett.

“We will spend the evening processing this as evidence. Tomorrow, we will gather here at oh-eight hundred hours. Your verdict will be read then.”

Jim winced as he stood and his wounds protested. His crew tried to talk to him and other high ranking authorities were there, Star Fleet higher-ups from all around Terra, Captains and Commanders. Jim even spotted Terra's President in the crowd.

_Great._

Jim was ushered back to his cell in the lower levels of the building and he collasped on the cot. He did not in any way feel well. His head was aching and his stomach turned. Jim didn't know how much time past before he heard the force field come down. It couldn't have been super time already.

Jim opened his eyes to see Spock coming towards him.

“Jim, you are shaking.” The Vulcan had a heavy and soft blanket, where he got it, Jim had no idea but it was warm. “I'm...I...cold.” Spock looked worried and said, “I will get a doctor-” Jim reached out and got hold of Spock. “No, don't leave.” Spock knelt beside him, in his view and said, “Jim, never. I wished to talk to you today, This trial cannot proceed with no actual evidence. Mr. Wright was correct in saying that you had no gain as a leader to join as well as had never intended to harm Star Fleet with your position. I have already told them of my own opinions on the matter. I will do so again tomorrow morning in front of everyone. We will get you out of here.” Jim smiled and tried not to wince as his head pounded, only it wasn't like he was used to.

“Spock, don't do anything you'll regret.” Spock trailed his hand through Jim's hair softly, saying, “That could never be possible when it comes to you, Jim.”

Jim smiled and let himself fall into an uneasy sleep with Spock still moving his hand.

* * *

 

The doctor, Jim assumed Spock told, gave him three different hypos. None of it mattered. His body was sweaty, shaky and he truly doubted he could stand the next morning. He had a cough and a sore throat, his head was light and he threw up when he smelt the breakfast they gave him. It took two guards to lead him to his seat and Bones stood up, letting him know he looked as awful as he felt.

“Dammit!” He heard behind him as he more fell than sat in his chair.

The Admiralty were all frowning at his condition when they came in, some were glaring as if Jim planned on getting the flu when he needed to be focused. It felt like Jim fell asleep for a moment because he blinked and suddenly Spock was standing at the same spot Nandry was in. He really wanted to focus, he really did but he only caught a few words.

_Friend, loyal, not a danger, was Spock still talking or was his mind making this up?_

Adam nudged him and Jim stood up.

One of the Admirals spoke, Jim couldn't tell who, “James Kirk, we have your word that any punishment now or in the future that this Admiralty and this planet hands out to you will not to affect Reklor, our treaties with Reklor or that of our two peaceful futures?”

Jim nodded, holding onto his stomach, damn, Hailian knew where to land a blow.

“I've already contacted Locan and though they are upset, they understand that on this planet and with Star Fleet I am Jim kirk, not Sorren Hart. I would, however, plead for you to never send me to a prison planet for any reason. They wouldn't see that as honourable.”

Jim hunched in on himself in order not to throw up in front of his bosses(old bosses?).

“It is by this council, under having investigated all evidence and testimonies that we charge you with- Jim?” Someone was saying something, but the ringing in his ears took over and Jim found himself falling through the air, completely spent.

* * *

 

“Oh, my god.”

“How could...”

"Why doesn't he ever say anything?”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Jim laid still finally at peace and finally his head ached less. He was floating, it was so nice. _A little longer_ , he thought, _then I'd go back_. _Just a little longer_. He felt the brush of that warm wind again and he grinned ready to surge forward only to be left alone.

He frowned, finally realizing that he was alone.

Suddenly, that floating feeling became too much, he was adrift. _Oh god, don't leave him alone. Sivath! Sivath!_

_Spock!_

He started screaming.

* * *

 

Doctor McCoy looked more worried than usual and Spock felt himself tense, his fingers twitching. The older man looked up at him and to his hands, he asked slowly, “You think doing that mojo will help him?” Spock clenched his jaw, remembering Nyota stop him more than two weeks prior. He remembered both her and his father's shocked gazes. That he hadn't thought about it, that he hadn't even remembered his own teachings cut through him. He needed permission, he needed not be so eager.

“Jim will wake up.”

Leonard sighed and he nodded, “Yeah, but he's taking his own god damned time about it.” It had been a month already. A month that Spock had spent trying to get the Admiralty to listen, luckily he did have his father's way with words. Jim had been nearly sent out of Terra. Not to a prison planet but definitely not to be considered as a partner to Star Fleet.

Spock had not known how to keep his fury inside. For them to be able to dismiss James, as if he hadn't done enough for them, his hands twitched wanted to clench up. Spock reached out and took Jim's hand in his. It didn't matter than Jim was secretive to him, any longer. He was an Emperor yes, the owner of Sana Kor, he had a past, he was also part Vulcan. He had been bonded and T'Pau herself had asked about him. He was one of theirs as well and Spock had already refused to command the Enterprise, he had stated to the Admiralty both in private in the court room that if they wished to terminate James Kirk's position, he would quit.

Spock had many different career choice to choose from, he could join Sana Kor, his lips twitched at that thought, he could also start up an exploratory fleet with his Vulcan brothers and sisters. Spock decided he would bring Jim to New Vulcan for awhile, there were several options of where to go next. The hand in his twitched for the first time and Spock straightened, focused now on Jim.

“Doctor.” Spock called out not glancing away from Jim.

Jim opened his eyes and blinked up at them. Spock leaned down and hugged him. Surprised, Jim first tensed and flinched then slowly he hugged him back and Leonard shook his head. "Spock, I'm so glad you're here. For a second..." Spock felt Jim's fear coming off him in waves and didn't let go until Jim calmed down, now bursting with relief. 

“Let me in, I'm the doctor here.”

Jim groaned and said, “That was awful. Fucking horrible. Jesus...what happened? Am I back?” Leonard snorted and said, “You were unconscious for the last month. You got a flare up, kid and this one was a dosey. If you hadn't been close to a hospital, I don't think you would have made it.” Jim groaned and made noises with his mouth. Spock immediately got him a glass of water. Jim hummed his thanks looked around.

Gulping he finished and said, “A whole month, huh?” Both of them nodded and Jim smiled as his gaze went between them. “Wow, you two look so worried, little mother hens here.” Jim's eyes went wide and he said, “Shit, what happened? Aww, crap, I can't remember.”

“Relax.” Leonard said as Spock tightened his hold on Jim's hand. Jim glanced down at their connection and said, “Sorry about the interference.” Spock nodded, assuming he was talking about the queasiness that he was experiencing with his stomach as well as a fresh wave of fear.

“Okay, let's get you seated up and I'm going to give you some hypos. In an hour, I want you to eat something with some texture. We'll take it slow.” Jim groaned at Leonard's tone and childishly said, “C'mon Bones, I don't need a whole day in here, I've been here a month. And I'm hungry now.”

Leonard rolled his eyes and turned around to go get hypos. Spock witnessed Jim smile and wink at him as he continued whining.

Spock felt an elated feeling overwhelm him and he allowed himself a full five minutes to experience it.

* * *

 

Jim was better, Spock observed two days later, he was still pale but now could walk and eat whatever he wished. His wounds had been healed long ago, a grumbling McCoy had cursed many Reklan traditions as he had healed them.

Now, Spock and Nyota were just getting back to his apartment while McCoy took Jim to his and Carol's. The Admiralty would meet them the next day and Spock only had a five point two percent urge to be nervous. He felt that Jim's syndrome, while being another offence against Jim being secretive had actually made the Admiralty soften as well.

Nyota stood in the middle of the living room and Spock only noticed as he took off his overcoat. Frowning, Spock asked, “Nyota, are you well?” She snapped out of her thoughts and frowned at him. “Yeah, yeah I am. Spock...” Her tone and her hesitance made Spock's heart lurch for a moment. “Spock, why were you so ready to meld with Jim?”

Spock frowned and thought about it for the first time, it had been a few days after Jim collapsed and they had all gone to see him. Spock was certain he'd wake up but the tension in his body combined with Leonard's worried expression had made him move. He had felt Jim, even before he touched him, he had felt how far away Jim was from them and he wished only to bring him back.

“I wished to help him. To bring his mind forward into consciousness.”

Nyota nodded, bit her lip and slowly made her way to the couch. She put her elbows on her knees and said quietly, “This isn't working, is it?” Spock did not pretend not to know what she was talking about. His mouth went dry and he felt dread rise up in him. They hadn't spoken to each other in two weeks, before that it hadn't been anything personal in months. Spock took a deep breath and sat down next to his intended.

Nyota allowed a tear run down her cheek before she brushed it away. Spock looked to her and asked, “Is it something I have done? Can I not correct it?” Losing Nyota seemed like an impossibility. A year ago, though maybe if he were truthful to himself it was more a year and a half ago, he would have killed anyone who tried to take her away from him. Spock had planned his future with Nyota. They had only had four years together, it wasn't to Spock at all long to be together.

Nyota shook her head. “That's just it, Spock. We've both tried to correct it. I don't know what happened, or how it happened, hell, I can't really predict when. But I know neither of us yelled at each other or cheated, I've always loved you, you're the first man I fell in love with. But I have been thinking over the past couple of months, I wondered where my future is going. I do want to be the best in my field career-wise, but I also want children and a family.”

Spock felt his stomach drop. A feeling in which he did not enjoy.

“I know you can have children, I also know you're reluctant to have them and I'm going to be thirty soon. Human's might have better medicine now Spock, but we still pass away a lot sooner than your race. I also don't want to leave you alone when your still so young. I don't want to burden you and I would be if you think completely logically.”

Spock nodded, swallowing and he replied, “You would have no wish to wait for several years for a family that you can have sooner, while you are still young. I understand your logic. I also understand that there is a change within us. We are not as we used to be.” Nyota's eyes were full of unshed tears now and she nodded.

“Is Montgomery Scott a factor in your decision?” Spock asked, not knowing why he needed to know.

Nyota's eyes widened and she said, “I never-”

“I am aware that you are faithful, I merely, I merely wished to know. I apologize if that is to personal a question.” They both froze at that.

Never once had a question been too personal between them.

Nyota had been open, had been his and he had been hers. She wiped her face again and said, “I'm going to be honest with you Spock.” Spock looked over at her and couldn't hide his sadness. “I missed human interaction. I love you, I'll always love you. But when I'm around my own race I feel...”

“A connection.”

She looked just as sad, staring back at him. “Yes.” Spock nodded. She felt as if he were perhaps, not too alien, but too different than she. He sighed deeply, sat back and reached for his first friend. She came easily and they spent the next hour holding each other.

Soon, Nyota gathered what few things of hers were at his apartment, kissed him gently on the forehead and left him still sitting on the couch.

Spock realized then he had no wish to enter another another relationship. He realized for his own future, he wished to bond and it frightened him more than anything.

* * *

 

Jim found himself beside Adam once again, this time not in a court room but in a conference room.

“Your charges have been dismissed,” Barrett said looking serious, “But know that there are many Admirals that do not trust you. You have showed yourself to hide many things from all the people around you. You have also showed your dedication to Star Fleet in the last couple of years you've been captain. You should be thankful to some of those pressing missions and those to come.”

“The Crucible.”

Barrett nodded and said, “They've attacked a transport ship, killed everyone and resupplied. It won't be long now until we hear from them again. We'll need you for that.” Jim nodded, serious.

Shit, he only made it by the skin of his teeth. And he had Mitch to thank for it.

“Okay, your reinstated to the Enterprise, Captain. Don't let me hear anything bad about you again.”

Jim was about to leave when the older man stopped him. Looking grim and sad, Jim froze at the Admiral's expression.

“Listen son,” _Shit, what now_ , Jim thought, “I've got some bad news. While you were in the hospital the Henrietta took fire from the Klingons. They were on a mission to X'en. Half the crew perished but the other half who managed to get home said it was because Winona Kirk saved them after the Captain died. She's lost, Jim. I'm sorry. We had her cremated like she wanted.”

Jim stood frozen, as if from a dream Barrett reached behind him and passed Jim a golden urn.

His mother was in it.

“I'm really sorry.”

Jim only numbly nodded before he turned and left.


	13. Don't Let Go, Give In.

Jim sat back in his captain's chair trying not to pay too close attention to the silence around him.

It had been almost two weeks since his official trial ended, two weeks since he woke up in a hospital bed and two weeks of having almost everyone around him give him the silent treatment. Jim Kirk, healed, alive and now being treated indifferently. He got it, they were upset. His friends had the right to be upset, Sulu and Pavel weren't joking as usual, Nyota only spoke to him on ship related conversations and Scotty, Scotty was just avoiding him period. Spock was the only one who would look at him, Bones being the one to stare in a half angry glare.

Jim sighed and looked behind him. Spock either sensing him or knowing his routine by now, looked back and Jim finally said, “Spock, take the comm, I need to go to Sickbay.” A few people turned to look at him and Spock raised a disbelieving brow but Jim shrugged. His throat was still rough, his chest tight and truthfully, even though he needed to talk to Bones, he really didn't want to get any worse.

The mission the Admiralty put them on seemed like a suicide mission, Jim could still hear Archer saying, “Well you did want to be more active, didn't you?” He once more sighed and coughed as he made his way down to Sickbay. Bones was organizing a bunch of documents, PADDS were littered around his desk and when he looked up at Jim, he didn't get out the scotch, instead, he said, “I hope you don't plan on staying. I'm busy at the moment.”

Jim sighed and sat down, completely ignoring the older man. “I'm sorry. There's not much more that I can say but that.” Bones sat back and then he too, sighed and swiped his face.

“Listen Jim, you have no idea how relieved I was you were alive. You survived seventeen Reklan's coming after you. It's fucking great but then I-we all- realized that you survived seventeen Reklans coming after you. You were their Emperor. You're a fucking Emperor. Jesus. It's a little-”

“Overwhelming?”

Bones gave him a look and then took a while to say. “I know why you didn't tell us but maybe telling us could have prepared us better. I realize I don't really know you. You're a chameleon, you're capable of becoming whatever you want us to see. I...I feel more lost when I look at you, Jim, than I ever did.”

Jim looked away from Bones, coughed slightly and then said, “I didn't want you to hate me.”

Bones got up and moved forward, sitting on the other chair next to him, he spoke carefully, “I could never hate you Jim. I just would like to know you. I thought I was your person.”

“You are.” Jim said simply and truthfully. It was filled with emotion and Bones responded, his eyes softening. “You're mine and just...how about we talk later? When your done with this mission?”

Jim snorted and Bones smiled. “Yeah.”

Bones nodded and went to get a hypo. “Just to let you know, you just agreed to talk to all of us. I want the rest of the gang there.” Knowing he would have to give in somewhere, Jim sighed and felt his anxiety increase.

“Okay, we'll meet up in the observatory and bring some scotch. Ow! Dammit Boes!"

Jim played his role and grumbled about the hypo.

Bones kicked him out and Jim left smiling.

* * *

 

 Fayra.

The last time Star Fleet signed a treaty with them it had been sixty years ago. Now all Jim had to do was update it.

Easily said, the Fins were cold, businesslike and unlike his people, they held no sense of loyalty. They shifted and moved to who had the most wealth, the most power. It was the only thing the people truly responded to. Unfortantly for Jim, they also had a vast resource of hectate ore. It was used in many industrial companies and Star Fleet wanted it.

Ryle, the leader of the council was a pure ass. Though that was to be expected, it still grated on Jim's nerves. He leaned back into his chair, casual and calm as Jim spoke, "I can personally gaureentee that four shipments of thale be delievered to your docing station. You can-"

"Captain Kirk," Ryle interrupted for the hundreth time that day, "How much do you make?"

Jim tensed as his crew looked confused, Spock glanced over at him as Jim frowned. "I make the same as every other Captain in the Fleet." Ryle nodded and looked away to his Commander. "And you?" Spock raised his brow before he replied, "It differs depending on the amount of missions and needs per month. Roughly, a hundred thousand credits a year."

Ryle nodded seemingly pleased with the amount. He looked back to Jim and said, "Now how much do you make? I believe you are no regular Captain, considering you own the largest intergalatic companies known." Jim tensed once more and clenched his jaw. Bones and Nyota both seemed curious but alert. Matt Hendroff was keeping an eye on everyone, standing just behind where they were seated.

"Sana Kor's profit differs from year to year. It is unpredicable." Ryle tutted and said, "I've made a few deals with the comany in my time, tell me, be honest. I do so favour it." He smiled as Jim glared back. He hated Ryle completely.

Suddenly, he had a moment of connection with the last Captain to have actually gotten a deal. This was a mission Star Fleet had sent him on just to punish him. Jim finally just leaned back into his chair, looking at Ryle, just as casual and calm he said, "If I'm being truthful, Ryle, I have no clue how much I make annually."

That got everyones attention, whether noticable or not.

"How is that possible?" Of course, for a race that understood only power and wealth, showcasing it and counting it, it would be shocking.

Jim smirked coldly and said, "I retired when I turned twenty-two. I had enough money then to..." Jim thought about it, nodded to himself and then continued, "I could have bought two planets outright and still had enough to retire nicely. Right now, I have several different bank accouts across the galaxy, each full to bursting. I donate more than I make each year and it still keeps growing."

Jim shrugged, reach forward and took an apple looking fruit or vegetable from the platter. He took a bite and mumbled his pleasure at the sweetness. Ryle instantly started to like him and half hour later they were given rooms for the night, the treaty having to have to be thought about before he'd sign. Jim was pretty confident he'd sign.

The room that him and his crew were shown to was incredible beautiful, like most of the massive estate. Gold, gems and and precious metals were layered into the floor and walls. Silks and soft fabrics fell arcoss the walls from the decorated celing. The view from narrow, high windows showed the castle gardens and the high wall that surounded the city. There were four bedrooms, two to the right of the open living room and two to the left.

"Claimed!" called Bones from a corner room.

Jim told Hendroff to take the one beside him with Spock and Nyota taking the second two. By now, it was night and everyone, besides Bones, were arguing about the bedrooms.

"I don't see it logical that I should take a bed from you when I will not use it tonight."

"I'm security, Jim, I should be in the living room."

"Spock, we could always just share for tonight-"

"Okay! Okay!" Jim called stopping everyone from talking.

"I'm taking the living room, I don't care what you say, no Hendroff, no. Everyone go to a room, I don't care which one, just go. Get some sleep, it's already dark and we need to be up by dawn. Go."

Sulking Hendroff nodded but Jim thought the luzurious mattress would do him some good, the man was tense in his right shoulder from sparring with him a few days prior and Jim still felt bad about it. Nyota took a bedroom and shut the door.

Jim was left sighing at Spock. "You might not need sleep, but you do need to mediate. Go do that."

Jim grabbed some pillows and a throw and made himself a bed on the floor. "Jim," Jim laid down but paid attention to his second. Spock kenlt down and asked, "Do you need me to meld with you again?"

He tried not to wince at the topic. They hadn't talked about what had happened, not only without having time to do so but because Jim wanted to forget it. He was anxious, paranoid and he wanted to keep an eye on the door. His headache was back since he woke up but he was used to it.

"I'm fine, Spock." Spock practically frowned as he replied, "Fine, has several definitions. I do not accept it coming from you."

Jim smiled and reached out to touch Spock's wrist. "Hey, I know you're there for me, okay? I'm not sucidial, I'm not going anywhere. I promise." Spock's eyes darkened as he said, "I did not say you were. I am here for you and we will speak on the matter of your trust on a later date. For now, sleep." Jim was about to speak, as Spock arranged himself in a meditation pose.

"Sleep. I will be in a light enough trance, to be aware of the door." Without knowing how Spock did it, Jim found himself relaxing and letting Spock take over. He closed his eyes, still wanting to fight and yet truly tired after the long day and the next second, he was asleep.

* * *

 

 Jim jumped as the door blasted open. Spock leapt up and men came rushing inside. Jim kicked the first one to get at him and saw Spock nerve pinch two others. Bones, Hendroff and Nyota all came rushing out of their rooms and took on their own opponents.

Jim punched another man, sending him sprawling, knocked out. He saw Hendroff taking on three single handedly, Bones was fighting another and Nyota high kicked a man who tried to take her on.

Just as they were getting the upper hand, more men ran inside, holding phasers, they pointed at them.

Jim clenched his jaw and called out, "Stop." His crew froze and Spock looked his way. Jim stared at the man who looked to be the leader and said, "How dare you attack guests here? Where is Ryle? I had an agreement with him or is it that Fayra's are not even intrested in profit any longer?"

Out from the hallway came Arren.

Ryle's nephew.

 _Ah, shit,_ Jim thought. "I'm sorry but Ryle is permanently indesposed at the moment. You'll have to deal with me now. Tell me, as head of Sana Kor how fast can you transfer a cannister, of say, Hylectium, here?" Jim raised a brow as Arren's smile widened.

"Never mind, we'll talk more in the morning, yeah? Take them to the dungeons, let him think about it. If I don't have your anwser by dawn Mr. Kirk, I'll exucute one of your little crew members."

* * *

 

Hendroff tried for a hundredth time to make his comm work.

It didn't.

The dungeons were cold, colder than Jim had ever experienced, though it had been awhile since he had been in a true winter. Nyota was shivering, trying to warm herself up and Bones had his arms circled around her, trying not to let his teeth shatter.

Jim stood, straight backed as he watched Spock hit the wall again, he was having a difficult time concentrating having spent too much time in cells lately. He moved forward to see the cracking of the cement split and sighed in relief. Spock was not taking the cold at all well. He was pale, paler than Jim remembered seeing him.

"Don't worry," Jim said, "The panel's right there, a few more strikes and I'll wire the forcefield down."

Spock nodded and Jim saw the tip of his ears were going slightly dark. Dammit. Spock's fists were bleeding green and it looked like he broke a finger. Jim clenched his jaw as Spock went again to the wall. Thankfully, they hadn't been handcuffed, Jim had killed the two who tried putting the manacles on him and they had lead him and his crew with phasers trained on him instead.

Soon, Spock stepped back and revealed a panel.

Fucking amazing. Jim loved it when he was right.

"See, I told you it was here."

He tugged and beat the metal box, until he forcefully wrenched the panel away a small bit. It was enough room to get his hands into the control system. He pulled harshly at the six wires until they wrenched away from the box. A small shock made him jump and went in again more carefully. It would be easy for him to be electrocuted. He crisscrossed three wires and connected the other two. Placing the final one on the connection he looked over to Hendroff.

"Okay, here we go." The buzzing stopped and Hendroff jumped through the nonexistant panel. Just a second later, it came back on. Jim cursed.

He had to keep sparking it and within a couple minutes, only Jim and Spock were left. Spock went to grab the wires from him and Jim frowned at the shaking man.

"I got it, you get the hell out. It's fine."

Chattering, Spock shook his head his and said, "My speed is greater than yours Jim. You go now and I will follow."

"For christ sakes. One of you come. We need to leave now." Hendroff said looking from side to side. It was almost dawn and therefore almost time for the guards to come back. Jim gave in and jumped through. He only started to breath again once Spock was safely through a minute later.

They ran down the halls trying not to go the same route again, knowing now it was only minutes away from dawn.

Hendroff called out, "This way." They turned left and saw an opening, everyone picked up speed and hurdled through the door. Just as they entered the gardens, the sirens started going off. Everyone looked at Matt and he looked back shocked, "That wasn't in the debreifing, I swear," he said as they all, panting now, started running again.

Jim found himself surprised that they made it out of the city. He had knocked out a passing guard and had taken his phaser as well as unknown little disks on his belt. Unfortanutely, more were running after them and Ryle's newphew was smart. He had cut out all transmission calls in and out of the city. There had been no where to contact Mr. Scott for a retrivail.

Now their only place to move was out into the more wild parts of the district. The cities of this planet had been walled off to protect them against the natural predators, the whole reason Dely was the captial city was because of where it was placed. The city was surrounded by cliffs and the ocean below, the only road in or out was a natural formed bridge of the same rock that surrounded everything around them.

He fired backwards as the men gained ground and called out, "Hurry up, we should be cleared right after the bridge!" He almost gasped as a phaser hit Spock's back. He stumbled but caught himself, Jim wasn't so lucky. He fell with a yell and Spock stopped to help him up. Jim pushed him and said, "Go." Still running along side him, Jim pulled a silver disk and said, "Let's find out what these do."

He threw it backwards and both of them were only mildly surprised when it went off with a blast. Jim held back a wince as he heard screaming. They made it and Hendroff issued an evacuation.

It was only then when Jim raised the phaser to cover them that he noticed his wrist.

It was bare.

His eyes went wide and he scanned the ground. There, right where he had fallen almost in the middle of the bridge. He saw the light and couldn't help but run in the opposite direction of saftey.

He heard yelling but couldn't hear who was saying it.

His only thought was to get to his bracelet.

* * *

Spock ran, hearing Nyota, Bones and Mattew all protest right before they were beamed out with or without their permission.

Jim was running towards danger, firing constantly and he dived to the ground before scrambling back up. Spock picked up his speed as he saw Jim get hit in the back and then in his arm.

Jim threw another disk, ill aimed and it landed instead of near the men, on the bridge, just out of range. It exploded and shattered the delicate build. Within seconds the shaking and grumbling turned into an a collaspe. Jim ran towards him, now unsteady and fearful because the ground underneath him was crumbling into the raging river miles below him.

Spock's heart lurched and his own eyes widened, focused solely on Jim. He ran faster, his hand outstretched. And suddenly, he wasn't seeing Jim but his mother and his mental walls crumbled under his intense emotion.

"Jim!"

Jim leapt, now with nothing but air between them and Spock dived. His body hit the edge of the cliff hard but his damaged hand was grasped tightly. Jim slamed into the side of the cliff with a groan, right before another shot hit Spock's arm and grazed his cheek.

The firing intensifed now that they weren't moving. And the men had excellent aim from their distance. "Let go, Spock. Let go. It's okay. I'm going to be okay." He felt Jim's raging emotions full force. He was scared but he was more worried about Spock being hurt.

Spock tightened his hold and said, "I will not do so."

Jim gasped another shot ran into his back and leg, Spock winced feeling it as well. His heart was racing and his breathing eratic, he had to save Jim.

Slowly, with Jim's help he pulled the man over the egde, gaining several more wounds in the process.

Panting, they crawled and struggled to get away from the firing and get closer to the landing zone. Spock felt as if his mind would collaspe upon itself. He clutched Jim tightly to him, their hands still connected. He couldn't let him get hurt. Spock was shaking as the white light surrounded them, having been shot more than twenty times.

He couldn't think, all he knew was that the assliants had to be killed. He couldn't let anything hurt Jim anymore. He felt both their pain physically and he snarled at one who dared approach them. He shifted so that he could snap their necks should they come any closer and then Jim shifted in his arms.

He felt his other hand, trembling slightly, caress his arm. Warm heat grazed across his skin and Jim projected calm over his fear, calm and happiness.

"Shh, Spock. It's okay. We're okay. Let Bones help. We're back safe. We're safe. I'm safe."

Spock let those words penetrate and he realized what Jim was telling him a few moments later. His mind opened and let Spock see clean surfaces and cool air and...home.

They were home.

Spock let himself feel safe and feel the brush of that bracelet against his skin before he let himself drift into unconsciousness.

* * *

 

Spock and Jim sat together, finally released from Sickbay two days after their idiotic mission across from the Alpha crew. Bones was still monitoring Jim for any infections, it hadn't been more than a month since his last lannects flare-up and they weren't sure when his next one would be.

Scotty, Pavel and Bones had all brought alcohol that Jim was only allowed to have a glass each. Nyota and Carol filled their glasses up with some red wine and Jim leaned back against the couch. "Okay, let's do this."

Bones smiled at him and said, "You sure?"

Jim rolled his eyes and said, "You pester me for almost a year and now you grow hesitant? I promised you all one night, one conversation where you can ask me anything. You guys want to know more about me then fine. But careful, you might not like what you hear and I can't help what I did before I met you guys, okay?"

Everyone nodded and Jim looked to Spock who looked back at him approvingly.

"How do you feel about your mom?" Bones asked first. Jim was surprised and the older man shrugged before explaining, "It's only been a week and half, not even, and we haven't talked about it."

Jim sighed and bit his lip. He really thought about her for the first time in years. "I haven't, hadn't, seen her since I was fourteen. We never got to meet again. I feel a sense of loss, but more lost really. I'm officially an orphan, but if I'm being truthful, I felt that way for a long time. We could have tried to reconnect I guess, after Nero, after Khan. It just...I was always on a different wave length than her. We just sort of...missed each other. Don't get me wrong, she loved me and tried her best and I'm thankful for that, but she never really was...mom, to me. I miss the fact I didn't get to see her, I never told her where I buried Sam. I always had that against her. The Admiralty gave me her ashes and she wants them spread in Zanna Mi and Riverside. So I guess I have to do that some time. I guess what I miss the most is what could have been but wasn't."

Spock looked sharply at him at the last bit but Jim was too in thought to pay attention.

"What happened to Sam?" Jim finally flinched at the personal and simple question Pavel asked.

Jim looked down and was going to reply when Bones said, "The whole truth, Jim."

He sighed and looked away from them as he said quietly, "His throat was slit by my Engineering professor, Sivath."

Spock's eyes widened slightly as he said, "A Vulcan." He saw pieces fall into place in his friend's eyes before he looked away from Jim. Jim nodded anyway. "It was four days before the rescue team came to Tarsus." Everyone winced and then more questions came.

He spoke about Tarsus, fully, the starvation and the mental torutre in the dungeons. He told them he killed Kodos, he tortured the still missing Admiral, he became a thief and a smugglar and beat down innocent people as well as murderers. He told them of his war on Reklor and his men that he loved. He told them about his childhood and playing with Sam, running away to Zanna Mi to look after his aunt.

He told them he wanted half of his ashes there and half in the walls of the Enterprise. Scotty swore he'd see it to, as Spock, lip's twitching, told him off for regulations.

Finally, as the hours past, Sulu asked, "So, that melding," Sulu looked over at Spock who once again closed himself off, "What kind of symptoms does it leave?" Jim thought of Micheal and himself. He frowned as he said, "I wasn't affected the same way as my friend. I think it's different with each mind." Jim remembered the loss of time and his thinking that everything was a dream. He shut his eyes, clenched his hands and told himself this was real.

"You lose track of reality. My friend...well...he couldn't tell the time. It didn't matter that he knew it, and he did, he just couldn't believe it. I made this device for him when he was sixteen. An ear implant that worked as a constant ticking sound for him. It helped, allowed him to focus more. He also wore watches, lots of them. I...kept track in my own way. My PTSD increased, as you guys know, trust issues, nightmares, I like pain because not because it gets me off or anything but because it let's me know everything is happening still."

Scotty frowned and asked, "Could that come back?"

Jim blinked, not really knowing. With his broken bond everything was a mess right then. "If it does, be sure to make Spock captain as soon as possible."

Now Carol spoke, completely curious, "Why don't you date men?"

Jim almost spit out his beer. "What?"

Everyone either looked uncomfortable or were looking just as curious.

"Men. You know, dating. It's perfectly fine and all. I was just curious." Jim gaped, his mouth opening and closing but he couldn't get a word out. "Wh...Why would you think that?" Carol blinked and said, "Well it's kind of obvious, even if Jenna hadn't asked us about any new boyfriends. While you make a big scene about checking women out, myself included," Everyone ignored Bones' eye roll, "You don't actually go after women. I've seen you pass up more on shore leave than actually leave with them. It made a lot of sense when Jenna sort of just busted it open for us. Who knew kid you was so cute and shy."

Jim put his head in his hands and groaned. "Jenna...she's just-"

"Able to tell the whole truth without flinching. Yeah," Bones smirked at him when Jim looked up to glare at him.

At the same moment both of them remembered Jim kissing him years ago and Jim glanced away before he faced Bones' knowing look. Jim glanced every which way, for the first time truly wanting to bolt. He actually rose up, intending to leave when Spock reached out.

Jim flinched instinctively. Everyone now looked worried.

"Jim..." Jim sat back down and looked down. He tried to say what he could, "I didn't sleep with that many people in the Academy. And before my twenties, I didn't sleep with anyone really. I guess that's why I wanted to try it out when I went to the Academy." Jim glanced at Spock and Spock nodded, knowing why he didn't sleep around.

He swallowed and said, "Girls, no offence ladies, but girls are easier. I can't...I just..." Jim took a long gulp of beer as everyones gazes turned sympathic. Finally someone asked a different question, "How many people have you slept with?"

Jim squinted, thinking about it, but truthfully he didn't remember a few nights. "Um, do we count foreplay or just intercourse? Is getting off a factor because sometimes it was just painful and not enjoyable at all. Also, does consensuality count?" Jim bambled and then stopped. He didn't look at anyone but Spock pressed his hand Jim's knee sending waves of calm and support. He nodded and looked up, heart hammering and swallowing hard.

"You can just say a number in which you count." Sulu said trying to be helpful and not wince.

Jim shrugged and said, "One. Gaila was nice. I completely slept with her." That made Nyota laugh and they clinked glasses.

Later, Jim took a deep breath and looked around at the tired but open faces of his friends.

They too, had all come clean about their own pasts in the process.

Sulu had shared his experience being trained on Gangi to become an assassin. His mother had been a traditional loyalist and had sent both her sons back home at the age of seven. Sulu had still been there when the revolt had happened and he watched the city had burnt as well as most of the population at the tender age of ten. Jim was even more surprised at the man's goodness knowing how rough and bad those citizens had been treated to make them cold, killing machines. He too felt sympathy when Sulu said, "My brother and I were never close after that. They used siblings against each other and well...even though I was almost two years younger, I picked up on the training faster. It...it caused a rift with all of us. I see him sometimes and we try. Same thing with my parents, my dad always felt more guilt that my mom and he tries his best to keep us all in touch." Sulu nodded to himself before taking a long gulp of beer.

Pavel had downed another bottle of vodka as he told them about his parents disowning him because of his perference of men. Jim was finally right about something between the two of them. Sulu had moved closer and brought the younger one in his embrace. He told them how he strived so hard not only for all of them (himself included) but perhaps his parents would see him one more time.

Carol and Nyota told them all about their families, while more normal than the rest, Jim came to know that Carol had been deeply affected not only with her father but the fact that her mother had cheated on her father during her childhood and that she hadn't come to know loving relationships until she grew into adulthood.

And Nyota explained how her family had died suddenly in a car wrek when she was small, leaving her with only her aunt. Jim frowned, thinking about that tragic simplicity. Loving and careing and then gone and no one to blame. He winced.

Bones finally talked about his wife again, this time a lot less sad than back in the Academy. He talked about his childhood and stories in which finally made everyone laugh.

And Scotty, Scotty and Keenser shared the story in which they saved each other's lies back on Delta Vega. Keenser talked about his wife and three kids and how he hoped they'd join the crew if they ever got into a five year mission.

Scotty actually told them he wanted to get married and have kids. Jim found hismelf surprised and joked about getting him to name a kid after him.

* * *

 

It was five in the morning and Spock and Jim sat together alone in the empty room. Jim breathed in deeply and said quietly, "You can ask you know. It's still night time."

Spock, too, leaned back and edged closer as he asked, "Are you frightened of me?"

Jim nodded, being honest.

Spock frowned and then he said, "You have no reason to be. I would never meld with you without your permission." Jim smiled, finally looking over at Spock and said, "It's not the fact that you would, it's the fact that you could, Spock. Your powerful, even a full blooded Vulcan would love to have your power. I know, without having Saros to have already told me, that you would be able to use your telepathy without touch one day. You're a great man Spock, but I'm always going to have that bit inside me. I'm always going to be scared of that part of you."

Spock frowned and he slowly reached up to touch Jim's cheek. Jim made himself not move and let those fingers glide over his scar.

"Nyota and I discontinued our relationship." That made Jim move and he jerked. "What?" Spock frowned slightly and said, "I did submit the official papers to Star Fleet and as you are the captain and need to be aware of personal relationships that may affect moral and work ethic th-"

"Spock, shut up. When? Why? What happend? Wow." Jim looked away, shocked and Spock nodded.

"We...we were distant." Jim nodded remembering their conversation a couple months back.

"So...how are you doing?" Spock breathed heavily and replied slowly, "I am sorrowful that our closeness is no longer there. Nyota was my first human companion. She taught me many things about humanity and relationships. But..." Jim looked back at Spock, focused as the vulcan grew uncharactistically hesitant, "I thought I would be more saddened at losing my intended mate. I am more sorrowful at knowing I cannot approach her for simple conversation."

Spock frowned and grew silent. Jim put his arm around Spock's shoulders, moving so that they were fully side-by-side.

"That's just temporary Spock. One day you guys will talk and play a game of something-she-likes because she's crap at chess. You two will talk about what you're writing and doing and it will feel normal again." Spock nodded and replied, "She did say that she would come to me once she was ready."

Jim smiled, thankful his team was so damned professional. They had just taken Nyota with them to a freaking phaser show and she hadn't seemed upset at having Spock near at all.

"I'll make sure to give you two options to work on different shifts for a bit." Spock nodded and relaxed against him. "I do not understand how humans subject themselves to this type of relationships throughout their lives. There is no stability, no certainness. How does one bare the thought that it could end? The Vulcan way had not prepared me for this situation. Four years ago, Nyota seemed the perfect human mate. My father had achieved a long lasting bond, I thought it would be more simple, somehow."

Spock shook his head, too overwhelmed and Jim chuckled.

"Welcome to not having telepathy, Spock. We're creatures without logic or certainity, we are just bumbling around, hoping that the person we trust and love does so back. Trust, Spock, it's the emotion that's intertwind and arguably more important than love." Spock looked back at him and nodded.

"I would not have understood that when I was younger. I am thankful that I met you James. But I am also thankful I met you when I did."

Jim thought about it and his fear, his hate. Yeah, Amanda had been a huge part of it, but so was losing Vulcan, so was Saros.

"Me too, buddy, me too."

Jim let his hand caress Spock's shoulder absently as they sat and watched the stars fly past them.

 


	14. Nightmares Come True.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are enjoying this. For this chapter our not favourite Vulcan is...back.

The Admiralty didn't seem too surprised at their failure but they seemed a lot better in attitude towards Jim.

“That was so low of them,” Bones said as he glared at the black screen, “You could have died.”

Jim shrugged, “Hey, I could have landed up on a prison planet and then escaped and become a pirate again. Mitch would not have liked to have competition. Getting the shit kicked out of us seems like a better offer, honestly.”

Spock frowned as he said, “You would not have becoming a looter.” Jim looked over at him as they made their way down to the rec room. “How would you know? You'd be captaining the Enterprise.” Spock shook his head and said, “I would have taken a shuttle and met up with you. There are three close planets to New Vulcan in which have no extradition treaties. You could be hired and have a place of residence as long you do no harm to the citizens of the planet. Also, it is in close enough range for my father to visit or as you say 'lend a hand' if we needed some diplomatic help.”

Both Bones and him gaped at Spock. He looked back stonily until Jim grinned and said, cheerfully, “You would have helped a Federation criminal? Spock, I'm officially a horrible, terrible, awful, influence on you. I love you.” Jim grin's widened as Bones scoffed and Spock straightened. He looped his arm around Spock and kept talking about how they were going to go out into outer space and show everyone up. They'd steal something, something big, Jim kept going until Bones told him to shut up, when a new ensign looked at them worriedly.

Jim winked at her and she blushed, walking off.

“So, when are we landing at New Vulcan?” Jim asked, finally getting back to business as they sat down at their usual couch. Sulu was reading a Russian book with Pavel and both looked up. “Three hours,” Sulu replied, saying, “I've got Amy docking on landing this time. She needs the practice.” Spock raised a brow and asked, “Do you think it wise to leave her on the bridge alone?”

Sulu, without remorse shrugged and said, “I'm off duty, it's Callahan's problem now.”

Jim winced at that. Callahan, while an excellent step-in for him and Spock wasn't him and Spock. But Alpha crew had pulled a three shift duty because someone (Amy) had let them get hit by a couple meteors. They were just coming back from Finaak, they'd been in space two and a half weeks (longer than it should have taken) and now were on their way to picking up various council members to bring them to the meeting with Star Fleet on Zanna Mi.

Jim was totally taking some time off ship this time around. Besides, he needed to get rid of that damned urn in his closet. Though technically, that's all they were meant to do, drop off the council members and then move on to Rickor Three Star Base to resupply and make sure their own Base Leader Sam Hen wasn't overstepping his boundaries. Apparently, there were more than a few complaints about him.

Jim enjoyed his three hours of freedom, everyone was in a relaxed mood and only grew nervous as Sulu checked his watch. They braced themselves for the final seconds and only a light tremble happened before, sighing, Sulu's comm went off, “Sir, you told me to notify you when we dock. Totally, amazingly, did so. You so had to have seen that. It was awesome.” Amy said frantically and excitedly.

Jim laughed and Amy stopped now knowing other people were listening in. “Thank you, ensign. Good work,” Sulu said, smiling as he glanced over at Jim. “I've got the captain so don't worry about notifying him. We're making our way to the transporter room.”

“Aye, Sir.” Amy said sounding much more professional and embarrassed.

“I like her.” Jim said, as they got up.

Spock nodded and said easily, “While her experience in piloting is new, she does make an excellent addition to the science labs.” Jim rolled his eyes and said, “I need more say at who we're hiring because I swear their all science majors. As in, science, science.”

Spock raised a brow at him as Pavel and Sulu trailed after them, smiling and listening in.

“What major would you prefer our new hires have? You chose five ensigns in the last year, two of which were MACCO soldiers previously and other three had either an Engineering background or computer science degrees. I, myself, showed much more variety than you did.”

“Okay, first off, you know how I feel about Psychology majors. You know how Bones feels about Psychology majors, especially near his Sickbay. You just got outvoted. Again.”

Spock glanced at him, amused and he heard Sulu and Pavel chuckled behind them. “I never knew you two were like this. I need to hang out with you more."

Both of them turned and Jim asked, “Like what?” Sulu looked sceptical at him but by now they were entering the transporter room.

Jim nodded to Scotty and the Ensign working the controls. “Think we can cross train people? Make it more interesting?” Jim asked quietly to Spock. Spock looked thoughtful and then said, “Most likely no. Not only do our people have specific degrees, they also have specific interests. I doubt Mr. Sulu would enjoy working on the engine room than say... Mr. Scott would like being at the controls.” Jim winced at that image and then pouted.

Spock gave him a look and it made Jim smile anyway.

“Okay, we're ready. We've got three council members,” Scotty glanced at Spock and continued, “Your da's included in there. And three junior members.” Jim nodded and said, “Alright, let's see our guests for the next week.” Jim was smiling as the white light came and went.

Slowly, his smile dimmed, his heart leapt up and he found himself frozen.

He stared as Sarek, T'Pau and Varen stepped off. Followed by T'Nix and Solik. Alongside Sarek, stood a tall and dark-haired Vulcan. Darker eyes than Spock and an inch taller. He was beautiful and terrible.

“James.” Tevik greeted, stoically.

Jim couldn't look away but he couldn't run away either.

Everyone stared.

Jim was paralysed.

* * *

 

Jim sat hyperventilating in his bedroom. He had ran away, professionally, slightly erratically, ran away.

Spock was seeing the council members to their rooms and the ship was already moving.

Fuck.Fuck.

He had to stop it, had to get off. This could not be happening. Tevik was here, Tevik was talking to him and looking at him. It had to be another nightmare.

 _Please God, let it be a nightmare_.

Jim was twenty-eight and Tevik had already gone through Pon Farr last year, if the loss of Vulcan or his bondmate didn't affect him like it did others. Jim's fear spiked up and he commed Bones.

“My room, now.”

Bones came running. His face pale, he entered already talking, “You okay Jim? Is it your Lannects? How are you feeling?” Jim just pointed to his neck roughly and Bones hyped him several times. “You okay?” Jim collapsed into Bones and took deep, loud inhales. He couldn't do this, he tapped out.

“Put me on sick leave.” Bones looked like he was in a nightmare himself, right before he asked, “What?” “Just put me on sick leave, Bones. I don't, I can't leave the room.” Bones calmed him as much as anyone can calm someone in the middle of a severe panic attack. He then disappeared, leaving Jim huddled underneath his blankets. When the door swished opened it wasn't Bones to collect him but Spock looking just as worried.

“Jim.” The tone, the deep eyes, even Spock's walk totally gave him away and Jim closed his eyes. “I can't Spock. I just can't.” He didn't know what he expected from Spock but the harsh, almost furious, looking expression that flickered on his face was not it.

Jim swallowed as Spock sat on his bed next to him. “Tevik T'Zch was your bondmate?” Jim flinched and tried to shake the memories that came with that name. Spock didn't move but he kept talking, “I assumed your bondmate perished with Vulcan. I have not felt the entirety of your mind, Jim. But I do believe I could help you with this.” Jim laughed hollowly and chocked out, “How do you plan on doing that?”

Spock took a moment to think about it and then said simply, “I will stay by your side. I will make sure he does not approach you.” Jim blinked back tears and tried to compose himself. “You don't even know what he means to me. You don't know anything about us.” He felt more than saw Spock wince at his words and Jim frowned, finally looking up at him.

Spock, Spock the one Vulcan he could truly count on. He reached out and took his hand, Spock clasped it and Jim said, “I was on Tarsus when he... when it happened. We were friends Spock or at least I thought we were. It was...He loved Sam. Sam died. Everyone died. It was too much. I was thirteen.”

Spock's eyes widened as he finally understood. A Vulcan killed his brother. A Vulcan raped and mentally tortured him, Jim was terrified. He was alone. He didn't know which one was worse.

A half hour later, Bones walked in to see Spock laying down and Jim almost sleeping, huddled up into him like he did back on Casven. Bones eyes widened and Spock clutched Jim closer, Jim just smiled tiredly and said, “I'll be on duty tomorrow morning.”

Spock spoke unnecessarily but calm and detached, “I will stay here to monitor Jim's health. You can leave doctor.”

Jim almost chuckled but he soon fell asleep, for once in a couple months feeling safe.

* * *

 

The safety ended the moment he was out of Spock's presence.

The next morning, Jim was on edge and avoiding the Vulcans on the ship like he would die if he saw them. He spent his whole shift not once leaving his chair. Then he spent the rest of the day in engineering. He was only pulled out after midnight when Bones forced him to eat something.

By one o'clock, Spock came to fetch him and drag him back to his room. Once more they spent the night together. Jim was feeling a little babied, a little weak but a larger part of him was grateful, even if it meant he had to drag out some pj bottoms that he never really wore. When Jim settled himself on his side, Spock spoke though carefully, “Jim, would you tell me about him?”

Jim tensed and asked, “Who?”

Spock didn't reply, knowing Jim was avoiding it. Jim sighed and turned around to face his current doctor. “Are you playing shrink?” Spock looked confused as he said, “I am merely curious. I don't mean to hurt you.” Jim flopped around until he was laying on his back. He sighed and said, “I was a kid, Spock.” He felt Spock move, agreeing. “Yes, you were. You grew up with him, however, I suppose I wish to know what it was like for you.”

Jim didn't look at him as he released his clenched jaw enough to say, “Short answer, terrible. Awful. Our minds weren't compatible. When I was little, Te-he was like my saviour. Smart, smarter than anyone around, kind and honest and seemingly interested in what I had to say. I had someone for the first time at my level of intelligence. It was intoxicating. Of course, I was a little shit so his family didn't like me much. I followed him and Sam to Tarsus. Then when it all happened, I sort of changed, I guess we all did. But they looked to me and I got us through it before I was captured.”

“And Sam died when rescuing you.” Jim nodded, seeing those images again. “Yeah, Tevik kind of flipped then. He went to town on Sivath and truthfully that Vulcan deserved it. He huddled in our cave for days, shaking, not eating or talking. I tried to help him, told myself I could trust him, that he's Tevik not my torturers.” Jim swallowed hard and continued slowly, “He found me just outside. I had gone for a walk, I just, I needed out. I was only a mile or so below the rest of them. I thought I could trust him but he went to meld with me...” Jim stopped and Spock didn't need to hear anymore. He didn't reach forward, just inched slightly closer.

“I am sorry.”

Jim smiled and replied, “It's illogical to apologize for something you didn't do.” Spock nodded and quickly responded with, “But it is logical to say those words when one is sympathizing. Jim.” Spock hesitated and Jim waited, “I will have to one day undergo the Fever. I do wish to bond, I want that stability but I am frightened of having a mind tied to mine that one day might not wish to be with me any longer. I am also frightened of having a mind, a person in which I will spend my entire life with, yet lose them as I watched my father do with mother. That breaking, I am not so certain I am different from Tevik in that way.”

Jim turned over and faced Spock. Seeing him, focusing on his Vulcan features, and smiled, saying, “You'll be alright Spock, you're strong, stronger than you know. You come from a family who was determined that you be born; ancestors, who were the first to go against the norm and follow Surak, you have strength in your blood. And Spock...you're nothing like Tevik.”

Spock's eyes softened at that, as if he hadn't known he wanted to hear that and he was glad it was said.

Finally Spock said, “Your bond was broken when you died.” Jim nodded, silent. Spock almost sighed, Jim could see him holding it back.

“I'm sorry,” Jim said quietly. Spock glanced up at him waiting.

“I'm sorry that, that moment wasn't just between you and I. It should have been.” Spock's lips twitched and he said, “If I recall Mr Scott and Nyota were both there.”

Jim chuckled and said, “Okay. Anyway, just you know...stay close.” Spock nodded.

* * *

 

Spock woke him up before he wanted to get out of bed. It took Spock physically pulling the blankets off him to get him up.

“Tonight,” Spock said over his tea cup, “you will go to bed at an appropriate time.”

“What are you, my mother?” He winced at his own statement seeing the urn right before he put on his shirt. “I have been intrusted by Doctor McCoy to keep an eye on your health. You are not at optimum health as of yet. A full night's sleep with do you well.” Jim was mouthing the words and he stopped when he realized Spock could see him.

“What?” He asked with a slightly amused, slightly embarrassed smile. Spock just offered him his coffee silently, his eyes showing his amusement.

Jim was okay, up until lunch time. Spock and Bones both roped him into having lunch with the rest of the crew. He managed to get himself a salad (earning a brow raise from both men) and sat himself between Spock and Bones. Sarek was seated next to Pavel and both were talking about some equation that Jim's mind wasn't up to calculating with them. Instead, he nodded at the older Vulcan who nodded back before returning his attention to the genius.

“Any reports I should know of now?” Jim asked taking a bite of his spinach. He forgot how good it was. “Nope. Everything is not running smoothly.” Scotty said before slapping Keenser's hand away from his real soda that he had smuggled onto the ship. Jim did not in any way take notice of it.

“Not running smoothly?” Sarek asked, his head tilted. Spock replied for everyone, himself, long since used to their illogical talk. “Mr. Scott believes if he were to say that the ship is running smoothly something will come and ruin it, thereby when there is no damage or danger, one does not comment on it. It is a human superstition.” Scott, right then glared at Spock and said offhandedly to Jim, “He's ruined it. Something's to happen. Jim, not my fault.” He ate quickly and slapped Keenser a few more times before jumping up, his mouth still full, he said, “Be 'n ngeering.”

A few of them wrinkled their noses at him as he, Keenser, Nyota and Carol all left. Bones looked back, trailing his girlfriend's departure until she turned back at the door and blew a kiss. Jim shook his head at them. Honestly, couples weird-ed him out sometimes.

Then before Jim could even say another word the other Vulcans came into the lounge and got some trays to go up to the food processors. Jim tensed and tried to eat his salad without really tasting it. Spock glanced up and then edged closer to him. Jim was too tense to even raise his head in gratitude. They sat down at their table and greeted them. Jim nodded and then Varen spoke.

“James, I thought you would like to know in the last month New Vulcan has seen great progress with Taura Vallan grain. It has completely stabilized as well as integrated seamlessly into our fields. It is truly fascinating.” Jim nodded and said, “Thank you. I appreciate the update and I hope it brings long lasting success.” Varen raised his head and dug into his own Vulcan dish.

Conversation went around the table and Jim was only slightly relaxed when Tevik finally spoke to him. “I was wondering, Captain Kirk, how your Esrex project was going? That is, if I am not overstepping my bounds.” Jim swallowed but found he could actually answer that question. “I researched the twelve different equations but I couldn't figure out the connection between Rickmor's quantum leap and Henly's prediction of anti-matter.”

Tevik nodded, his eyes thoughtful as he asked, “Did you try using the dilithium?” “For what purpose?” “Your charges were off by one point two percent, am I not correct?” Jim nodded and Tevik went on, “If you used a small amount of the crystal it would not affect your experiment but it could be used a stablizer for your control.” Jim actually thought about that and then found himself surprised he didn't think of that.

“Huh.”

“So how is it that you two know each other?” Pavel asked.

Tevik blinked and Jim surged forward, only not fast enough because Tevik replied, “James was my bondmate.”

Silence.

Fuck.

Bones gaped and then said, “No.” Tevik raised his brow and said, “As I was bonded to James for thirteen years, I do believe I am correct in stating it.”

Jim let his head fall and his heart rate doubled. Spock beside him tensed and Jim raised his head to pay sole attention to his meal. “Seriously?” Bones asked him and Jim nodded. Slowly, he saw Bones frown and then do the math, he too, soon nodded and went back to eating. Jim loved him.

Tevik nodded and went back to eating. The tension around the table was high and Jim tried once more to eat his salad. Tevik asked, “Are you going back to being a vegetarian?” Bones snorted and then after Jim didn't say anything, gaped and said, “You were a vegetarian?”

Jim shrugged and replied to Tevik, “I still eat meat. Just not today.” “You need not change your eating habits to suit us.” Jim shook his head and replied quickly, “No. I know. I wouldn't.” Tevik didn't press and when Bones repeated himself, he replied for Jim, “James was a vegetarian for nine point three four years.”

Jim frowned and said, “Eight point nine.”

Tevik blinked and then replied back, “I disagree. That year you had to force yourself to eat it and only had meat twice, and only had half or less before throwing it out.”

“Okay, that's just creepy.” Sulu said.

Yeah, they hadn't seen each other in fourteen years but they still knew everything about each other. Creepy was an understatement. Jim finished and soon was standing, his heart rate still high.

“I have to go to the science labs. Project and all. Spock?” Spock, only half done, rose up and followed him out, covering his back until they went out into the hall.

* * *

 

 “Never let me call you a cold bloodied hobgoblin, again.” Bones said sitting down next to Jim and Spock.

Spock raised his brow, looking both surprised and amused. “What do you mean?” Jim asked.

“That Tevik is one stone-faced freaking statue. I thought you were bad, your practically human.”

“Hey.” Jim said in defence of Spock.

“Sorry.” Bones said quickly, not at all sorry and he continued, “Your bondmate? You were bonded? To that? What the fuck?” Carol came in soon and flopped down next to Bones, who immediately wrapped his arm around her.

“You were bonded?” she asked and then explained, “Oh, Bones, Hikaru and Pavel told everyone. As in everyone, pretty sure Pavel commed a few people Terra side too. Yeah.” She smiled but it turned kind when he winced.

“Sorry.” Bones said and then he went on to say, “I just couldn't keep it in. I ranted. I rant.” Jim smiled and said, “It's okay. I just. I don't want to talk about it.” His headache was officially back and officially hard to handle. “The reason you might experience difficulty with Tevik,” Spock said, stone-faced, “Is that he is one of the few practitioners of Kolinahr left. He is in the process of purging all emotion from himself and gaining inner serenity.”

“You don't need to purge emotion to get that.” Spock looked back at him and Jim smiled being honest.

Jim spent that afternoon talking to Varen and T'Pau. He spent three hours talking to the High Priestess and only stopped when they were interrupted by Sarek and Spock. Both blinked at him from the doorway and Jim stood. “I'll leave you for your family. Tomorrow?” She nodded. He past the other two males and nodded to them saying to Spock, “It's alright. I'll see you later okay.”

Spock nodded but he could feel his eyes on his back as he left. Jim made sure not to wince under the bright lights.

* * *

 

That night he had the worst nightmare.

The next day was spent flinching and remembering hands on his hips. He bit his lip hard enough to bleed. He ate a steak, almost too rare. Spock asked once again if he needed a meld. Jim declined and slept alone that night (he insisted).

He spent day five avoiding everyone again and slept in the Jeffries.

They had two days left of their trip when Tevik found him.

Jim immediately wanted to run, his eyes wide. Slowly, he breathed in and was determined not to show any emotion. He looked up from where he was bolting in a panel in the empty lounge room, having fixed the fuses. He took his time putting Scotty's tools away in their box and rose slowly.

“How can I help you?” Jim said, emotionless.

Tevik didn't speak for a moment before he said, “I am undergoing my final trial once we get back to New Vulcan. In order to complete such a procedure I would like to put to rest our past together.” Jim froze and couldn't help what came out of his mouth, “You think it's that easy?” Tevik tilted his head in that way Vulcans did and Jim wanted to hit him. Hard.

“I believe it could be if we allow it. Before our bond broke I conveyed to you my guilt and sorrow. I wished to tell you that I treated you poorly, exceptionally poorly. You were my bondmate and yet I could not fathom having you tied to my mind. You are powerfully emotional as well as unorganized. I reacted on basic instinct when I...I went underwent Pon Farr. You were the only one near me with any kind of bond. I do wish to say I am sorry and that you did not understand many of my emotional eruptions at the time.”

Jim snorted and said, “Really?”

Tevik nodded, not at all readable. He spoke calmly, rationally, “When you felt disgust, anger and frustration from myself. Only once did I ever feel it towards you and that was when I was first coming into consciousness. I did not know what or who you were, only that you were not George. In those years in which you felt those emotions, they were directed at myself completely. You merely felt them because we could not block each other properly. I felt as if I had betrayed not only you, and you did matter to me, James. I felt as if I had utterly betrayed your brother. I know he would never have forgiven such an act. It wasn't the fact that we were bonded that I wished to purge me emotions. It is the fact that I am alone, that George would never forgive me for what I have become. I cannot change the past James, but know that I truly did not intend to harm you.”

Jim leaned against the wall and swallowed. “I hate you. I've hated you more than anything I could remember. Kodos, Vulcans, I lived off my hatred for you.”

“I am aware.” Tevik said quietly.

Jim nodded, replying, “Good. I want you to live Tevik, I've got to a place where I don't want to kill you or see you die and it's taken a long time to get there. You screwed me over in the worst possible way. I'm fucked.” Jim chuckled humorlessly at that.

“I just...I don't ever want to see you again. Next time this ship is picking up your race make sure you are not on it, okay. Can you do that?”

Tevik nodded and said, “I will. Goodbye James.”

“Goodbye Tevik.” Jim sighed and didn't move until he saw Tevik leave.

Only then did he slowly crumble to the ground giving in to the pounding of his mind.

Fuck. Jim was not going to cry.

* * *

 

 “Are you sure?” Spock asked again and Jim clenched his jaw. “Just do it!”

Spock kenlt in front of him as he sat on the edge of the bed. It was the last day, a few more hours and they'd drop everyone off. He had done it, he had gone on duty, he had kept busy, he even had conversations with the Vulcans. But now his paranoia was through the roof, he spent the morning having his back against the wall. Everyone was asking if he was okay. He hadn't eaten or slept. And his headache was almost as bad as the day after he killed Hailian.

Spock put his fingers against his temple and Jim clenched into the end of the mattress, forcing himself not to move. “It would be better if you could relax.”

Jim shook his head and said, “Not going to happen Spock even if I wanted it to.”

Spock nodded, closed his eyes and spoke in Vulcan. Slowly, slower than Jim ever experienced one of these, he felt warmth enter through him. Jim sucked in his breath as his mind slowed and focused on this oddity. Tiny trials of warm water or wind or something soft was brushing through him. Jim was still focused on Spock, on the room around him. He felt his lungs expand, his heart rate calm down and slowly, Jim didn't know how long and that fact actually didn't bother him, his mind became less raw. He wasn't panicking, he wasn't bracing under the pain.

He liked this warmth, Jim finally decided. This was nice.

Curious, he tried making it go all over, tried to connect with it and make it smooth all parts of his mind. He didn't know what he did but the moment he felt a brushing against it, almost a cooling sensation, he felt a wave of lust that made him gasp.

Shit, Jim thought, right before Spock jumped and disconnected their meld.

Gasping, Jim felt cold all of sudden from the fast breakage. Spock, still kneeling was actually blushing. Jim grinned both surprised and embarrassed said, “Sorry. My bad.”

Spock nodded, not looking at him. _Great Jimmy, just great_. He needed to get laid before they did this again.

“It is no concern,” Spock said looking completely composed now (Jim was jealous since he was still panting slightly), “melds are extremely intimate in nature.” Jim nodded. He finally felt okay enough to get a few hours in of sleep before they docked and Spock stayed with him until he drifted off.

* * *

 

Spock found himself briskly walking down the corridors. Jim's mind had been chaotic, painful and Spock felt fury rise up in him. Tevik, the Vulcan had been Jim's bondmate, his friend. Spock clenched his jaw and tried to control himself. It was an impossible task. How could he have bonded with Jim and not have cherished him? Jim was the most complex and fascinating individual he had come across that was human. The very fact that when Jim was so young, too young, he had been taken against his will, and then treated as if he were nothing....Spock took a deep breath but his eyes narrowed as he saw Tevik.

Cadets around him, widened their eyes and got out of his way as he made his way forward.

“Tevik, may I have a word before you depart?”

Tevik looked at him and nodded. The very fact that Tevik would be undergoing Kolinahr grated against Spock's already thin walls. He did not deserve peace after what he had done to Jim's mind. A mind that both brilliant and vulnerable, both confident and self-defeating. All of Jim's insecurities came from his childhood, from Tevik and his stepfather. Jim deserved better than this.

Spock laced his hands tightly behind his back as they stepped into a close conference room by the transporters. He spoke in Vulcan, more comfortable in the fact that what he had to say should be logical, not at all emotional and too many words in Standard had a double meaning. “I wish to convey that the Enterprise will not be receiving you any longer. Should you need transport or need of the Fleet in the future you will contact the Admiralty and request not having this ship. You will not go near James Kirk again in his lifetime.”

Tevik's expression didn't change as he asked, “Have I done something to warrant your hostility?”

Spock felt an emotional kick to his stomach. The fact that this Vulcan chose to call out his human half, made Spock's fury take over. Spock stepped forward and said, “Yes. You've done plenty, Ti'amah. You are not the kind of being that this ship takes in respectfully. You will leave and never hail this ship, if I am in command know that I will not answer any comm from you, in any circumstance.”

Tevik now raised a brow, knowing that even a distress call would go unanswered. Finally, something seemed to flicker across Tevik's face as he said, “James has expressed the same sentiment, although perhaps less... officially. Know, that I feel grief for the pain I caused him. He is truthfully exceptional.”

Spock did it before he could stop himself. He lashed out and punched Tevik in the face.

Tevik did not in any way get to praise Jim after what he had done, he did not get to know the complexity of Jim's mind, of his character. It wasn't right. Holding back the urge to snarl, Spock reigned himself in as Tevik finally showed emotion.

Shocked, Tevik raised his face and touched his cut lip and bruised cheek. Tevik composed himself and said slowly, almost understandably, “He is your mate.”

Spock stayed silent, shocked that Tevik would think such a thing. But Spock let it pass, if Tevik believed such then it was more incentive for him to stay away. Vulcan's couldn't lie, but Spock knew they were well averse to omission.

Tevik nodded, once more stoic and said, “I will not be back. You have my word on such.” Spock inclined his head, and said lightly, “Good. If you ever are, I will not be held accountable for my actions. I am half human and therefore slightly more irrational.” Spock walked out and lead the way to the transporter room.

Jim and Sarek were speaking together with the rest of the Vulcans waiting. Spock made his way toward Jim, who glanced at him and then stared. His eyes widened as he looked from him to Tevik. Spock kept the wave of anger at that down and it helped when Jim held back a grin by biting his lip. He said goodbye to his family who were looking slightly more disappointed in him though not as much as he had feared. His father actually seemed slightly pleased.

He did nothing to hide the cut on his knuckles as he gave them the ta'al. Once they disappeared, Jim leapt at him and embraced him in a hug, laughing.

“Holy shit, Spock,” Jim released him, still smiling, “Have I told you that you're my favourite Vulcan ever, lately?”

Spock stopped his lips from twitching as he replied, “Not recently.” Jim laughed again and wrapping an arm around him lead him past the staring cadets and Engineering CO.

“Well, remind me to do it more often.”

As he and Jim conversed, he looked at Jim and a part of his thoughts kept coming back to being mated. Bonded. James was probably the last person he should think of when bonding.

His mind refused to listen until he walled up the thought.


	15. Shocking Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait! I had a horrible flu along with jet lag and just couldn't write a damn word. So as promised here's the next chapter and it's long one! So I hope you all enjoy it and please let me know what you think!

Jim relaxed against Spock's side as they watched a holopic in rec room three. People were laying on the ground, squishing each other on the couches and eating real popcorn that Jim had bought in bulk on Zanna Mi for the hour he and Spock escaped down there. Now they were only a few hours away from Rickor and biding their time. Jim for the hundredth time offered the bag to Spock, and for the hundredth time he declined looking less and less pleased. Jim grinned happily and took a handful.

Glancing down when his comm went off, he excused himself before he could ruin the good part of the film. Spock glanced up but Jim waved him down as he left the room. It was Sana Kor, Jenna appeared on the screen. “You're going to want to take this call in private Jim.” Frowning, Jim said, “This better not be any bullshit, Jen. I have shit to do.” She rolled her eyes at him and then said, “Comm me back,” before ending the call. He sighed and went to his PADD in his room. Smiling, he entered his true password, one in which the Admiralty didn't know even with all their snooping. It was the fail-safe password in which saved him in that trial, the one Spock knew to be fake and had tripped his coding and had sent all truly classified documents to his Zanna Mi PADD, it was another reason why he insisted on going to his apartment. Jim never entered four digit pass-codes, they were always at least ten characters.

Opening it up, he pressed for private call and got a hold of Jenna again. She got right to the point by saying, “I got a hold of Micheal. He's right near Rickor right now working on some security thing. He's cute now by the way, still crazy though, he said he'll meet you when you land.” Jim just stared for a bit, actually letting that sink in.

Micheal, the boy who had been caged up beside him, the one who never had true healing melds. The one person who knew what hell truly looked like. Shit. A long time had passed since they had last saw each other. He slowly nodded and Jenna once more rolled her eyes. “Okay, well, see what he can give you for the Crucible. Mitchel might be a cold hard bastard but he did always have a soft spot for his mirror image.” Jim narrowed his eyes and then thought about it. This is what they'd been waiting for, Micheal, the boy whose brother had killed their sister. The only one probably more messed up than Jim himself. He hated the fact that he couldn't just have a social call, that they couldn't get together like Jim and Mason had. Jim sighed and said, “You should send his comm number to me. I'll get in touch with him.”

Jim spent the next two hours more nervous than ever. Micheal. Jim shook his head once more and couldn't believe he was about to see him. He stood on the transporter and nodded to Scotty who'd be coming down next. He beamed down and his first sight was to be greeted by Sam Hen who smiled widely at him, Spock and Nyota. The man was average height and build, with brown hair and completely human. Jim's first expression was that the guy was completely forgettable. His next thought was that it could come in handy to be so average. Jim would have loved it back in the day. Sam waited until Scotty and Pavel, the last two, beamed down as well to greet them, “Captain Kirk, Commander Spock and everyone, welcome to Rickor Three. Please, make yourselves at home and enjoy the Star Base.”

Jim nodded and shook Sam's hand. “Thank you very much. We're having your supplies be shuttled in, due to their size and quantity, it should take no more than an hour.” Sam nodded, smiled again and said, “Thank you very much for that. Would you like me to show you around or would you prefer to explore yourselves?” Jim was surprised he had an option and said, “We'll explore for now but meet up for dinner later?” Sam smiled yet again and nodded. “Have a wonderful day, I'll see you all later.”

Spock frowned and came to his side. “How will we observe Mr. Hen without being in his proximity?” Jim grinned and said, “First off, he'd never drop any face in front of us. Ask around, see what the locals think of him. Someone has to know the truth. I'm leaving that to you, though, is that okay?” Spock now seriously frowned before he asked, “What will you be doing instead of working on the mission?” Jim slapped Spock on the shoulder and then saw him.

 _Christ, it was like going back in time_. Micheal was wearing a black turtle neck and jeans, his leather jacket was fitted and pushed up to his forearms, revealing a thick bracelet on one wrist and four watches on each arm. Jim saw the same one Mitch gave him years ago. He looked older, handsome, and as strong as he and Mitch had hinted at being even at fourteen. Jim swallowed and Spock's eyes followed his gaze. His crew all tensed seeing where his focus was and Spock stepped forward, his hand moving to bring Jim closer.

It was that movement that made Jim pay attention and he quickly said, “That's not Mitchel, guys. That's his brother, innocent.” Bones blinked and Sulu actually whistled and said, “Damn, they look completely identical, besides the hair.” _Besides a few things_ , Jim thought. He nodded to his crew and said, “Listen, I'm meeting up with him and I need to do it alone. No, Bones, seriously. He's an old friend and I need this.” Jim gave a hard look to Spock who looked like he wanted to protest. “I will see you all at dinner at Sam's place of residence. Meet me there.” Slowly, very slowly, everyone nodded and he still felt their gazes trail after him as he met with Micheal.

The man was broad close up, muscular and tense. His eyes constantly shifted. “Hey buddy,” Jim replied and suddenly it was like he was seeing the old Micheal, the one from before the famine. Micheal smiled, relaxed and then reached out to hug him tightly. “Hey, Jimmy.” Jim smiled and said, “So, where do you want to head to first?” Micheal smiled as he released him and said, “There's supposed to be a nice billiard pub on West Street.” Jim nodded and both headed in that direction.

* * *

 

Spock tried not to frown as he gazed at the woman in front of him. She had said what multiple others had confirmed as well. Sam Hen was sexually assaulting women and allowing the Star Base to run questionable and secretive transports as well as had many official documents either erased or difficult to access as most of the information was omitted, lost or deleted.

Spock was just making his way to Lieutenant Sam Hen's place when he spotted Jim and Micheal. Jim was laughing at something Micheal had said and the familiarity between them was obvious. Spock couldn't help but feel a wave of emotion. He didn't know what to name it as he allowed himself no time for doing so. He walked forward and called for Jim. Spock saw Micheal tense when he neared but Jim smiled with his hand on Micheal's arm, greeted Spock. Spock, instinctively neared Jim, almost into his personal space. Jim did not seem to mind as he said, “Hey, Spock. I was just headed to Hen's, how'd it go?” Spock raised his head and said, “I gathered some information in which might be considered useful. This is Micheal Gary?” Spock did not let his eyes off Micheal for he looked ready to attack him.

Micheal's eyes went from him, to Jim and then down at his watch and back again. Spock did not frown but he wished to then. Jim nodded, “Micheal, relax, Spock's a friend. He's different. Mr. Gary here works for a security firm doing encrypting in several different systems.”

“Really?” Spock asked, intrigued. He knew those who attended Arcadia had higher than average intelligence but being hired as encrypter required not only intelligence but a fluently in coding as well as logic. “I would wish to hear more about your career at a later time if you wish to explain some finer details to me.” Whatever he said caused Micheal to flinch and Jim reached over to comfort him. Spock tried not to find the gesture frustrating. “How about we meet up tonight? We can go over what you know about Victor?” Jim asked Micheal. He nodded and said his goodbyes before walking away. Spock frowned and asked, “Did you manage to gain anything useful?” Jim shook his head, looking tired but hopeful, “Not yet,” he replied before easily falling in line with his steps. “Tonight though, I just might get something. Mitchel took on some new crew members that Micheal had previously known. It might get us an advantage if they are less than enthused on being stuck in that position.”

Spock couldn't help but protest but Jim shook his head, speaking before he could, “It's one thing signing on to be a smuggler or a thief. It's one thing for someone to want to be famous and known throughout the galaxy. I don't think anyone in that life can truly imagine what it's like on that ship before they get there. I also need to get in touch with a few past associates, see what they've heard recently.” Spock nodded and saw that they were nearing Sam Hen's residence. The crew were waiting for them outside. Everyone braced themselves for what was about to occur and once more Spock found himself looking on towards the finest actor in all the galaxy.

Sam Hen was gracious, unassuming and confident. He gave all information about shipments, orders and the going on of daily life. He was a good liar, one of the best. Unfortunately, he was seated opposite James Tiberius Kirk. Spock had to blink a few times and adjust his own language because James was no longer their extraordinary captain, nor was he the owner of Sana Kor. Spock knew intimately the brilliance of his mind, how he could program the ship's systems blindfolded (a feat he had actually done in rec room two) how he could hack and hide files from every security network in the galaxy. Jim had on occasion even beat him in strategy and coding. A feat not to be underestimated and extremely rare for a human.

But in front of him was James, womanizer, lucky-bastard and the boy from Iowa. He was artfully playing dumb, joking and laughing alongside Hen. “So tell me, how is it running a ship across the galaxy?” Jim smiled and looked down, giving what Spock knew to be a calculated and tightly-thought expression of bashfulness. He answered after glancing at Spock. “Really, it's my Commander that does most of the reports and logistics of the daily running of the Enterprise. I owe it all to him.” A very compelling lie. James was a master. He held Hen exactly where he wanted the man and the rest of the crew watched on in bafflement and for their part, played it as well as they could.

The next two hours went by smoothly but Spock was wondering when and how they were going to get Hen to confess or otherwise be caught. “If you don't mind Captain Hen, I would request that my crew and I spend the night here. I'd rather not walk back now.” It was the first hesitance that Hen showed before he nodded. “Of course, you and your crew are welcome here. I'll have Navine show you to your rooms.”

* * *

 

Jim didn't exactly know where to go from here. He spent most of the night trying to get a plan in place. The first couple were too simple, the next endangered his crew and the last ended up with Hen dead. He was leaning towards the last with what Spock had informed him with. Spock sat beside him, straighter but stretched out like Jim on his bed.

Jim sighed and tiredly said, “I think we should start with Jade-”

“That would not work. Her and her mother are too terrified.”

“What about Prix and-”

“Again, Hen has them indebted and terrified. I believe she would be more incline to turn on us than him.” Jim sighed and let his head fall back to the headboard. Cushioned, it didn't even let him hurt himself to concentrate. Spock gave him a look and asked, “How is your headache?” Jim smirked and said, “Depends on which one your asking about. My Broken-Bond Throb Headache is actually at a three but my Hating-This-Mission headache is at a seven.” Spock's lips twitched but he didn't say anything else. “Hey,” Jim narrowed his eyes and without wanting the answer he asked, “Does Hen just assault women?” Spock tensed bedside him and Jim could practically hear the growl Spock looked ready to give him.

“You are not going-”

“No, I'm not, but if we can set him up, it'd be official evidence. I can't get any document that ties him to his shipments but the amount of assaults he has against him. Nyota and Carol are too tough, I've seen the type he likes. If we can get him in a position in which is bad enough, we can nail him.” Spock was already shaking his head and he said, “I do not believe that to be the best course of action. We should continue looking into the illegal practises involving smuggling and embezzlement. It is the least likely to result in the attack of one of our own.” Jim breathed a sigh and then rubbed a hand down his face.

“Okay, I'll try hacking into it again tomorrow morning. Maybe...maybe I'll get Micheal to do some snooping in the launch bay. We'll see if we can pick up any associates of Hen's.” Spock nodded much more relaxed at that plan, though, Jim did catch the slight tightening of Spock's jaw. “You don't like him, do you?” Jim asked, fully laying down and stretching. Damn, he was tired. Spock looked down at him and did his not-frowning-expression that Jim always smiled at. “I have not conversed with Mr. Gary enough to either like or dislike him.”

“Huh-uh. Why don't you like him? He's quirky but he's a good guy.” Spock looked away from him and Jim frowned. Spock seriously did not like him. He waited his Vulcan out and Spock soon spoke. “He tensed when I neared him. I thought for a moment he might attack me.” Jim nodded and winced, he tried his best to explain, “Micheal never really got better, Spock. Not really, he knows that you won't hurt him, he really does but his mind just doesn't compute it. He's in constant defence mode when there's a telepathic species around. I had to keep telling him you're different.” Spock nodded and looked down at him before saying, “You two are very familiar with each other.” Jim snorted but nodded as well.

“It's weird, but like Mason and Jenna, when we got back together, it was like no time had past. We could talk about anything. Micheal...Micheal went through hell with me, he experienced it with me and he got me through most days. He really did save me, he kept me going, remembering why I didn't want to be left alone in the void. I owe him more than I could ever repay. We're pretty even on the fucked up life scale.” They sat in silence for a bit until Jim yawned.

“Are you going to stay?” Jim asked without realizing it. “I do have to meditate. Would you prefer me to stay with you?” Jim was about to reply when a thought made him freeze.

 _Holy shit_. Laying here, with Spock's body heat seeping into him (although still slightly cooler than him), asking him to stay the night. _Shit, this was couple shit_. He suddenly thought of their nights together, granted, it was mostly for his healing but he'd wake up curled into the Vulcan, enjoying the slightly cool skin, the slow breathing under his ear. Sometimes, Spock wrapped his arm around him, curled into him.

 _Holy fuck_.

_No Jim, no! You do not see Spock as...as....that way!_

He swallowed and knew his expression was one of shock and bafflement. He couldn't help it. How had he not noticed this before? Sure, Spock was good-looking, everyone knew that. Anyone with eyes, that was (Bones not included), he was brilliant, witty, and absolutely trustworthy. He was also a fucking Vulcan. He was a he. Jim did not do. _.he's_. Jim's heart, however, was pounding in his chest.

“Jim?” Spock asked, concerned. Jim practically jumped out of his skin at that. His reaction caused Spock to look even more worried. “Uh...um...” _Fuck Jim! Why did you let your mind go to that?_ He hadn't thought that way in years! “Actually, you know what, I think I'm going to try sleeping on my own. Gotta grow up some time.” Jim looked away as his cheeks heated up.

Dammit, he was a fucking idiot. Trying to breathe normally, he watched as Spock, looking confused but not hurt, nodded and wished him goodnight. Jim only sighed was the door closed and he was left alone. He wasn't tired any longer, he spent most of the night telling himself that he didn't find his first commander, his best friend, his most (tied with Bones) trusted person, attractive. The fact that Spock stood up for him with Tevik, the fact that they spent the last couple of years saving each other, relying on each other, that Spock had been in mind for Christ sakes, none of that mattered. Spock was his best friend and nothing had changed that. Nothing would change that, Jim took a deep breath and did his best to wipe those thoughts from his mind.

Sure he looked, if he was being honest with himself (he usually wasn't when it came to this) he looked. He noticed how Bones' eyes lit up every time they joked. He noticed the other men back in the Academy, Mason who tackled him to the floor more times that Jim counted. Tyler, who had come on to him the bar and completely freaked him out. Jason, who was truly the best dancer he ever came across. Jim swallowed as those thoughts once more consumed him.

For the first time in over a decade, he actually let his mind wander. He relaxed his breathing and tried to slow his heart, his head, still being okay with the recent meld between Spock and him, wasn't blaring at him. For the very first time, he allowed himself not to think of curves and softness. He didn't think of the small hands, the soft breasts pushed against his body, the wetness of a ready woman. He thought of hard muscles, of lines and dips. He thought of a muscled back, those strong arms encircling him, holding him. He thought of that pressure against his chest, the hair that would scrape against his, the rough, large hands that would grasp him closer, Jim's breathing heightened and he opened his eyes not realizing he shut them.

Sitting halfway up, he panted, trying now to block it out. Only now that he let himself go down that way, he couldn't stop it. He groaned, as his mind betrayed him, yet again. He felt those imaginary hands on him, felt the chest against his back. A deep voice saying his name, biting his neck. Jim's breathing hitched the moment before he decided to fuck it all. He quickly reached down into his sweats and grabbed himself. He was already hard and aching. He bit his lip the moment he started stroking. Having no mercy on himself he was ruthless, rutting into his overly fast pumping. He groaned quietly as he imagined being buried deep inside a man, having his strong legs wrap around him, large hands twisting in his hair as he fucked him. Jim grabbed onto the sheets as his desire and need heightened to a whole new level for him. He had to stop himself from yelling at the power of his climax.

_Fuck!_

Jim pushed his face into his pillow as he kept stroking through it. He shook and finally relaxed as the wave of pleasure lessened. It took a few minutes for him to move after that. His one thought after coming down was that he completely screwed now. Jim closed his eyes and tried to push it all away. He cleaned himself up with sharp and cold movements.

Feeling dirty and lonely, he didn't get any sleep.

* * *

 

Spock frowned as he saw Jim pick at his breakfast. Judging from his eyes, he hadn't slept, though he had been tired when Spock left. He would have to make sure to spend that night in his room. Jim slept eighty-seven percent more peacefully when he was there than when he wasn't. Spock tried not to tense as Hen came into the room. The crew grew more awake but did greet him good morning. It was disturbing to him that they needed to continue this charade. He only relaxed when Jim nudged him and they excused themselves to go outside.

Walking down the block, the streets already getting busy, Jim stopped him next to a closed food stand. “Micheal and I went out last night.” Spock immediately tensed at that, illogically, his anger spiked. “Why would you not alert me? I told you that I did not need sleep.”

“You were meditating.”

“Something that I could do at later time, you put yourself at risk and our mission. You should not-”

“Spock! C'mon, Micheal-” Spock barely managed to stop embarrassing himself from hissing. But seeing through him, Jim knew he was angry, and he narrowed his eyes on him. “What is it that you find so god-damned horrible about him?” “I have already told you that I have no-”

“Stop lying! He's been an amazing help during this and he did it without me having to explain anything. The fact that he's willing to help us at all-”

“I do not find it 'amazing' that you went off with someone not even from your crew. You were careless and...” Spock took in a deep breath, noticing that he was about to say something uncalled for, he shook himself. It took longer than expected to reign in his temper and Jim wasn't looking close to doing so. His jaw tense, his body ridged, Jim asked, “Are you really angry that I left with him? Or are you just angry that I didn't take you with me?” Spock took in a sharp breath as Jim stepped closer. “Whatever your problem is with him, get over it. Micheal's coming aboard the Enterprise and he's going to be there to help us take down Mitchel. You're going to be seeing a lot more of him.”

“You have not seen or heard from Micheal Gary in over a decade, yet you trust him so completely in a mission as important as the Crucible? It is completely against your own personality to blindly follow someone as unstable as that man.” Jim glared and then nodded stiffly, angrily he said, “Fuck off Commander. You know what, I'm done. Thought I'd give you some good news, I'm going to talk to the others.”

Just as turned, making Spock's chest tighten, Jim turned back and said, “You know what, I'm pissed at you. This whole thing is so fucking overblown.” Jim raised his arm and still glaring at him, practically growled out, “I'm taking this damned thing off for today. How's that!” Spock snatched his wrist before he could take off his bracelet. The same one Jim had sworn he wouldn't remove, the same one that he almost died over.

Before Spock could even think about what he was doing, his shields shook and he reacted. All of his emotions swirled together and none of them were identifiable as he crushed his best friend to his chest. Jim was about to say something when Spock lowered his mouth to cover his. All of his emotion turned immediately to heated lust. He felt Jim respond with as much desire, as much force. His lips were soft and his tongue swiped against his own masterfully. Spock felt his need flicker down his spine at their connection, he felt all of Jim's desire.

He pushed his Captain against the metal gate, holding his body firmly and completely between his own and the wall. Jim groaned into their kiss and Spock felt his desire spike at the position. Spock almost let himself smile, before he bit Jim's lip. Scarred hands travelled up his chest, tickling his throat and cheeks, making Spock grind harder into him. Jim gasped right before he tightened those hands in his hair.

Spock wanted this never to end. His entire mind and body was consumed with Jim, with his lips making every mental wall tumble and his hard body sending waves of heat throughout his. He had never been so utterly and masterfully controlled. Jim's taste was exotic, completely...male and salty, the smell of his cologne was light and yet mixed perfectly with his natural musky scent. Spock released his lips in order to dip his head to Jim's neck, inhaling and immediately memorizing it. He licked a patch of skin, letting his tongue trail over Jim's stubble. Jim gasped, his body jumping and thrusting even more closely to Spock, if that were possible. “

Shit..” Jim gasped and whispered, “Spock...please.” Feeling his heart pound in his abdomen, Spock bit down, making Jim jump more, his head pressed down into Spock's neck. “Fuck...fuck, fuck.” Spock was about to smile, when he they both jumped.

Unfortunately, this one was not as pleasant.

“Hey! C'mon! Get away from my space. I got to work for a living! Go back home and do that! Geeze, there's kids around, you know!”

Both Spock and Jim were panting, wide-eyed and in shock. Jim stared at Spock and then both of them looked around. Some people were still ogling them, others just shook their heads and moved along. Spock found himself shaking, and he couldn't believe what he'd just done. The old man huffed and Jim grabbed him, stiffly guiding him back to Hen's house.

All the while, Spock's heart hammered and he tried to ignore the hot pressure on his wrist.

* * *

 

Jim was pacing. Again. He couldn't stop. He didn't freaking believe this was his life. He was dreaming, or having a nightmare. He couldn't decide.

Bones sat in front of him completely glazed over. Jim was pretty sure he just killed his best friend. His other best friend. Fuck.

“Are you sure?” Bones asked for the hundredth time.

Finally, blushing slightly, Jim sighed and said hotly, “Yeah, Bones, pretty sure I was there being practically fucked in front of everyone.” Jim was exaggerating but it made Bones wince and Jim forced himself to sit on the couch. His room had never seemed more small than right that minute. He felt as if he were going to jump out of his skin. He was hot, itchy and worst of all, fucking horny.

Spock. Spock.

His Spock. Jim let his head fall into his hands as he said for the hundredth time, “What does this mean? Was it just a reaction, was it just a mistake? Oh my god, does he have feelings for me? Bones, he's not like that. He was practically married to Nyota. Oh, shit, she's totally going to kick my ass.” Bones now looked more like himself as he said, “Nyota's not going to kick your ass. She's doing fine as far as I can tell. And he wasn't married to her, pretty sure they didn't even get close there in his view, kid. Also, I have no freaking clue as to that hobgoblin's emotional state. You're asking the wrong person on that one.” Jim sighed and changed subjects.

“How long until General Kaden arrives?” Bones checked his comm and said, “Fifteen minutes.” He nodded. Micheal and him had found the evidence on Sam Hen using his men actually trying to smuggle Taxen four right that night. Once they'd captured the seven men, it took no time at all for them to give it up on their leader. And they had documents. Once it was made public that Sam Hen was headed off for jail, his victims came forward in a huge wave. Jim winced seeing their faces and their absolute relief.

Which lead him back to the memory of trying to tell Spock that they'd succeeded, only to have the best fucking make out session of his life. He could feel those hands all over his body still, exploring, grasping, squeezing his ass as he pulled him so fucking close their erections had ground together. Jim tried his best not to get a hard on with Bones right beside him. That would take awkward to a whole new level.

Bones finally leaned back and downed another glass of whiskey before he said, “Thing is Jim, you can't worry about what he's thinking or feeling.” Jim turned to glare at him only for Bones to keep talking, completely ignoring the expression that had frozen warriors in their steps. “How you are feeling about it, is what you should be thinking about.” Jim frowned and looked away.

He bit his lip. The same lip that he could feel Spock's teeth nibble. Jim groaned and rubbed his head furiously, trying to get those memories to go away. “How the hell am I supposed to know that?” Bones smirked and poured him a drink. “Don't worry, we have all night to go over your underdeveloped emotions.” Jim sighed and downed his drink in one swallow.

* * *

 

Jim spent the day going over everything. He had gotten drunk, slept in (not being waken up by his First Officer) and now sat in his chair occasionally glancing at the back of Spock's. He hadn't spoken to him outside of business and now Jim totally got why Spock had those puppy eyes, months ago. Cold shoulders really hurt. _Hurt a lot more after that great kiss_ , his mind tortured him with. He couldn't find peace. He liked it, that he knew for sure. He wanted to feel that again, he'd never been more turned on, EVER. But it was Spock. Not only was Spock a Vulcan but he was also his best friend. Which more and more, Jim thought of. He trusted Spock even more than he trusted Bones. He had given Spock his mind and that was no small feat.

But this...this took him back to a hard cot and a room full of boys. Of pain and crying out, he remembered the burning, the way it felt to be pinned down and helpless. Oddly enough, when he had been pinned with Spock there, he hadn't had a flashback. The moment they had been back inside Sam Hen's however, he felt Frank on his back, felt his breath and his hands. It had sickened him to the point where he had to throw up in the bathroom. It was the first time in years, he had remembered that as clearly as he once did. It was the same dirty, humiliated feeling he got every time his mind wandered even close to that.

Jim clenched his jaw as his gaze focused back on his reports. Spock had filled out requests for the science labs and had checked over all the requests of the other departments. He had even filed (in order of most important) the number of supplies they had picked up and the amount they had used on those that they hadn't been able to replenish. His First Officer was truly the best in the Fleet. Most of this wasn't even his job to do.

After their shift, he barely managed to catch Spock. “Hey,” he called out. Spock stopped, a good sign but he was ridged and formal, not a good sign. Jim's heart started to race and he subtly wiped his hands on his pants. “Can we talk?” Jim winced at his own question. Spock was completely blank, something Jim wasn't liking, and he nodded once. He lead Spock to his room, somewhere he knew this conversation had no way of being overheard.

Once inside, however, both of them were completely awkward. Jim coughed and asked, “Would you like some tea?” “No thank you, Captain. I am not in need of any refreshments.” Jim nodded. After a few moments of them standing there, he sighed. “Okay,” he said, bracing himself, “let's sit down.” The couch felt smaller than it ever had and Jim was mutely aware of Spock's leg just centimetres from his own. Before he could speak, Spock went for it.

“I wish to apologize, Captain.”

Jim looked up at him to see that ridiculous blank look. Jim didn't give in and asked, “For what exactly.” Now he saw a flicker of emotion, disbelief. Jim almost smiled, yeah, he was going to make Spock say it. Spock looked away and said, “For my treatment of you yesterday. I meant no disrespect and I truly do not wish to hurt our relationship as it stands.” Jim frowned and sat back. He tried thinking this through but just like all the other times, he came back confused.

“Why did you do it?” It was Jim's turn to look away. _Did Spock have feelings for him? How? When? If not, why screw with him this way? Did he even want Spock to feel that way?_ Jim tired to shut out all of his swirling thoughts and focus on the silent Vulcan beside him. Spock opened his mouth but took a few more moments to speak. “I...I have meditated on that for seventeen hours and I do not have a definitive answer. I am sorry.” Jim sighed and let his head fall back.

Closing his eyes, he said, “So, we made out.” He felt Spock tense and continued, “We can totally put this behind us, you know. It was...I don't know...an emotional couple of months.” He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Spock and, his heart pounding, he asked calmly, “Do you want to just forget about it? And no, no rhetoric Vulcan speech about your eidetic memory.” Spock looked back at him and Jim tensed, his eyes, eyes that Jim had long cherished looked deep and intense.

“I find myself at a loss at that question. I have no wish to disturb our friendship, however, I cannot lie and say I did not enjoy what we did. I...' Spock glanced away as if steeling himself to what he was about to say, looking back at him, Jim took a deep breath as Spock said, “...I do wish to do it again.”

Jim swallowed and couldn't help but glance at those tinged lips. Pale and softer than anyone would imagine. He looked away before he asked, “Spock, I trust you more than anyone, but doing this...I don't think it'll be wise, do you even like me that way?” Spock looked shocked at that question. “You sound as if you have no positive traits in which I would find alluring.”

Alluring.

Jim was not going to blush, he leaned forward and said, “We are the last two people who should consider anything...you know...romantic.” Jim was going to need to dig himself a grave soon. “I'm the worst choice for you to make. I'm emotional, illogical, as stubborn as you, which by the way is hard to pull off. And I can't do a relationship long term. Certainly not to a Vulcan.” That made Spock tense. The unspoken broken bond, the one thing that would keep Jim alone and both of them knew it.

Still, Spock said, “You are brilliant, loyal, fair, courageous, determined and compassionate. You have many redeeming qualities and I do find the prospect of a more intimate relationship with you to be compelling.” Jim swallowed as he felt his whole body shiver at that. This was the very first time anyone had said that to him. He couldn't help staring back at Spock, seeing the truth written on his face. Spock was being serious, he actually wanted him.

“When did this start? How?” Jim was completely baffled. _How had he missed this?_ Jim's own emotions had become more reliant on Spock over the past couple months, he had wanted his respect, his attention. It was Spock that saved him from Hailian, Spock who had held him, melded with him, Spock who got him to open up, he always protected him, even from himself. Jim took another breath, wanting his hands to stop clenching.

“Jim, I understand.” Spock's voice was quiet, but Jim still caught the slight hurt in the undertone. “Spock, you know why I'm saying what I'm saying.” Spock nodded, though he did look more withdrawn _. Dammit Jim, he always screwed shit up_. He sighed and Spock said, “I do not know when I started to have more romantic intentions, only that I have come to knowledge of them presently. I will once more apologize for my behaviour and I will not react that way again. This will not effect our standing with one another, will it?”

Spock looked at him so desperately behind that wall of calm. Jim clenched his jaw. _Not react that way again_ , Jim knew Spock would hold himself to that. Jim would never feel those hands on him, never feel Spock's lips or his bite. Desire flickered fast and fierce through him and he lurched forward to pull Spock into a passionate kiss.

After a moment of shock on Spock's part, he immediately reacted, grabbing onto him, Spock moved until they were both stretched out, with Spock covering him. Between kisses Spock said, “This is not what you reasoned for.” Jim smiled before he nipped Spock's lip and said, “Illogical human.” He then reached for Spock's hand and tried his best to convey all of his emotions, as messed up as they were, as well as try some Vulcan kissing. It must have worked because Spock's body went ridged right before he descended for more.

Jim hadn't felt this amazingly turned on ever. There wasn't any pain, only heat and for once he wasn't tense or watching the door. Even when he had felt comfortable with Gaila, it hadn't been this good and they still had their clothes on. Something of which, was now bothering him. Slipping his hands underneath Spock's shirts he took them both off in one movement. Now that was better, Spock's lean build was all muscle, his chest held a small patch of soft black hair that lead down below his pants. Spock only raised his head for a moments in order to take Jim's shirts off as well. Jim had never found his body as attractive as he played it. Even when his scars were removed, he had felt more alien in his body than in charge of it.

Now with Spock's hand slowly moving across his chest, fingering his nipples, caressing over his old wounds, he saw the heat in Spock's eyes, that amazing dark passion that had Jim arching up into him. “You are beautiful.” Spock breathed and Jim, this time around, couldn't hide his blush from that. Jim entwined his hand in Spock's hair and leaned up to kiss him, in awe of the man who actually believed that.

Frantic, both men held each other tightly, letting their bodies lay flush together, arching into one another. Their kisses were harsh, full of bites and heat, Jim moaned and arched up as Spock surprised him by cupping him and rubbing. Wrenching his lips away, he gasped out, “Fuck, Spock.” He swore he felt those lips twitch as they sucked at his throat. _There's no way, I'm ever saying no to this again,_ Jim thought. And yet, still the thought that he was doing this with Spock, Spock, had him in shock. It wasn't until Spock told him to stop thinking so much that Jim tried to not find this so surprising.

After all, it felt fucking great. That was until Spock moved to grab his hands, caressing them, leaving tingles going up his arms and straight to his already hard cock. Everywhere Spock touched Jim could feel those shocks and the underlying emotion, heated, harsh and yet distant, completely Spock's. And that want, that need had Jim crazy, they were already rutting against one another way too hard and fast. He knew he'd come in pants like some kid any second. And then Spock pinned his hands above his head, intending to move to licking his chest, instead, Jim went ridged and a wave of coldness went through him as his fear spiked.

He was pinned, he was with a Vulcan, holy shit. Almost just as fast, Spock's head snapped up and let go of Jim. “I am sorry, Jim, I did not mean to, you are alright. It's me. I will not harm you.” Taking deep breathes, still thankfully lustful, Jim nodded, seeing Spock. His Spock. “It's okay.” Before Jim could do anymore, Spock moved them, after a moment, Jim found himself now on top of Spock. Blinking at this new position, a wave of satisfaction went through him.

Oh, he liked this position. He sat up and grinned, grinding down against Spock's hard cock. “Like that?” He teased, Spock's eyes were darker than he'd ever seen them, as fiery as when he was furious. This was the feral side to him that Jim loved to tease out, this definitely turned him on. He leaned down and bit, kissed and caressed his way down Spock's neck and chest, earning himself little gasps and tightened grasps against his shoulders and hair. “I've never done this before,” Jim breathed out, ready to be naked already. It hadn't even been five minutes yet and both of them were passed ready. “If you don't like it just stop me.” Spock frowned slightly as Jim undid his pants. Spock's voice was rough and deep as he said, “I will not be stopping you any time soon.” Jim laughed as he pulled down Spock's pants and briefs.

Not letting himself back out, he surged forward and licked his way up Spock's shaft, making him jump and gasp loudly. Now that his Vulcan enjoyed. He tightened his fist in Jim's hair to a delicious level and Jim grinned as he engulfed Spock's cock in his mouth. It took Jim a few sucks to get it right and a few more moments to get his hand in a right rhythm. It was only as he had Spock withering under him and his moist dick in his mouth that he really paid attention to the thickness, the taste and fuck...he loved this. This was something completely new to him, untainted from any memory. It was good and Spock tasted both sweet and salty, an odd mix but one Jim liked. He sucked harder, pumped faster, feeling Spock's cock twitch and swell, he knew he was close.

He let his free hand move up and pressed it flat and hard against Spock's hand. It was all it took and Spock came with a held back yell, his whole body tense and his head thrown back. Jim rutted against the couch, wanting to come from the sight of Spock, but he didn't release him until he knew was completely spent.

Spock, if anything, became even more needful. He lifted Jim effortlessly and pulled him up in order to fiercely claim his mouth in a scorching kiss. His hand found his pants and hurriedly undid them. Spock growled against his mouth, tasting himself and Jim. He practically melted as Spock growled out, “I want you naked, now.” Taking a sharp breath, Jim and Spock tried to hurry out of there clothes.

 _Holy shit_ , Jim thought, underneath his crushing want, he was still fucking in shock. _This is happening_. Spock grabbed his cock and stroked fast, mercilessly. “I believe I owe you.” Spock breathed before twisting just right. Jim moaned and thought, _Fuck YES, this is happening_.

He leaned down to kiss him when both of them went flying off the couch.


	16. Brothers; Forever and Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN!DUN!DUN! OH My God! This chapter was the absolute hardest to write! I could not believe how frustrating it was. For days I could only write a sentence or two. Many times I was too busy to actually sit down and concentrate. Others, whenever I went on my computer I found myself googling something or watching a show. This chapter just would not flow for me. But I did finish it (WAY WAY LATE) but it is done! I am soo sooo soooooooo very sorry for how long I made you guys wait!!!!!!

Jim and Spock fell off the couch as the ship shook from the blast that sounded loudly and suddenly.

Laying in a heap, tangled and panting, they were both shocked back to reality as the sirens started blasting. Pavel commed them saying loudly and slightly panicky, “Captain, Captain to the bridge! It's the Crucible! They're attacking us!”

“Shit, Shit. Shit!”

Jim didn't really think, he leaped up, quickly followed by Spock and buttoned his jeans. Still breathless, he ran out of his room with Spock hot on his heels. They had a few awkward seconds in the lift trying to straighten their appearance (Jim having to take his shirt from Spock who silently handed it to him, completely embarrassed that he had forgot it) but then the doors opened and chaos took over. Jim immediately concentrated and focused.

“Talk to me.” Jim called out.

“The Crucible appeared out of warp drive.”

“Shields are at seventy percent, Captain.”

“Low damage to decks eight through eleven. It's a warning shot, Captain.”

“Captain,” Nyota called out, “The Crucible is hailing.” Jim swallowed and nodded, “On screen, Lieutenant,” he called out, paying no attention to Micheal coming in the lift behind him. Jim tensed as he saw Mitchel on screen, he grinned, looking relaxed and even happy. “How are you doing, Jimmy? I hope you don't mind if we cut your warp drive, do you?” He asked with a grin.

Spock immediately started attacking his station, only to look up a second later, saying, “Warp drive has been deactivated, Captain, along with immediate boosters. We cannot move. Our shields also appear to be at ten percent, Captain.”

“I think we should continue our little chat, don't you think?” Mitchel asked, looking calm and natural, ignoring the tension and fear of Jim's crew. Jim clenched his jaw and picked up his PADD, Mitchel tensed and thankfully was distracted by Micheal stepping forward by his chair. Jim didn't pause as he authorized his codes, his heart racing in fear. This was going to end badly. He could feel it. He sent an SOS and hoped he wasn't screwed over.

Mitchel's eyes widened as he took in his other half. He, for a moment, looked utterly stunned. “Micheal?” Micheal looked afraid and if Jim had to label it, he looked at his brother with resigned longing. “It's been a long time, Mitch, you look well.” Jim just finished the log-in and pressed his override when Mitchel narrowed his eyes. It had been only seconds, and Jim knew they were completely screwed. It was three days to the closest Star Base. He knew with Uhura's worried glance to him, they couldn't reach outside communications.

And Mitchel looked back at him and his PADD, his eyes narrowed and said, “Why don't both of you come aboard? We'll have a Tarsus family reunion.” Jim was about to say something, when he felt it. Panic was the first thing he felt as he sharply turned to look at Spock. Spock, already looking at them, bolted up from his chair and raced to him. Jim only just managed to say, “Save them,” feeling fear engulf him as he and Micheal were forcibly beamed out of the bridge.

In a flash of white light, he and Micheal found themselves standing on the bridge of the Crucible. Jim reacted purely on reflex. A tall, broad man reached for him and he lashed out in rapid succession. He hit the man's check, surprising him, before he kicked out at his shin, having him fall down on his knees. Next, before he could bolt up, Jim grabbed the man's head and twisted. Before anyone could move, the man fell dead at Jim's feet and Micheal positioned himself to fight as well. Before others could attack them, however, Mitchel laughed.

Jim finally looked up, seeing the once familiar room again. His heart started pounding, really taking it in. The screen was wide in front of him, bright and showed his terrified friend's faces. Jim caught Spock's gaze. He stood in front of the Captain's chair, he had moved forward and looked...Jim took a step back purely on instinct.

Spock looked the exact image of Sivath, terrible, frightening and murderous. The only difference was that Sivath had been fiery and chaotic in the end. Spock looked absolutely cold. It took a second to realize he wasn't looking at him that way. He was looking at Mitchel who turned away from him. “Release Captain Kirk and Mr. Gary back to our ship, Mitchel, or bewared, you will suffer the consequences.” Jim's heart skidded at that fully emotional voice.

Tense, cold and harsh, Jim gulped, not knowing what was going through Spock's mind or what he was planning, however, he knew Spock was being serious. If Spock didn't die, if they all didn't die, he'd hunt Mitchel down and kill him, himself. Jim looked at Mitchel and said, “You better listen to my First Officer. He get's cranky when people are that stupid to ignore him.” Mitchel instead just shook his head, still smiling, he spoke carefully, lightly, “Jimmy, you know what you're problem was all those years ago?” Jim clenched his teeth and glanced around at the crew members who held phasers at him and Micheal.

“Why don't you enlighten me?”

Mitchel stood up, his gaze slowly moving over his brother, he approached him, making Micheal tense. Slowly, he reached out and gently took his brother's hand, the watches across his forearm glistened as light hit their bands. “Your problem was that you never faced your fears. You run like a coward, you never truly embraced them, never truly conquered them.” Mitchel's blue eyes turned to him, Jim's heart stopped and he stepped back. He could feel his whole body turn cold, he knew the blood had drained from his face. He shook his head, not believing Mitchel had broken into Sana Kor.

He would know, Jenna would fucking know.

“Jim!” He glanced at Spock, hearing his crew calling out orders, trying to break into anything, trying to save themselves and him, right before Mitchel took out the Xanth Ri,  a weapon he had named the Xan-Pen. It was Jim's own invention, one he had shoved into the vault of Sana Kor like so many others. It was the only one he had completed. He shook his head in denial. Mitchel couldn't have gotten it. He couldn't have.

“Oh Jimmy, you didn't think you were safe there, did you? You didn't think I forgot about how you were? You used this in it's experimental stage. I believe a Romulan died during it, didn't he?” Jim flinched and stepped back again as Mitchel stepped forward slowly. “Now, I know Micheal here won't be too affected, he didn't get raped and tied to one of them, but hey, let's see just how sensitive to telepathic warfare you really are?”

Jim launched himself at the nearest crew member, Ana, the same Ana he had got to come aboard over ten years ago. Just as he grabbed the phaser from her now-broken hand, Mitchel laughed and pressed down on the small, steel pen-like device. Just like that, Jim's whole body snapped tight, his mind was no longer on the ship, it was no longer his. The whole room disappeared as Jim was swept up in a raging storm of pain. He was on fire, unable to think, unable to connect back to his self. That hole that he knew was his broken bond, swept into a rampage, it cut and bled into every crease of his mind and Jim screamed as that broken thing took over. He felt all of his pain, his loneliness, his paranoia and his hyper-alertness come back up.

He was alone once again, painfully, utterly alone.

He wasn't attached to anything, the galaxy around him was dark and empty. He felt as if he'd float away, his mind crushing in on him. That raging emptiness in his head reached up to crash in on him and right before it did- -

Jim found himself back on the bridge.

He stopped screaming once he realized he was the one making noise. Instead, he curled in on himself, shaking, sweating and his eyes darting around the room. He needed out, he needed to get away. His mind was throbbing so painfully, Jim wasn't surprised to find his nose bleeding. Only then did he see Micheal on the ground a little away from him. He too was shaking and panting, though he looked more scared for Jim than himself. Jim only managed to raise his head slightly, seeing the sickening smiling faces around him. Mitchel stood, looking more strong and savage than Jim could predict. He was sweating but otherwise, he seemed immune to the affects of Jim's weapon.

Quickly, Jim glanced at the screen, seeing his friends face's staring at them. Many of them were looking more horrified than ever, a few looked like they wanted to rush into the screen and race into the fray to get them back. Spock had his eyes closed and Jim knew, at the close distance between their ships, Spock had raised impressive shields to block the physic wave and Jim had a sharp spike of fear at knowing just how strong Spock was telepathically. Not many full-blooded Vulcans would have been able to do that.

Spock opened his eyes and looked right at Jim. He flinched as a wave of fear hit him and glanced back at Mitchel as he walked towards him. Jim tried to move, he tried to fight but his body too beaten by his mind that was still blasting against him, refused to move an inch. He was still shaking as Mitchel bent down and said calmly, “I'm going to kill your friends, Jimmy. Slowly and painfully. I'm going to blast the best flagship Star Fleet has into a million pieces of floating scraps. And you're going to beg me to kill you by the time I'm through with you. Consider it repayment for Millie.”

Jim looked up and narrowed his eyes, still shaking, he managed to snap out, “You're a fucking sadistic lunatic and Millie's murder was all on you, you piece of shit.” Mitchel stood slowly and suddenly kicked him hard and fast right in his head. Jim was knocked sideways from the sudden assault. Mitchel kept on kicking him, his head, his stomach, ribs and then he stomped a few times on his face, breaking his nose and cheek bone. Jim gasped a few times, but he managed to stay conscious and alert as best he could.

Two men Jim didn't know or recognize picked him up, along with two more picking up Micheal. He just started to move, intending to fight back when Mitchel sighed. Mitchel threw the Xan-Pen toward the man holding him and said, “Lock them up for now. We're just getting started.” The men nodded and the blonde one, looking younger than Chekov but surprisingly strong and well-built, grinned as he pressed down on the small button.

Jim's last image was Spock demanding something and all his friends looking just as furious, determined and scared.

His last thought before darkness consumed him was that this would be the last time he saw them.

* * *

 

Spock tried to hide his shaking as he heard Jim's scream stop abruptly, his heart was racing in his side and he felt a powerful wave of fury consume him, it overrode the pain of Mitchel's physic weapon. Glancing at Mr. Montgomery, he was about to speak before he was cut off. “Give me a sec, give me a bloody sec, here.” Mitchel grinned at them as once again the ship was knocked by an explosion that rocked the entire ship.

“Major damage to Deck eight and nine. We're blocking off the corridor in deck seven. Seven injured, three casualties, Captain. Shields at forty percent, Sir.” With a nod, he gave Sulu permission to start torpedoing the Crucible. The enemy ship managed two direct hits, but their shields were extremely impressive, their blows hardly caused any damage.

Spock buried his worry and stress as Mitchel laughed and said, “It was nice knowing you, Spock. Do you have any last words that I could pass along to Jimmy? A love note, at all?” Spock heard Scotty whisper and he replied, “Yes. You can tell him, I'm coming and I'm going to kill you.” He cut the communication as the crew all turned to look at him.

“Sulu, you have the conn, use whatever torpedo's we have. Scott, walk with me and tell me what you have. Nyota contact security, I need Lieutenants Tate, Hendroff and Callahan to meet me in conference room 3. Now. We need to get aboard the Crucible immediately-”

“Sir, how do you plan on doing that with-”

“Might want to make that the transporter room, Comman- Capt -Sir.” Scotty pipped out awkwardly. Spock nodded, hurrying out of the bridge with Mr. Scott, still confused he took the offered PADD from Mr. Scott. His shock was apparent on his face for one point seven seconds before he controlled his facial features. Jim was brilliant and he felt a burst of admiration. It also explained why their ship hadn't been blasted so powerfully yet. Jim had authorized an otherwise never-seen-before invisible plasma blast, something that wasn't exactly listed on their ship.

It had gone through the Enterprises controls as well as all surrounding subspace. The blast had disconnected the Crucible's warp drive as well as raised the Enterprise's shield's to maximum, something that by now should not be possible. What was more important was that Mitchel's ship had their shields down to ninety percent and that transporting on their ship was now a possibility. Jim had made the Crucible a beatable ship.

For now.

As Spock scanned the coding, he knew Mitchel Gary would find a way around it and knew it wouldn't last more than fifteen minutes if Mitchel knew the way that Jim worked around his systems. Spock did not want to calculate the odds of that.

He met his security team in the transporter room, already having discussed Mr. Scott's idea. While the codes had unintentionally blocked the majority of their weaponry, they could still attack from the inside. Spock nodded, as he strapped on his belt with his phaser in it. He turned to Hendroff, already counting down the minutes they had left.

“We need to get Jim and Micheal out of the Crucible. By my estimate, Captain Gary will have access to his photon torpedoes in less than thirteen point four minutes. We need to be back here, before their shields raise once more. Lieutenant Scott and Ensign Chekov is currently working on being able to dismantle the Crucible's shields when we have full power. Mr. Scott?”

“Aye,” Scotty called, looking up from the console. “We are ready.” Montgomery gave him a serious and intense expression as he said, “Good luck Mr. Spock.” Spock nodded once more and got his phaser out and ready as white light blinded him and he disappeared.

* * *

 

Spock immediately started firing as soon as he materialized.

They had emerged in one of the Crucible's busy corridors and crew members immediately started firing at them. Andrew Tate was hit right away, the wound burnt through his throat and he collapsed, struggling to breath through the blood flowing from his wound. Spock bent and picked him up, calling out, “Move.”

Spock hadn't turned on his phaser to stun and he shot and killed three of the Crucible members to the right. They ran and manged to find an empty training room. He laid Lieutenant Tate down and held back a sigh. He had known the moment Andrew was shot that he would perish. Matt Hendroff sighed looking ready to cry and beat someone simultaneously.

“I did not wish to leave him there but we must go.” Karla Callahan nodded, tense and grabbed Hendroff's arm. “Let's go make them pay.” Hendroff clenched his jaw, forced himself to look away from his friend and nodded.

Spock felt a moment of relief that their security team were less inclined to give in to chaotic emotions.

No matter how painful, they had a mission and Spock did not wish to leave them behind.

* * *

 

Jim was going to break. He was going to tear and crack into a thousand pieces until he never again was able to to patch and glue and fight himself back together again. The pure agony of his mind had consumed him. He coughed on blood, smelt the decay of rotting flesh and wondered...was it his? Throughout the darkness he tried looking for something, anything that he could recognize or remember. There was nothing, nothing but pain and the overwhelming, blast of emptiness. Then he felt something completely unknown. He didn't know how to categorize it. Distant, soft and...gentle? He knew those words like a long forgotten memory and tentatively, frightened and yet even more frightened of not moving, he slowly reached out, ready to move away as quickly as possible.

Suddenly, he gasped.

Completely shocked out of his own mind, Jim bolted up and then fell off his cot. Panting, gasping, and squeezing his eyes shut from the shocking bright light, Jim threw up and curled into himself. The pain was gone but the shock at having come out of it was worse, it burnt through the gaping hole in his mind and threatened to consume him. The only thing that saved him was distant humming. The ringing in his ears wasn't imaginary he realized as slowly the world came into focus around him.

Blurred from a distance he saw a dark shaped man running toward his cell. Sirens, the noise was coming from sirens. And he realized then that his cell was open. The man running to him came into focus and Jim jumped up, staggering under his disorientation but ready to fight. Before he could attack the man stopped in front of him and said, “I'm not your enemy Jim. It's me. It's me and I'm not here to hurt you. We have to go.”

Jim blinked and slumped in relief. “Oh, thank god you're okay,” he coughed out, only making it by the skin of his teeth Micheal grinned, for a moment looking exactly like his brother and he grabbed Jim's hand before the two of them started running.

People were shooting everywhere, the entire ship was in chaos, smoking consoles, damaged hallways and some of the ceilings were coming down, the ship was taking heavy fire. Jim didn't know how long he had been trapped by that weapon, by his own mind. He called out rasping, “What the fuck happened?”

“Don't know,” Micheal answered before tackling a man and stabbing him in the neck. It was messy yet performed perfectly, if brutal. He grabbed the man's phaser and then tossed him the spare. “I think it was your people,” Micheal continued, “Explosions rocked the ship...five minutes ago,” Mitchel checked his watch and nodded to himself before he said, “Yeah, five minutes ago...and the power went off for a second. I managed to hack into your cell after I took care of the guards.” Jim nodded, worried and trying to keep everything straight with the blaring in his head. “We need to do something about Mitchel's weapons. Once he get's power back, the Enterprise won't be able to stop him.” They were nearing the Engineering room and Jim came up with a hazy plan about blowing up the weaponry.

“We need to do something now.” Mitchel gave him an intense look, one that conveyed all of his inner turmoil. “Jim, you need to get back to the Enterprise. You can't even walk straight right now. I...I heard you screaming and then...then you just sort of stopped. I don't know whether you can take this and carrying you is going to hamper our chances of surviving.” Jim argued and forced himself into the Engineering room.

He hacked the nearest console for thirty seconds before Mitchel gained power back. Fuck. Both of them froze as they heard the distant sound of torpedoes being launched. Double Fuck. Jim ran, falling down when once again the ship was rocked backward from a blast, his head and back hit the railings hard. Lights flickered and the ship tilted a bit before finally settling.

Jim groaned from the pain of his mind. He really wasn't liking the flickering lights at all. Managing to get up, he missed the woman pointing a phaser at him. She shot the same time Micheal did trying to cover him. Falling down, Jim called out, feeling the burning pain stretch outward from his chest. It felt as if he were drowning and he tried desperately to move.

Panicking, Micheal hurriedly leaned down and hushed him. “It's okay Jim. It's okay. I've got you.”

Almost just as fast, he started to blur and the world started fading, making him panic.

Once again, Jim passed out.

* * *

 

 

Spock shoved the man in front of him before reaching quicker than any human and snapping his neck. Hendroff winced as he turned to look over at him. Spock had to push down his fury and desperation as he turned to Karla. “Have you found Jim's location yet?” Spock tried to stop his emotion from leaking into his tone, though by Karla's tension, he must have failed marginally. “Not yet, Sir. Oh...I have Micheal's though. He's on deck three and headed...I think he's headed to the bridge.” Karla turned from the smoking and flickering console, with a smile on her face. She was about to tell him something when a knife soared through the air to lethally carved into her thigh. She gasped and Spock turned to fight the man coming through the door.

By the time Spock managed to steal the man's phaser and kill him, Hendroff was shaking, holding Karla he looked up at Spock and said, “She's gone. She's...Fuck!” Spock inwardly winced at Mathew's yell.

“Lieutenant, we need to find Jim and Micheal before-” Spock was cut off as they were thrown to side of the room. Once more, a blast sounded through the ship. It was heavy battle, the Enterprise was giving something good but it made this rescue even more dangerous. They had only just escaped a blasted open deck that had killed twenty-three people who had been holding phasers at them. The fact that they had been able to escape was almost purely by luck.

Hendroff yelled as they rolled across the walls only then to be thrown back onto the ground, harshly. Karla's body, limp and bloody made a harsh thud on the ground that had Mathew holding back a sob as he landed on her. Spock hurriedly leapt up and grabbed the man. Forcibly, he marched them out of the room and back into the corridors. They needed to go to the bridge, knowing Jim, if he had somehow gotten free with Micheal, they would take on Mitchel themselves. Unfortunately, Mathew was injured. His head having hit the walls multiple times was bleeding heavily and Spock knew he was suffering from a concussion. He also had multiple broken ribs and a few phaser shots of his own.

Finally, the shaking ship steadied and Spock and Hendroff split up. Mathew forced him to leave, making his way, determined yet unsteadily back to the transporter room. “I'll secure it for you,” he called and Spock forced himself to push down his guilt and worry, instead focusing his own thoughts on getting Jim out and making sure his was okay.

Phaser fire flashed across the next corridor and he ran into the lift. Spock just managed to duck in time and launched out of the empty lift and into the fighting. Spock fired his phaser at two Crucible members before he fell backward, behind the Captain's chair. Only barely keeping from hissing, he felt pain explode in his side. A phaser wound he observed and one that was too close to his heart for his liking. Spock just pointed his phaser at the man when he crumpled already shot.

Looking to his left he saw Micheal, only being identifiable by his watches. His face and clothes were covered with blood, bruising was around his throat and face along with scratches and as he ran towards Spock, he realized he was also limping. “Here,” He tossed Spock a boolean gun and then tensed as if regretting the action. “Where's Jim?” Spock called, ducking from a blast that took off the top of the chair. Both Spock and Micheal shot at the remaining defenders and panting, with another phaser wound to his shoulder, Spock stood up fully, realizing Mitchel was not here.

He turned sharply to a tense Micheal who clutched his phaser as he said, “Jim's aboard the Enterprise. I managed to beam him out.” Spock caught the tone in Micheal's voice and said quickly, “Jim would not have left the Crucible willingly. He is wounded? Is he all right?” Micheal looked away, racing to a console. Keeping Spock in his view, he looked up and said, “He's alive. He's okay. He's gonna be okay. We got attacked when I carried him back to the transporter room. He took a chest shot, Spock. Among others.”

Spock went to the least broken console nearest him and managed to get the view screen up. Both men stopped what they were doing. The rocking of the ship, the chaos it was all explained. Not only was the Enterprise back in action, firing at them.

So too, was a Klingon warship.

“Holy, shit,” Micheal breathed before he snapped back to his screen that beeped. “I found Mitchel. He's in the Armoury.” Spock found himself running alongside Micheal Gary down the broken, smoking and bloody corridors. People were laying dead everywhere, others were still fighting harshly. Spock almost hissed as he fell when they neared the well-defended Engineering room where Mitchel had escaped to. He had multiple wounds now, but his most pressing was still the phaser wound near his heart. It was still bleeding and he could only concentrate eight point two percent of his mind on healing it and decreasing the pain.

When they managed to get inside, Mitchel was programing something into a terminal. He looked up, blood dripping down his face from a cut on his forehead, he looked like he had just been in a fight as dense as theirs. He grinned when he saw them and said, “Glad you could join the party. I was wondering when you'd show up.” Just then he pressed in a quick sequence and both Spock and Micheal tensed at the rumbling that went through the ship.

“What did you just do, Mitch?” Micheal called out sounding worried and afraid. “Why is it that everyone forgets I'm just as good at programing as Jimmy is? Honestly, it's incredibly irritating. As to answer that lovely question, little brother, I'm about to explode the Enterprise.” Spock and Micheal both shot their guns at the same time, Mitchel dodging just in time.

The fight that followed eerily reminded Spock of Khan. He felt the same fury rise inside him, his worry and his fear for Jim, for their crew combined, made him react emotionally once more. Spock rose up as Mitchel and Micheal aimed for one another. Micheal got in a blast that managed to disarm Mitchel for barely a moment.

It was all he needed.

Launching himself forward, he attacked Mitchel with everything he had. Fury blinded him to his own pain, he tackled Mitchel to the ground before shocking him with a full force punch. Spock heard the crunching of bone distantly as he threw himself at Mitchel. Snarling he went to snap the man's neck when he felt the lashing of that mental weapon. With his walls almost completely down and his emotions flared, it struck harsh and bright. Spock almost screamed, only his harsh training made him cut off the yell from his mouth. His back arched and his whole body froze as his mind was burnt from his consciousness.

He heard Mitchel's laugh from a distance as he pushed him off. Shaking, bleeding, half his face was black and blue with an indent that had to be furiously painful, Mitchel shakily stood. Spock concentrated the best his mind would let him in the middle of the assault. Laying on the floor he watched wide-eyed as Mitchel stared at his brother. Micheal, Micheal who was just as broken and shaking, wincing and staring back at his mirror image.

Mitchel grinned lopsidedly, it looked even more frightening and insane with half his face broken. “Micheal, I knew...I knew you'd come back to me. We need to leave. You and me...let's go.” Spock's eyes flickered to Micheal, his vision blurred for a moment before he managed to erect enough of his walls to concentrate on bodily function. He managed to see Micheal holding that weapon. Mitchel hadn't used it.

Shock was the first emotion he managed to name, next came a wave of anger. Micheal had betrayed them, betrayed Jim who fought against him to let the man help. “Mitchel, I couldn't...” Micheal glanced at him and he saw the brutal fight that was taking place internally inside the man in front of him. “I couldn't let him kill you.” Tears started falling down Micheal's dirty face and both men jumped when another blast rocked the ship. Falling the men scrambled and Spock felt a moment of relief as the weapon turned off.

He once more tried to attack Mitchel, he only managed to get a hold of his arm before Micheal screamed, “No, Spock!” Snarling, he turned back, ready to attack Micheal instead as he once again felt the crushing agony of that blast. Mitchel cursed before savagely grabbing a knife from his boot and plunging it into his ribs.

Spock gasped, feeling a searing pain that he was unable to block out. He fell completely on his back as Mitchel stabbed him three more times. Micheal screamed something and then it was Mitchel who went flying away from him. Spock gasped, once more the wave from the weapon ceased, and his mind snapped back painfully. He felt his bonds to T'Pau and his father burn in his mind. He felt his father's worry and fear closer than usual and astonishing considering they were a galaxy apart. He tried to focus on breathing painful breathes and staying alert.

He only managed to sit up when he noticed both men were talking. Mitchel sat wounded and clutching his chest against the broken console. He was trying to smile and grimacing instead, Mitchel stood pointing a phaser at his chest. “Mike, you gotta hear me out. We need to leave.” Micheal shook his head, his entire body trembling. He was fully crying now and he spoke in gasping breaths. “You killed so...so many people Mitch. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to go... this wrong.”

Mitchel narrowed his eyes and said, “You sure this is happening Micheal? You sure that this isn't something you made up? Mom's asking about you. Millie, what will she say when she finds out what you've done?” Spock saw Micheal freeze and he tried glancing to his watches, only they were gone, a blast or perhaps falling so much with the turbulent ship had made long, bleeding gashes along his arms and his watches must have flown off at some point.

Spock spoke quickly, seeing the fear spike across Micheal's face, “This is real Micheal. You know it is. You know Jim and he would never lie to you. No matter how awful or how desperate the situation. James does not lie. He asked you to be here, he asked for your help. Put down your weapon, we'll both go back to the transporter room. We'll be safe. You have no reason to fear me.”

Micheal searched his face desperately for something and Spock tried his best to show he was telling the truth. He didn't know how much he conveyed, his shields were damaged but his teachings, ever voices in the back of his mind, told him it was still shameful to show emotion. Even if this might be his death, he still wanted to stay strong, to stay intact. He wanted Jim to know that.

Whatever Mitchel saw, it gave him an answer and he spoke, still looking at Spock, “It's you and me Mitch. Right? You and me.” He turned to his twin and something passed between them.

Mitchel blinked and devoid of emotion he said, “You and me little brother. Always.”

Crying, Micheal nodded and said, “This...this is for Millie... and Jim.” He fired his phaser directly into his brother's chest. Mitchel looked shocked for a moment, before coughing up blood and gasping. After a moment, something like a smile graced his lips, one that looked genuine and...relieved, before the light faded from his eyes and his body slumped.

Micheal gasped and Spock sat still for a moment, shocked.

Finally, as the ship rocked by a deadly explosion, both Spock and Micheal held on the to railings and floor. People, those still alive and on the ship screamed, the lights went off fully. Spock being able to see in the almost black room, managed to crawl over to Micheal. The man was shaking, shocked and only responded to his voice after a full minute. The dim lighting came on, most likely a last resort of the ship's emergency systems.

“Micheal, we need to leave. We need to leave now.” Micheal shook his head and fought as Spock tried to get him to move. “Don't touch me, Vulcan!” Spock tensed as Micheal moved by instinct. He surprised himself by feeling hurt from the insult.

“Micheal...” Once more he shook his head but he concentrated some and he focused in on Spock. Spock could see the full force of the mental torture in those eyes. He looked at that moment, not human, his mind had left fully and Spock knew without having to touch him, without having to examine him. If Spock brought him out forcibly, Micheal would spend the rest of his days in Vulcan facility and he'd never recover.

Micheal spoke hurriedly as if he too knew this was it, the last of his own human logic, of his own self being familiar. “Leave us. I...I belong here Spock. I should have died years ago...tell Jimmy. Tell him I'm sorry and tell him...tell him I said thank you. Here, take this.”

Spock knew he was bleeding out too much, he knew from his own dizziness and loss of concentration, he had minutes before he'd collapse. Nodding, he made a decision and stumbled up, he made his way to the door and only then looked back. Micheal had crawled to his brother and carefully held his body against his chest. He looked up for a moment and nodded before shutting his eyes and mouthing what looked to Spock like a lullaby.

Spock ran, he fell and he had to still fight three more bleeding and bruised crew members. He had to make his way back and over to a different route when he saw that half the ship had been locked down due to the blasts tearing into the hull. Finally, what seemed like ages he fell into the door of the transporter room. Bodies were littered across the ground and Hendroff sat bleeding and half conscious.

He lowered his trembling phaser and breathed out, “Cutting it close there, Commander. Don't you think?”

Spock nodded and set down Micheal's device, timing it, he hoped the man's programing was as good as his or Jim's.

* * *

 

Spock, bleeding and breathless, managed to get onto the platform and in moments, he was back aboard the Enterprise, Hendroff managed two steps before passing out right on the floor. Montgomery and Pavel rushed to him as the two nurses took Hendroff off on a hover bed, but he shook them all off. Their voices combined, their tones desperate and worried, made him unable to even guess at what they were trying to tell him.

He ignored his own logic and focused solely on contacting the bridge. “Commander?” Hikaru's voice was strained and relieved.

“Is Jim on board?”

“Yes Sir. The Enterprise is damaged Sir, we have thirteen percent life support. If we get hit more time we won't make it. Spock, there's a Klingon ship helping us. They just took a harsh blow for us and have been trying to blow up the Crucible. Thank god they have enemies everywhere.”

Spock nodded to himself, not truly comprehending the odd situation, and took a moment before he replied, “Micheal had managed to get one of his brother's weapons. In fifteen point five seconds it's going to send out a blast that if combined with one of our photon torpedoes will completely ignite the Crucible. We need to be as far away from the impact as possible.”

“Sir, regulation states that if we-”

“We are not saving anyone on board that ship, Mr. Sulu.” Spock voice was harsh and serious, he looked up to Montgomery and said, “Mr. Scott, blow up that ship, now.” Wide-eyed, Scotty nodded, pale faced and automatically, he put in the codes and launched the torpedo, without saying a single word.

Spock blinked and wobbled slightly, right before his mind refused to listen to his command. He passed out before he heard Hikaru's gasp, he never heard the crew's shock over the Crucible's fiery end. He was just thankful that it was over.

* * *

 

Jim looked up at Bones and said, “What am I supposed to do, Bones?” Bones sighed and leaned back into his chair. “First off, as your doctor, you need to take it easy. It's been a week and you're only up now. We'll be ready to fly back to Terra in another couple of days. As your friend I suggest spending those days thinking about what you just told me. I'm not going to, god no, but you should. Listen Jim, you deserve every happiness in the world. You deserve that, you are owed that. Just, don't jump in the deep end.”

Jim snorted and then winced. His mind was stabbing pain into the back of his eyes and he winced under the bright light. His Xan-Pen had done a number on him and his mind had been raging at him for the better part of the week, even unconscious it was painful. Jim looked through the window and saw Spock still laying in his bed. He was in a deep trance and one hopefully he'd be out of today. Combined with his ability to heal himself and Bones tending to him, they had managed to save his life. Barely.

Spock had been worse than him this time around. He had not one but four wounds close to his heart and lungs, one had ruptured his lung just as he came aboard the Enterprise, with more phaser shots around his shoulder and legs, others grazed him and he had at least four fractured bones. Jim sighed once more as he looked his Vulcan up and down. He wished he trusted himself enough to reach out. The past three days he'd been up, he didn't approach his best friend. He tried that first day and locked up in a fit of fear.

It was back. Jim, thankfully, was able to fight it, he could logic himself out of his fear. It was Spock and Spock wouldn't hurt him. Spock went against regulation and rules all the time for him, he even blew up the Crucible when mandate stated they should have at least offered mercy and brought some survivors as prisoners.

No crucible member was left alive to stand trail.

His deal with Argan and Kalan had been seen through and they had done their utmost at bringing back their clan's honour. They had even stuck around to talk to him and drag the Enterprise to the nearest Star Base for repairs. In a way, he was glad he offered them back what they desired most. In another, he wondered if he'd have been able to defeat the Crucible without them so that he could call on them in the future when they once more found themselves in peril. Either way, Jim couldn't think about it really, it was done and now those men were once more Terra's (and Jim's) enemies.

“I'm going to ask Carol to marry me.”

Jim swung his head back to Bones and gaped at him. Bones looked sheepish and shy. “I just...after everything we've been through. We've stood together, we really...we really fit. It wasn't so easy before, with any of my previous relationships. I'm scared mind you, terrified even, but...it seems right. Natural.”

Jim blinked and nodded absently. “Wow. Wow, that's a big step.” Bones frowned and said, “You think it's too soon?” Jim shook his head and said, “You've known her for two years now. I think that's okay. You deserve to be happy too Bones.” Bones smiled looking happy and relieved. Jim blinked again and said happily shocked, “Hey, hey, we're going all out for your bachelor’s party. Your best man's got your back.” Bones snorted and said, “Yeah, tell Sulu I want no Orion dancers there.” Jim gaped at him, and said, “Hey! I don't care who you name, I'll kick their asses if I have to. That position has been long since claimed.” Bones chuckled just as a beep went off.

Both men stood and Jim saw Spock's body stretch slightly. Bones was out of the room before Jim could breathe and then over the course of the next minute he saw Spock sit up and drink the water Bones offered him in those damn hospital cups. Jim walked out, freezing as the Vulcan's gaze caught him.

Alert and healthy looking once again, Spock spoke, only slightly roughly, “Jim, are you all right?” All of his tension, all of the weight that Jim hadn't known felt so heavily, lifted and Jim found himself walking forward for the first time in the last week. He didn't stop until he slumped in Spock's embrace.

“I thought you wouldn't make it.” Jim choked into Spock's neck. Spock's arms tightened around him and he replied calmly, sounding relieved himself, “I told you Jim, I would never leave your side.” Jim choked and Bones coughed behind him.

Finally, exasperated Bones said roughly, “Okay, okay, doctor here, I need to examine him Jim.”

“Oh, for the love of god you two, let me in.”

Jim chuckled before releasing Spock, his tremors only slightly noticeable.


	17. Letting Go Is Harder Than You Think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! This took forever!!! So glad I got this chapter finished. Please forgive me if it feels rushed, I had to combine two chapters together so it's pretty long. Think of it as a bonus for being so slow on updating! Please, please, please comment, like and enjoy reading!

Jim winced and then inwardly winced as well. Spock, sitting next to him, gave him a knowing look and also a solemn one. “So what is everyone planning for the next week?” Nyota asked the group. For the past two months it had all been business. They had limped their way back to Terra airspace and currently were finishing the fixing of the Enterprise. Jim sighed, still feeling tired, he had spent the last week at ceremonies and recounting what happened once again (with Spock's help considering he was only there for a bit of it). Spock had actually gotten a commendation from the Admiralty for his brave actions.

“I thought ve could all hang out together.” Everyone turned to Pavel and he shrugged under the attention. “I know ve spend a lot of time together working...I just...I don't vant to be be alone right now.” Hikaru put his arm over the younger man and looking compassionate said, “Don't worry Pash, I won't let that happen, okay?” Pavel nodded, though remained silent. Pavel had been injured from his console blowing up in front of him but Jim thought Bones did amazing work. It had been three weeks since Pavel underwent laser treatment and all he had was a slight scar on his forehead that had once burnt across the upper part of his face. In another treatment it wouldn't even be noticeable.

Spock spoke before anyone else could. “I believe your idea has merit.” Now Spock held all their attention. “Since the Crucible has been halted in it's rampage and we are able to relax, it would be a good idea to 'take a vacation' as you say.” Jim snorted at the halting tone. Spock glanced to him amused.

“We do only have two more weeks and let's face it, we're all missing someone right now,” Nyota said looking around the table. It had been less than nine weeks and Jim grimaced. It never got easier and Jim rubbed his face. Everyone agreed and Scotty and Keenser took out a PADD and started researching vacation hotspots on Earth. “You're paying for this, by the way, Cap'tin.” Jim snorted and downed another scotch. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Before Scotty could book rooms though, going around asking who would want to room with each other, Jim had to speak up. Not wanting to ruin the mood but having to speak up, he spoke slowly, “Um, Scotty, listen...I kinda can't make it. I mean...maybe I could, but like a couple days from now.”

Spock frowned at him asking, “Is there an appointment in which you are needing to attend?” _Oh, he should latch on to that_. Jim nodded and saw the narrowing of Spock's eyes. He hated Vulcans. “Kind of,” he said instead. Spock now raised a brow and asked, “Might I enquire as to why you are otherwise preoccupied to accompany us?” Jim clenched his jaw wanting to snap. He took a deep breath and tried to hammer back his headache.

“I just can't make it okay.”

Jim got up and went to the bar in the restaurant. He needed another drink. Before he could grab his new glass of scotch, Spock's hand took it and he turned to the man ready to curse. “I believe you have ingested enough alcohol for tonight, Jim. Any more and you will become highly intoxicated.” He scowled at Spock and asked, “What's the problem with that? I'm not on duty Spock and nor are you.” Spock frowned at his harsh tone and instead of being pushed away, he came closer making Jim's heart and stomach flutter. It was not a common feeling, making him grow even more defensive.

“Have I done something to upset you?” “No Spock, no. I just...I need some time away from you right now.” Jim winced even as he said it. Spock tensed, standing straighter, his expression turned stoic and he nodded, saying, “Very well,” leaving Jim at the bar. He took Jim's drink with him. Jim sighed and ordered another one.

This whole -we made out hard core and now we have to stop thing- was grating at his nerves. He really needed Spock to meld with him to stop his pounding migraine but every time he even thought about asking he tensed up. He could barely go near him without the conflicting sides of him rising up. One part of him wanted nothing more than to take him back to his apartment and finish what they started months ago, it was all he could think about sometimes but the moment he did try just that, the other side raged up and fear flooded through him so bad he ended up avoiding Spock for days.

It was tiring and frustrating and most importantly made Jim want to kill Mitchel himself. He hated himself more than he had in long time. Jim turned as he took a gulp of his drink. His friends were huddled in close around their table, empty plates in front of them, laughing and joking, no doubt talking about Bones and Carol's wedding plans three months from now. Everyone looked happy, it was both true and false. They were still in mourning and still figuring out what would happen next. Jim caught Bones' worried gaze and he nodded before flickering over to Spock's tense silhouette.

This time, it was Spock who refused to look at him. Jim sighed again and down his drink, before ordering another one.

* * *

 

 

 Jim tried not to think of everyone at the hotel in India. He was not going to go, he already decided, he just put the last bag into his hovercar when Spock's own black one drove up behind him. Parking and getting out, Jim stood frozen by the trunk of his car. “What you are doing here?” Jim asked somewhat rhetorically, seeing Spock holding a sleek, well-cared for duffel bag.

Without answering, he placed it besides Jim's worn and ripped one, only then did he look at Jim, completely at ease. “I believe I am encroaching myself into your plans for next couple of days. At least until we are able to join the others.” Jim just stood there for a moment, and then quickly shook his head, saying, “Listen Spock, thanks, but I need to do this alone...” Spock gave him a deadly eyebrow lift and looked as stubborn as ever.

“I know what it is you plan on doing and I believe you should be with a friend. Allow me to join you.” Jim sighed, looking away from him and down to his trunk. Seeing the golden glint, he sighed. “Okay. Just us, okay?” Spock nodded and relaxed a moment before Jim nodded, finally defeated. “Well, let's get this over with.” They were quiet as Jim drove them outside the city and made their way back to Jim's hometown. Jim, himself, grew more nervous, Spock wasn't playing with his PADD, he wasn't grabbing for the controls for a news station or other weird, not-normal station for a road trip. Instead, Spock just stared out the window or glanced at him for a moment before turning away right as Jim would glance back. It made him twitch and his fingers kept tapping the wheel. Luckily, his car was in auto lock and he didn't have to concentrate on his speed or route much, Jim thought he wouldn't have made it halfway with the way his heart was pounding and his mind wandering.

“Would you care for a refreshment?” Spock asked, making Jim jump from the unexpected comment. Taking a breath, Jim looked over and nodded. “Sure, that'd be good.” He coughed, clearing his voice as Spock leaned over to reach for the newly acquired cooler. This trip, normally so short, now seemed to drag out. Spock opened Jim's water bottle and passed it, asking, “Am I making you uneasy?” Jim swallowed and looked over, now seeing the uncomfortable look underneath Spock's usual mask. He took a moment and said slowly, “No, Spock. No, you're not. Really, I'm actually glad you came with, it's just...” Jim trailed off, for the hundredth time, his mind flickered to Spock touching him, kissing him senseless.

 _Fuck, he was so screwed_. It took a moment to cool himself off and Jim took a long drink of his water. Being this close to Spock was torture and he didn't know how to handle it. Usually he could push this all down, ignore it until it went away. For some reason, for the first time in his life, it wasn't going away. If anything, it was getting stronger, getting harder to keep down. He didn't know how to deal with these massive, deep emotions. It wasn't just lust, he realized that stupidly a few days ago. He missed Spock, missed him in a way that was so different from anything he ever felt.

“I should not have barged in the way I did, Jim. However, I do believe it is for your best interests.” Jim smiled back at Spock and nodded. “I know. I just...” _Want to drag you across this seat and fuck you?_ Jim cringed and finally made himself lean back into his chair, he spoke slowly, “With everything that happened...don't you think you'd want to be farther away from me right now?”

Spock frowned and asked, “Are you implying to our last mission with the Crucible or with happened between us, prior to the battle?” Jim winced and didn't speak up, he didn't think he could. Spock ended up looking away before he asked, “Would you have preferred that?” It was asked quietly and Jim glanced over, not being able to see Spock's face, he doubted he'd be able to see through his facade then anyway.

“I told you before, I'm glad you decided to intrude. I..I know I can rely on you.” Jim looked back to the road, they were finally getting close to seeing the town. He felt Spock's gaze on him but he refused to look back. He forced himself not to react to Spock reaching out to him. The feel of Spock's fingers against the back of his palm was somehow heightened, the tingles made their way up his arm and Jim concentrated hard on staying calm and getting his half-hard dick to soften. _How the hell was he always like this now? He wasn't even this bad as a teenager._  Spock pulled back his hand and Jim practically bit his lip. Two things entered his head then, the first was that Spock had just read all of his boiling emotions and he was damned embarrassed. The second was that he wasn't feeling fear right then but disappointment. Spock had stopped too soon and Jim felt even more worried that maybe this was wearing down on Spock's end anyway, maybe Spock took his rejection and used his logic to stop his new feelings towards him. Instead, Jim glanced at him at the exact moment Spock was tampering down on what could only be a smug expression on his face.

 _Fucking Vulcans_ , Jim thought and put both his hands on the wheel.

Right then he sat straighter and said, “Well Spock, welcome to my home. Riverside is coming up.”

* * *

 

Spock was actually interested in Riverside. The streets were more lively, July was always the best month for festivals, and people were outside enjoying the heat. The buildings had been upgraded downtown and everything seemed more clean than Jim ever remembered them being. “That's where I went to school until I went off world. I'm pretty sure our family owns the east wing after all the money mom put into it. I may or may not have burnt a classroom when I was eight. I was moody and they did not safely store those chemicals, in my defence. Anyway, charged us for that whole section, jackasses.”

Spock's eyes shone as he said, “Why do I not find that surprising?” Jim laughed and made his way slowly throughout the town. “God, it's been forever since I came back here. I met Pike in that bar there, and Nyota. That feels like a lifetime ago.” Spock eyed the renovated building as they passed it. “It does seem more than three years ago.” “Almost four,” Jim replied. Spock nodded and soon they were driving just outside of town again.

Jim's hands tightened on the wheel unconsciously. “Did you manage to talk to anyone before you joined me?” Spock nodded, “I spoke to Nyota and she told the others that I would not be accompanying them.” Jim glanced over and debated before he asked, “How is she?” This earned him an eyebrow raise but he didn't look long enough to deceiver it. “Nyota is well. We have spoken at length a few weeks ago.” Jim now found himself surprised and curious. “Yeah? That's good.” Spock nodded and replied easily, “Yes, I do enjoy her conversation.” So, Spock and Nyota were friends once again. _Interesting_ , Jim thought. “How's it going between you two?”

Now Spock eyed him longer and Jim tried not to fidget as he pulled into the driveway. The car now seemed very small, neither made a move to exit. “Jim, you need not worry about Nyota's relationship with myself. We have established a friendship once again and it is purely platonic.” Jim felt the heat creep up in his cheeks, dear god how was he supposed to do this? “That's not, that's not at all...” Jim trailed off as he looked up at the unimpressed, yet amused expression on Spock's face. He quickly looked away and found himself looking at the old house.

Spock finally looked away from him to take in the farmhouse, looking just as immaculate as it did twenty years ago. “Fascinating.” Jim snorted in response.

“Come on, let's get this over with.”

Stepping into the house, their bags with them, was a shock. Jim took a few minutes to take it all in. He slowly walked into the living room and set down the urn on the coffee table. Everything was exactly the same, clean and organized. Empty. Jim coughed and said, “Well. This is the living room. I'll show you around.” Jim lead Spock through the living room into the dining room and showed him where the kitchen was located, the office that was small and his mom's sole room. Upstairs, Jim stopped, once again looking in on Sam's room. Spock took this all in slowly, his gaze memorizing every detail, organizing it all away. Jim then went into his room and watched as Spock took more interest in it then Sam's. It made him smile at the sight.

Spock touched his trophies gently and said, “Vulcan's do not give out such sentimental achievements when you come first in anything. It's quite curious. Did it give you a sense of accomplishment that it is supposed to invoke?” Jim laughed and said, “Oh yeah, I polished them every day for months. And rubbed it in Sammy's face.”

The stay at his old childhood home was straining. Just like last time, memories surged up. He felt himself tense, his headache was pounding but durable. Mostly, Jim finally realized, this was his PTSD, this wasn't his empty, broken mind but rather the little boy who used to be trapped here. Spock kept his eye on him throughout the day, Jim took him around town and they actually ate at Kaba Kaba that was still owned and served by those same people as when he was a child.

Later they walked around town and finally Spock asked, “Do you wish to stay in a hotel tonight?” Jim stopped walking and looked at Spock who looked both calm and sympathetic. “I understand how you feel Jim. I understand why this is difficult and not just because of what we came to do.” Jim felt his shoulders drop as he finally let go of all his stress. His mother was gone and yet the house held him here, held him to all those long ago memories. They say the past makes the person, what then did it say when Jim's best memories were in his twenties?

Jim leaned up against the fence of Eric's yard. The old man still here like most of the people born in Riverside. “I hate it here, whenever I'm here it's like I'm back and small and weak.”

“You are not and have never been any of those things inside Jim. You know this.” Jim nodded, “I do, I do... but the feeling is still there.” Jim looked up and smiled, saying, “Thank you for barging in. It's...it's good.” Spock inclined his head and both walked across the street. The graveyard was exactly the same and both made their way over to his dad's grave. His mother's tombstone had been put up awhile ago right next to his, the city having done it for him. There were still fresh flowers planted around it. Jim swallowed and quickly pulled out the urn from his bag.

“Well...here's to you mom. I guess...I hope you finally find your happiness with him... Say hi to Sammy for me.” Jim then dug up a hole, made easy with Spock's short shovel and together they placed the golden urn right under her tombstone, half in Zanna Mi and half here, she was home. They stood after Jim pushed the soil to cover the small urn and for the first time Jim actually felt like comming her. The only things he knew about his mother were professional and he would have loved to know one thing about her personally right then, not something that involved his father or their past, just something uniquely her's.

Jim allowed Spock to hold him when he started crying unexpectedly a few minutes later.

They arrived home late and Jim made them hot chocolates in honour of her (Spock actually took it without complaining) and then they relaxed on the couch. Jim forgot about Frank and Sam and his mom, he watched old movies and had Spock laying behind him, gently melding with him for the first time in weeks, his arm curled around his waist. Jim felt safe in a home that had never been that for him and he fell asleep grateful he wasn't alone.

Spock saw the claw marks in the floor the next morning when Jim sleepily tripped over the rug (embarrassed he had woken up in Spock's embrace again). He also noticed Jim's tension in the kitchen as they had breakfast. By noon it was Spock who led him outside to greet Tom. He was good-looking and had grown out of his average and chubby silhouette into a strong and well defined thirty year old. Jim grinned and saw Tom's answering one. They hugged and Jim introduced Spock to Tom, his next door neighbour's son that he had gone to school with.

“Nice to meet you.” Tom said nodding to Spock. Spock nodded back and stepped closely to Jim. “So, you sure about this Jimmy? I mean you're one of the oldest families in this town.” Jim nodded, serious and determined. “I'm sure, I gave it a lot of thought actually,” Jim looked over at Spock and smiled, they had even discussed it together, Spock was great at making a pros and cons list. “So, here.”

Jim handed out his PADD and Tom's eyes widened. “Right now?” Jim nodded and replied, “I'm letting go. Moving on.”

Within a half hour James Kirk no longer owned a residence in Riverside and within months his childhood home would be bulldozed for Tom to build his own home to combine both of their lands into one farm. Jim hoped the memories in the new house would be just as happy as his dad's. Spock spent the majority of the ride back to San Francisco holding Jim's hand. He finally felt himself relaxing and asked, “So, do you want to join the others? We can get there within another day.”

Spock looked at him and replied, “We could always just keep driving.” Jim surprised quickly turned to look at his Vulcan. Slowly, the surprise turned into playful happiness. He responded silently. Simply, turning the car onto the exit and instead of heading towards home, he took a detour.

 _Somewhere south_ , Jim thought, Spock deserved somewhere warm for his thirty-second birthday. Jim squeezed Spock's hand and felt a jolt run up his arm in response before Spock turned on a talk show.

* * *

 

 

The next couple of months went by in a blur. Jim felt himself dancing around Spock, there were times when he stuck to the man like glue and other days where he avoided him like the plague. It confused the Vulcan to no end and Jim would catch Spock eyeing him as if trying to figure this whole situation out. Jim had no answers, and he felt his frustration with it all mount up. He especially hated himself for causing the majority of the tension between them. He finally got the courage two months after their trip together, it was less than a week away from Bones and Carol's wedding, the whole ship was talking about it and Jim knew the bachelor party was two nights away and he'd have to talk to Spock there.

The fact that he needed another meld was not the deciding factor of why he was approaching the science labs at one in the morning. He stood in the doorway for a moment looking at Spock's back as he adjusted the small machine he was looking into. Jim hadn't known how long he had been standing there when Spock called out quietly, “You may come in, Captain.” Jim jumped and then scoffed at the formal tone. Stepping inside, he couldn't resist walking up to his first officer and invading his personal space. “There's no need for formalities, Spock, we're the only ones here.” Jim then looked around and frowned, “Where's Mulligan?”

“Ensign Mulligan has gone to Engineering to, as I recall, test out her recent para-med project. I calculate a ninety-eight point seven percent chance of it failing and her returning here within the next twenty point five minutes.” Jim chuckled and leaned against the table, looking at the blood sample Spock had and was adding something to. “I forgot that was happening tonight. Scotty's been complaining to me about it for the last week. At least, if it doesn't work then it'll be less mess.” Spock nodded and Jim frowned. He still hadn't looked at him and that wasn't like Spock nowadays. Spock usually couldn't keep his eyes off Jim, and that did not in any way make Jim smug or nervous.

“What's wrong?” Jim asked ignoring the slight flutter in his chest. Spock finally glanced at him and asked, “What do you mean? I am trying to finish this experiment by the time I change for the Alpha crew, it is you who entered-” “Spock, shut up. What's wrong?” Spock stopped and took a moment before he slowly and carefully put down the syringe, Jim kept an eye on it just in case it was something deadly.

Spock turned to him and Jim finally saw the tension in his friend. A few moments of silence passed before Jim just sighed. “Okay, I can't out silence you but if this is something I've done, I'm sorry.” Jim took a moment and frowned, they had cuddled (no, not _cuddled_ but definitely sat touching each other on movie night three nights ago), Jim had bailed on their game night yesterday, his headache and nervousness and let's face it hornyness had made it all too much to sit through a couple hours of just them in his room.

Jim was a freaking tease, holy shit. He was truly playing Spock and not even knowing himself of when to stop or how to stop.

“Spock...I'm really...”

“It is not you who has caused me distress, nor anything you did. I have found your presence of late to be welcoming.” Jim looked up once more baffled, “Really?” Spock just gave him a sceptical look and then it softened, “I forget at times that you do not truly know how pleasant I find your company, your personality. As it is...” Spock trailed off and finally looked as if he collected himself before he said stoically, “My father is enduring Pon Farr.” Jim froze and so too did Spock. He looked worried not only for the father he couldn't be with or help but for Jim's reaction. Jim swallowed and then his fear morphed into sympathy. He knew what that felt like, to go through Pon Farr, though he couldn't imagine the nightmare for Sarek, Sarek who had a bondmate who loved him, who was his other half. Their joining hadn't been full of fear or anger, it hadn't been made in mistake or sorrow. And now Spock was going to have a Vulcan stepmother in a sense. For Spock who had a true human sense of a family, this would be more difficult than the average Vulcan.

“I'm sorry Spock. Truly. Knowing Sarek though, I'm sure his choice will be both logical and fit with your family.” Spock tilted his head and opened his mouth, he closed it and then tried to speak again, “Jim, you believe my father has chosen a mate? This is not a fact. My father commed me thirty-two hours previously to alert me to his approaching Fever and the fact that he was planning on mediation. He has chosen not to bond.” Jim gaped and stood shocked. Finally, he asked, “But why?” Spock spoke calmly, “Prior to the destruction of my planet this type of solution to Pon Farr was not attempted so regularly. We have lost many men to the foolish pursuit. It is not as easy as one beliefs.” Jim nodded, he would have died had it not been for Amanda. “I know, Spock.”

Quietly, Spock spoke as if not wanting to say it aloud but needing it said nonetheless, “I would wish my father to bond, to keep him here. I fear the closer he comes to dying will lead him to mother. At the same time I feel myself conflicted. I do not wish for another woman to be attached to my father. Not yet. It is selfish of me.” Jim reached out, cupping Spock's face and made him look up. “No, Spock, no it's not. Listen to me, okay. Your father is strong, stronger than you give him credit for. You're his son, and you're as stubborn and as wilful as him. He knows that Amanda will wait for him and he knows that you need him here right now. Sarek will survive this, alone, and he will comm you and yes...one day he will leave Spock. He'll go to her because that's where he belongs but not yet, not now and you need to believe that too.”

Spock frowned at him and asked, “How are you so certain of this?” Jim smiled and replied, “Because I know you and I knew Amanda. Your family was the first to see logic once shown by Surak. Your family was the first clan of Vulcans to use telekinesis. You come from blood both Vulcan and human that is pure and strong and most importantly, you all realize what's important underneath everything else. Sarek, Amanda, you. He'll survive because he will never allow you to be alone. And he's a goddam strong Vulcan to survive marriage with a human and not punch a Council member.”

Spock breathed out a huff and then loosened. Jim was surprised Spock allowed himself to lean into Jim and Jim held him tightly, telling him the truth that he knew for certain. “Even if he does perish Spock,” Jim whispered in Spock's ear, “I won't ever leave you alone. It's a promise I'll make in blood if I have to.” Spock's lips twitched and Jim held him closer, letting Spock for once lean on him, letting him know he could always do so.

Spock wrapped his arms around him and they only separated when Mary stomped into the room carrying something smoking. She made a noise seeing them and they jumped apart. “Sorry, I'm just...I was...I'm gonna go do something.” Jim was blushing and not looking at Spock, still feeling the warmth of his body against his.

“Wanna play a game of Geth'le'va? Technically you're supposed to be off shift right now.” Jim asked and Spock inclined his head, trailing behind silently.

* * *

 

 

It was Jim who answered the comm two days later.

Sarek looked pale, weak and he showed a very human expression of surprise. It further surprised the half-asleep captain who couldn't believe Sarek looked so expressive. “Damn, you would have made a pretty hot human, you know that? Stern, no doubt, but good looking,” Jim mumbled out still sleepy. Sarek frowned and asked, “Why are you answering my son's comm call?” Jim blinked, rubbed his eyes and tilted the comm unit in his palm, eyeing it intensely. “Aww, shit.” Realizing this wasn't a dream, Jim freaked out a little bit.

“Oh shit, Sir. Sorry, sir. Um...Sorry....fuck. One moment, Ambassador, Sir.”

He thought he saw Sarek smirk a little, right before he turned over in bed. Holding the comm away from him, though he knew Vulcan ears would pick it up anyway, he whispered, “Spock, Spock, come on.” Instead of getting up, the hungover Vulcan cuddled in closer to him, pulling Jim closer to him. “You said I would be able to sleep seven point four hours,” Spock mumbled in an adorable sleepy voice, one Jim had never heard before. It made Jim grin and Spock snuggled even closer, his legs intertwining with his and face rubbing against his shoulder. “It has only been four point seven. Sleep.”

Jim almost chuckled at something so Vulcan from a very intoxicated Spock. _Cute_ , Jim thought right before he broke the mood. “Your dad is alive and safe and interrupting our sleep, not me.” Spock bolted up and quickly took the comm. His hair was mused and he still had a green tinge to his cheeks. “Father, you look...well.” Jim watched as Spock's cheeks went a darker green before he glanced at Jim. Jim too, finally noticed that Spock was shirtless and so was he.

Panicking even more now, not being able to remember most of the night, Jim looked beneath the covers as Spock tried to convey a more put together appearance. “I am well and wished to contact you to tell you so, as you insisted on, in our last conversation four point eight days ago. Though, I believe I interrupted your evening. I apologize.”

Jim felt like dying right then. 

 

 “Thank you father. You have not interrupted anything...Doctor McCoy's bachelor party was last night and I-” Spock glanced at him as Jim almost shouted, “Oh thank god, I'm wearing pants, Spock. Jesus. That would have totally sucked not to remember.” It was only then that Jim noticed how loud he was and sat up, blushing and heart pounding he went to the bathroom only to see what Spock had been staring at. The left side of his neck and shoulder had bites and hickeys everywhere. Jim didn't hear the mumble of voices from the room as he yelled out without thinking, “Spock! What the fuck? You gave me like five hickeys! Oh my god did your dad see this? I'm still way too drunk for this.” Jim popped out his head from the bathroom ready to say more when he saw Spock was still talking to Sarek.

Fuck his life.

Spock glanced from him to the screen and back again. “Father, if you excuse me, I will comm you at a later time.” Sarek actually, really smiled and looked as if he was about to laugh. He pulled it together to say, “I think that would be wise. Farwell.” Spock threw the comm unit against the wall and both stayed silent for a moment. “Sorry.” Jim said finally remembering bits and pieces.

Spock stood, surprising Jim by wobbling a bit. They had been fucking drunk, Jim's head was spinning and his stomach was ready to toss everything up. He barely managed to get to the cupboard and hypo himself. It would take a few minutes but he knew it'd help. “I apologize for last night. Do you remember any of it?” Spock asked, not looking at him. Jim sat down on the bed, sighing as laid back down. “Um...we did shots. Chocolate, I made you get drunk didn't I?” Spock glanced back at him, finally finding his jeans behind the desk. “It was I who made the choice to drink, Jim, you did not make me do anything.”

“Right. Oh my god, you attacked Richard.” Spock tensed and said, “I did no such thing.” Jim grinned, he could not help it at all. It was one of his definite Spock kinks. He got insanely jealous and when Richard had put his arm over Jim (purely brotherly seeing as Richard was married to Damon, both medical ensigns) Spock had gone all Vulcan and almost broke his arm and then glared at him for most of the evening.

“Oh yeah, you totally did.” Jim laughed and watched as Spock gave up trying to find his missing shirt. Both stopped once more to eye each other. Spock slowly approached the bed and sat down closely beside him, the atmosphere tensed further and Jim tried his best to hide his obvious erection through his boxer briefs.

“I want to establish a romantic relationship between us.” Jim sighed and shut his eyes.

It would be so good, so great to lean in and kiss Spock, to give in. Jesus, he still couldn't believe Spock wanted that. Wanted him. They fit so well together and it would be amazing to be with Spock. Jim clenched his jaw as he felt Spock's hand trail down his arm. Lust immediately climbed up in him and so too did love. _Shit_ , Jim's eyes snapped open and he caught Spock's knowing gaze. “Spock.” Jim groaned out and before he could move, Spock kissed him deeply and harshly. He couldn't help but moan into the kiss before Spock reluctantly pulled away.

“I should go.” Jim agreed but what he said was, “I don't want you to.”

Spock smiled, kissed his forehead and left quietly through the bathroom door. Jim flopped back down, now clear-headed and completely sober. In four hours he'd be standing next to Bones watching as he married Carol and like the past couple of months whenever he thought about it he felt even more alone than usual.

He missed Spock already.

* * *

 

 

Jim didn't run away. He had made it through the night, he stood by Bones, gave the best speech of the day (his opinion), danced with Carol AND Bones and even made sure he wasn't drinking much. Nyota and him had done a great job decorating the exotic estate on Xenzia and they all had seen the couple away since they would be spending the next week on leave here. Jim had set them up in the ancient palace of Zia overlooking the seven rainbow lakes. It was supposed to be the most romantic spot on the planet and since they were two galaxy's from Terra it made sense that the marriage should be here.

Jim was completely happy for his brother who looked so wondrously ecstatic. For the first time since Jim had met Bones he saw him fully happy and he knew no matter what happened in the future, today meant something for Leonard, today was going to make all the future bullshit worth it. Jim couldn't be happier for him, truly.

Now, three hours after the wedding had ended, Jim found himself in a type of lounge bar filled with humans and Xenians. Cousins to the X'en, he spoke their language and the whole atmosphere of the planet was relaxed and calm, if hypnotic. He downed his seventh...no eleventh?...drink and tried to ignore everything around him. His life was becoming once again a nightmare. An amazing, sexy and overly-tempting nightmare. He wanted Spock, loved the fact that he was actually, finally, really, wanted in return. They could sleep together, start a relationship, it was a possibility. Jim dreamt of it, literally, he actually loved that idea. He did still have fear, he still pulled away sometimes purely from a memory that surged up unexpectedly but the more they had Jim's meld sessions the more it eased. Not completely healed, he was now mentally stable for the first time in years. Jim actually thought this was the best he would ever be and thinking about that scared the hell out of him. If they did get together, really got together, which both of them wanted, Jim would then have to let go. Really let go of Spock. He was a Vulcan, even half and that would drive him towards the Fever. It was the one thing he couldn't bare for Spock. It killed him but he knew he wasn't strong enough for that. Not again. And Jim couldn't lose Spock. He just couldn't.

Jim downed another glowing purple shot of something he couldn't remember. He needed to take his mind of Spock, Spock was not an option, he was not realistic and they wouldn't happen, there was not going to be an ecstatic-happy day for Jim. Jim tried to push it down and just as he was beginning to nod to the old music, someone bumped into him.

“Hey, sorry, my bad.” Jim looked up and saw an amazing good looking man, apologizing to him. “Oh, you're Captain Kirk, right?” Jim tensed and then realized he was way too drunk to keep his guard up completely. “Who asks?” The god smiled and said, “Name's Logan. Can I buy you a drink?” Jim shook his head, smiling and then said, “Sure. What brings you here?”

A half hour later, Jim was pulled harshly against the wall. He yelped in surprise, and wide-eyed watched as Spock threw an unchecked powerful punch across the guys face. Luke...no Landon..shit... Logan! Logan fell to the ground and for the second time in less than twenty-four hours Jim was dragged from a room full of gawking people. The crowd swiftly got out of the way of the raging Vulcan as he pulled Jim out through the backdoor. In the back alley, Jim was forced against the wall and that's when he realized how pissed Spock actually was.

For a few moments Jim felt true fear looking at Spock then he felt angry. “What the fuck was that about?” Jim tried pushing Spock out of his personal space but it did nothing to the immovable Vulcan. “I should say the same to you. What do you think you were doing?”

“What did it look like?” He swore Spock growled at that before he said, “And you think engaging in such activ-” “I was making out with him Spock. I was going to go back to his place.” Jim, angry and still slightly humiliated, leaned in and said quietly, “Just exploring my options.” Jim smirked as he saw Spock's eyes narrow further. “You would trust a complete stranger on a foreign planet? A man?” Jim winced at Spock's words, but he shrugged leaning against the wall, now feeling those drinks piling up on the second night of drinking in a row. Did he eat anything besides a piece of cake today?

“What can I say, Spock? I felt like getting laid and before you broke his jaw, he was fucking hot...And eager.” That did it for Spock who pushed even more further towards him. “If it is a sexual release you desire, I believe I am indebted to you.” Jim frowned and then jumped as Spock's fingers found his temple. Jim's eyes once again widened as he called out, “Spock, no. Alright, I'm sorry-”

Jim was cut off by a surge of lust unlike anything he'd ever felt. He gasped, his back arching, eyes wide, he watched as Spock blinked letting out a long breath, clearly affected by the emotion himself. Jim, not being able to think clearly, surged forward to capture Spock's mouth. He was once more trapped between a wall and Spock's body, flattened out and grinding himself unashamedly against the Vulcan. It was so amazing, his whole body was heating up, jolts of pleasure was pulsing up and down throughout his body. He couldn't couldn't help himself as he clutched to Spock.

Spock himself panted, kissing him almost too roughly and biting just as harshly. “You will never do this again, do you hear me?” Spock said, punctuating every word with another jolt down Jim's body, grinding himself against Jim. Barely being able to form words at this point, Jim just nodded fiercely, he reached down for Spock's zipper but his hand was slapped away. Jim could only gasp as Spock lifted him up with his free hand, supporting his weight effortlessly. Jim couldn't complain since it brought their bodies even closer and he rocked himself hard and fast against Spock.

“Fuck...fuck...yes...Yes!” Jim hissed as he felt Spock's mind close and distinct. Spock was so fucking hot, his mind was incredibly bare, not walled up like usual and most of all Jim could feel Spock's emotions, possessiveness and anger were overlaid by lust and need. But behind all of that Jim felt the same emotions he'd been struggling with for months. Admiration, respect, need and...something deep, intense and warm.

Jim felt that fire within himself, that overwhelming sensation of rightness. He screamed as he came, harder than he ever had. His toes curled, his legs twitched uselessly and then he slumped against Spock's trembling body. It was a few minutes before Jim could catch his breath, never mind stand on his own. Spock didn't retreat though he looked in a much better mood. It would have made Jim smile slightly if he wasn't still trying to collect himself.

That had been amazing, the most amazing orgasm he ever had. He swore as he finally looked down at himself and saw he ruined his dress pants. He pulled out his shirt and tried his best to look like he hadn't just had not-sex-sex in the back of an alleyway with his Vulcan officer.

“Jim, I-”

Jim looked up purely by instinct and he froze. He had never seen that look directed at him before. No one had ever shown that much emotion in their eyes as they gazed at him and most importantly, he certainly had never felt it and yet...Jim knew without question what Spock was going to say.

“Don't. Spock...Spock please don't.” Spock looked crushed as he leaned in. They couldn't do this, they couldn't say it aloud. Saying it made it really, made it unavoidable and Jim was not going to let this come between them. Spock kissed him again, softly this time though it caused the same affect. He was practically shaking himself when Spock finally leaned back and said quietly, “I think it is best if both of us leave.”

Jim nodded, letting Spock lead the way back to their hotel.

* * *

 

 

The next month went by quickly if not so smoothly. He had an awkward meeting with Sarek and the other Vulcans and had to stand three hours of a very stern looking Sarek who was completely healthy and stone-faced once more. And Jim was angering his staff. Carol was the one who wouldn't let it go.

“I just don't think it's fair.” Jim sighed and leaned back in his chair, the dinner before him was growing cold but he had to interject. “Okay, listen. None of you were on a space craft when you were kids. Yes, it's exciting and a very educational experience but like Bones says, we get into way too much trouble to have a nursery and school on board. It's not going to be on the Enterprise while I am Captain. Now, tell me, when you and Bones here have little baby mini-me, what are you going to do when the alarms go off and the whole ship is blasting apart? Let me tell you, you're going to go look after your child when it gets bad. Not saying it's a bad thing to do, hell it's fighting nature not to do it. But I need people focused and at their posts. So no, no, and no. We are not building anything like that.” Spock walked forward and Jim pulled out the chair next to him. He ignored the intense gaze and continued glaring at half the table.

“What have I interrupted?” Spock asked curiously, leaning towards him slightly. “Half the ship has put in forms requesting to have their children come on board, since it was made into legislation two weeks ago the whole freaking fleet is jumping at it.” Spock took a moment before he said, “It is logical to allow families on board since the duration of our missions are going to become longer once again. The Admiralty might even give us our five year mission soon.” Jim gave him a look and then Spock continued before Nyota and Pavel could speak, “Although, with the amount of times we have almost come to perishing, it could not be taken lightly. The children could be in danger a few times in one year alone. Our missions are not to taken lightly and involving family can be dangerous.”

Jim nodded in approval and Bones snorted. “Okay, first off hobgoblin, your opinion doesn't count.”

“Why not?” Spock asked clearly offended. Jim blink and frowned, saying, “Yeah, why not?”

Bones rolled his eyes and replied, “Because he always agrees with you eventually and you know it. Secondly, if you don't allow families on board, even a little, you're going to lose some amazing crew members Jim. I know you and Monty could make something amazing for any red alerts.” Jim scoffed and asked, “Why the hell are you pushing this so hard?” And then it hit him and his eyes widened.

Bones, reading his expression nodded.

“Holy shit.” Jim's tone alerted everyone else. He sat up straighter and everyone looked around. Nyota caught on second and almost squealed as she said, “Oh my god, congrats.” Spock was the only one left in the dark after a few seconds and he glanced at Jim for an explanation. “Bones and Carol are having a baby.” Jim said absently and then asked, “How far along are you?” Carol grinned and said, “Eight weeks. It's still early but we are discussing our options.”

Options.

As in, not staying on the ship. Jim felt like he couldn't breathe for a minute. Spock reached down and squeezed his knee helpfully. Jim nodded and then couldn't look his friend in the eye. He thought of everything bad that could happen to babies on board and children screaming. His jaw clenched and his hands twitched. It was his worst nightmare. What happened to Bones in the past four years to make him completely change his mind about space? He snorted and answered that for himself, Jim happened.

Jim looked up at Spock and found the Vulcan looking back at him. He leaned in close and said, “Jim, we should discuss even a hypothetical plan. It would be good to have if ever you decide otherwise. It would also decrease your anxiety about it.” Jim felt himself unfreeze and he slowly nodded. “Okay. Okay. Spock and I will talk about it. Talk. Nothing more. So...so...You do realize you have to name him or her after me, right?”

After lunch Spock almost refused to leave his side. Lately, Spock had gotten even more attached to him. Jim frowned as Scotty pulled Spock away and Bones approached him.

“So how's it going with the Vulcan?” Bones asked too casually. Walking down to his cabin, Jim gave Bones a look that had the older man sighing. “I'm not being nosey, I'm just...well you two are creepily close all the time. And the fact that you touch everywhere, all the freaking time. It's damned weird. Not judging. Just weird.” Jim walked into his room with Bones following. “I don't know. We're...we're not together.” Bones raised a brow and said with all his southern drawl in it, “You sure about that Jim?”

Jim gave him a dirty look and said, “Yeah. Yeah, pretty sure Bones, I haven't gotten laid in nine months. Pretty sure.” Bones looked surprised and embarrassed about that. “Really?” Slipped out before he could help it. Jim shook his head. “I have a broken bond, it's a telepathic thing more than anything else.” Bones nodded and asked, “How are the melds helping?” Jim hadn't had one in a few weeks now. He nodded, mostly to himself.

“They're really great,” Jim said quickly, trying to hide his blush. They were getting more intense for sure, Spock seemed more cautious about them for sure. He meditated like crazy prior to coming over and after. “I'm a lot better. I owe T'Pau and Sarek a damned lot for all the times they told me to seek a healer. Amanda and Saros too.” Bones nodded looking more relieved.

“I've been testing your blood as you know.” Jim looked at Bones now curious. “Your Lannects seems to be moderate now instead of mild. You get a flare up every time you get a serious wound or you get ill. I imagine, with how much I've run the tests, you'll most likely get a flare up once a year from now on. It'll be manageable, I'll just have to be careful.” Jim leaned against his desk and smiled, “So what's going to happen when you retire to look after the kid?”

Instead of humouring him, Bones frowned and said, “I don't know kid. I guess that's up to you.” Jim nodded and Bones hugged him before leaving Jim in silence.

* * *

 

 

Jim knew something was wrong. First, this was too public, and while he could drive the man to insanity, this was too much. The second thing that gave it away was the unchecked glint in his eyes. It gave Jim a rush of fear for a moment. The fact that Jim was pinned against a desk, his shirt literally torn off, and a sexy as hell Vulcan practically ripping off his clothes while a diplomatic meeting was taking place just next door made this number three in the slow to realize shit storm.

Jim just managed to break his mouth free from the scorching kiss to breathe when he gasped. “Fuck, Spock, stop. Stop.”

“No. I am tired of you running away from this.” Spock grabbed his chin and forced him back to look at him. “You are mine.” The growl made Jim's cock jerk but also his fear to surge up. He felt the trembling, saw the fire right under the surface and suddenly he was cold. Spock having felt his burst of fear, stepped away from him, wide-eyed. This was the first time Jim had seen a genuine expression on Spock's face. He hadn't known just how expressive he could be. And the first true human expression was a mix of horror and fear.

“James.” The word came out as a groan and laced with everything from lust to agony to fear. Five minutes ago, Jim had been pulled away from talking to the new King of X'en and now he was losing his best friend. Jim was utterly silent.

* * *

 

 

It took two days to get to New Vulcan. Luckily, Spock wasn't yet engulfed. He had spikes of emotion but most of the time he was still him. They played chess the first night but the next Spock didn't want him anywhere near him. It hurt, hurt more than Jim liked to admit. It felt as if he were drowning. He was dropping Spock off not just to fuck someone, which was bad enough, but to bond with them. Tie his mind and body and soul with this other Vulcan.

Jim hated her. Whoever the unnamed, faceless being was. He hated her. It was petty and low but he couldn't help it. He wanted Spock to himself. He was the one who... Jim tensed as Spock came around the corner into the transporter room. He was wearing his Vulcan robe, looking pale but alert. His gaze never left Jim's as Jim nodded to Scotty.

Before he could beam down, Jim abruptly walked forward and stood beside him. Spock turned to look at him as he said, “Beam us down, Scotty.” “Aye, Captain.”

They landed out the healing temple. It was night and dark out but T'Pau and Sarek were there, ready to comfort Spock. T'Pau unfortunately, went right into business as she greeted Spock with, “I have selected three mates in which you could choose from. They are the most compatible that I could find to your mind. Though it is you who will have to make the ultimate connection yourself.” Spock swallowed and nodded, back straight and tense. Sarek looked at Jim for a second before asking his son, “Would you like to go in or come home?” Spock blinked, glanced up at the temple and then responded with, “I would like to go home.”

Sarek nodded and the group headed towards Sarek's house. Soraya greeted them at the door and sensing the tension, kept on rubbing against Sarek's legs, meowing, trying to calm them all down. Jim stayed silent as Spock met three different women. They were all silent, regal and beautiful. They walked through the quiet living room into the meditation room for privacy. One left within seconds, the second stayed fifteen minutes and the third had ten. Spock still didn't come out for an hour.

Sarek halfway through finally spoke and what he said made Jim jump. “Why are you here?” Jim looked over at the Vulcan and said the truth. “I want to be here for him. It's not exactly a picnic. I just...I want him to know I...I-”

“You love him.”

Jim stilled. Before he could reply Sarek kept talking. “I understand your emotions towards my son. But this is something that requires great strength. Do you plan to be his mate?” Jim opened his mouth and then shut it. “No. No I don't... I can't. You know that.” Sarek nodded and said, “You should go, Jim.”

Spock came out then and stayed silent for a moment before he said, “I will need to meditate longer on the decision.” T'Pau grew worried and spoke quickly, “You should bond quickly. The mating will be less intense.” Spock glared at her and snapped out, “I need more time.” He then walked through the living room and went to the bedroom he claimed for visits. Jim sighed.

It was hours before Jim went through the hall and into Spock's spacious room. Interrupting him wasn't something he took lightly but he couldn't sit still anymore. He needed to move, to do something, he needed to stop his heart from clenching in his chest.

Spock wasn't meditating when Jim walked in. He was staring out the window, his hands clutched tightly behind him. Jim made his way forward, knowing that Spock heard him, he stopped right behind him and both watched as the light pink sky lightened further as the sun started to rise. Spock turned slightly to take Jim's hand and wrap it around him. Jim adjusted himself so that he was holding Spock.

“It's going to be okay.” Jim whispered in Spock's ear and he felt Spock tremble beneath him.

“No, it will not.”

They watched as the sun rose, reminding him of that day they had done the same thing in San Francisco. It was not going to be a goodbye. But they hadn't talked. They hadn't discussed anything about work or if Spock was going to stay here with his wife. Jim tightened his arms around Spock and said, “No matter what, Spock. I'm here.” Jim felt his heart breaking and it wasn't because someone died or hurt him. He had never felt this amount of shattering. This was something different and something he hated desperately.

Slowly he took his arms away and backed up. He needed to keep it together, to push everything down. He tried to keep his face from expression all the emotions building up in him. He made it halfway to the door when Spock stopped him by grasping his hand. Turning back he couldn't believe the amount of desperation in Spock's eyes.

“James.”

It hit Jim then. This was the last time they'd be truly alone. Even if they could go back as friends, which Jim really didn't think could ever happen, working together, being on the same ship, in the same room. Spock would be tied here. Jim took in a shuddering breath and waited. Finally, Spock looked back at him in disbelief. “You will not say it, will you?” Jim froze surprised as Spock smiled sadly.

Spock reached out to cup his cheek and Jim leaned in to the strong hand. He grabbed it before those fingers reached his temple. Spock looked even more hurt but he didn't move away.

“I want you to be happy, James. I wish for you to find someone whom you deserve. You deserve everything good and great. I want to go into this knowing you will one day live as amazingly as you dream, with happiness and love.” Jim was about to cry, truly break down and that wasn't allowed in front of a Vulcan who was actually going to break down soon.

“You really want that for me? You really think I could find that again?” Spock's eyes widened and he finally smiled, though he too looked as if he would cry. “I wish I could say that I want to see you that happy, that you would find a man who loves you as much as I. I fear that am not as good as you believe me to be because every time I think of that I want to kill him.” Spock took a deep breath and tried to compose himself before he spoke again.

Jim could do nothing but stand there, finally truly hearing something he never thought he would.

“Forgive me, but I have to say it Jim. I have to make this real for me. No one could ever love you as much I do.”


	18. I'll Die Loving You If I Have To; Part One

Jim felt as if he were going to die.

Spock stood silently slightly away from him now, his eyes showing his need and sorrow. Jim could never have imagined this. Spock wanting him, being in love with him. So many memories clashed together, so many things telling him this was impossible, that Spock was lying. He, James Tiberius Kirk, couldn't have Spock's love. He was dreaming, he knew he'd wake up, he always woke up. And that was a truth. Wasn't it? Everyone, everyone he ever truly loved either left, died or didn't love him back. Tevik, Sam, his mom with a lesser extent, Leonard, even Spock...the older version of him.

This Spock, _his Spock_ couldn't love him.

If it wasn't real, it would kill him.

If it was real, it would kill him.

He remembered the pain, he remembered the absolute agony of being tortured, of having his mind at a Vulcan's mercy. He remembered the agony of his lost innocence, of silence, of loneliness. He was afraid, terrified of Spock. Spock, who could break his heart, a heart broken too many times and barely put together. Spock, the man, Spock, the Vulcan. One touch and he would feel this, would feel how scared he was of those hands that would reach up to his face. He knew as Spock's expression changed that the other man knew. Maybe not the extent, maybe not all the reasons but Spock knew his fear.

“Jim, I...I am sorry, but I just needed you to know. I needed you to be aware of what I... feel. This is...” Jim couldn't help but stare, Spock hesitant, stumbling over words was a sight he never even dreamed of seeing. “This is my closure.” The words were spoken slowly but calmly and there it was, Jim's heart breaking. Jim heard Spock's quiet gasp and then Spock was in front of him, his hands on Jim's face. He didn't have time to be terrified, he could only swallow the lump in his throat as Spock slowly used his thumbs to brush off his tears.

Slowly, Spock leaned forward, until their foreheads touched gently and then Jim could only feel anger at himself. How could he be scared of Spock, his Spock? Spock was warmth, he was safety, he was safety. Jim took in a shuddering breath, this was the last he would see of his Spock. He would be married the next they met. Bonded. Bound.

Either way, Jim would be alone. But he could have this. He could give Spock something no one else would ever have. “It's okay Spock.” He whispered, his voice softer than he ever heard, then he thought possible. Jim Kirk was anything but soft. His hand clenching in Spock's robes rose and he touched the Vulcan's hand causing Spock to lean in even closer. Slowly, he stepped away and he could see Spock's distress. Jim almost smiled. He didn't let go of Spock's hand and instead led him to the bed.

Knowing what he planned, Spock tensed, his tone showing his warring thoughts, “Jim, this is too difficult. Please.” It was the whispered please that stopped him. He turned, the back of his legs hitting the mattress. “Okay.” If Spock found it too hard, then he wouldn't. Jim would never push this, but it didn't stop the feeling of utterly being crushed. He let go barely in time not to transfer the strong emotion. Instead, for a few moments they faced each other, not saying a word. Spock was the first to move, swaying forward on pure, basic, instinct. He caught himself just in time, almost touching, he closed his eyes.

Jim couldn't help but feel sad for him, for them. He tried not to cry again, tried not scream or lash out. He wanted this, wanted it with the other Spock too. He missed having a bond. His eyes couldn't leave Spock's tense face. Spock loved him, really loved him. He remembered the last meld with the Ambassador, remembered that feeling, that echo. He wondered, once again, would it be like that? Would it be better, could it be better? And would it be everyday? He found himself smiling sadly because he knew, he knew, it would be. He wished for the first time in years that he had never met Tevik. That his mind wasn't as fucked up as it was. He wished most all, for Spock.

“I am ready.”

The words barely caught made Jim freeze. Emotional, intense, dark brown eyes opened to stare at him. “This is the one thing you find most difficult, the fact that you would go through this with me is a testament to your own profound emotions regarding myself. I do not wish to never experience it.” Jim laughed quietly not being able to keep it in and Spock's eyes warmed to that wonderful caramel colour he loved. Not being able to speak, Jim sat down and scooted back, giving Spock enough room to sit opposite him and face him. He took a deep breath, found himself shaking and repeated what he knew to be true. Spock would never hurt him, he wasn't yet feverish, he was in somewhat control. And Jim needed this. If nothing else, he would have this moment to look back to, this one perfect moment, no matter how everything turned out, he would have this.

It wasn't the first time Jim had thought those words over his life. He had good moments, profound moments, but this was the first time they meant as much as they did. That, in itself, was amazing. Spock spoke, breaking him out of his thoughts, he realized it had been a few minutes. “Jim, I must warn you, when I am bonded, you know all experiences and thoughts are transferred.” Jim nodded, he knew, he remembered. He loved the fact that Spock was giving him an out, was telling him it was okay not to go through with it. He hated the fact that some other Vulcan would know this, he thought of all the security clearances he had, the ones he had stolen. All the crimes he committed. And then he thought of Spock, Spock, who got to choose the woman he would marry.

So, he replied with the only thing he could. “Choose wisely, Spock.”

Understanding, frustration and anger flickered across Spock's face. He didn't want to share this moment either but he couldn't say no to it. Jim took hold of Spock's hand, Spock's eyes focused in on their fingers. Jim smiled, feeling more powerful than he remembered ever being, it wasn't a furious power, or an unyielding one, but a soft shift of knowing you have someone's being in your hands. Emotional. Jim never felt so lucky as he did then. He finally understood what Amanda was trying to tell him all those years ago. Spock's eyes glanced to his face as he caught on to Jim's thoughts.

“You're so beautiful,” Jim repeated out loud and found himself truly happy at the light green spreading across Spock's cheeks.

Fingers, only slightly cool in his, long and delicate, turned in his palm and slowly caressed his. Jim's breath caught at the tingles that spread from such little contact, such a slow, gentle, slight gesture. More intimate than most. Slowly, and with renewed fear, Jim raised those fingers, Spock's hand, to his temple. Even though he knew it wouldn't make a difference, he raised his other hand and put it to Spock's temple. Only instead of doing the awkward spreading, he simply cupped a side of his face gently. Spock's lips twitched and he knew he made him happy somehow. Then he saw what he always pictured when he pictured Spock. Those eyes intense, dark and needy. He felt a rush of his own desire and saw them darken further.

Slowly, they both took a moment to breathe and settle down. It would do neither of them any good going into something so intimate, being aroused. Jim wanted to laugh at that thought and Spock's eyes lightened again.

Slowly, Spock spoke, his voice quiet but powerful, Jim's heart fluttered making him embarrassed, “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.” Jim had a burst of fear come out as he felt Spock's consciousness enter his mind. For the first time there was no pain right away, the melds between them recently had helped him with that. But he could feel his whole body, separate and together with his mind, tense. He immediately felt calmness and love from Spock. It made his fear evaporate in shock.

Shock, because he could never have imagined this. The depth of which Vulcans felt had always shocked him. And this was different than any other meld he ever experienced. Tevik's had once been pleasant, then unbearable, the Ambassador's had been all about healing and fondness and even that love which had been real, had no barring on this. He had wondered once, if it would be different between the two and it was, for the first time Spock had his barriers down, this wasn't about healing Jim but sharing, experiencing all their memoires as one.

Spock's emotions were intense, aflame even without the fever. His love was full of warmth, peace, respect, tenderness, admiration, understanding and the simple and powerful knowledge that they should be together. This is what the Ambassador had felt for his counterpart and Jim could no longer blame him for not wanting to bond to him. It was a mere echo of love. Jim swallowed as another fear gripped him. Spock was all around him, engulfing him, not intruding, merely present and he could feel his fear. Spock's voice, but not his voice, echoed in his mind, 'Jim, if you do not wish to continue, I understand.'

Jim found himself replying without meaning to, his thoughts merely responding. He stumbled over himself. 'You don't understand.' He thought of losing Spock's respect, losing that admiration that he had worked for almost four years to get. He had earned it tooth and nail, and this, this was the one thing that could ruin it, absolutely. It was one thing to talk about what happened to him, one thing to see glimpses but this would be all of Jim's memories, a deep, intense meld that may alter how Spock saw him.

He felt Spock's concern, but not his worry, he was sure there was nothing that could damper their relationship. Their minds together, confused Jim, he could feel everything Spock was feeling, but he could tell it was dampened, saving Jim from the full force of Vulcan emotion. Jim could see Spock, without seeing him, half his mind awake in the real world and half here, in this place where they were one and the same. Spock's mind was categorized, labelled but vast, he was controlling his emotions, being present and listening to Jim's thoughts and feelings, he was controlling his own shields and hacking into Jim's pathways to control the amount of adrenaline in his system. Spock was dampening Jim's fear biologically as well as just being Spock. And he was doing it all at once. Once more, Jim found himself enraptured by a Vulcan mind. They were indeed incredible.

This very scientific thought helped him calm down but as he thought of this Vulcan in particular, he really didn't want to humiliate himself so badly just before Spock left his life for good. 'You could never lose my respect.' Jim found himself mentally smirking at that and then feeling scared again, nervous. 'I tried so hard,' he thought. Slowly, he tried to signal Spock to somehow follow him. He felt clumsy and awkward. He had once had a full bond for thirteen years and still didn't know how to operate one. Then he felt a tidal wave of anger and jealousy. His mind automatically shrank back and he wanted to bolt. His non-eyes were scouring for an exit. Then more emotions came swiftly, guilt, sorrow, an unending apology, they were quickly dampened.

'I am sorry. I could not properly control that response. I am so very sorry Jim. I will leave.' His mind, still shaking, refused. His fear did not win out over the basic need to have Spock's mind together with his. Taking deep breaths, he thought of Spock, of them and he felt more guilt, his mind flickered to another Vulcan who felt guilty. Spock's emotions now extremely dampened showed his confusion at the vague memory. It seemed to take ages but Jim finally gathered himself. Once more, even more tentatively, he tried show Spock and said, 'Start at the beginning.'

A memory opened up, more sharp and clear than Jim found he remembered by himself. He was two and running through a ship's corridors into a lab. He was excited, nervous, playful. He reached up on his toes and scanned his mom's card like he'd seen the grown ups do. He was laughing, trying to hide under the table where his mom would find him. Only he knocked into it in his excitement. A crash sounded and he felt afraid, he had broken something and then his heart started racing, only it wouldn't slow down. He panicked, his breath coming in pants, he started getting dizzy and as the edges of the world got black he heard his mom scream his name. He knew then he was in big trouble. He remembered the hypos, the injections of fluids, waking up and being scared, looking for Sammy who had his teddy rabbit that had been his dad's. Jim found himself only then remembering the scruffy toy. He remembered his mom's fear, his tiredness, guilt of knowing something was bad. He was bad.

Then he was better and he was 4 and he was itchy in his suit, bored with being silent as he watched his mom smile at Mr. Frank in a casual white dress. Only Frank was now his new daddy. He wondered if he could play hide and seek later with him and Sam. Then the first hit came, the alcohol, the yelling and running and fear. He could truly _feel_ , for once, someone's reaction to his childhood. Spock, at first had been curious and then shocked and then furious and he felt a surge of protectiveness from him. He felt outrage and concern and love, so much love, it surrounded all other emotions. It was one thing to know these memories and Jim never really talked about Frank. It was another to witness them as Jim had lived them. Jim showed him everything, slowly, his head now starting to hurt, the edges of his mind threatened to give-in and burn but Spock helped him keep it at bay.

And as Jim showed him everything, he found himself caught looking into a mirror. Only it wasn't bright blue eyes looking back but big brown ones in a small adorable face. Eyes that were sad and lonely and at the present time; frustrated. Spock tried again, he was six now, he was old enough and needed to complete his training. One couldn't openly express emotion, it was disgraceful, it was wrong. He wasn't human, he was Vulcan and needed to-stop-showing-emotion! Taking a deep breath he shook himself. He would not cry. He would not cry. He did as his grandmother instructed and accessed his lacrimal glands, Vulcans he knew did not have these and he straightened at the thought, he quickly repressed the fluid wanting to drain through the ducts to his eyes. It took several minutes but when he opened his eyes, they were dry. He felt angry and even with that accomplishment of stopping a bodily function like a real Vulcan, his anger mounted.

He wasn't a real Vulcan. He had tears. Before he could stop himself he picked up the mirror and threw it across the room. It smashed hard against the wall and left him feeling satisfied. The door to mediation room slid open and his parents rushed in, his mother had the emotion of worry in her expression. He knew this, because he had memorized most of her one hundred and three expressions to date. His father was Vulcan and his black eyes stared right through him. Spock quickly stopped smiling.

Spock was full of anger, his classmates would never accept him, he was a constant disappointment, he did not understand his parents need to have created him. Why would they have decided such a cruel fate for him? He felt as if he could never be enough for anyone, he wasn't anything. He was something different, strange; unknown. He would never have anyone in his life that accepted all of him. But then his mother came into his room when he grew tired and mediation was no longer enough to sustain him. She was slowly caressing his hair, her voice quiet and peaceful as she sang traditional Vulcan songs, her accent getting better every year. She was warmer than him, and her feelings were so strong. He reached for her through their bond, and she stilled, he was retreating thinking once again he did something wrong. But she only drew him closer, still singing and he allowed himself to feel her emotions.

She herself had had a difficult day. Someone had insulted her without insulting her, the way he knew all too well. Mother was sad, and she seemed to only be happy when he was near, and father was next to her. Slowly, he turned and snuggled into her warmth, finding the only peace he knew. If he made her proud then nothing else mattered. He was seven when he vowed he would be a real Vulcan. He would make his father proud of him, he would no longer be a blight on their family and no one would ever insult her again. He knew then, he would leave tomorrow, three months early for his kahs-wan.

Jim tensed as the memory that he blocked out so much, came rushing forward. Spock was taking his time, going slowly though his memories as to not irritate Jim's scars. He had felt the Vulcan's jealousy over Tevik, had felt his anger, his frustration, his need to sooth him. And then the kitchen rose up and nausea took hold of him. Spock did not stop, knowing if he stopped, Jim would withdraw completely and there was worse yet to come. Spock tensed, Jim could actually feel walls going in place in seconds, Spock was blocking powerful emotion from him. Jim suddenly felt dirty and he thought how ashamed Spock must feel. But Spock sent him calmness, powerful emotions that held no disgust, only ringed by fury that held no bite for him. He had blocked out his hatred of Frank.

Jim found himself mentally nodding, going on into Tarsus IV. Spock knew from old reports what to expect but he tensed as he saw the star date when Jim sent out the SOS. He witnessed the massacre, Jim killing people, Jim's hatred, his torture and then Tevik. His mind then went into chaos. Jim had seen Spock almost die from a wild sehlat. He witnessed Spock age, his peers had stopped trying to get an emotional response from him physically, after he broke Sevek's nose, but their disdain was still there. The adults all had certainties in their eyes and watched him carefully. T'Pau ordered double the amount of classes than his peers were taking, she even took a few hours a week to teach him personally, a rare gift indeed.

An insult as well.

He needed better shields, stronger control, he would not shame his family by becoming V'tosh ka'tur. He would never let his human side give in. Jim felt so sad for him, wished they had met sooner. Spock was perfect, human and Vulcan both. Even though he completed every trial, even though he passed exceptionally well, at the age thirteen he found himself stopping mid-sentence. For six years he held the mind of T'Pring. She was his future wife and he knew her mind as well as he knew his, though they lived in difference provinces, he did see her twice a year. He knew over the course of several months she had been distancing herself from his mind. Now he felt the first hints of...disgust?

“Spock.”

He focused back on his professors and felt utter shame. They had witnessed his slip, they would tell his father, he had been emotionally distracted. He straightened his shoulders, thinking of the ridicule his mother would receive for his mistake and continued as if he had not just shamed himself once more. He focused on not allowing a flush to his cheeks. Jim just witnessed that memory, simultaneously, Spock was witnessing the famine. It was all so strange to have both going at the same time but then the torture started and Jim bolted. His mind lashed out, pain laced through him, sharp and burning. His mistrust, fear and paranoia shot up.

Jim couldn't help but shout, Spock was going to see everything, had already seen him push children out of the way, had seen him be selfish beyond life. He had been such a lesser person, he had turned children away instead of helping them. Had left a man to die on a rock. Shame as powerful as Spock as felt as a child reared up. Spock throughout all this, did not release his mind, he merely retreated, sending calm emotions to him, it felt like a century, like his mind was back to the nothingness Savith had once shown him. He witnessed the torture from then on as an outsider, it still played, and he knew Spock was burdening all of it and shutting it out for him. He saw those classes T'Pau made him take, saw him sit for hours, a couple times, he had mediated for days, scaring his mother when he was too far in to respond to her.

But Jim was so very grateful, he had time to gather himself, his horror, his pain, the worst of all memories, the worst that he always compared everything after to it, the worst was ending. Sam was over his shoulder, Sam was dead, gone forever, forgotten first child of the famous hero, George Kirk. Sam who had been weaker and better than him. Then Tevik was on him and he tensed once more, and it was even more unbearable. His mind was shredded, the bond knotted and forced and _wrong_. It was the worst betrayal, loss, his soul being shattered and every good memory stolen from him. He felt his mind twitch in remembrance, he felt that empty space in his mind reach out, involuntary, Spock only then paused, an old image as clear as if it were happening now, paused and Jim was safe.

Jim was on Vulcan, with T'Pau looking down on him, he was safe, here, now, fourteen years later wrapped up in Spock. Only Spock. He was safe. He felt Spock's presence move forward. It was strange but he knew instinctively what Spock wanted.

'Spock' he thought firmly, getting control, this was good, this was centring him. He was over one the most difficult of memories, he needed to focus at this problem. His fear crept in as Spock's mind slowly rushed forward. More fear entered his voice as Jim tried again, 'Stop Spock. Enough.'

He felt the full force of Spock's displeasure, he didn't want to stop, he wanted to tie them together, he wanted to fill the small, empty, burning space. Spock never wanted to leave the bright chaos. He wanted to comfort him, hold him, wanted him never to think about any other Vulcan but him. Jealousy, this one dark and angry rose up.

'I would never hurt you like that.'

Jim found himself warming up and conveyed a nod. 'I know.' He tried once more the mentally tell his Vulcan to back up. All Spock heard apparently was ' _his'_ and then Jim felt Spock's pleasure at being claimed. Spock retreated taking time to calm himself, to resist. Jim only then realized how difficult it was. Spock's mind was sluggish, not wanting to obey and Jim being human could not help, his own mind didn't know how to retreat or lead, he was only guessing. But Spock showed him that his mind was leaning in, that Spock had and was still building wall after wall for their minds not to link together. Jim was surprised as Spock calmly (his emotions blocked) informed him that his mind wished for a bond and as they were extremely highly compatible, it wasn't leaving Spock much room for retreating himself.

Then he felt Spock mentally shivered in pleasure as Jim experimentally tried to caress his mind. The emotion rebounding to him made Jim feel a burst of lust and want. He shuddered as well, harder. His mind frayed from the long meld, made his emotions erratic, his thoughts scattered and he was frightened he'd lose himself in Spock's mind. Before he could get back to his body and pounce on his beautiful Vulcan, Spock steered them back to the mission at hand.

They slowly went through more memories together. Jim angry and lashing out, fighting, stealing. He felt Spock's surprise, felt him worry. Then Spock saw him knowingly cause a war, and felt just a glimmer of disappointment, but then as Jim was witnessing Spock's memories of him perfecting his Vulcan mask, Jim heard Spock logic his actions.

Jim reluctantly stopped; his attention fixated on Spock's growing anger at his father, how he finally spoke up to him at the age of sixteen, though calmly and rationally. He felt Spock's guilt at being ashamed of having a human mother, felt him repress his love for her, he hardly ever allowed himself to be touched by her, in public or private. He ignored her sad expressions. Jim instead focused on one thought. Spock upon recognizing his attention said louder, 'This period of your life is full of emotional upheaval. You feel very deeply for a human and you did not seek consul for your traumas, of which, there were more than one. It is a perfectly logical assumption, that an emotional human would therefore, make emotional reactions, and since you had severe trauma, your actions would be more severe.'

He didn't know if one could fall even deeper in love but he felt it and made sure Spock did too. His whole body and mind relaxed, he had not known just how tense he had become. His head ached though, his mind raw and ached harder the more Spock delved in. Jim focused his thoughts as scattered as they were, he ignored the pounding happening somewhere behind him. He felt Spock do something and the pounding lessened but didn't cease.

'Your mind is becoming taxed, Jim. Do you mind if I speed up only slightly?'

Jim felt a wave of fear go up as he remembered the dizzying speed of memory and Spock once again had to calm him. ' This is me,' Spock said his presence calm and reassuring. They sped up slightly, Jim witnessed Spock's utter loneliness, he had no friends, though was surrounded by the same people since childhood. He gave nothing away, spent all his spare time either meditating or working. And throughout all of this, for years, Spock kept his anger in check. Most people who researched Vulcans, knew that anger was a Vulcan's downfall. They were a warring species, Jim always kept this in mind, and Spock was full of fury. It was well learned too.

Justified even.

He had no friends, he was different, unknown, the first human hybrid and therefore unnatural. Every Vulcan had kept this one fact fresh in his love's mind. Humans were weak, his mother should not had even survived Pon Farr. Indeed, Spock had accidentally overheard one of his parent's rare fights over the subject. How his father had wanted to use a Vulcan healer, how his mother was injured the last time. Jim couldn't help but feel completely disappointed.

Everyone was right, Spock and he, they didn't make much sense, and Jim would be selfish, he'd die early, even if it was by old age. He felt Spock reach out to him and apologized, he had no way of hiding what he was thinking. ' There is no way to hide here, Jim.' Jim smiled sadly.

Spock hated everything when he turned eighteen. He hated his instructor, his classmates, T'Pring who he knew to have a lover whom she had given herself to. Jim still winced at that particular memory. He never knew that was what it felt like for a Vulcan mate to cheat. It was as if sandpaper was savagely scraped against your mind, bugs burrowing into your skin, and _rage_.

An uncontrollable rage to kill the person who touched what was rightfully yours. Spock had only just blocked it out due to his severe training. He had spent a whole day in deep meditation over it and came out calm and slightly proud that he refrained from bursts of emotional lapses. He was still proud when his father told him he missed his schooling. Coolly, he apologized, feeling no remorse. He wanted for so long his father's respect, that now he had given up, accepting that he would always be less. It was this reason that he applied to the Vulcan Science Academy. He did not do it solely for his father, but for the simple, logical conclusion that he was Vulcan and deserved to go to the best school for Vulcans and to prove that he could complete it despite what everyone else thought. He wanted to complete kolinahr. He would purge everything, his anger first, his own shame, disappointment. He would find his own peace in the desert, in the hot sun and dry sand. Away from everyone.

It was his mother that made him apply to Star Fleet. He had grown over the last couple of years to dislike his father more, his father who married his mother out of logic. Simply because she was an intelligent human who had worked along side him. He hated how she was treated but as exams were being held and he spent the nights studying in his room, she knocked. He looked up from his PADD and then quickly turned it off. Turning, he gave her his full attention, worried.

“Mother is everything alright?” She smiled, it was forty-three point four degrees tilted, a smile that was marked with slight worry. He categorized all of them now. “Is there something you wish to speak of?” She sighed and sat down on his bed, facing him. “Spock, I know you're not happy and I want to say I'm sorry.” He spent only one point six nine percent of his mind to stop his facial expressions from frowning. He was getting better. Outwardly, he said, “Vulcans do not have emotional responses, Mother. Please do not state otherwise.” He tried to control his tone but his anger leaked out and Amanda swallowed looking somber. He continued in case she left on that note. “It is illogical to state apologizes for which one is not responsible for.” She smiled this time at an angle which showed she was amused as well as sad.

“I know Spock, but it is my fault in a way. I could have taken you to Earth more.” He stiffened. Jim remembered the memories along with Spock. Their 'vacations' were shivering in California, where his aunt and three cousins would stare at him and ask him questions that had almost no purpose. He fit in there, as much as he did here, there would be no difference. “I do not see how in relocating to different planets can affect a persons emotional responses.” Half his mind was already calculating the probability and then categorizing each planet, would it then affect different races similarity, would it matter if it were business or leisure? There was a whole project one could do on that, he made a mental note to check his PADD to see if someone else had already conducted such an experiment, when his mother spoke back up.

“Spock, you're an adult now to the rest of the world but me.” She smiled and he knew instinctively this was her motherly smile, reserved only for him. “You're my baby Spock, you always will be and I know how illogical that is, but it's true for me. I fought so hard to have you and you're here, perfect, studying to get into the best school on Vulcan. I know you'll get in, you're just like your father.” He tensed at that but she was still smiling his smile. She got up and approached him, before he could stand she cupped his face and he allowed himself to take a deep breath at the emotions she transferred. “You're perfect Spock.” He took her hands but didn't remove them, it was the first time they touched at all in three point two years. She truly believed that, he was perfect to her. He looked into her eyes, the eyes he inherited and had been condemned for. But they were beautiful in that moment and he felt guilt weld up in him for being ashamed of being her son. Of wishing to be fully Vulcan for so long. And he felt relief when she could not feel them. She kissed his forehead and said, “I know you'll do your very best on your testing tomorrow. I'm gonna miss you over the next week. I'm going to say this though, no matter what, even if you don't get in, you'll still have me because I will always love you. And I'll be with you on Monday when you go to see the council. I won't let you go alone. Get some sleep tonight, if not for yourself then to cure my nerves.”

She kissed him once more and quietly left. He hesitated only a moment but turned back to his PADD and drew up a website that had nothing to do with emotions vs locations.

He got in, but they had insulted her. He stared purposely straight ahead controlling his response. Instead, he asked calmly, 'If you would clarify, minister, to what disadvantage are you referring?' He responded calmly if rudely. 'Your human mother.' Jim held his breath, knowing Spock now for three years, he knew you did not say that. Spock looked to his father, 'stand up for her' he wanted to shout. His father said nothing. He could feel his father's eyes boring into him, telling him to be quiet, to accept his place and fall in line. It took Spock seconds, but his mind quickly sped through multiple scenarios, only truly focusing on her hands in his, and the fact that his human mother would truly be proud if he accepted. Proud to accept anything from the people who just insulted her, insulted her throughout his life.

He wouldn't be.

'Council...Minister, I must decline.' Jim watch the memory unfold with shock and many times wanted to burst out laughing. Finally, Jim felt himself grinning, as Spock said 'Live Long and Prosper,' in the Vulcan way for 'Fuck All of You'. The council caught it too and Spock felt his lip twitch just slightly before he corrected it. Jim never felt more proud of his Vulcan.

Spock now in his mind, seemed to find amusement from it too.

Jim was grateful the worst of his memories were over. Now Spock moved on to Jim's loneliness and Sana-Kor. Jim watched Spock enter the Academy, watched him slowly find his routine, he was reserved and still had no friends until Uhura showed up. This is where there was a reversal. Jim did not want to see this. Granted, Spock had just witnessed his breakdown over Tevik, how his mom had saved him (he had lingered over those memories), and this is where his slut phase kicked in. He winced as Spock saw him take a girl against a wall in an alleyway. Spock, he knew was building wall upon wall because he felt almost nothing from him. What he did feel was a slow burn that could have been desire, anger, or his own mind telling him to stop now.

While Jim had stepped down from Sana-Kor, he drank, fought, and fucked, Spock was now an instructor and he witnessed him being impressed for the first time, being asked questions directly. For the first time, someone was not intimidated by him. He did not know why they were and Jim mentally snorted at his confusion. He had to give it to Spock, he had been extremely professional, the first year he had known Uhura was first just as instructor and student, then budding friendship. It wasn't until summer holiday (Spock offered to teach summer courses) that they even went out for dinner together.

Truthfully, he could have skimmed these memories, and then he noticed how fast they were going.

His mind flared up and Spock stopped, the pain came rushing back and after a few seconds Jim refocused. Oh shit, Spock was kissing Nyota. _Shit_ , she was Nyota now. He couldn't help his jealousy from cropping up, he knew they were together, he knew how serious Spock had been. This was no surprise. Still, knowing something, and seeing and feeling it was different. He felt a little bit of smugness come up from Spock and irritatedly, watching Spock get all adorably muffled (not focusing on him), he snapped.

'What's making you feel all grand?' Jim mentally asked.

If they had just talked about this, Jim would have changed the subject by this point, like he always did. Then he saw what Spock was forced to watch. Twins, great, _oh shit_ , it was the club. A few more minutes, yup, there was his flashback. He was glad in a way that he got to share this, Spock now could see there was no emotion at all with his conquests, truly. It was recovery for a long time, dominance, being in control.

Necessary.

Spock, he felt, agreed. Jim wanted to shut his eyes as he saw Uhura underneath him. Truthfully, six months into the first year he had friend zoned her. She was too powerful, too controlled for him, he snorted now at that thought. Spock's amusement flared too and then he felt true emotion from Spock.

Jealousy, black and thick and Jim winced.

How Bones had rejected him, damn, he thought he got over that quickly. He was surprised Uhura and Spock didn't sleep together for the first year and half (since Spock didn't have relations with his students), Spock had been a right prude. And smugly with a little bit lust he thought, 'Spock I totally would have had you bent over that table.' That table was crystal clear and Spock was giving a lecture, he felt desire surge and then quickly wan. Spock had now seen that Jim had known about him, had requested a different instructor. Even seeing everything that Jim had done and been through, Jim felt Spock's hurt.

Then Vulcan came, both of them had to stop.

Jim felt dizzy at this point, his mind was throbbing, everything felt far away, this was the worst of the worst hangovers, of all headaches. Spock soothed him again, but to little effect.

Bones wasn't the worst of jealousies, Jim came to realize.

His relationship with the Ambassador had been emotional, just like Spock's with Nyota. They were the big ones. And Jim cringed at his neediness, at his wish to bond. The pain right now was interfering with everything, he couldn't imagine a bond in full strength. He now understood why Spock never wanted to, he really would not be able to handle it. Jim wasn't a Vulcan so he couldn't just stop feeling when he witnessed Spock meld with her, have sex with her, love her.

But he realized new things about Spock, once they had witnessed Nero together, Spock thought about him. He tried not to, but he did, either hateful or telling Nyota that he did hope Jim wouldn't crash the Enterprise, stupid human (in a very Vulcan way). Jim found himself smiling, he lived again the death of Pike, Spock knew how much that meant to him. He felt Spock give him comfort and he felt what Spock experienced. How Pike's last thoughts had been on his wife and on Jim. He lived again through his own death and Jim felt Spock's response, he was hit hard by it.

This grief that Jim had only Scotty and Chekov's detailed account of. Rage, uncontrollable rage, how he lost his mother only a year previously, how he only then realized how much Jim meant, how much they could have worked together. How he was sorry for not showing it, for being Vulcan. At how much he wanted to be Spock, _just_ Spock and that was how Jim made him feel, even then. The relief at his revival was just as strong and Jim had to take deep breaths.

Finally they were close, Spock's sadness over Nyota distancing herself but giving her space, jealousy at his other self. He was Jim's after all, Jim found himself shocked at this thought set months back on that day. Together they went through the conversation. Jim winced once more, still feeling hurt over it, it still lingered and he felt Spock's mind engulf his give off apologies, comfort and guilt.

'I did not mean that Jim. I would never consider that from you, I know how loyal you can be.' Jim still hearing _whore_ in his head only said quietly unable to fully shake it off, 'I know Spock. Now you know.' A wave of guilt and love, unbelievable love washed over him. It was pure and amazing and warm. And Jim felt it turn, surprised he forgot about the speech, and shivered as a blast of lust and need and possessiveness came over him.

'I mean what I say Jim. I love you, All of you, all of this.”

Jim saw it, how just when he thought to bond with Nyota, it was him he wanted. How when Jim lost the other Spock, his own had been horribly, guilty relieved.

'I, too, have experienced emotion I did not wish to. I have felt shame over them.' Jim nodded, he knew. Spock had been as alone as he had. And he did feel a bit satisfied that Spock had fallen, no matter how reluctant, Spock had given up a bit of logic, it had been hard, the most difficult of all things. Jim only then recognized how hard that was for him. Because now as they finished sharing, Jim could feel it, the end.

This was it, this was the closest they would ever be.

Jim's mind was ablaze at this point, Spock was going to withdraw just to help him feel better. He could feel his concern radiate toward him.

'We are one Jim. It does not matter if we are together in mind,' Jim felt panic, not at a Vulcan entering his mind, but at Spock leaving it. He needed to stay, they were one. And just like that a damn broke briefly and Jim felt all of Spock's despair and love and need. It was mix of everything and Jim instead of shrinking away; he did what he did best and gave what he got. He felt Spock shudder and then slowly separate.

When Jim finally blinked, the sun was high up, his arm fell to his lap, sore and tired. His heart was racing, head aching but mostly he was too caught up in crying. Spock, for the first time since Jim had died, had tears in his eyes again.

Together, they bolted up and as one and savagely started kissing as if the world would end if they were to stop.


	19. I'll Die Loving You If I Have To; Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dun, Dun, Dun. Yes, I have come to the second last chapter. Jim's going to get his marbles straight soon, I promise! I thought of this chapter long before I actually started with chapter one, so here it is, ten months later. Just remember, actually bonding is extremely risky for Jim physically and mentally. Shit can go wrong because his mind would still half reject it (even if he wants it). T'Pau warned him of this, she also stated if he did bond okay it would take years of mutual training and melding for it to become comfortable so both Spock and Jim (if they bond) will have a long journey ahead any ways. I want to thank all of you who stood by this incredibly long story and commented and invested into these characters and their stories. I'm very proud of this story, it's definitely my best yet. So, please comment and let me know what you think!!!  
> Also-it's sexy time so for all ya fans waiting for it-here it is!

Jim found himself beneath Spock. He hated that he loved this position. He let out a gasp as Spock attacked his throat with small nips and kisses. His mind flashed to their last madding time together. It was so long ago.

“I need you,” he rasped out. Spock quickly lifted his head from his throat, to give him a scorching kiss, groaning against his lips. “Yes...” Jim's hands were in Spock's hair pulling slightly, he arched up into the hard muscles of Spock's chest, it was perfect. He left goosebumps as he quickly undid Jim's robe, wearing only boxer-briefs under them, Jim retaliated. Stripping Spock of his robe, left him naked, causing Jim to grin, rolling them over. Spock's hands immediately found his hips; Jim sitting on top of his Vulcan couldn't help but spread his hands out on Spock's chest. The small patch of dark hair narrowed and trailed down, the outline of abs and the softness of Spock's skin was mesmerizing, Jim wanted to remember all of it, to know Spock's body completely.

He felt the lingering emotions from their meld almost consuming him underneath the pounding ache. This man beneath him, loved him, cherished him, he knew absolutely everything. The embarrassing, humiliating, guilt-ridden, furious moments of his life. The bad, the good, the worst and he still loved him, loved him more for it. Jim felt more tears weld up and inwardly swore, he was not some chick and he leaned down to kiss Spock with all of that built-up emotion.

Spock arched up, his hands roaming across his back, one twining in his hair, the other scratching lightly along his back. Jim groaned, loving the heat of Spock's mouth, slowly he broke away, breathing hard, he sat back up. Glancing, he caught Spock's gaze and stilled. Spock's eyes were dark, intense, full of wild passion. His fingers squeezed slightly on his hips and Jim felt his desire pike again. Not dropping his gaze, he slowly trailed his hands from Spock's shoulders down across his chest, dragging a thumb across his left nipple. Spock's hands tightened again, before they moved over his ass. Jim stopped his hands at Spock's hips; he could feel the tension in Spock's body, he was coiled and trembling slightly.

Jim slowly moved his hands upwards, until he leaned back down, laying on top of Spock completely. Pressing his forehead against Spock's he could practically hear the groan that Spock wanted to let out. He smirked, both smug and correct. Instead, Spock trusted Jim enough to let out a soft sigh. They laid like that for several moments, trying to let their desire wane. He never felt more intimate with someone than he had with Spock today. They had just experienced the most intimate and personal meld one could achieve and while it had hurt deeply, Jim didn't regret it at all. 

He wanted to be even closer, and yet they were pressed right up against one another.

“I must leave.” It was spoken so softly, Jim wanted to pretend he didn't hear it, that his headache was blocking those words, but they were touching skin to skin and he knew he couldn't lie. Instead, he ignored it, he raised his head that had been resting in the crook of Spock's neck, planting soft kisses on his shoulder, slowly making his way up to his ear. Spock's hand softly trailed down his spine before pulling him even closer in a tight grip when Jim nipped the tip.

“Spock, don't leave me.” He couldn't help but say the words. He knew it was wrong, knew it was too- everything- but hell, it needed to be said. He needed to say it. For once in his life, he had to say it to someone. To the most important person he'd ever have in his life. Spock turned and nuzzled him. When they locked eyes, Spock said, “I will not.” Jim could have sworn his heart skipped. He had misunderstood, Spock had misunderstood but before Jim could ask, Spock was nudging him. He moved, guided by Spock, he found himself shocked, Jim glanced at him. “Spock...”

He didn't know what to say, are you sure, sounded dumb. What's happening, sounded worse. He didn't know what to say. Jim was lying in between Spock's legs and the intention was clear. “I need you to be aware, Jim, this act is extremely profound.”

“You're telling me,” he mumbled, as always Spock continued and Jim smiled at their routine. “It will be instinct to deepen our link. Do not allow me to, your mind...” He didn't need to finish. Jim was feeling the pain of it still, would be for a couple more days. He was just glad it was only a deep ache now thanks to his healing treatments. “But, I mean, what about your situation?” Spock's eyes darkened not in lust but thought. He was frowning and Jim wished he kept his damn mouth shut.

“I believe one of two things will happen, if you proceed.” _Oh, so now it was on him, was it?_ “The first, is that my mind recognizes you as my mate, when the Fever truly begins, my mind would reach for yours.” Spock paused allowing Jim some time, he remembered the horror in those three days. The crushing weight, the burning. He was scared. His body ridged, Jim took a deep breath, letting out his tension. He hated this, hated that he was scared, hated that his mind was broken, hated that Spock's Vulcan genes were more dominate. He placed a kiss on Spock's chest, wondering if this had been enough.

They had shared everything with each other. Memories, emotions, need, the simple absolute certainty of love. Perhaps this was best. Jim wouldn't be plagued the rest of his life by this one day. He wouldn't know what Spock felt like, he wouldn't know whether he gasped or groaned, wouldn't know if he was better than Nyota. He bit Spock's neck at that thought. No, he wouldn't wonder that, at least on his good days. He'd just pretend otherwise.

“Jim...” He heard Spock's amusement, concern, sadness and desire. Damn straight he'd be better than her and especially some ridged unknown Vulcan. “What's the second?” He whispered as he sucked on Spock's collar bone. Spock, his hand threading through his hair, stilled and Jim grinned widely. He had actually distracted Spock.

God, he loved him.

Though it didn't take him long to collect himself, his hand continued moving and Jim rewarded him by moving to his nipple. “The second-” Spock hissed, his hand clenching wonderfully, “would be that you and I become lovers. The Fever has yet to manifest properly. I am still in control. It could lead to two scenarios. The first; it would release the chemicals that are building up, my fever could be postponed a couple of hours, perhaps a day or two. The second would only-” Spock's body tensed as Jim sucked harder before moving to the other one. Spock tried to arch up, his groin more than half hard once again.

Jim glanced down, for the first time allowing himself to properly look. He took after his human parentage there, his balls were closer to his body than humans, held close by skin that wrapped around them (not human genes) and his cock itself curved downwards dramatically, straightening, he knew, when fully erect. It looked human enough, only with no foreskin as almost all human males had. Jim couldn't help but bite his lips and he only went back to current goal when Spock once again arched, seeing his dilemma.

When Jim licked down Spock's chest, he remembered as vividly as he could the sensation of Spock's cock in his mouth, the taste, the thickness, he loved the fact that Spock could self lubricate. That was definitely a fully Vulcan trait, as well as the fact it varied with dark and light greens, not pinks. Spock, once more, found himself having to collect his thoughts and said, “The first option would give me a few more hours. The second could increase the process.” Jim stopped, raising his head and Spock immediately arched a brow at him and Jim loved that he could read that expression. 'Why-Are-You-Stopping-Spock' repeated himself and Jim did groan for both of them.

So they could take the chance that it could be one night, or they could both die from bonding, or Spock could go into a blood fever within hours and be lost to him even sooner. All awful choices.

“Tell me what to do.” His mind and heart were fighting, logically, he knew this was big risk, one that would have Bones dashing for sleeping hypo to knock him out. Which would be worse, he wondered? Looking into Spock's eyes, he knew the answer. It was as simple as that. Jim could see all of Spock in that moment, all of his open emotions, his ongoing conflicting path of simply being. Jim saw Spock's brilliance and his need for acceptance but most of all he saw Spock grasping for him. For him only.

Jim was his friend, his companion, his trusted person. Jim was Spock's. Spock, knowing his thoughts, quickly surged up, kissing him passionately. Turning them over, Spock used his weight to keep him down and Jim bit his lip playfully, his mind decided against everything rational.

“I'm not going anywhere Spock. Not until I'm forced to.”

Spock clutched him closer than he had ever been to anyone before. They kissed, caressed and explored. It seemed like ages later, when Spock finally took off Jim's briefs. Their kisses grew in intensity, Jim still wanted to be closer and both of them fought for dominance. Finally on his back, Spock gave in with a low growl from deep in his chest. Jim chuckled, not at all hiding his shiver at that primal growl. He gasped as he finally ground into Spock, taking a hold of both of them, he slowly stroked, teasing. Kissing Spock, he savoured the taste, how hot his breath was, how his tongue stroked his like he'd been doing it for years. He moaned, speeding up his hand, both of them panting.

Spock bucked underneath him and Jim could feel him shaking. “James, please.” Spock said as he broke away from the kiss. Jim didn't stop, he squeezed slightly, his thumb swirling along the tip. Spock shuddered and Jim sucked on his neck, causing Spock to gasp. He felt Spock tense and knew, if he wanted to keep his top position, he had better get a move on. His hand was already wet from Spock's lubricant, he slowly, lightly, trailed two of his fingers along Spock's shaft, when Spock's eyes closed, he only then realized that to a Vulcan, he was kissing him there. Jim was still smiling as he slowly played with Spock's opening.

Kissing his way down, he he licked and kissed down Spock's moist penis. Spock, Jim noticed, was caught in between wanting to fall back down and wanting to watch him. Licking upwards, he held Spock's gaze, loving the fact that Spock twitched slightly in his hand. Quickly, he engulfed him, sucking him down and was rewarded with a quiet, involuntary moan. He couldn't help being smug as he quickly increased his pumps. This was one action that wasn't sullied in his memory, he found out last time, he enjoyed it. He couldn't believe he was the first to go down on Spock, how Nyota got off free, it explained how surprised the Vulcan had been that night. Truthfully, he was the one missing out, he loved the taste of Spock. Loved having him withering beneath him, a powerful Vulcan, brilliant, great, inspiring, beautiful; all at his mercy.

“Jim...”

Slowly, he inserted a finger into Spock's ass, ever so slowly he eased in. Minutes later, he quickened his pace, Spock shaking and bucking his hips. Another finger, and Jim started searching, hoping that Vulcans had a prostate. And to the left, he found it because when he pressed on the tiny gland, Spock jumped slightly, Jim sat up halfway and before he could ask if he was okay, Spock practically barked, “Don't stop.” Still inside him, Jim started pumping furiously, hitting his mark perfectly, he sucked harder, not letting up. Jim moaned once more, the vibrations too much for the sensitive Vulcan. Spock came with a small cry, his head thrown back, his eyes squeezed shut, his whole body trembling.

Jim swallowed, eyes intensely focused on his lover. Spock had never been so beautiful. Crawling up, Jim slowly leaned in to kiss him gently. He froze as Spock turned his head. He grinned at his Vulcan's turned up nose. “Uh-uh, Mister Spock. You're so not turning away from me.” Breathing hard, Spock grimaced as Jim kissed him deeply, passionately. He smiled as Spock relaxed into the kiss. Just to tease him, Jim hummed as they separated and whispered, “You taste so good, ashayam.” He couldn't stop a chuckle from coming out as a green flush spread across his cheeks and neck. Jim ground down, his own need not yet satisfied and Spock breathlessly spread his legs. Jim groaned, lifted himself up to look into Spock's eyes. He didn't look away as he lifted himself slightly, his hand cupped their erections together, Spock was already hard again (definitely Vulcan there). Jim spread Spock's lubricant onto himself, with only slight difficulty, making both of them shudder.

Looking into Spock's face, being prepared to stop, he positioned his cock, nudging Spock's entrance. Spock swallowed hard, his eyes almost closing as Jim slowly entered him. Jim almost dropped his head, so good was the heat engulfing him. He stopped as Spock's breath hitched, but his hands gripped Jim's hips, encouraging him to continue.

Flush against one another, Jim shook, panting from trying not to thrust wildly. Spock shifted, his legs encircling him and Jim groaned. They both closed their eyes and Jim rested his head in the crook of Spock's neck, breathing in the scent of him. He felt so hot, so complete. He could stay here forever, he was frightened he'd come the moment he moved, he was also frightened of hurting Spock, remembering how it felt for him. But Spock wasn't having mercy on him. The older man's hips bucked, his legs tightening, hands roaming across his back.

“Move,” Spock growled and Jim groaned and smiled at the same time. He kissed Spock, slowly, savouring each second. He planned on going slow, on drawing it out, having Spock beg him for release. Spock's hands tightened in his hair, at his thoughts. He couldn't. The moment he started thrusting, he couldn't stop, couldn't slow down. Long, hard thrusts, it was needful, desperate. Jim wanted to give everything to him, everything he was, everything he wanted to be. He wanted to never be forgotten. He never wanted Spock to push this memory away. He never wanted Spock to forget and he was selfish enough to want this memory carved into both of their minds. Spock's head was thrown back, he was either unable or no longer cared about holding back his cries.

Spock groaned under him. Each of Jim's strokes hit perfectly, magically against that one spot, Spock didn't beg but he certainly withered under him as Jim stroked him. “Jim, Jim, yes Jim...” A desperate mantra flowed from his mouth barely able to keep up with the wild thrusts, making Jim burn, desperate, he needed release. Moaning, Jim grabbed Spock's hand and intertwined their fingers, kissing him ruthlessly every way he could. Still thrusting harshly, he felt Spock shudder, swallowed his breathless moans, tensed as Spock's muscles constricted around him. Spock came hard, it took only a few more strokes for Jim to follow.

Jim collapsed, it took a few moments of peaceful bliss for him to catch his breath. Slowly, reluctantly, he lifted his head and kissed softly on Spock's chest, before he properly looked at his best friend. Spock's eyes were dark still, his face tinged beautifully. Jim tried his best not to look worried but Spock answered him anyway. “I would never regret today, Jim. This was...perfect.” Jim couldn't help but beam down at him and Jim saw Spock offer a small smile in return. He couldn't resist kissing him again.

Minutes later, he groaned, his cock slipping out of Spock's warmth. He hated the loss of contact. He didn't want this to over yet. Not yet. They laid entangled, neither moving to leave, both exploring each other. Spock was the first to seriously move, and it was to get wipes from the cupboard in the bathroom. He walked back and Jim couldn't help but appreciate the view, Spock was nothing but graceful, he drew Jim to him. Slowly, Spock positioned himself on top Jim. Jim tensed, taking in a deep breath. The Vulcan took out a wipe and staring at Jim, his eyes intense and Jim knew, a smirk laying under the impassive expression; Spock slowly slid a hand along his penis and wiped him down.

The friction, the slight cool wetness had him gasping, his cock twitching. Spock continued exploring, albeit, with his lips. It was Jim now squirming underneath a talented mouth. Spock licked and sucked at his neck, his chest, down his shoulders and abs. Leaving marks and tracing his scars, tingles constantly followed his wake and Jim felt himself stirring for round two.

“Spock, if you keep going, we're not going to stop.”

And while Jim seriously, really seriously, didn't want to stop, he thought they were pushing it with the first time. A second time, against his instincts, his rational mind suggested it probably wouldn't be a very good idea. Spock merely stilled for a moment, his eyes darkened with too many emotions for Jim to name and Jim felt a lump rise in his throat. Then without comment, Spock continued and Jim let his head fall back down, surprised at his depth of selfish relief.

He gasped as he felt Spock's tongue lap over his erection. He bolted up onto his elbows to watch, shocked that he was willing to do this, especially after they had sex. Jim almost fell back down, as he was engulfed and he shivered, his hand reaching out automatically, to grab onto the Vulcan's silky strands. It didn't take long and Jim was still reeling as he collapsed back down. Embarrassed at how fast he had come, Jim groaned as Spock kissed his way up Jim's chest. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about ashal-veh.” Jim smiled, and chuckled. He stupidly, felt tears threaten to blind him but he blinked and Spock kissed his checks, softly.

Jim knew, just as Spock knew, he loved Spock and they were both risking Pon Farr. He knew in a moment, what he had to do. This one last gift to Spock. The last thing he could ever give to any man. He loved Spock, he loved him enough to die for him a thousand times over. He loved him enough to give him up, to live without him. He felt a spike of raging pain and Spock stilled above him. When they locked gazes, Spock's eyes were worried, agonized and filled with love.

“Do not think such things, Ashayam.” Spock traced his check and Jim couldn't help but lean into the slightly cooler touch. Jim smiled and felt both sorrow and delight. “I can't picture my life without you. You're the best part of me, Spock. You've shown me so much. Patience, goodness, joy and you've given me something to hold on to. You've understood me when no one has. I've never had someone so loyal to me, not even Bones would take as much of my crap as you could withstand.” He stopped and they both thought of the meld. Spock rested his forehead against Jim's and did not reply. He didn't need to. They needed no words now.

Jim spoke anyway, spoke because he had been silent for too long. Because if he spoke it out loud then it was real and Spock knew it. Spock was smiling slightly as Jim said quietly, “I love you and I trust you more than anyone. I trust you.” Jim reached up and drew Spock in for a long, soft kiss. It was gentle, lingering and Jim moaned as Spock pressed into him. When they finally broke apart, Jim whispered, “You have me Spock. You have all of me. It's okay.” Jim spread his legs and watched as Spock's eyes closed in desperation. When they snapped open, they were once more full of desire.

The emotion between the two men was so powerful, Jim clutched at Spock, he was frightened to let go, he needed this. Jim didn't want it to ever end. It didn't take at all long for him to grow hard again. Spock kissed him thoroughly, his hands sliding over his body, his mouth trailing behind. Jim was going to be marked from head to toe after this. The thought made him chuckle and then shiver. Jim trailed his hands against Spock's back, his ass, his thighs and chest; everywhere he could reach. He reached out and took Spock's hand, licking and sucking at the long, elegant fingers. He felt Spock shudder against him, and like a true Vulcan; he retaliated. Spock once more descended on Jim's aching cock and Jim moaned.

“I'll never get used to that,” he breathed, arching as Spock then moved to fondle his balls. Soon, breathing hard and shaking, Jim was arching up into the hot heat. He felt a moist finger rub against his opening. Jim tensed, unintentionally. Spock raised his head, he kissed his way up and spoke calmly, “If you wish me to stop, I will.” Jim swallowed and shook his head. “No,” he breathed, his eyes closing. He needed to do this. He needed to feel Spock inside him, to erase every other memory before him. This would be his first and last time with someone who he absolutely loved.

Spock shuddered again, this time at Jim's thoughts, and pressed into him. Slowly, he entered a finger and Jim bit his lip. “Relax Jim. I have you. I won't hurt you.” Spock continued to speak breathlessly, his mouth right by Jim's ear. Jim clutched him, wrapped his legs around him and Spock slowly moved. He ground their cocks together, making Jim gasp and arch up into the friction. Spock's finger moved to his prostate and with calculated precision, kept moving perfectly on it.

After a few minutes, Jim was bucking, he wanted more, it felt so good. “Spock, Spock, please. Stop teasing.” It wasn't enough. Spock raised his head so that he could hold Jim's gaze. Slowly, very slowly, he entered another one and Jim once more tensed, though, this time for not much longer. It felt good.

Ridiculously good.

Why didn't he do this sooner? God, it felt good. And then he realized, Spock's fingers were inside him. His heart, already fast, fluttered and he smirked. Jim, being Jim, couldn't help but thrust harshly upwards, pressing into Spock's hard cock and making his fingers dive in deeply. “That feel good, Spock?” He grinned as Spock's eyes darkened, his face flushing and he watched as Spock stilled, having to collect himself. Jim had never felt more powerful. It was wonderful. He threaded his hands into Spock's hair, messing it up even more than it already was. “I want you inside me,” he whispered into the Vulcan's ear.

Spock's eyes were still closed and his breath hitched at Jim's words. Jim pushed it even farther by licking up the outer part of Spock's ear, nipping at the tip. He earned himself a gasp and Spock bucked into him. Jim hadn't been this turned on ever. He had never felt this good. He was going to come any second. His cock was straining, already leaking precum and Spock wasn't taking any mercy on him. His fingers were scissoring and stretching him, then passed over his prostate, giving him a sense of burning, slight pain and then arousal. It was delicious.

When Spock, finally, finally positioned himself, Jim was withering, he was ready to beg. He needed more, he was sure Spock was a second off thrusting wildly out of the sheer amount of lust coming off Jim's skin. “Are you sur-”

“Fuck, yes Spock. Just please hurry up.”

He saw Spock's lips twitch in a smug smile and he was about to reply, that he was not begging, when he cut himself off. Moaning loudly, Jim threw his head back as his body tensed and Spock moved ever so slowly inside him. It must have taken a few minutes for Spock to fully engulf himself and a few more Spock breathed hard, not moving. Once Jim finally relaxed, his body adjusting and finally concentrating that it was Spock inside him, he realized, holy shit, _Spock was inside of him_.

And then his impatience came in, his desire at full blast. He wanted Spock to move. _Move, dammit_! “Spock,” Jim would have winced at his pathetic whine but he was far too gone by then. “Spock, please, baby. I love you, I trust you. _Move_.” Spock groaned, a real, true groan and Jim grinned. The Vulcan took both his hands and pinned him, their fingers intertwining. Spock kissed him deeply and slowly pulled almost all the way out before (calculated perfectly) sliding back in. His thrusts were long, slow, not lazy but loving, almost teasing. He wanted to be gentle, for it to last.

This is how Jim wanted to take Spock.

 _Fuck_ , Jim thought, his teeth clenched, he _hated_ Vulcan telepathy.

He felt the Vulcan hide a smile in the crook of his neck and Jim tried bucking up, tried to get Spock to go faster, to go deeper. Spock merely raised his head to kiss him again and Jim moaned in protest. He kept thinking, ' _Come on Sp_ o _ck, Fuck me, Take me, I'm yours, Fuck me into the mattress_.' He thought of every fantasy he ever had. The one with the desk and his professor fetish, taking him in the turbo lift of the ship, of Spock fucking him in the Captain's chair, against the shower wall in their suits. He thought of Spock hands on him with water caressing down their bodies, he thought of his mouth on Spock in the science labs. Any and every place that Spock would work, any place where Jim could tease him. He wanted Spock to work professionally, to try concentrating and then a wandering thought would torment him with images of what they could do. Jim wanted his control to slip.

Just a bit.

Just a little.

The same slip that made a joke and eased the tension. The same slip that made Spock express his frustration when he lost a game. The same kind of slip that made him push Jim against the conference table. God, Spock could take Jim on that conference table anytime. Spock groaned, his breath hitched, his hands tightened, his whole body went rigid but his thrusts remained slow and gentle. Jim loved and hated him for it. He was withering, panting, out right begging Spock to fuck him harder, to touch him, to let Jim touch himself, instead, his dick was trapped in the amazing and terrible friction of their bodies.

Jim felt himself slowly give in to his increasing bliss, it was impossibly consuming. His whole body started to shake, his moans coming out in a string of Spock's name and 'yes' and his body tensed. He didn't care if he was being loud, he didn't think about this being the only time he'd ever experience this. He wasn't thinking at all. This was everything. He had never felt so much lust, desire, need. He loved Spock, absolutely, their bodies were meant to connect and he lost himself as he shouted and came.

Spock gasped, his eyes dark and deep, he bit Jim's shoulder, not able to keep down a moan and came almost at the same time as him. Jim felt his body collapse, he had no energy left. Jim's legs that had been clutched around Spock now stretched out and he only managed to raise his arms to stop Spock from reaching his meld points. He gently but firmly lead Spock's hand away and encircle his lover. Spock only began to move minutes later.

“Don't,” he managed to whisper.

Jim felt his sweat dripping trails down his chest, his back. His breathing was only starting to even out. Spock barely braced himself above him, he could feel that Spock was as utterly satisfied as he was. And then Jim felt it. He allowed himself to feel it.

The finality.

He had experienced it many times. The sure knowledge that this moment was it. He had felt it, with many different people, many different scenarios, but never like this. Tevik, his mom, Micheal, Jenna, Locan, Adalyn. He never wanted it to happen with Spock. Not him. Not now. No. He couldn't stop the tears from building this time. He squeezed his eyes shut, his arms tightening instinctively. He thought of every person in his life, all the friends he still had, all the people who would actually, truly miss him. They still paled in comparison to the man trembling in his arms.

His mind went over every glance, every minute expression of his friend, he went over happy moments, bonding moments. Spock's eyes alight with humour, alight with teasing, darkened when in thought or frustration. Jim couldn't lose him. How was he supposed to go everyday not seeing him? How was Jim supposed to act when he did? If they had to work together again, would he be able to after this?

“You've ruined me,” He whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks.

There would be no other friend, no lover that could fill the hole where Spock lived in Jim's mind, in his heart. He heard an agonized chuckle and stopped when he realized it was coming from him.

Blinking, he saw Spock's face in front of his, tears in his own eyes. Spock slowly kissed his wet cheeks and whispered, “I love you James.” Jim felt all of it, all of his love for the Vulcan, and when Spock reached up to his temples, he didn't flinch, he wasn't scared at all. Spock let him feel all of his love for him. It only made him cry harder, silently grieving a loss that would never heal.

He clutched his friend tighter to him even though he knew he'd have to let go soon.

* * *

 

Spock did not look up, though he sensed his father behind him.

“What have you done?” He could hear his father's confusion, his horror underlying those calm words. Looking across the red sands of New Vulcan, Spock could not bring himself to feel any regret, there was none. He looked down, entranced at the feeling of hot sand under his feet, he closed his eyes, allowing his increased senses to memorize the sensation. _It would be_ , he thought, _the last time he would ever feel it_. His father continued, more emotion than he had ever heard, entered his voice, “What were you thinking? Where was the logic? You will die.”

Spock took in a deep breath, his eyes closed, he could only see Jim. Jim with his blue eyes darkened, not in lust but love. He felt it even then, those unfathomable depths. Looking up and over at his father, he was only slightly surprised at the open agonized expression of his father. Spock still felt no regret, though his eyes softened, he could not stop his facial muscles, his lips edged upwards into a small smile. “There was no logic,” Spock said quietly, “There was no choice. If I am to die, father, then I die happily.”

Spock faced his father fully then, feeling emotions that he had never allowed himself to feel. He was still astonished at how deep they ran. He could see James crying, feel the man's own love for him, how it had so completely engulfed him, he had shaken with the amount of emotion. He could still hear his voice whispering, 'you have ruined me,' feel the certainty behind them. Jim would never stop loving him. He felt selfishly happy at that and then guilty for Jim should have a life with love in it, Jim deserved so much more than him.

Spock closed his eyes once more, he tried not for the first time, to truly try to categorize what that human meant to him. Captain, best friend, companion, lover and yet he was kin, family. Jim was honesty, loyalty, trust. He had opened his mind and body to Spock, only to him, a gift unmatchable ever again. James was pure, even in those moments of his past, moments that had shocked him, made him furious and agonized. Spock had tried to convey to Jim his forgiveness, his understanding, how those moments had been what made Spock love him even more. Not for the first time, Spock wished they had met years ago. That Jim had stayed that one extra day on Vulcan.

But as Jim had stated, they would not have fallen in love, Jim had not yet been ready to befriend anyone, as much as he would have enjoyed it. Certainly, he, himself, would have only seen James as something less, someone human. And that presently, was an excruciating thought.

“James,” Spock breathed a half thought on his mind, they were all of Jim, of golden hair, of strong hands, of scars and emotion, of a being that radiated life from every pore. “James is...” Spock tried to tell his father why, he wanted to give him a real reason. His mother had been taken in a spilt second but Spock he was be able to give his father a goodbye. He would be able to give him this.

Spock looked down, his hands were shaking more, the tremors stronger, his desire flickered, he remembered Jim beneath him, felt his warm, strong body in his arms. He took in a sharp breath and then pushed back the memory with difficulty. Clenching his hands tightly, he looked to his father, face to face. He shook his head and still unable to define the man he loved, he simply said, “James is... everything.” His father stepped closer and Spock continued, his voice quiet but absolute.

“He is the most illogical man I have ever and with a strong probability even if I am to survive, one of the most illogical men I will ever meet. He is the one man that has always had the ability to break down my mental walls. He can draw emotion responses out of me with disturbing ease.” Spock remembered his confusion, his anger, his frustration. He remembered being so angry and irritated, then sad and disappointed at the knowledge that Jim enjoyed bringing out those emotions. At first, he thought Jim was attacking him, making him seem weak and unworthy as so many before him had tried. His peers at school could have taken lessons from him. But then he recalled the more recent emotions, amusement, teasing, mutual understanding. And now with memories of Jim's life in his mind, he knew why he had always done it, why would always do it.

Jim trusted him, and while it had been a test in the beginning of their relationship, now it was natural, now it was because Jim could. Jim could make him feel human, accepted and most of all, Spock felt complete. Both Vulcan and human and extremely proud of that fact. It had taken him such a long time to begin to accept himself. Now it was too late. “He is emotional, stubborn, determined, quick to anger and retaliation. He is all of those things and more, excessively flawed and yet still full of such capability to love. He had endured more than one man should and still has hope, he dreams and has the ambition and capabilities to make those into reality. He seeks so be so good and he never allows himself to be anything other than perfect in his work...”

Spock trailed off and was not aware he was smiling, his eyes faraway. He came back to himself quickly though when he felt another spike of lust. Focusing on his father's face, the father whom he took so much after. He felt admiration for his father that had never been there before. Not, at least, to this extent. He respected his father, loved him, but admired not until recently. His father's eyes were black and intense, he knew as only a son could know, that Sarek was memorizing every word, memorizing every facial expression. He was going to remember the last of his son and feel no shame at the last days of madness.

“Was it like this?” He asked his father. Spock could see a slow burn of agony in Sarek's eyes. His father deserved the highest of praised, as all Vulcans did, how they all survived the loss of their bondmates. Spock knew in that moment the pain his counterpart must have endured. He could not fathom it completely, he could never imagine a life spent with that amount of emotion, to have Jim in his mind and soul everyday for decades. It was a dangerous fantasy. Most of all, he could never imagine it breaking, that one bond that meant the most. The one connection that ruled over all others.

James had been right all along. He and his counterpart were not the same, not at all. For he knew, Spock would have never reached his elder years. If Jim were to die, he would selfishly and happily die along side him. He was not his father, he was not his other-self, nor did he have James strength, he was not as strong as any of them. His father's eyes were entangled in memories, in a life full of flowers, in smiles and laughter.

Spock shuddered at the silence the new house had become and he thought again of Jim giving his father Soraya. Jim knew silence, he knew agony, he understood now why Sarek had learned to respect him, why Jim felt the need to have that respect even in the beginning. Spock found himself once more feeling the depth of his emotions plunge even deeper, he was ready to drown in his love when his father saved him.

“Your mother...” Sarek blinked rapidly and Spock carefully and with great difficulty focused, Sarek had never been so open with him and never would again. It was to be a memory he would always cherish, he knew, even if it were only for a few more days.

“Your mother was so full of life. She was fragile and yet utterly determined once she set her mind to something. Amanda opened me up to a life I had not realized was hollow. She taught me how to feel, she taught me the meaning of true control, how to lie and most importantly, she tested me and made me feel more truly Vulcan than anyone else. Even, I will add, when I did not act so rigidly Vulcan.” Spock nodded, he too understood that. “Your mother loved me enough to abandon her family, her people, her very world; all that was familiar and comforting. She fought for you, she wanted to have a child unlike any before her. You might not be aware of this, my son, but I had been willing to adopt a fully human child for her. I would have done anything to save her from the difficulties of pregnancy.”

Spock nodded, only because of Jim did he know these things.

“I watched her try so very hard to be Vulcan for me, and she refused to give up. She would not allow us to adopt nor allow a surrogate to carry you.” Sarek smiled only just slightly at the memories only he could see. They looked at each other and Spock could see the awe and wonder in his father's eyes. “You were to be our child, she would say, ours. Made not of logic or reason, you would not be Vulcan, you would be love. Made, needed truly, out of the only reason there ever is in having a child. You, Spock, my only son, made Amanda and me a family. So to answer your question; yes...yes it was almost precisely like this.”

Spock had to swallow and both men stayed silent at the warring emotions within them. When Spock spoke, it was with the same wonder his father had just then held, but it was spoken hesitantly as well.

“Father...James...he is my t'hy'la.”

His father's eyes widened at such a statement. Spock knew how serious it was, never to be considered lightly, not even a common term anymore. But he knew if there were such a thing as a t'hy'la, if there were soul mates in the galaxy, whether by a foreign, yet unknown or known aliens, or a divine god, if it was more than a fairytale; he knew he was meant to be with James Tiberius Kirk and James was meant for him. Even without a link to their minds, he knew every expression, he could follow James thoughts in an emergency, a nod, a glance, it was all that was needed. He wondered once more, how he could have never seen it, felt it, how he could have ignored it for such a long time? How had he been so blind?

But fear, as Jim would tell him, fear affected all living things and made them illogical, stupid and hesitant. He could see his father's face crumple, first in sorrow and then in understanding. He did understand and Spock turned to look out across his new home. “You have been given an extraordinary gift, my son. It is rare and precious. You give me even more reason to be proud.”

Spock smiled, feeling love for his father. He had never associated warmth with the man, that had always been his mother, gentle, compassionate, loving. His father lifted a hand to his shoulder and before they knew it, father and son embraced in one of only three hugs they ever shared and this would be the last.

Spock could recall the last time he had been held thus, it had been twenty-four years previously, after his completion of his kahs-wan, the second time. Spock had felt proud and enormously happy, he remembered not being able to hide it form his eyes and being ashamed that he could not repress it fully.

Now, he only felt peace; his lust for James faded momentary. His father's hand on the back of his neck transferred calm, peace and love. There would be sorrow he knew, there would be horror, need and madness. His father would be alone, with no part of the family he had tried so hard to have. But for now, there was peace.

Spock felt like a child once more, as he gently laid his head on his father's shoulder and took in a deep breath.


	20. If T'hy'la Did Exist; You'd Be My Other Half.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M DONE! Okay, so I've rewritten this chapter twice and I feel a little better about it. It has been a long time coming but I did give you all a happy ending! Hopefully, you all like it just as much as the rest of the story!! Let me know either way!! Thank you all, my very wonderful readers!!!!!!!!

Bones found Jim curled up in his room, he couldn't see him through the tears but he felt him. Jim couldn't hold himself together. He couldn't stop sobbing, feeling as if he were going to die. He could feel Spock's hands on him, his kisses and most of all, could still feel his mind. It was an aching loss that Jim didn't know how to handle. Bones held him as he sobbed uncontrollably. It could have been hours later when he finally became numb.

Bones first words jolted him back. “Jim, you need to go back down there. Before it's too late.”

Jim's heart stopped and looked over at the seriousness on Bones' face. Bones' eyes soft and sad, said slowly, “I love you, you know that. I want you to be happy and whole and feel what I feel for Carol every day. I'd do anything for her and the baby. Everyone knows that you and that Vulcan belong together. Nyota knew that before her relationship with him was even over. If you let him bond with someone else you might as well die anyway. I can't lose you, especially not this way.”

Jim winced and swallowed roughly. Bones tightened his arms before he said, “I'd rather lose you both trying, then lose you both through the agony you'll put both of yourselves through. Spock might be a freaking statue but even he won't like being bonded to some Vulcan.” Jim's lips twitched at Bones surly tone at the end. Jim nodded, feeling desperation swell up inside.

Jim had been through hell multiple times. He had faced horrors that not many people could imagine. Pon Farr being one of them. It made him cold, froze him until all he could do was tremble. Could he face this for Spock? Jim really pictured life now, he was getting slowly better, he still needed healing treatments but now only every couple of weeks. He would need them for years still, and with a bond, if he lived through it, he'd been looking at healing treatments for decades. Though if he was bonded it could actually help on the other hand. Spock would be constantly healing him in an overly-hopeful universe.

Bonded.

The very word sent fear and longing through Jim. He did want that. He wanted it with Spock. His Spock. The only man he ever truly loved and the only one he really slept with. That in itself, was laughably rare and almost unheard of. There was, right then, the only fact that mattered.

Spock needed him.

Spock needed him and for the first time Jim was giving up. He wasn't fighting or clawing his way over this. Essentially, he was giving up. That thought made Jim utterly stop. He knew he was doing that and yet he didn't know how to solve this. If he didn't die or both of them die, Jim could be brain damaged, he could be comatose for the rest of his life.

Worse, Spock would be traumatized by it too. And that was what Jim truly feared, them surviving and Spock being affected by his scars.

“Jim,” Bones said, seeing his internal war, “I can't leave you. I haven't changed my mind about space, I hate it. But I've also been thinking for awhile now, I've witnessed a ship crash into San Francisco, I've watched as conferences and planets were attacked by rouge militia. I was there when Vulcan died. An entire planet died in front of us, Jim.” Bones looked desperately at him and smiled sadly, saying honestly, “I want my family to be together. Carol and I could take the baby to earth and live happily. I'd open up a practice and actually like it this time. It would be a good life, a normal life. But right now Jim, with you being captain and this ship being what it is, something so great, I feel better on board than off it. You're my brother, my family and I don't want to say goodbye to you yet. Maybe one day we'll go our separate ways but that's not now. So you need to go down there and come back and know that I'll be here to fix you both back up. Bring our first officer back with you and we'll figure out the rest later.”

“Bones it's harder than you make it-”

“No, Jim, it isn't. If I have to lose you, this is the only way I'd make peace with it. You're doing this for both of you and you're doing this for a future that is happy and bright and filled with love. Four years ago I would have told you to start this ship and leave Spock to his race. I would never have told you to risk death and mental damage for something that could maybe happen. But this, this is so worth it. It's the only thing worth dying for.”

Jim nodded and thought of Spock. He couldn't lose him, it was that simple.

He bolted up and turned to his best friend and said seriously, “I love you, you know that.” Bones rolled his eyes but stood and hugged him tightly. “I know. I love you too. Now go.”

Jim heart was racing as he ran down the familiar corridors. It was all a blur. The grey walls, the feeling of home, for the first time, wasn't there. His home was on New Vulcan, in pain and needing him. He didn't know if Spock had already bonded with one of those women, he didn't know whether or not it was even an option. But Jim did know that if he didn't do this, Bones was right, he wouldn't want to live anyway.

All his life it'd been coming to this. The real reason to live under the anger and pain. He had found someone who loved him, who he loved, truly and passionately. It was what made him better, made him feel alive and whole and safe. He couldn't let that go now. He was an idiot.

Jim landed in front of Sarek's house and made himself walk in.

Sarek, T'Pau and three other Vulcans that Jim didn't know were all in the living room. Sarek stood as Jim approached. Now, with everything bubbling up inside him. Jim was left speechless. It didn't matter, for the relieved look in Sarek's normally blank eyes told him everything.

“Jim, this is a dangerous time. You could die trying to do this.”

“I love him.” It was all that mattered now, it was all he needed to say.

Sarek stepped closer, saying quietly, “This is not something to jump into James. With your scars and trauma it will seep into Spock's mind. That is just the way bonds work. You must take care in choosing, if you truly plan on going forward with this.” Sarek wasn't telling him to stop and he was grateful for that, he looked at T'Pau and said, “You once told me that I could have a full bond with a partner who focused on healing and mutual attention to building the bond. Is that still true?”

T'Pau stared at him before speaking slowly, “I did intend that sentence to be with your then-bondmate Tevik. The fact that you also experienced a break of a mate bond has further aggravated your mind. However, you have sought healing treatments and have made progress in recent months. I believe if you do successfully bond with Spock and your mind does not reject his.” _Which it may do_ , her tone stated, “You both will need years to adjust to the new bond. It will be much harder than average and it may always have side-effects from your PTSD as well as Spock, whom wouldn't ever be able to shut you out. Doing so, I'm afraid you may experience negative symptoms due to your previous bond.”

Jim winced remembering Tevik shutting him out so harshly. Yeah that had physically hurt before, he'd hate for Spock to do it to him. Jim glanced at the other Vulcans, most likely healers, Jim paid them no attention, since they weren't interrupting.

“Did he bond yet?” Jim asked feeling stupid.

“No,” said a calm and soothing voice.

Jim turned to see a shaking and utterly relieved Vulcan enter the living room. Everything else faded and Jim let out a deep breath. God, Spock looked wonderful, even shaking and breathing heavily, obviously close to losing himself, Jim couldn't help but admire him. “James...” Spock breathed before almost running to him.

Stopping himself from reaching out to Jim temples, Spock stopped at just cupping his face. Jim smiled widely and said, “It's okay Spock. It's okay.” Spock shook his head and said, “I can feel your pain, Jim.”

It was true, his whole mind was pounding harshly for the first time in months. It was strained and horribly raw. But Jim had suffered worse, up until now, in a few days, he'd then experience something unknown and what would become a new level of worse in his opinion. Or, if they somehow managed to beat this, somehow come out on top, it could be the very thing he had always been looking for.

“I love you,” Jim said, ready to cry under the pain and emotion. Spock shuddered and moved by instinct. Jim grabbed his hands, stopping him and looking into Spock's darkened eyes he smiled, saying softly, “You are the best part of me, Spock. I've been trying to be something I could be proud of my whole life. Trying to be great with goodness, true goodness that I'd never achieved. I know I have good parts to me, but honestly Spock, it's you who makes me truly want to be someone better. I fall back into the dark when I'm left alone. I almost did it with Khan and I did it again with Mitchel. I just, I need you. I need you in my life because you're a part of me. My heart, and my judgement and my life. You've healed me in so many ways, I can't go on without you. If I die I want it to be worth it. You are.”

Spock looked at him lovingly and intensely. He swallowed before he said, “James, my mind is yours. You have been the only one to reach every part of me and I am so happy to call you mine, even just for a moment. I love you as well.” Spock leaned in to kiss him and Jim only then remembered the rest of the people in the room. Spock growled slightly under his breath at Jim's wandering thoughts.

Jim frowned as they separated and Spock spoke, confirming his thoughts, “Our joining did not make me recognize you as my mate.” Jim immediately blushed at Spock's blunt words, his eyes shifted to Sarek, who looked once more stoic. “Our meld, Jim, was deeper than any I have experienced, combined with our compatibility, my Time and our relationship, my mind did focus on yours.” Jim blinked and then frowned saying, “Wait, you're telling me, melding with me this morning made you claim me. Even before-” Jim stopped implying that Spock telling him the risks came after the meld.

Spock merely smiled in response, one Jim wanted to punch him for. “I wished for it to be your decision, Jim.” Spock said, pulling him closer. He only then realized how tightly he was being held and how hard Spock was against his hip. He once more felt a wave of fear, only this time it was combined with lust as well.

“James, you have come here to allow us to bond?” Spock asked, now verging on the tipping point. Jim could feel the Vulcan's tension, his need and his thin control over his own self. Jim swallowed, and truly for the first time, felt like he was standing up for something that he needed. He had fought so much but couldn't remember why. He had always acted on instinct to save himself, even when he didn't want to. Instead of hating fate, he found that maybe she had been planning this the whole time. He would never have learned the importance of love, of Spock and his own struggles, on how much being of two worlds affected the Vulcan. Tevik, his time being bonded, war and loneliness. They had both experienced fury and utter loss, throughout all the disappointments, throughout all the mistakes, they had found each other.

Jim nodded and said, “I'm here for you, Ashayam.” Spock's eyes lit up and he said sadly, “I spent my whole life wishing to be fully Vulcan. I lost Nyota to my difference, I lost some understanding between my mother and I, but I have never truly wished to be human until this moment. Forgive me.”

T'Pau moved forward and Spock snarled making Jim jump in surprise and fear. “Do not touch him,” Spock snapped out. Glancing back at him, Spock's expression softened and then grew needful. “I will not allow anyone to hurt you.”

“Spock, you do not know the proper-” Spock cut off T'Pau by saying, “I know my mate's mind,” as he placed his fingers against Jim's temple.

It happened as it always did. Fluid and natural, Jim felt Spock's mind warmer than it usually was.

Soon, it grew hot as Spock rapidly approached that distant place in Jim's mind. Already sore and raw, Jim screamed out as the pain became blinding. He clung on to Spock as felt Spock's thoughts, his emotions and that fire flare up in them. It was horrible. Jim was determined and fought through the lashing agony, trying his best to reach out to Spock's overly hot mind. He felt tidal waves of his own unconscious walls rising up, only for Spock to easily crumble them. He gave Spock credit, he was going slower than Jim expected him to, he could feel the eagerness and it seeped into Jim making him want to fidget and lean in closer.

Soon, Spock was truly approaching that place and the pain increased until Jim was screaming throughout it. He faintly saw T'Pau and Sarek move but then his vision went. Now Jim could feel Spock, all of Spock. This connection they were making went even deeper than their meld. He could feel walls slowly coming down from Spock's mind. It was vast and all-consuming. Spock was surrounding him and tying every part of Jim's mind to his own. This was utterly alien, insane and amazing.

Behind the blast of pain and raw agony, Jim felt lust hotter than he had ever felt in his life. But it was more, Jim could feel Spock's whole emotional range and it was staggering. There was no pain coming from Spock, though Jim felt worry, tension and sympathy, jealousy and utter possessiveness. All of them were wrapped up and under a staggering and mind blasting wave of love. All the emotions, the thoughts, the images and feelings soon combined until Jim couldn't tell where he stopped and where Spock started. Spock was claiming him from the inside out and Jim knew, right this moment, there was no going back now.

Then, before Jim could take a breath, they were one. One mind, one consciousness and Jim was reeling under the burst of agony and fire. Spock immediately surged in to kiss him senseless. Fear shot through him as he felt that burning tie form between them. It shot up through his whole body blinding him to everything else except the heat tearing through him. It was truly torture. The fire licked his skin making it itchy and tight, painful and raw.

Jim finally felt it, the true lust during Pon Farr. It swept through him like a tidal wave, overcoming his own pain, his own destruction of his mind. Until all his thoughts were on his mate and the fact that he needed to be claimed. It jolted his body until it became a primal, powerful instinct. Jim cried out as Spock entered him quickly. He managed to stop himself for a moment before becoming overwhelmed himself. Jim arched, half wanted to get away, his mind tearing at him and half enjoying the emotions of love and need. He lost himself in the feeling of Spock's skin against his, the hard press of hands pinning him to the bed.

Soon, Jim could only feel Spock's mind as it engulfed his, pulsing the agony of the Fever into him.

* * *

 

Spock could feel Jim far away. He could hear his voice clearer than he ever had before and it tore through him. His mate, his beautiful, strong mate was in pain and needing him. Yet, every time Spock tried to near him, Jim pushed him away. It hurt and his own hurt vibrated through both of them. Spock didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to make Jim understand he never meant to do this to him.

Spock looked around the darkness surrounding them and shuddered. He needed to protect Jim, yet how was he supposed to do that when it was him that was hurting his human? He could feel it, now that he had found himself on the other side of the all-consuming fire, he could feel their bond and it was hurtful, hot to the touch, every time he went near it, he found himself flung back from it.

Painful, was an understatement.

Spock once again went over his options. Becoming alert, he jolted, panic swept through him and into Jim. Someone was attempting a healing meld with him and being linked so closely to Jim, Jim's defences came up, blasting so wildly, it blasted into Spock. Spock then attacked the intruder, feeling a familiar mind, he wasn't able to recognize it, as his fury blocked everything out.

Once the intruder abruptly left, he tried to calm his mate and project his own protectiveness on him. 'I will not let them touch you, Adun.' Jim, even more powerfully, pushed him away again. Spock sighed and tried one more time.

* * *

 

Leonard McCoy, Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise, grumbled and once again refused to leave.

 _Vulcan matter, my ass_ , he thought. Carol rubbed his shoulders and the entire Alpha crew sat in the Vulcan healing temple. They had commed the Admiralty and told them the finer points of what happened. Since it was a Vulcan matter they couldn't give details but Leonard was growing more anxious with each day that passed.

It had been a month, a whole month that both Spock and Jim had been unconsciousness. Every time a healer went to meld with Spock, he flipped out, and the doctor had to stop immediately. It was utterly awful not knowing how to help them. “I just don't see why they can't-” Leonard started only to be cut off by Nyota. “You know he's trying to protect Jim's mind. It's instinct for Vulcans to protect their mates. He can't help it.” Nyota's voice was calm and detached but her expression too was one of worry as she curled into Scotty's embrace. Who would have known they would have become a couple in the past few months? They sure kept it quiet on board. Leonard still couldn't process it.

He didn't know what to do. The Admiralty would only wait one more week before assigning new officers. They were going to lose both Jim and Spock, he felt a wave of guilt and sorrow take over him. Leonard had done this, encouraged this. _Idiot_ , he thought not for the first time. He had known how bad it would be, how difficult. Because he was so happy in his life, the happiest he had ever been, he hadn't thought logically. Damn Vulcans, they were right about that tricky logic. Leonard still saw Jim, curled up and sobbing. It had broken his heart, Jim wasn't a weak man, he didn't give up. He repeated that to himself and hoped Jim would too. 

Leonard was about to make himself another tea when Spock unexpectedly bolted up from his bed. Everyone jumped at the sudden movement. Eyes wide, Spock bolted over to Jim's bed a step away from his. Slowly, he lowered his hand to Jim's temples, speaking in Vulcan.

Jim opened his eyes slower as everyone was speaking over each other. Sarek, T'Pau and Sol'ken came in quickly. Jim groaned and flinched, drawling out, “Spock. Headache.” Spock had to have his shields down because he slumped in relief and held on to Jim tightly. It took longer for Jim to move and Leonard was fidgeting, the healer made him step aside and it was killing him not to monitor them himself.

He only relaxed, getting his racing heart to slow down slightly, when a few minutes went by and it looked like Jim and Spock would stay awake. Jim smiled tiredly over at him and said, “I think I'm going to need a doctor for awhile. Mind staying here?”

Bones shook his head and said, “Kid, you're going to kill me here.” Jim let out a gruff chuckle.

* * *

 

Jim swallowed and winced. He hated everything. He felt horrible and couldn't stand the fact that his mind wouldn't settle. The bond burned savagely. It had been a month and he was still suffering under the tidal wave of Spock's emotions that seemed so normal to him. Yet, Jim hated it when he went to block it out. It reminded him of Tevik and it hurt both emotionally and physically.

Jim took in a deep breath as he tried to focus his mind into meditating. This was helping though it was difficult. Every day was a challenge. Their bond was stronger than anything he had experienced, he could hear Spock's thoughts, feel his emotions and even sense when he was close. It all felt so alien and it all grated against him, no matter how much he found it amazingly cool and intimate.

They were still on New Vulcan, Jim was taking classes with T'Pau, Sarek and Spock. He was finally learning about bonds and controlling the bond from his end. It was all so new, so different. Spock always tensed, both in jealousy and protective instincts when he thought about Tevik and his old bond. It was his only comparison, though it was pale and weak when he judged it by this. This was so powerful it tended to knock Jim sideways for a few moments. He'd concentrate so much on their bond sometime, it would take awhile to get his attention.

He owed everything to Spock. The pain of it all, after his lust had waned enough for him to feel physical pain as well as mental had combined and had made him block everything else out. It had felt like years he had been trapped in his mind. But for those years, Spock had been there, at first he stayed on the edges, Spock had only stepped in when Jim had felt a foreign presence and that shot his mistrust and pain through his body and mind. Overtime, Spock had grown more firm and yet more emotional. He had coaxed Jim into working with him sending him waves of calm and trust and love, not an easy feat, and together they had brushed against their bond, letting it become less painful. Jim hadn't even registered how good it felt to be bonded until he felt it fully, he still couldn't believe he blocked it out. They had found each other again and Jim still remembered the love that had been buried underneath his pain. It was that, that finally settled Jim down enough for Spock to pull them back out.

Though it hurt even now, Jim was focused on getting this to work. He loved Spock and if they both had to endure this pain, it was an okay side-effect to have. Spock came up from behind him and sat down, wrapping his arms around him. They were finding that physical connection helped in easing the anxiousness and headaches (once more back), though they had yet to have sex again. Jim was seriously missing the sex, or the first sex they had. The Fever hadn't been pleasant, though Jim had felt pleasure, it had hurt his body and mind.

Jim leaned back and sighed again, “I can't concentrate. It's too nice out today.” It was, the sun was bright and the sky clear. The sandstorm that had hit two days prior had cleared the weather up. Spock hummed and kissed his neck. Jim grinned as he felt desire heat up in both of them. That was weird feeling both their emotions as one, sometimes exactly the same and other times quite opposite. It was, many times, exciting.

“Dinner will be ready in half an hour.” Jim hummed in response. Sarek had warmed up greatly to him. Spock insisted that Sarek always liked him, just gave him a hard time of it purely because he was Sarek and Jim was Jim. Jim didn't know which was the truth but he was grateful either way. He would have hated not to have Spock's family's respect. Now, he was becoming more comfortable around the man and Soraya really liked him, so there was that.

That night as Jim tried reading a book, trying to get his mind to relax for bed, a routine in which he would establish for the rest of his life, Jim couldn't stop his thoughts from cascading against him. All of his fear about his mind and about Spock morphed and combined. He thought of not being enough, of ageing and most of all being left alone. It was making his heart pound and his whole body tremble.

“Jim,” Spock said from the doorway. Jim looked up and caught the worrying expression, most of all, he felt it. Spock stepped forward until he sat down next to Jim. “I need you to calm yourself adun. I find your thoughts to be unpleasant and distracting.” Jim nodded and relied guilty, “Sorry. Sometimes, I just can't help it.” He thought of Saros and Spock ageing. Lean, grey and still damned good-looking and regal. “I knew a version of you that was old and as much as I like that, I know logically that I'll never see that part of you. You're so young and if by some miracle I did get old and die, you'll still have a hundred years left, maybe even two.”

Spock tried to speak but Jim kept going, reaching out to clasp their hands together, “I don't want you to be alone or feel lonely again. Yet, I'm selfish enough not to want you with anyone else.” Spock did his not smiling-smile and finally managed to say, “Jim, I believe you overestimate my strength. I am not my counterpart nor are you, yours. I believe,” Spock paused, taking his time. before he continued seriously, “I believe I am able to live without my father. I have lost many bonds, my closest being my mother. My father's is next of where her's once was.” Jim nodded, feeling those bonds sometimes when Spock was relaxed and not concentrating on anything. “James, I believe I can live without my race, all one hundred seventeen thousand eight hundred and thirty-two of them, currently. I could be utterly alone with only Romulans as close relatives, it would be preferable to living without your bond.”

Jim could feel all of Spock's seriousness and love, he felt the power behind those words. He could feel it all and for the first time in a month it didn't hurt as badly. His mind was beginning to feel once again, a moment of the wonderful cushioning, Spock tried to make again. Utterly relieved, in more ways than one and feeling their emotions well up, Jim leaned in to kiss Spock. Their bond was powerful and humming between them. They were tied and perfectly connected.

“Your life Jim,” Spock whispered, “is my life. I am not as strong as you, I have always known that and showed it when I experienced your death. Now that we are one, I will not give that up. I will follow you.” Jim took a deep breath, hearing his heart his ears, he said, “You'd leave your dad?” Spock's eyes softened further as he said, “My father understands, Jim. He has since the beginning.” Jim nodded.

Yeah, Sarek and Spock's relationship this past month was amazing, they finally understood each other and Jim realized he was a big part of that. “I wouldn't be able to go on without you either. I think I already proved that.” Spock nodded and kissed his temple, tugging him closer. “I am aware of what would happen.” Jim snorted, yeah, two broken bonds in a human's mind? That wouldn't go so nicely, Spock probably knew better than Jim what would actually happen. He hoped he never experienced it, there would be no coming back from it.

“Spock,” Jim whispered, “I'm so glad I found you.”

“As I am.” Spock replied. Jim backed up enough to look at Spock and said, “Take off your clothes.”

Spock raised a brow at him and Jim nodded. “I want you. I love you, you're my bondmate. Now take them off.”

Once again his mind attacked him with fear but he fought through it. Taking off Spock's robes slowly, he savoured each piece of skin revealed to him. Taking his time he rediscovered every inch, kissing and caressing his way across Spock's body. He couldn't help but be on top this time, though he was physically recovered, he knew it would be a little longer before he allowed Spock on top again. He would, he still loved the idea of it, just you know, in another one or two.

Thankfully, Spock didn't complain. Just in case, Jim made sure to take Spock in his mouth. Twice. He went slow, taking his time and drove Spock crazy by teasing him for so long. He groaned when he finally entered Spock's heat. It was made twice as intense since Spock didn't hold back, Jim could feel everything that Spock felt. It made the whole experience incredibly intimate and wonderful. Spock rolled them over when Jim started finally thrusting faster, not being able to help it. He was about to complain when Spock pushed him down, straddling him now, Spock started slowly riding him.

Taking his time and teasing Jim, he drove them both slowly insane. “Fuck Spock. God, I love you.” Slowly, Spock started speeding up, making their breathless panting and moans turn louder. Spock leaned down and Jim held him tightly to him, kissing him harshly as their thrusts turned frantic. Jim came first, shuddering and moaning. Spock quickly followed send another blast of pleasure through their bond, kissing him until they both needed to breathe.

Jim held Spock close to him, their bond pulsed and Jim allowed himself to feel everything it brought. It hurt, hurt badly but Jim was in this for the rest of his life and he knew it was a very small burden to bare. Slowly, very slowly it eased, until all Jim felt was Spock's satisfaction and happiness, it hummed brightly and for the first time in the last month he had hope. He could feel Spock's love every day, his support and a calm, soothing affection. It was doing wonders, they had come a long way in just a month, even if it seemed like a little to Jim.

This time, he was taking T'Pau's advice, and maybe one day it would slowly diminish, until all he felt was the one day normalcy of being Spock's- Jim jerked up his head and looked at Spock.

Confused, Spock asked, “What s it?” Jim grinned and said, “You know, I really like being your bondmate. But I am going to have an annulment soon.” Spock didn't catch on right away but when he did, he asked, “Do you have a point?”

Jim laughed. “You're going to make me ask?” Spock stayed silent, waiting. Jim shook his head, amused and happy. “Spock, will you marry me?” Spock's eyes lit up both amused and joyous. “Technically, by Vulcan culture, we are already married. But yes, I will do so again.”

Jim laughed before descending down for a kiss and round two. 

* * *

 

Spock carried the box through the door, wanting to sigh as he saw his bondmate unpacking their combined book collection. Jim looked over at him sensing his presence. Still recovering from the harsh bonding, Jim and Spock were only recently allowed back into command. They had both taken a six month leave of absence and stayed on New Vulcan together for the majority of it. Spock, never having been bonded before, was still more adapt at controlling the bond that Jim.

Jim had constantly feared Spock hurting him telepathically in the beginning, he then experienced physical pain when Spock tried closing the connection between the two of them. It was a learning process they were still trying to navigate. More than likely, Spock calculated a four point five year adjustment time, at the least.

“Is Carol going to come over today?” He asked as he opened up his box and took out his Vulcan statues, those that he didn't want on the ship. Carol had only recently given birth to a baby girl that both Bones and his mate were utterly entranced by. Jim nodded and spoke happily, “Since Nyota and Scotty are in Norway right now, and the rest of the crew are on a mission, she's the only one near enough to help make plans. I'm thinking about ditching the grey and going with a silver.” Jim reached over the crowded coffee table and pulled up swatches of different greys. Spock tried his best to be interested. He must have failed because Jim rolled his eyes at him.

“Seriously? It's only our wedding. You know, something I had to get demoted from Emperor to General of an entire planet, to have.” Now Spock felt amusement weld up. Jim insisted they have a human ceremony when the crew came back in a month and it was a constant state of back and forth decisions. Spock would rather merely sign the papers, but Jim wanted the whole traditional set up.

Apparently, so too did the Admiralty, the news had been flashing their relationship status rather offensively to Spock's view. It did not concern anyone else though, and even Sarek and many high Vulcan and Star Fleet members would be in attendance in just a week. After the wedding, they'd be up in space with Sulu and Pavel again, on their first five year mission. It had finally been approved six months ago, although with certain mandatory changes. Spock walked forward and kissed Jim's forehead.

“I still prefer the first one.” Jim grunted but leaned in to him. Spock found himself entirely grateful that their lives were finally settling down. Jim's nightmares were becoming less common and his trust in Spock was more apparent in their minds every day. They still had their battles to win yet, but Spock felt more comfortable and his assurance was seeping into Jim more and more.

The bell rang and Jim jumped before grinning. “Hey, remember we have to get the paint for the spare bedroom.” He called behind him as he went to get the door. Spock sighed. They had chosen this apartment because it was ta block over from Leonard and Carol. Jim had wanted the condo above Lenoards (a penthouse like the one here, Jim considered the others 'too small') but Spock remained firm in creating some space between the four of them. Bones seemed slightly grateful for it, constantly drawling out, 'She's my kid you know. Why don't you two adopt?'

Nevertheless, they did have a spare bedroom was specifically for little Anna James McCoy for when her fifth birthday approached.

* * *

 

Everyone was there to see them off. Even Sarek and Jenna came. Before Jim left, he made sure to sign over his decision-making over to her, he was ready to trust her with Sana Kor. After all, she was his sister and he did owe her after what she had just done for him. Their five year mission was now here and it looked completely different than it did two years ago. Jim had his family surrounding him and he knew now, he always would.

Slowly, but surely he was becoming okay with change and with letting go.

These people around him were friends he knew he'd keep for life. They weren't going anywhere even if they weren't on his ship. It was something that he was just coming to learn. Jenna finished her meal, all of them at their usual restaurant once again. They were leaving in less than three hours. Bones was once again going over Jim's recent medical tests. He kept second checking whether or not Jim's mental problems were going to affect his physical body. Bones kept warning him about future flues and the fact that he would get more attacks from Lannect's in the next year. Jim let him do it, it seemed to calm the doctor down. However, it did make Jenna ask, “How is your Lannects?”

Jim shrugged and replied, “Manageable. Bones thinks it's a yearly attack right now. Yes, Bones, I'm fine.” Jim shrugged at Bones rolling his eyes. Jenna nodded and Jim finally came out and asked, “Okay everyone. I have to. Are you all certain about coming back on board?” Everyone smiled and both Scotty and Bones looked at each other. “You know lad, with all the modifications you and Spock put into the ship, I have to say, I feel damn safe inside it.”

Everyone gave each other knowing looks except Jenna and Sarek. “What happened? No wait, what did Jim do?” Jenna asked and Sarek looked over at him curious. Jim shrugged and tried to look innocent. “First off, the Admiralty should never have made that motion absolute without having all Officers present. I resent the fact that they took that descion from me. I'm the Captain of the Enterprise, I should be the one in charge of who is on my ship.” Bones just gave him the usual look whenever he brought it up and said again, “Well, you were kind of comatose when they called it in. You know, in case you've forgotten being on your death bed.”

Now Jim rolled his eyes and was about to speak before Jenna cut him off. “Wait, what did he do?”

Sulu snorted and said, “You know how all Star Fleet ships now _have_ ,” Sulu pronounced that word and winked at him, making Jim scowl back, “to take children and wives of those who want them aboard.” Jenna nodded and said, “Yeah, a lot of people are debating that still. I think it's stupid.” Jim gave Jenna a proud look and said, “See, someone sane.” Bones, Scotty and Carol all rolled their eyes.

“You do realize that Jim had seventy-three pages of plans to put in place over the last six months. Why do you think we delayed the deployment? He has MACO trained nurses and teachers. Won't even hear about them not being trained. He also installed, with Spock, a system that shuts everyone else out except for Spock because apparently he's the only one with a level head in a crisis.” Jim gave Spock a look and said, “Not really arguing that.”

“As a Vulcan it is only natural that I be the one with the clearance. You will react emotionally if we ever hit a crisis and therefore react irrationally. Besides, there are seventy-nine different, self-controlled, safe guards.” Spock paused and then said, “The new nursery and classroom will actually be the safest place on board should the ship be either boarded or exploded.” Nyota blinked, pausing in the middle of burping AJ.

She looked to Carol who nodded. “Oh, yeah, I designed a lot of the machinary myself.” Nyota's brows went up and she asked, “Do I want to know?” Carol shook her head and held out her arms for her daughter. “You signed up for a five year mission with a paranoid, brilliant, harsh and insane Captain. A Captain who just bonded to his husband of two days, who by the way, he will worry terribly about even more so now. Two security guards are bringing their twins, three doctors are bringing their children, five, count it, _five_ science freaks who work with Spock are bringing their infants.”

“Not to mention, ours,” Said Keenser, his wife nodding beside him. “There are modifications. Truly, frightening modifactions that I still can't believe we finished by yesterday. And FYI, let's not tell headquarters about, well, all of them. I think we can actually be court marshalled for two.” Bones shook his head and said, “With the way you are with AJ, I'd hate to see you with your own children.” He glanced at Spock and winced, continuing, “Either of you.”

Jim faked a huge shudder. “Nope. No, kids. Not until I'm starting to go grey and guys, it's a long day away from that.” Everyone chuckled except for Jenna. She instead rolled her eyes, “Can you please don't joke about that? It's taken a long time to come to terms with.”

Jim frowned at her and said, “Huh?”

Jenna now frowned and then glanced at Bones. “You didn't tell him?” Bones opened his mouth and then shut it. He glanced at Jim and then gave an apologetic look. “A lot things happened since I did that test and let's face it, he doesn't need to have that kind of stress.” Now Jim was nervous, they were just heading out into the unknown and something more weird was up with him?

“What are you keeping from me?”

Bones finally leaned back and coughed, clearing his voice he said slowly, “Well, you know how I told you, you heal faster?” Jim looked at Spock and then nodded. Spock was tense beside him but remained silent. Jim could feel his worry and support. “Well, the thing is, well non-medical terms here,” Bones said quickly seeing Jim get angrier, “Your cells aren't dying the way they should be. Khans blood not only affected your DNA structures by mutating them, it is also preserving a lot of the structures that tend to dye in a certain cycle. Short version, you lucked into the fountain of youth.”

Jim swallowed and tried to process that. “Do you have details, Doctor?” Spock asked for Jim, leaning forward. Bones gratefully turned to him, becoming more clinical. “Well, I don't have that much information in the past two years. But I'm thinking right now you'll have at least fifty years or more than average. I'll have to do some testing each year,” Bones glanced at him, slowly he nodded.

And then it hit him. He wasn't going to age normally.

Jim turned to Spock whom Jim could feel was relieved and frightened. Spock glanced at him worryingly. “So, _wow_.” Jim was speechless. Bones nodded and then smiled. Jim couldn't help but smiling back.

Spock's relief became more apparent now that Jim wasn't freaking out. Under the table, he reached over and took Jim's hand, like always Spock ran his finger down Jim's matching wedding band.

* * *

 

They were taking off soon. Jim stood alone for the moment in the Fleet's shuttle station. People were walking everywhere and cadets were getting assigned to ships just he did all those years ago, though in less of a crisis situation.

Sarek approached him, ready to be headed back to New Vulcan. “You look much better since the last time I saw you.” Jim nodded and said, “I take it day by day.” Sarek leaned against the railing as well, though much more proper than Jim, who straightened slightly.

“I wanted to wish you well on your five year mission, I know you've been wanting to go for some time. I also wanted to speak to you about your recent discovery.” Jim tensed and still felt shocked about it. He also knew it'd be years more of blood tests to see exactly how slow his ageing would be. For all he knew, he could age as slow as Spock.

Sarek continued quietly, “I never wanted my son to lose his mate as I did, it is much too soon, even if Amanda did age as old as your elderly, it is still very young. It was one reason why I did not support your close relationship becoming intimate. You two are extremely rare in this galaxy. You make him...happy and most importantly you have given him what I and his mother could not, though we tried. You have given him a true home, and acceptance without any doubt or hesitance within himself. For this, I will always be proud to call you family, know that you have my utmost respect, James.”

Jim stood there completely in shock and watched as Sarek nodded at him, looking much better himself as he walked away.

Spock and Bones joined him a second later. “Alright kid, Let's get going. You know, by the time we come back here, I don't think we'll ever fit in with everything that we're about to discover.” Jim grinned and for the very first time in the past six and a half months, his pain and bond went to the back of his mind. Now he was looking into the future and it was scary, unknown and frankly, damned exciting.

Spock brushed against him and Jim let himself have a few moments to bask in Spock's intense excitement and curiosity. Spock nodded to one of his old students handling the controls, he spoke casually, “Five years does and will go by incredibly quickly. We'll be back and planet-side before you could imagine.” Jim turned to Spock and grinned, giddy with both of their happiness.

Stepping onto the platform he said, “Hey Bones, if I remain young for a long time, I could actually be the longest field captain of Star Fleet in history.” Bones shook his head and said happily, “That'll mess with the Admiralty.” Jim laughed and replied excitedly “I'll make sure when your daughter is enlisted, she becomes the next captain. Or doctor, or you know take Sulu's position and blow things up for me.”

Bones went pale and Jim nodded, “Oh yeah, that's gonna happen.”

They were all smiling as they were beamed out. Jim and Spock entered the bridge together. Half the ship was the old crew and the other half were new recruits, children were laughing down the halls before being rushed into designated places, seeing their officer's narrowed eyes. Jim nerves frayed for a second before he heard Bones start yelling. It actually settled him down just as much as Spock mentally soothing him.

It was a whole new start, a new adventure. Jim was ready for it, his mind and heart were claimed, he was happy. Complete and finally in the place he was always meant to be. Truly happy. He had no idea what the future would bring. He had no idea what Spock and him would do after these five years. He had no clue as to what Bones and Carol would do, or if they would choose to leave halfway through. He only knew that whatever happened, he was no longer alone. And it didn't mean just Spock, even if Bones did leave him, he knew that these people he had met, they weren't just friends. His crew, even when apart were always going to be apart of him.

Letting go sometimes wasn't goodbye. Jim wasn't ever going to say it to these people. He'd make sure they still knew each other when Jim could tell them stories about their children on the ship and the suffering he was looking forward to. Maybe if he aged slower then he could put a hold on having kids himself. He really could break the record and retire at a hundred years old. He needed to thank Jenna again for giving them her eggs, just in case Spock changed his mind in another fifty years.

For now, this is what he needed and for right just then it was absolutely perfect. He looked back at Spock from his Captain's chair, who looked just as happy and Jim grinned. “Alright guys, everyone ready for something new and awesome?”

Jim felt all of his emotions rise as everyone grinned at him, as happy and content, truly excited, he nodded and said, “Okay, deep space here we go."

"Punch it, Sulu.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this took longer than I thought it would. The first part of this story just flowed so nicely it really made writing it very easy. This is a little harder but I do plan on finshing to full story by the end of July (I'm not sure how many chapters there will be). Anyway for all of you who stuck with this -Thank you! And for everyone joining I really hope you like it! Please review!


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